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Original poster

In despair daughters graduation

103 replies

RedLister · 29/05/2023 10:30

I recently posted about my controlling husband and how I keep letting my daughter down because of him.
She is 23 and about to graduate from university. She wants all our family there, me, my parents and my sister plus my nephew
my husband has no family and he can’t go due to health issues. The problem is he won’t like everyone else going when he can’t
He says it looks bad on him if everyone else is there and that everyone is enjoying themselves and he is stuck at home.
He will not want this to happen but how can I tell her or them and I am scared to tell him as scared of his reaction
I don’t want S to think badly of her dad but this seems like an impossible situation for me
I feel like I can’t please everyone and don’t know what to do anymore

OP posts:
leopard22 · 29/05/2023 11:19

Heath conditions DO NOT excuse his behaviour, feeling guilty for leaving him with said conditions is also not your fault- he is choosing to behave that way and it's frankly disgusting.

Life is going to get harder as your daughter grows up, what about when she gets married? That's going to be a long run up of you wanting to be involved but your bellend of a husband causing misery! What about if your daughter has children? Are you not allowed to see them when your family have seen them?

Take control back, you can 100% do it! What could be more important than you getting your life back on track.

It's so clear he gives 0 fucks about you, trying to force you in to sex work? Ffs that's not a husband who loves you, normal people wouldn't do that to their worst enemy! His behaviour is completely on him - so fucking what if he's got health conditions, get yourself out of that unhealthy happy life and start living! You're missing out on so much

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 29/05/2023 11:21

You go to your daughters graduation, I can't believe you are even questioning this.

He could go as well, if he really wanted to.

You go to the graduation and you make plans to leave this abusive husband.

Come on, you know this is the right thing to do.

pollpp · 29/05/2023 11:21

FictionalCharacter · 29/05/2023 11:16

This lunatic (from your other thread)? :
He moans if my skirt is not short enough and pulls it up, he wants me to wear see thru tops when my parents visit and once when i covered it cos i was embarrassed he went crazy at me after they left. He went to bed said we were finished and was just generally angry.

You're seriously considering telling your daughter to keep her relatives away from her graduation, to appease this monster?

Why on earth are you still with him? If he really is so disabled he can't leave the house, it should be relatively easy to leave the bastard, because he can't do a thing about it.

This.

flutterby1 · 29/05/2023 11:23

I couldn't be still married to a selfish man like that

CiaoBellisima · 29/05/2023 11:24

Put on your big girl pants and put your childs needs first. It doesn’t matter that she is now an adult. You must go to her graduation ceremony.

You can decide what to do about your relationship with your husband at a later date.

MrsOvertonsWindow · 29/05/2023 11:26

You're getting a lot of feedback OP as people are shocked at what you're having to put up with from him. None of it is OK - he's an abuser.

Have a look at the relationships board here where you can read how other women manage to leave abusive relationships - there are some very wise posters on there who can help:

https://www.mumsnet.com/i/relationships-webguide

Relationships Webguide | Mumsnet

A guide to information and services related to relationships. Find reliable organisations and support services here.

https://www.mumsnet.com/i/relationships-webguide

Niceseasidetown · 29/05/2023 11:29

The graduation isn't the issue.

Even if you find a solution for that you're just buying time until the next thing...Christmas, her engagement, his parents next visit.

With respect stop worrying about the graduation which is just a day and doesn't matter.

Start thinking about the rest of your life so that you aren't in this situation again.

HairyKitty · 29/05/2023 11:33

If it’s really that bad and you’re not in a position to leave him then don’t bring the subject up at home and on the day tell him and (all) go. He’s only going to know the others are going if you tell him. I think if you talk about it beforehand your daughters day is going to end up being spoiled

Missingmyusername · 29/05/2023 11:34

What will he do?

denimdonut · 29/05/2023 11:37

A word I don’t use loosely comes to mind but I don’t want to offend anyone.

Can you leave him op? You deserve so much better than this, as does your daughter.

kingtamponthefurred · 29/05/2023 11:45

Just go and celebrate your daughter's achievement. And maybe don't go back home, ever.

MumblesParty · 29/05/2023 11:53

Jesus Christ are you seriously thinking of letting your daughter down??! That’s truly awful.

PurpleReindeer2 · 29/05/2023 12:08

OP tell him you are going with or without him. Then start the freedom programme and leave this abusive man. Do not let you daughter down just to please your abuser. You will never forgive yourself. You deserve so much better than to spend even one more day with him. You would advise your daughter never to put up with shit like this from a pathetic, controlling, arsehole husband. Take your own advice and build a new life for yourself without him.

Toddlerteaplease · 29/05/2023 12:11

Your daughter has probably had to put up with his awful behaviour, her whole life. Don't let her down on one of the biggest events in her life.

Toddlerteaplease · 29/05/2023 12:12

And you need a divorce!

Luckydip1 · 29/05/2023 12:14

Why are you scared of his reaction? No one should be scared of their partners. This is a big red flag.

2bazookas · 29/05/2023 12:20

I'd be amazed your DDs university hosts any number of graduation guests,most limit the number. She chooses who.

Her father's wishes/demands are irrelevent as he can't attend.

captivate · 29/05/2023 12:26

In the future, when you have found the strength to leave him - because it will happen, as much as you think you can't, you are stronger than you think - the thing you will regret most is letting your daughter down. Choosing his feelings over hers repeatedly. Allowing him to tarnish your relationship with her.

You won't regret him feeling left out over this graduation, because that is a perception and manipulation of the situation that he has actively chosen for himself as a way of controlling you. You won't think twice about his feelings. But you will regret your daughter graduating alone.

You don't have to make all the big scary choices right now. You don't have to leave him today, or even next week. But you can make one choice, for your daughter and for yourself, and prioritise her graduation.

Get that over, and then make the next choice, and the next one, one small step at a time, until you are free.

Bbqshowdownusa · 29/05/2023 12:27

He can’t control everyone else… your parents, sister etc.

He sounds an asshole.

ProfessorXtra · 29/05/2023 12:32

Your husband is an abuser and you need to leave. Obviously leaving itself isn’t simple. But that is the answer. You shouldn’t be with him.

You are considering trying to allow your husband to also abuse your adult daughter and being complicit in that abuse of her.

This is what inevitably happens in abusive relationships if you stay. The abuser extends it to the children and the parent (who is also a victim of abuse) be aimed complicit in the abuse of their children.

I am not saying this to shame you. But to wake you up to what the actual situation is and how you are playing a part in it.

It’s not his business who goes to her graduation. He doesn’t get to control her and don’t you try and persuade her to fit his demands.

PennyWeisse · 29/05/2023 12:52

Jesus Christ, I just read your other thread.

Divorce this abusive pervert.

Tell your family the truth about him.

Get him out of your life. Being unwell doesn't excuse this behaviour.

Olios · 29/05/2023 13:11

I can't write my initial reaction to reading your other pos but just wow. The last bit about your parents visiting made my skin crawl. You need to leave him he is vile. He is utterly useless honestly i wish I could give him a mouthful for you put him right in his nasty little place. What a horrible gremlin of a man. Life is took short please leave him.

Peridot1 · 29/05/2023 13:25

Do you have other children @RedLister? If you have younger children too I get it might be hard but you seem to have family support from your parents and sister. Your DD is 23 and has a boyfriend. Starting her own life. What is stopping you from leaving?

Olios · 29/05/2023 13:28

Just thinking if he can't leave the house, just go and leave as he can't follow you.

Original poster
RedLister · 29/05/2023 13:28

Peridot1 · 29/05/2023 13:25

Do you have other children @RedLister? If you have younger children too I get it might be hard but you seem to have family support from your parents and sister. Your DD is 23 and has a boyfriend. Starting her own life. What is stopping you from leaving?

No there is only her so I don’t really know other than the fact that he wouldn’t cope alone and he thinks nothing is wrong

OP posts: