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Mental health

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Original poster

is there something i can take to make me stop thinking of the past?

99 replies

anonymous22mner · 19/02/2008 17:18

it consisted of sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse and rape, self harm. i magaged to push it all to the back of my mind and get on with my life but somehow its cropped back to the front and i havent been able to stop thinking about everything. i feel its all been effecting my relationship with dp without me being aware ive been pushing him to be violent towards me as i cant trust any man and i want him to prove me right...does this make sense? i feel yuk. i hate myself for it all and think there musta been something i done. i cant talk to anybody about it as it makes it more real as it is doing now. im scared to go to a councilor.

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Original poster

anonymous22mner · 21/02/2008 14:02

im not sure im seeing gp on tuesday how does it work

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JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 21/02/2008 14:17

You know, if you're having troubles you can ask to speak to the GP over the phone to explain the situation. If anyone deserves a bit of help it's a lady with your past and three children to look after! It's not like you're a timewaster.

Tell your gp you're having difficulty getting to the surgery with your three kids in tow, no-one can babysit and you need to discuss some sensitive issues. Tell him you need his help. It'll only take 5 mins of his well paid time. Be pushy love, you deserve all the help there is to be had.

ROSEgarden · 21/02/2008 14:23

ring your gp's surgery ask for name/number of YOUR health visitor, they will work out wich area youre coverd under and let you know, you could then arrange for her/him to come out and speak to you..maybe even a cpn could call, i also had one of these, she was a BIG help..they can then let your gp know what they think will help(counselling/ad's etc) and refer you for treatment.

Original poster

anonymous22mner · 21/02/2008 18:11

rose whats cpn? yeh that sounds a better idea than mine bringing all my babies in! oh can somebody do it for me? ok bla bla bla tell me to shut up. ok it might not be my fault, i personally thnk it is it must be. im so confused. but it is def my fault that im dwelling on it. bla bla bla...

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ROSEgarden · 21/02/2008 20:19

Child Psychiatric nurse, they help you with dc, but it wasblatently obvious mine was there to helpl ME with dd b'cos she knew what had happend in my past

Original poster

anonymous22mner · 23/02/2008 11:23

i need to talk to a professional asap as in today. i cant wait till tuesday. i think im gonna have a break down. i cant cope with this. last night i ran and just kept running anything could have happened to me but i didnt care. pls is there anyone i can talk to now. im scared of myself

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Uki · 23/02/2008 12:14

. hug

Uki · 23/02/2008 12:23

OK i've kinda caught up, I'm sorry to hear of your past, life is cruel sometimes, and pain like this is deep. You know it's weird because this also happened to me.
At 15, then 19, then 25, then in pg I have hit my lowest it is a combination of hormones as well.

Do not feel scared of counceling, it cured 80% of my pain. I have now forgiven my abuser, HUGE step and feel strong and resilient from my experiences.

Uki · 23/02/2008 12:39

I Guess what i'm trying to say is the hurt and pain keep coming back and dragging you down till you can resolve it all. pushing and running away is the worst thing to do as it builds and controls you.

I took control of mine and actually counseled myself, this sounds weird and it was, but it worked because i too was embarrassed and scared to say it all out loud. I basically did my whole school final project 3,ooo words on sexual abuse and poured over- cases, studies, etc. it hurt like hell to read all this about others and myself. But I realized it WASN'T MY FAULT, and it happens A LOT.

Last year one of my oldest and dearest friends could of died as she got in a very abusive relationship. She was hiding the abuse, when i found out and was helping her i realized she too, must have been abused, yep.

You need to get it all out. Do you want to tell us??? please be careful about AD's if you are not going to get the therapy.

Uki · 23/02/2008 12:45

Just wanted to explain a bit more-my friend was sexually abused as a child and then found herself in violent and abusive relationship again.

sadly this is very common. She thought it was her fault, no abuse is ever abused's fault.

tasha22 · 23/02/2008 12:55

uki thanks, is the way im getting on a normal reaction or am i just going insane? im going to phone out of hours doctor. i really apreciate all your help and am really sorry for going on about this i feel shit. ill come back after i phone him........deep breaths

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 23/02/2008 15:01

You aren't going insane, you just have too much to cope with right now, both externally (your kids, the house, money worries etc) and in your mind with everything that has happened to you in your past. Its too much for anyone and you're only 22 to have gone through so much bless you.

You know having kids will put pressure on anyone, you have three 3 and under. I'll say it again: I have NO IDEA how you do it every day. You may think you're going insane, but you have immense strength and coping skills to get through every day and look after your children. You don't get any time to yourself and your dp is telling you to ignore your problems- it's a pressure cooker, and it would make anyone freak out now and then

You do need to talk to someone. I've given some numbers etc on the other thread. Let us know how you got with the out of hours doc. xxx

tasha22 · 23/02/2008 19:49

thanks james. got dp to phone doc as i couldnt talk and he says theres nothing they can do till tuesday. looked at the samaratines website and they have an email service so im off to type up an email think that would be a good place to start. no point in being anon now accidently used my name.xx

Uki · 23/02/2008 22:50

There are phone councellors you can ring 24 hours a day. Just pick up the phone, they are so helpful i used them alot. You are not insane. You just need some help and support right now, and you are doing so well to ask for help.

It is totally normal for you too get overwhelmed by this. Women have a big surge of hormones at 21 so this can make it worse too. I had some councelling in pg two years ago, because i was crying alot and feeling overwhelmed. Which also brought up the past, and when my councellor said that the hormone surge is huge at 15, 21 and for women in pg it made sence to why i felt, yep a bit insane. i don't mean to trivialize your pain, just wanting to say it is so normal.

At 19 I broke down and couldn't stop crying 24 hours a day, couldn't leave the house, no idea what set me off, but probably the intimacy of a new relationship with a really nice guy. It just felt too weird.

I'll say it again, You really need to get it all out. There are also some really good books written by people who have survived abuse. I'll have a look for you, can't remember what they are called.

Can you tell us, who did this? Are they are still in life?

w ri yy

Original poster

anonymous22mner · 23/02/2008 23:23

thanks uki its good to know im not going insane as it certainly feels like it. that email seemed to put things more in perspective for me just typing it all down made it seem not so bad iykwim. havent had a reply yet but dont think it was about that. one of them is still around uki.

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Uki · 23/02/2008 23:50

I'm glad your a little better. Have you told your family, in some ways it's a big bomb to drop, but at least it's all out. now if my mum goes on about me being a rotten teenager i just give her the look, and say 'well you know why'
she still protects my brother but I have forgiven him, and know my parents have to have him in their lives, but he is not in mine, and that is all understood.

you know there are lots of famous people who have survived abuse, oprah for example. Life will get so much better for you too.

If you can try not to take AD's. IMO It is a slightly harder but shorter road without them.

Original poster

anonymous22mner · 24/02/2008 00:01

..........i did, then i ran, then she never believed me. ads were really great before. at your mum protecting him

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Original poster

anonymous22mner · 24/02/2008 11:47

theres a bit more to that though. think she just didnt want to believe me she passed out on the kitchen floor then i took that oportunity and ran, lived in a hostel quite far.
i will talk about the rape when i get 5 min. for some reason it is easier to talk about

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Uki · 24/02/2008 12:17

Sadly it also seems the norm for parents to not believe us, think is one way of passing the blame on.

You sound like there's so much going on between the lines, maybe it is half hidden even from you.
So hard for you, looking after dc's as well too. Unfortunately i'll be offline for a while now, going away. I hope tuesday goes well, just take the dc's if you need too, it'll all be fine. My gp had a mother and 6 young children in the other day, so i'm sure they have seen it all.

Original poster

anonymous22mner · 24/02/2008 12:22

ok think i have 5 min. it was my own stupidity really. i was quite drunk at a night club with my aunt. i lost my aunt and went outside to see if she was there. there was a man down the side of the nightclub and i asked him if he knew where [ants name] was. he said he did and led me away from nightclub. we came to a car and he told me to sit in the back seat while he got her. i did. then next thing i know he was beside me. not sure if he got straight in or went away and came back but he started grabbing at me in different places and i told him to get off. he got more agresive and pinned me down. he atarted pulling my clothes off, i begged him to stop, i lost all strength and gave up he went inside with his fingers first then with his penis next thing i know theres another man opening the door my mind goes blank then next thing im in the nightclub waiting on police. they took me to the police station took a statemant and called in a doctor to take blood tests hair sample, internal examination, took all my clothes and noted down where all bruises were.

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Original poster

anonymous22mner · 24/02/2008 12:23

i feel sick

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peanutbear · 24/02/2008 12:29

Are you ok ?

Original poster

anonymous22mner · 24/02/2008 12:35

i feel so so horrible i just want all these feelings to go away

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peanutbear · 24/02/2008 12:39

I cant offer you any advice I am sorry I just clicked and your last posts sounded so sad

I dont think there's an easy way to make the past go away I think you have to work through it and try to come out of the other side I think that sometimes spurs you on to help others it did with me but in a completely different situation

My2Weegirls · 25/02/2008 09:34

hi sweatheart - great big hugs. i hope i don't say the wrong things here as i've not been through everything you have - so i apologise in advance. i think you are an incredibly strong woman (says me sitting here with tears streaming down my face after reading all this).

you've taken the first step by starting to talk about things. well done.

feel free to ignore the following questions if you don't want to answer them on here.

did the police offer you counselling after the rape?
when was it? is the investigation still going on?

remember none of it is your fault. you are so brave.

i'm not a counsellor but i think as the others have suggested that getting some counselling would help (and it sounds like it has really helped some of the other brave ladies.

big hugs again - need to go just now

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