In despair daughters graduation

[RedLister]

I recently posted about my controlling husband and how I keep letting my daughter down because of him.
She is 23 and about to graduate from university. She wants all our family there, me, my parents and my sister plus my nephew
my husband has no family and he can’t go due to health issues. The problem is he won’t like everyone else going when he can’t
He says it looks bad on him if everyone else is there and that everyone is enjoying themselves and he is stuck at home.
He will not want this to happen but how can I tell her or them and I am scared to tell him as scared of his reaction
I don’t want S to think badly of her dad but this seems like an impossible situation for me
I feel like I can’t please everyone and don’t know what to do anymore

And to add, he knows you could easily leave and improve your life. That's why he controls and degrades you to make you feel worthless just like him. He knows you are better than that. You just need to realise that too and leave. Be free from him.

No there is only her so I don’t really know other than the fact that he wouldn’t cope alone and he thinks nothing is wrong

Oh he could. But it suits him to have you think that he can't so you stay and he can continue abusing you.

Why do you care that ‘he wouldn’t cope’? You should care about your dd and yourself more.

We could only have 2 tickets to my DDs graduation, she invited myself and her sister since her dad has no interest in her life.

She was only allowed 3 originally but could then buy more
so it was gonna be me my mom and daughters boyfriend
now she can have more she wants my dad and her cousin too

I posted on your other thread. Your DH is a controlling arse. You need to prioritise your DS and your family and ditch him.

There is no dilemma here. She should be surrounded by celebrating family on her big day.

if your husband gets upset, you can either leave the space and leave him to deal with his emotions on his own or contact medical care if you believe that is appropriate. You do not let him take it out on you by remaining there to be his emotional punching bag.

Why can't he cope alone? Is he severely disabled? How long would you be away for? I presume his behaviour means no one really wants to pop in.

Just go. At least your daughter will have her ma there at a significant stage in her life and appreciate that for once you've put her first.

Please put your daughter first. Just imagine how she'll feel if you choose to please him instead of her. She'll remember it for the rest of her life. Let him rant and rage. Stand up to him. Show him he can't always have the power.

All your posts are about him and what he wants. You do not need to consider the needs of your abuser. How he feels, how he will react, if he will cope without you, are totally irrelevant. Not your problem.

Go to the graduation, but far more importantly, get a divorce.

I have no idea what you are doing with this man, or why you are too scared to leave. But honestly you go to your daughters graduation and she has whoever she likes there. It's her decision. He's selfish and horrible and has no right whatsoever to control anyone. None. He gets no say in this. You go even though he's going to be awful to you, but ideally you leave and don't put up with his abuse. You don't have to live like this. If you aren't going to listen why are you posting? Do you expect anyone to say "no don't go, don't let your daughter have wider family there, bow to the will of your nasty selfish abusive husband"??

Yes I am going to go and I am listening to everyone
you are all just confirming what I thought but didn’t want to admit
I know I need to put her first and I would not ever forgive myself if I gave in to him
I need to be strong now and get through this

You’ve put that evil monster first for far too long. I’m glad to see you’re finally putting your daughter in front.

Would be a no brainer for me…I’d be going whether my husband was there or not. It’s not about him.

People like your husband rely on the fact that the person they are abusing (ie you in this case) somehow manages to intepret the abuse as a fault in them and not the abuser and so they keep it quiet and it gets worse & they suffer.

Go to your daughters graduation.
After the event get your family together & factually & unemotional tell them about the abuse. This may or may not include your daughter.

Then leave your husband, because it will never, ever get better.

Can she even get tickets, dd could only extra (she got 2 as standard) for sibling's, children or partners, 4 max

Yes she says she managed to get 2 more as well as the original 3
i know it seems a lot

OK that’s good. The next step is to make plans to end this terrible marriage. You can get professional advice, you have parents (surely they must at least suspect what he’s like?) and there are a lot of people here on MN who have been through ending an abusive marriage and can advise.

Go and live your life op. If your dh can’t look after himself he can go and live in a care home. You shouldn’t feel a shred of guilt or obligation, he’s horrible.

What are these health conditions?

I didn't mean to be harsh & clearly it's very hard for you. I just don't want this horrible abusive person to spoil your daughter's graduation & you to understand that you do have a choice. Don't feel sorry for him. I don't care what problems he has, his behaviour is definitely not OK. He's completely in the wrong. You are allowed to put yourself and your daughter first and what is more, you should. I hope you go, and that it's a lovely celebration - a really special day.

OP's other thread is deeply disturbing. I can't stop thinking about it.

Why is this even an issue? Why isn’t he happy that your DD has family to support her on this special day?

She may not get that many tickets anyway, but if she does you have two options:
A. You tell him you're all going, and if he doesn't like it he can shove it where the sun doesn't shine.
B. You give your sister/parents their tickets and don't tell him they're going.

Either way, don't cave in to the pressure from this pathetic excuse for a man.

I think you should go with your family - pack a bag with everything you need and then not go back after.
tell him after the relationship is finished and start proceedings for divorce.
can you stay with your sister for a short time to enable this?
I think you need to stop assuming he won’t cope and put yourself and your daughter first