Dumped by boyfriend after he invited me to spend Easter holiday with him at his parents’s house

[lovewarandroses]

Hey guys I was dumped yesterday by my boyfriend that I have been since January. Honestly he and I have been together since January and everything was going well until yesterday. So he invited me to go to his parents house for Easter holidays and I did ( his parents are not around they are in Spain ) so it was just me and him . I got to his parents house on Friday morning and we had a really good day and we became intimate in the evening and it was really good. We were intimate again yesterday morning but about 3 hours after he just switched on me quickly ( he started saying that we were moving too fast and he said he would like to take me to the train station so that I can go back to London) his parents lives in Kent. I was quite devastated and hurt to be honest as I had put so much effort in this relationship and not only that I was excited to spend Easter holiday with him ( we had so many things planned ahead) now I feel hurt, confused, devastated and upset at the same time. I feel like I have been treated unkindly ( he said he realised that we were just different and that me and him were not going to work in the long run) he was just all over me a few minutes before saying this. The whole thing was so bizarre and strange to me, how do I move forward from this ? ( why can’t I just find someone to like me for me, my self esteem has been hit by this) I really liked this guy so this is very difficult for me to process… I just feel like crying …. When i got home he called and messaged me apologising to me for hurting me and ruining my Easter holiday but unfortunately I still feel very hurt and I do miss him terribly ….

My guess is that being together at his parents house brought it home to him that the relationship wasn't right for him, even though he likes you. I imagine he started off trying to make the weekend work while he was unsure, but once he was sure of his feelings he felt that it would be unfair to you to continue as if everything was fine.

Hello

Haven't read all the replies, but just wanted to say that something very similar happened to me after about three-months with my now husband, and father of my two children.

The guy doesn't sound like a nasty piece of work to me. I mean, this is pretty shitty thing to do, but sounds like he is fucking confused too.

Def don't send him any shitty messages. Just stay calm and collected. Be the bigger person.

I think he is just having a panic cos it is starting to get serious. And he doesn't know what to do with his emotions!

My now husband broke up with me after a week long holiday and the day after we had gone out for dinner with my parents for my dad's birthday.

He stated "incompatability" too. And when I pushed him to be more specific he couldn't really find anything.

I stepped away for a few weeks, and just kept myself busy and my friends close. I was absolutely devastated! He messaged me a lot, and I was always kind and honest to him, and explained I was confused as I thought it was going so good.

And after a few weeks, he got in contact and said he wanted to go for dinner. We did. And we talked a lot and had such a fun time.

But I refused to go back to his house afterwards (i wasn't putting out!). And I sent him a message afterwards saying I thought we had something special, and I don't know what else he was waiting for or looking for...

The next day he was outside my door with a bunch of flowers saying he had made a massive mistake.

And now we are married with two children!

You know your gut, OP. Be the bigger person. Be true and honest and yourself. If it was meant to be, and is a true genuine connection, he will figure it out. And he will be back.

And if he doesn't, then you know you did everything you could. And I am sure your knight in shining armour is just around the corner..

Good luck!

It’s definitely heartbreaking for you, but his reasons make sense. No idea why everyone always jumps to cheating on these threads. I think ignore that thought as it’s not helpful to your self esteem.

It sounds like he was hoping to test your compatibility as a couple on this weekend together, and possibly then felt overwhelmed by how quickly things had moved into “established relationship” territory for you, freaked out, and finished it abruptly, as his concerns over compatibility hadn’t been resolved.

Thats really sad if you felt very certain about him, but try not to take that to heart. And maybe after a while you might start to think about the reasons he wasn’t all you wanted either. In the initial stages of love a lot of projection can be happening, so you may not have been seeing him totally clearly in terms of what he could really offer you.

take care, get lots of liquids, time outdoors and gentle movement and you will get through this.

Is he on the rebound.
His sudden reaction sounds like something I went through many years ago.
I found out he suddenly ended it for, in my opinion, no obvious reason, because he’d just come out of a long relationship.
Perhaps some detective work might come up with a reason that actually has nothing to do with you.

OP, tree very, very carefully. He will come and beg you back, whether this week, next month, or over summer. He’s trying to discombobulate you. He wants you confused and upset. He will come back and promise he’s changed, done some thinking, etc. Don’t listen to a word of it.

He 100% without any shadow of a doubt just realised you are not compatible. If he had and he was decent he’d have still waited till you were back in London to tell you.

https://thebetteryouinstitute.com/2021/04/01/love-bombing-the-narcissistic-abuse-cycle/

If this was the first time you had sex then he thought you werent physically compatible.
I dont think he was being awful, just truthful.
You say you've put so much effort into this relationship. What do you mean by that?

He's a man don't try to give him more depth than he's capable of. They don't have nuances and complex personalities. Each new generation of women has to find this out the hard way. We never learn.

He was ok to go out with you and have sex but he's not interested in anything else & he's not going to waste the rest of his 4 day weekend on you when he can be doing his own thing. So he's packed you off home.

He doesn't want to feel like a bad person so he's soft soaping you with text messages.

No one forgets they have a phone, it's 2023, no one's done that since 1997. It's bollocks.

He is a twat and him now apologising and being sorry is his way of trying to alleviate his guilt.
He led you on and made these wonderful plans only to suddenly dump you minutes after sleeping with you?
i am so sorry he had hurt you in this way. As others have said block him and do not feel sorry for him - he could have dumped you before sleeping with you! That would have hurt but would have been more respectful.
do not speak to him again. I suspect when he is feeling bored/horny he will contact you apologising that he has ‘made a mistake’ but you are worth much much more than this.
xxxx

I know it’s hard to hear at the time but what he’s done by ending things now is probably kinder than stringing you along for months more before ending it. The timing being after a couple
of days of sex is a bit shitty but again, he could have waited after a few more days by the sounds of it and he didn’t.

It doesn’t matter whether it’s because you’re too different or he’s got someone else in the sidelines, or maybe he doesn’t want to be in a. relationship and wants to keep his options open - realistically he’s just not that into you and that sucks but you’ll be okay.

I did the same thing of beating myself up every time it didn’t work out with a guy - “what’s wrong with me” etc but after a while you just come to realise that they weren’t right for you and there’s nothing wrong with you.

Theres plenty more fish in the sea - just give yourself some time and then cast your line back out there. You’ll find someone right for you.

My daughter had a similar experience. Turned out the guy was a total fantasist - he dumped her rather than face the music when he realised the fantasy was about to be exposed. She was devastated. And remained so for months. They had stayed at the "parents"- but she never actually met them. He was talking marriage the same day he dumped her. Years later and in a different city she ran into him with his current "fiancee" who was a work colleague of hers. He promptly vanished. I only got suspicious when I tried to discuss his so-called pHd which happened to be on a topic I knew well. He clearly had no idea. In retrospect I wish I had taken my daughter aside and had a word. But it was at a family wedding and so I delayed and he dumped her before I got a chance to speak with her - maybe because he guessed I was sceptical . Either way the experience sucks and I'm sorry it happened to you.

Being dumped - it happens. Being dumped during a weekend away that the OP was invited to is brutal.

I spent majority of the time with him and also he was not even on his phone when we were together. In fact it was me that was on my phone. I had to tell him to check his what’s app to check the pictures that I had sent him and he said he had totally forgotten that he had a phone.

Maybe this had something to do with it. Why were you busy on your phone on a weekend away and telling him to check his when you're both together seems a bit odd.

I would find that all a bit tedious this early on in a relationship tbh.

This is almost exactly what happened to me when I was 19. I was at uni and started dating D then. He was good looking but shy. Told me he had spent most of his first year unhappy and lonely. I went to stay with his family and they were lovely. Sex was great and we spent most of our time together. During the summer break he met all my friends and just before we went back to uni his parents went away and I went down to stay. We were going to a party and after I had been there having a great time and after being “intimate “ one night he said I had to go home and drove me to the station to catch the 5am train. Back at uni he ignored me and would not explain. I was devastated, even more so when he started dating the most beautiful girl in the hall. She actually changed her course to the same as his and made it clear they were together forever. Then he did the same to her!!!! Eventually he married someone from his village, she had never had a job. I think he just had commitment phobia. I ‘m my 60’s now and it still makes me feel a bit sad if I think about it. He has had bad health for some time now, whereas DH and I have a very active lifestyle. In the long term I had a lucky escape.

Was it the first time you’d had sex? Maybe it was rubbish / he felt no chemistry etc? You’ve only been seeing him 3 months so it’s better it’s over now.

Think of it like this: you were fine before you met him. You'll be fine after you met him. Forget the bit inbetween.

I remember a thread where the woman suddenly got the ‘ick’ while having sex with her (fairly new?) bf. Responses were pretty much everyone saying dump him and get him out the house as soon as possible (he was still asleep in her bed). The guy hadn’t done anything wrong she just realised she wasn’t into him. No one was making her the bad guy. So much hypocrisy on MN.

Every day thousands of relationships start and end, after varying periods of time, for a multitude of reasons. Breaking up with someone because after 3 months you’re not falling for them is really nothing strange. It’s crap for the person being dumped, but there’s really no need to dig deep looking for reasons. If we all loved each other after 3 months we’d all still be with our teen boyfriends, which I can guarantee most of us aren’t

Whilst I agree with this- in most cases when a 3 month relationship isnt going well and you know it, you dont then ask them to stay for a long weekend over at your parents house, have sex with them and then literally tell them to go home early!

Relationships dont usually fail within a matter of hours if theyve been otherwise great, its usually a gradual decline over a period time where you slowly realise it isnt going to work. If he was having doubts he shouldnt have invited her to stay over and had sex with her- he should have expressed those feelings before getting her hopes up by asking her to spend the weekend with him. Its emotionally immature and unkind behaviour.

Indeed ,I was once dumped after three months and whilst it hurt at the time ,there was no one else involved ,he just wasn't feeling the same as me that wasn't his fault or mine.

I assume the weekend had been arranged a few weeks ago, before he started feeling doubts. And often little doubts disappear, so I wouldn’t always act on them straight away. And having sex with someone who you’re not sure you want to stay with is not black and white. You can be in that phase where you’re not sure, can’t decide how you feel, try to act normal in the hope that the doubts will disappear. But then they don’t, and suddenly you’re faced with the certainty that you want out.

As others have said, if this was a woman posting that she’d gone away with a new-ish boyfriend, had tried to make the best of it, had a nice day, good sex etc - but had realised that the little doubts she had were now big certainties, and that she couldn’t face continuing the rest of the trip……everyone would be telling her to end it, not to feel guilty, didn’t owe him anything etc. No one would be calling her a bitch and accusing her of having another man waiting in the wings! Or chastising her for arranging the trip in the first place, and having sex with him when she wasn’t sure how she felt.

The simple fact is, relationships end, and it doesn’t necessarily mean the person ending it is a bad person. Cheating is bad, ghosting is bad, lying is bad. But simply saying “I’m sorry but I’m not feeling it” - that’s just life.

There month,s isn't really long enough to.have a gradual decline ,though maybe he realised that he and Op.were not compatible?

On the other hand he might just not be feeling it ?
it happens nobodies fault .

You dodged a bullet!

He's emotionally unstable and doesn't know what he wants. He was happy with you and having sex with you, then just dumped you shortly afterwards. This is not a case of having noticed that you are not compatible and deciding to break up, this is a case of having gotten what he wanted and dumping you like trash.

If he had simply decided you didn't work out as a couple he didn't have to make you feel like trash. You had things planned, he could have told you and then invited you to stay as a friend and still have a Easter holiday. It would have been hard too but at least he would have respected you as a person.

His boohoo I'm so sorry messages are also ridiculous. He is sorry for himself. Tell him that you are moving on an wish no further contact.

Some of the comments here are odd to me. They were together for three months but spending four days together would be too much at that stage? Surely not. And his behaviour was clearly not acceptable, he threw her out. You can break up with someone without telling them to get out immediately.

You will find someone much better!

I've been in a really similar situation.
Was seeing a guy for around 5 months. We got on really well and everything seemed good.
One day he became really cold with me - totally out of the blue, and finished the relationship.
A week later he was back with his ex.
I think he'd been playing both of us the whole time.

I think when you are on your home turf you can see people in a different light. Perhaps your "going" personality which was fine in London seemed a bit much away from the city.
I think he just got the ick, which is no judgement on you but there is no turning back once it's happened. I like pp idea of a thumbs up emojii and move on no second chances.