Talk me down. I want to end things

[Beachbreak2411]

Thins are shit. I’m in massive dept and don’t know how to sort it. I fell asleep today and missed picking my daughter up from a sports class so my parents got her and won’t bring her home. I’m googling easy ways to kill myself and have written my goodbye notes. I don’t want to leave my daughter but I’m not worthy of her and she’s going to be better without me.

OP is just saying in a clumsy way how she cares for her daughter. More close and caring than her own mum it’d seem.

OP, what book are you reading?

I know that sounds silly! It’s always been what she needs when upset / stressed is getting in water (usually sea or a pool) and whe she’s poorly etc she smells different so know when she needs calpol or just bed rest.

And the10 kittens are safe and well with me. They go to their new homes in 3 weeks.

I’m sorry you are feeling like this x

What you’re thinking of doing is a long term solution to a short term problem.

Why not try tackle one thing at a time? What’s the thing that’s bothering you most? Start there.

Why are your parents not bringing your daughter back?

Your daughter will not be better off without you, FAR from it keep talking to us x

Please - Text Shout - number below- or ring Samaritans

Thank you all so so much. You’ve understood me and said lovely things. ThNk you. I’m feeling better and you are right. My daughter needs me and even living in a shitty house with me is better than a posh house without her mum

I've had depression and anxiety for over 10 years. I'm well now but on meds. I think of all the time I felt desperate and couldn't see a future for myself. If I'd done anything to harm myself or even not tried to get better I feel my depression (an illness) would have won.

Things can and will get better. Your daughter absolutely isn't better off without you.

If you feel you can't make the decision to live for good make it for just today or this week. Then hopefully you can keep making it.

Sending love x

I don’t think you need us to tell you how awful your parents sound.

Fuck their posh house, I’d rather live in a council house and rough it than live in a big house and be an arsehole! They sound unsympathetic and probably bringing your mental health down for you. Distance yourself from it if you can, it will be a weight off your shoulders.

Your daughter sounds lovely, so do you.

Please ring your GP in the morning and ask for an emergency appointment, they don’t frown at you, we had to do similar for my dh last year, he’s on medications now and feeling a bit better x

I speak as someone who lost a child to suicide.

Please don't do this to your child. She will be forever tormented by guilt.

Death by suicide is unlike any other sort of grief. My son left us a long note/explanation as to why he was better off not being here.

I still feel immense guilt and so do his younger siblings. Why didn't we see the signs? Why couldn't he let us know he was in trouble? How didn't we notice the pain he was in?

I will never forgive myself. Please, please get help for yourself before inflicting this kind of lifelong torment on your innocent daughter.

Read that first part back.

She's a credit to you for making sure she is all of those things.

I don't want to discuss my situation on here. Let me tell you now though - that girl loves you. She doesn't want to live with her Grandparents. She wants YOU. Regardless of your issues, or faults. She wants YOU.

I can't engage any further because it is too seriously triggering for me.

Look at yourself. I mean it. In the mirror. Look at yourself. You might not like what you see, but a child see's a Mummy that she loves and adores. Her only Mum. She doesn't care that GPs have more money. She doesn't. She just wants her own Mum to pull through.

I know you won't let her down. I know you won't kill yourself. I know you are desperately reaching for help

And we're here.

Please engage with your GP. I say I have the best one, but he's my 4 times best one since moving many times, and surgeries.

You are a good, beautiful Mum.

You wouldn't be posting if you didn't care.

Don't give up.

Don't give up. You still have friends.

Even if you haven't met them yet.

Please take care my darling.

Yes! It is so true.

I hadn't read this post, before I posted.

Sending you a huuuge hug!

You are fabulous.

I have and still occasionally do feel exactly the same way you do. But I'll tell you what stops me.
My son, the thought of someone sitting him down and telling him his mummy has gone, and isn't coming back. That thought alone destroys me. She will not be better off without you. You are her life, her safe space, her world. She will lose all of that if you go. Please talk to a professional ASAP. But also please know that you're not alone. 💐

I hope you are okay Hun

The exact person she needs is YOU. Not someone not like you, not even someone like you, just you.

No one can replace a loving mum. If you love her, and you clearly do, you are enough.

Ask anyone who has a mum who loves them and supports them emotionally - would they swap her for any amount of money in the world. They absolutely wouldn't.

Get help - reach out. Remind yourself every step that you are doing it for your daughter, but you are also doing it for yourself because you deserve it.

I know just what you mean about the smell! My daughter thinks I’m bluffing but she really does smell different when she’s sick- and she also feels less stressed playing in water. But she always runs back to me and I bet yours does too. They really sound like they could be twins, except mine is a bit younger! She’s bright, pretty and funny and oh so popular.

I also marvel at how she could be like this with me as her parent but now I have some friends that really help; they explicitly point out things I’m doing- cuddles and active listening and help- that contribute. I think when you have shitty parents yourself, but you’re determined to raise your child well, it’s easy to dismiss any success as not being down to you. But it is! And your parents are in a position to help but are choosing to blame you. No wonder you feel like you don’t deserve to be here.

I bet they’ve been subtly making you feel like that your whole life.

Stepchange to help debt. Speaking to your boyfriend. Hugging your kitties and your daughter. And importantly- mental health support. It makes a huge difference. Counselling turned my life around and I’m sure it will help you. Many do sliding scale fees too; I’m on a sliding scale plan where basically I pay what I can afford. I’m grateful so I pay full fees when I can, but knowing I have the support at the level my finances can reach is also a relief. Please reach out. You’re a wonderful person even when you can’t see it. Your cats, your child and your boyfriend all can- and even us MN strangers can too.

I am* *also someone who has been right on that edge and convinced that everyone's lives would be better without me. I was wrong and am very much glad I am still alive. Debts can be fixed - and mine felt overwhelming. My children are definitely better off with me here. There is help. Crisis teams are very supportive.

Gosh you lot are awesome. Thank you all. I’m crying reading your messages but not upset, relieved that people know what I mean and understand. Thank you you wonderful women xxxxxx

My cousins dad killed himself many years ago, he lived in a different country so his siblings didn't see it coming, he had two young children and even as adults they often post on fb how much they miss him, they are definitely not better off without him, and your daughter will not be better off without you, you only ever get one mum and you're hers not your parents in their fancy house, just you.

@Beachbreak2411 you sound like you’ve been a true rolemodel to your little girl, that’s something to be really proud of.
Glad you’ve taken a bit of time to pause, talk to us and cuddle the kittens.
Things will pick up. Reach out and seek help wherever you can.

Please don't leave your daughter, you may think you are a bad mother, but you are her hero! Everything is temporary, I have wanted to end things in the past when I have been through some horrendous atuff, but I kept going and things got better and I have 2 lovely children now. Please reach out for some help x

Firstly lovely, your dd is the way she is because of you! You taught her to be that way! By the sounds of things you have done a damn good job of raising her. That's not down to your parents..that is you being a brilliant mum! Your daughter could have the big house, money, and posh clothes but she won't have her mum and no matter where you live or how you live, you are her mum and its you she will always need.
Secondly, judging by what you have said about your parents. I would go and get your dd ASAP and have nothing more to do with them. They seem to drag you down to the point you are feeling this way and you do not need negativity in your life or around your dd. First thing tomorrow go and see your gp and tell them everything you have said here and be open and honest with your dp too. You need all the support you can get and you will soon see, you are loved and needed. You sound like a lovely person and a fantastic mum. Show your parents that you do not need their negativity in your life and you can get by just fine without their help. Your brothers may have the nice house but they didn't do it, your parents did. Your brothers didn't work for it. What would your brothers do if your parents were not here to help? They wouldn't have that big house. They've been handed it on a plate but being the strong women you are you do not need that. Get help for your debts and see your gp and a weight will be lifted. Get yourself a hot cuppa and curl up in bed. Let everything go for tonight and get a good night sleep and begin the new you tomorrow. I promise you things will look up and when you feel this way again, just look at your dd and how amazing YOU have made her and remember what everyone has said here! Stay strong. You've got this op! 💐

My mum attempted suicide twice when I was 14 and then when I was 17... her mental health was not being supported (1960s) she too thought I'd be better off without her I expect but I have always felt that she wanted to leave me to it and go... don't do it to her, she'll never get over it completely x

To add to my earlier post, just remembered this regarding your debt.

Martin Lewis website for help with your debts. They can direct you to the relevant debt charities. All sorts can be done to help. Some really knowledgeable posters on there for help with debt. It’s not as bad as you think.

I recently helped a family member half her debt with a company (Lowell, if I’m allowed to mention the company) she owed £8000, I wrote a letter on her behalf (can give you more info on what i said if you want to know) and I offered them a settlement figure, they accepted, she had multiple accounts totalling 8k, she is now paying £4000 back, in monthly instalments. The debt will be marked as partially satisfied on her credit report but she doesn’t care about that, they wipe the other part away and she doesn’t have to pay it, she’s just pleased she now only owes half and can pay what she can afford each month.

They were hounding her at work, threatening her with ccjs, phoning her boss, making her ill harassing her, she feels better not brushing it under the carpet anymore.

May not be your specific debt situation, but thought I’d share anyway. There is lots of info on offering settlement figures on Martin Lewis if it’s any help x

Your posts broke my heart OP. Please please don't leave your daughter. She's an amazing daughter because of YOU. You're her amazing mum, and you're her whole world. Both my parents are dead now (not through suicide) and I promise you that I love and miss them so much...I'd give up any material thing if it meant that they were back here with me (and I'm in my 40s and a Mum myself!!). Believe me, your DD would rather have you and her living in the less posh house than not have you and live in a big posh house.

Please don't be ashamed of the debt, this is something that can be sorted. The Martin Lewis/MSE website is bloody brilliant for ways to tackle debt. Get onto there and have a look. There are many there who have been in despair about their situations but have managed to sort things. Wishing you all the best xx