is there something i can take to make me stop thinking of the past?

[anonymous22mner]

it consisted of sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse and rape, self harm. i magaged to push it all to the back of my mind and get on with my life but somehow its cropped back to the front and i havent been able to stop thinking about everything. i feel its all been effecting my relationship with dp without me being aware ive been pushing him to be violent towards me as i cant trust any man and i want him to prove me right...does this make sense? i feel yuk. i hate myself for it all and think there musta been something i done. i cant talk to anybody about it as it makes it more real as it is doing now. im scared to go to a councilor.

that should be sweetheart now sweatheart (not at all suggesting you are sweaty )

thanks my2weegirls, sorry for making you cry hun. it was about 4 years ago. no i wasnt offered any support. i might have been given leaflets. i just kinda when into a daze for a few days after that. the case isnt ongoing, i dropped all charges, yep i know but i just wanted to get back to normal and the investigation man made it sound so difficult standing up infront of a lot of people going into great detail about that night. also he said there would be people trying to turn it around and make it out to be my fault. although i know i was drunk and shouldnt have went outside on my own....
yesterday i remembered something else, doesnt sound too bad considering other things but it has torn another little part of me. it was only 3 years ago. ds1 still a wee baby. me and my ex went to his bosses house for a few drinks. ds1 was unsettled so as we had already planned to stay i went and brought ds1 into bed beside me. we fell asleep.his boss got into bed beside me and i had my back to him, facing my son. he started feeling me in inapropriate places so i kept pushing him off. he managed to get his hand into my knickers and i could feel his hand agianst me. i kept pushing him away didnt want to make too much movement or noise as i didnt want to wake my son. then my ex came in and i told him i wanted to go home now. we did. his boss pretended he was asleep. i know now that i shouldnt have cared if i woke my son when something like that was happening. i was also afraid he would no what was happening. i know its not the worse situation but things like that seem to keep happening so i must be doing something to make them happen.

don't be silly about making me cry! it sounds to me like you have blanked a lot of stuff out. putting bad things into rooms in your brain and shutting and locking the door. but for whatever reason the doors are starting to unlock - and providing you get the support you need that can't be a bad thing.

being drunk and on your own is not an invitation for someone to rape you or start touching you. it's not your fault.

i think the counselling would be good and for you to realise that you are an empowered young woman.

the trial of rape cases really does need to be changed - i think some of the men realise that the power they have over women extends to the 'court room' and many do not go further that the reporting to police stage.

keep emailing the samaritans and we're all here if you need us.

you so right.
these things happened that much to not be my fault iykwim.

i have so much guilt to my mum for being such a horrible teenager. when i was living in the hostel, 2 friends picked me up to go for a drive and i was siting in the back over and over and over again i said pls crash. we were on a country road and the friend that was driving looked back and told me to put my seatbelt you never know whats round the corner. we went into a wired fence which flipped the car over a ditch and must have rolled about 7 times. thats how much i didnt care. i know its pure coincidence but how selfish was i. we went to hospital and my family came in i was so horrible to all of them i dont know how they ever forgave me.

i know that i have got a lot of things still locked up and i hope i have thrown away the key. i think something happened between the ages of 4 and 6. i keep getting slight we flashes nothing much but these very sick horrible feelings. im not sure who it involved but i dont think i want to know.

just wanted to add i wasn't saying it out loud.

Teenagers do stupid things, you need to forgive yourself! God, I remember going walking at night by myself in the dark, almost willing something to happen because it gave me a thrill. How stupid is that?

EVERYONE has done silly irresponsible things which make no sense or are downright dangerous in their teens, it's a strange time, you're full of hormones, you think you're immortal and god forbid you've had any trauma happen to you ever because it can make you flip out as a teen, and you were going through loads.

You aren't to blame for the abusive men who appear to be drawn to you. They can probably sense you're the kind of gentle person who wouldn't fight because you're too scared to move. This is because of things that happened to you early on, it is NOT your fault, you didn't invite or instigate the assaults just because you were alone!

I'm so, so glad you're gaining strength by talking all this through. This will have a two-fold effect on your life. You will start to heal and feel better, you'll be more positive and more whole. But also, you will start to get angry, and you won't ever let some bastard do this to you again!

You know what would be a really great idea? Take some self defense classes. More than just arming you should anything happen, they will also make you more assertive, and then those men won't see you as a target any more. x

thanks you are all really great support and helping me feel a bit better everyday. im so scared of whats going to come up next but i know ill get through it. the more i open up on here the more im able to talk to dp and hes been really great. i know this is going to help me be able to make the most out of councelling. ill find out about self deffence classes, it sounds like a very good idea. although i might just start going nuts at any man that approaches me

"i might just start going nuts at any man that approaches me"

I'm having visions of men stopping to ask you the time in tesco and you going "BACKTHEFUCKOFFFFFFF! HiiiYAAH!"

Hehe, seriously though, do it, you'll feel SO empowered!

er....do the self defense classes that is. Don't kick random men in tescos.

hope it goes well at the gp's

lol james.
thanks my2wee girls its not until 4 and dp is gonna try and get out of work for an hour.
dp was really nasty this morning called me a useless crap mum and what do i know see ds1 went down stairs when we were asleep and ate loads of buiscuts and when we got up ds1 told dp what he done and dp shouted at him and sent him to bed. i said to dp that he shouldnt be so hard on him when he was honest about it and its only a couple of buiscuts and hes a child. but in my mind if hes honest about it and dp treats him no different than if he wasnt honest then whats that teaching him? but what do i knnow.

at your dp. you are not a crap mum. just a flying post but hope it goes well for you later. big hugs xxx

thanks leifmum. why do i have to be so bloody insecure. i know im not a bad mum, but him saying that makes me think why would you say that. atm the kids are sitting watching spongebob eating popcorn and lo is kicking about on the bed. house in half decent shape. ook the kids are stuck in here most of the time..... its dp thinks that the kids have to be affraid of him to behave but i would rather them not be afraid of me and walk all over me. this prob sounds strange i know but i want them to be able to come to me for help no matter what. would they do that if i brought them up to be afraid of me? ok im just rambling now

just finished writing letter to the doctor i just hope i can give it to him/her now. im really really nervous!

don't be nervous. GP's get letters all the time so they are used to it. just go in and say - i've written it all down as i'm nervous and hand it to him/her. they'll be glad that you've come straight to the point. many people who have a difficult or (what they think is) embarassing condition waffle for 80% of the consultation then when they are about to leave they pluck up the courage and say what it is that is really wrong. that's partly the reason for GPs running late.

you'll be fine - you are a strong woman who can do this next step to getting help.

have you looked for self defence classes yet?

and have a fag before you go in

ive emailed a place and im just waiting to hear back from them. theres a place in my area which is good.

flying visit. went to doc, was all video recorded! im too bloody soft couldnt say no. given ads and a specialist councellors number and erfered to mental health place.

hope you feel ok. Have a similar history to yours. Just started on ADs yesterday - the day the papers say they don't work! Found it really hard talking to DH - had told him originally, when we got together, but then after a while couldn't cope with talking about it all the time, so hadn't done it since. Threw a postnatal wobble, denied it for two years (it was the fact ds wasn't sleeping, my asthma, etc), found my notes said that I was psychotic (got them changed) but that just threw me right back there. I am having my biggest wobble in about 10 years, since I was dateraped. Brought back the childhood stuff, etc etc. Think it was insensitive of your doctor to want to record it - I'm seeing mine in a couple of weeks and they told me there were students, but I said no way - I can just about cope with my crap being on my file, but not with trying to talk about ADs in front of some students, nice as I am sure they would be. Far as I'm concerned, I don't normally talk about it - have only started venting on here since it all came up again, cos I feel I've got to vent somewhere (sorry everyone!) - I guess I just want to keep it out of my real life.

Anonymous- Brilliant! WELL DONE for going and talking about it, I'm so glad they've taken you seriously and got you a referral to someone who can help you properly. You've made a really important step. Read from the bottom of this thread and see how far you've come in an amazingly short time! You even managed to do it while being filmed, that's really impressive. You should be so proud of yourself.

Whateverhappened, sorry to hear you've had a bad time too. I hope the AD's help and you get the support you need on MN.

hi, just been catching up oneverything.
anonymous-i'm so sorry for everything you've been through, my heart just breaks for you. I had a minor sexual abuse by a friend when i was 13 and then again at by another friend. It is nothing to what you've been through so i won't try and say that i understand. Anyway you are a fab mum and i find writing stuff down in a journal can help, maybe that will help you with talking to a counseller.

Big hugs to all x x x

Quickly to helibee first - I used to say the abuse I had experienced was minor and true there is a relative scale on what physical things people go through but above that & more importantly there is no hierarchy on the pain an individual feels in response to certain events. I think being able to say it was minor is either a sign your feelings haven't been processed enough or they're at a managable point. Hope it's the latter for you & you shouldn't feel you have to qualify what happened to you by "rating it".
To OP, great progress on making the first steps to trying to manage your feelings better. I have to be honest & say it gets worse before it gets better in a way, but somehow the fact you are doing something helps to carry you through. The remembering or half-remembering of new things is really hard. Just try to deal with one thing at a time and also try not to have expectations of any professional help. Sometimes it may feel as if you aren't doing anything useful or making progress, but to use a well-known phrase "every little helps". Also there is no magic cure, it's not like one day you will feel totally better and that's it. You should be able to get to a point where you can deal with everyday stuff okay and eventually there are long periods of time when you don't even think about it.

well done anon .

sorry only getting on now took one of the meds yesterday, completely knocked me for six! so tierd but didnt get to sleep till 3am.

whatever happened, im so soory you have had to go through all that but talking about it does help and you will also be surprised the amount of people that will come along that have been through the same thing and make all the feelings you have seem 'normal' all the best to you hun.

james, thank you so much for that boost. your right though they will be filming smears next!

hilibee, elvisgirl is right there is no minor when it comes to this. hope your keeping well hun. ill start to keep a journal sounds like a good idea.

elvisgirl, i know its not going to happen over night. everything youve said makes so much sense lo crying better go.

thanks all - still feeling like poo. back to hitting myself as well - had stopped years ago, but it's all back. ho hum. stomach has given up working again - been flaring for weeks - but it's not all bad, never thought I'd be a size 8 again. off to the charity shop tomorrow for some more work clothes. Hope someone very fashionable has outgrown some...