On the anxiety rollercoaster

[GonksHaveNoEyes]

I’m up and down with my anxiety. I feel like I need to live in a bubble where nothing out of the ordinary happens and I can just drift along happily. But life is not like that is it?
I tend to catastrophise and get things out of proportion and I don’t know how to not be like this.
I can’t afford therapy and don’t want meds but maybe I should. I think it might be time to try them again but then when my latest dilemma is over, I will be fine again.
I’ll give you a little example of how ridiculous I am. Was whinging on for months about going on holiday abroad. Finally booked it then started stressing. Then dd found out she couldn’t fly out with us and has to come the next day.Package holiday so basically just a no show and the travel company are fine with this. So what you might say? It’s not a big deal is it? Yes to me it’s a catastrophe and here lies my problem. My perspective is all wrong. When I look back at all the things I have stressed about, which then turned out to be ok, it’s crazy.
I know there are far far worse things going on in the world and I apologise to those of you who have genuine problems but can anyone give any advice? And I apologise for rambling and thank you for reading this far.

Read feel the fear and do it anyway. It really helped me.

It feels like you might need to prioritise therapy OP. Saying you can’t afford therapy but in the next sentence say you’ve whinged about not having a holiday and then booked one makes it seem like your priorities are a bit out of whack?

Nothing will really help until you break the cycle and understand the reason for the anxiety in the first place, the way it’s manifesting through the small little things is just that, manifestation but it’s not the root cause.

The best thing to do when your back from holiday is to make therapy a priority.

I think you are right. We’d put the money away for the past 3 years over covid so had the holiday covered.
I just don’t know where to start with therapy but I need to do something. It’s taking the first step and it’s scary. I don’t want to start and have to pull out coz money is tight. But I’m making excuses.
I shall look for that book Ilovegoats

Well I can sympathise with you OP. I am a major worrier and it comes and goes with me also. And don’t think you have to explain your finances and justify having a holiday. Nobody knows your situation.

Don’tLikeMenthols that’s interesting about manifestations. You seem to have a good insight into the problem. Do you think the only way forward is therapy? What can we do to help ourselves in the meantime?

Well I just can’t go on living like this. I may be fine in a week or so but then the next thing will come along.

I think it’s time to put away any stigma or shame you might have related to taking medication. I suffered stupid anxiety for years.. and wish to God I’d taken the meds sooner.. it works really well for me, I take Lexapro, and I feel normal and I can work, fly drive… all stuff that gave me anxiety before…

Thank you. I have nothing against taking meds. I have done in the past but they didn’t stop me worrying.

This video might help you put your anxiety into perspective;

Thank you. Interesting video but I cannot fully relate to it.
My anxiety does not tie in with any of the descriptions of the main anxiety disorders. I’m not anxious every day and do not worry about everything for no reason so l don’t know where I fit in.
If I was just generally anxious all the time for no specific reason then I would go for meds no problem. But I’m not. Something specific will set me off, usually something involving my loved ones and the subsequent “perceived” threat to their safety/health/happiness. I will worry excessively then it will usually resolve and pass. Where does that leave me?

What's the specific? Maybe that's the key to solving the problem.

I don’t know how to explain it. Quite often things that affect my kids, who are grown up now but it’s not all the time. Can’t stand them being hurt or upset. Eg the travel example in my first post. Why on earth should that make me sick with worry? It’s not really a big deal is it?
Then there was dd’s toxic relationship a few years ago. Again I worried disproportionately at the time and ds struggling to pass his driving tests. Why on earth?
I think I must have underlying anxiety all the time and it comes out and I latch onto something?
Sorry I just don’t know where to turn and I’m aware of how ridiculous I sound.

There's always a reason, sometimes it can be obvious, sometimes it can be obscure, but it's there. Please have a look at my AMA on remedial hypnosis - if it makes sense to you then perhaps we could chat.

I think you need to think really hard about what kinds of situations cause you anxiety.
Identify the situation: I am anxious when..
Then identify the trigger: I get anxious because.
Then identify the script you use: I think that x will happen..
You will find a common thread through most of your experiences.
Try one on now, write it down and tell us what you discover.

Thank you Eyesopenwideawake I shall find your thread on this. I read something you posted elsewhere about cbt etc not being effective if your subconscious mind rejects it? I am interested.

Gardendad I know exactly the type of situations that cause my anxiety or ramp it up and for about the past 10 years I would say, it’s always involving my dc and their safety/happiness/distress. I just can’t handle it. Also sometimes, but not often, things that potentially can take away the frankly quite good life I have. Strangely enough I don’t worry about my Dh or mum or other family/friends anywhere near as much if at all.
BUT I am not like this all the time. Dd went off travelling and I was fine, they drive, go out clubbing etc and I’m ok with it but sometimes I just go off track.
Fear of the unknown and not being in control maybe? And what do I think will happen? The worst case scenario mostly.

Feel your pain OP. Went to London yesterday to the O2 and Stressed all day about going and being ridiculous. I managed just fine and had a great time. I need to get a grip but the anxiety takes over every time.

Thats useful.
So most of your fears are around what 'could' happen in 'specific' circumstances. But not all circumstances that are potentially dangerous are a cause for concern for you. Why is that do you think -its critical to know this? Why is driving not a problem and something else a big problem?

Could you grade fears? Dangerous to not dangerous?
You are not triggered by everything and I think thats really important to ponder.

One of the big things with anxiety is that we use sloppy langugage which in itself creates more fear as its ambigious.

For example:

'I Just can't handle it' - what does this mean? You will go mad? Be hospitalised? Be distressed? Be upset? ( You have a 100% successful track record in handling things BTW! otherwise you would not be here)

Thank you Gardendad. It helps to get this out and discuss. Maybe therapy is for me?
I do not know why I latch onto certain things and won’t let them go and yet others things I have fleeting moments of worry then move on. What makes one scenario a potential disaster above others?

The “I can’t handle it” means that I can’t deal with it in a rational manner or put it into perspective which leads to me being distressed and upset. I can’t control my feelings.
Btw I do like talking about my worries a lot with friends but I gloss over things as if they are not such a big deal. Embarrassed to admit how ridiculous I am.

@Eyesopenwideawake thanking you, Tim Box sounds interesting, will watch later

You are welcome.
Essentially all anxiety and phobias are about a percieved experience.
An event happened and you attached a 'fear' to it. Similar to a dog wagging his tail and siting for a treat and a dag pullimng on a lead to bark at other dogs. Both a re different scenarios which 'mean' different things to te dog. Its t he same for humans. Along the way you learned (maybe be experience, accident or otherwise) to attach a feeling (fear) to an event. There is no logical basis for the fear because you are not afraid of ALL the things that COULd happen. Only some. Its like people who dont like to fly - ask them what they are afraid of and some will say 'I cant escape' others will say 'It might crash' and others will say ' i dont like my space invaded' etc. So all the same experience that means different thinkgs to each person.
So what is each fear that you have and WHY is it that you are afraid of that scenario. You can do a lot of this yourself but therapy will be a very structured framework to explore.

You are right that you cant control myour feelings - but you dont have to. They are there to be felt. You can watch your feelings and say ' this is making me really uncomfortable and I'm feeling X, Y, Z etc' then you can name them.

Not discussing it really makes it harder. All of us have different fears, unique to ourselves.

@GonksHaveNoEyes I can’t control my feelings. That's where remedial hypnosis comes in. It's not about control the feeling, it's about finding the part of the subconscious that's triggering that feeling and asking it to stop doing it.

OP I am the same talking with friends. I’m all “ha ha ds is stressing me out” Then I talk about the issue in a lighthearted way as if it’s just an annoyance. When I’m churning up inside. But it definitely helps to talk. Is your DH open to discussions?

Eyesopenwideawake I will have a look at that. Sounds good.

Apologies for typos.My phone jumbled all typing on the app.

Are there any recommended self help books?

Is there such a thing as reactive anxiety? I have read about reactive depression but maybe they are the same thing?

Anticipatory anxiety maybe? When you get anxious/catastrophise about a future event or scenario?