Aibu not telling new partner about diagnosis

[Bpdqueen]

Iv been seeing a new guy for about 3 months now and things have been going great and I'm worried that if I tell him I have bpd he will leave. Aibu to keep this secret from him.

OP the next couple of months would be a good time to tell him.

You sound like you have quite a lot of professional input so might be disappearing off for appts.

Perhaps mention you see a psychologist and have some traits of EUPD and sometimes struggle with your mood and emotions. Just to start the conversation. You don’t need to mention the police incidents in the first instance.

If I were you I would print off some leaflets from MIND or the RCPsych website. Then chat to him and give him those to read. Either together or to take away. That way his initial exposure to this diagnosis won’t be misleading google info.

Good luck. MH issues are tough.

No I definitely love him and he loves me

A lot of women are diagnosed both with c-PTSD and BPD. It doesn’t present radically differently.

And yes, men are also diagnosed with it but at a much much lower rate than women. The men I have met with that diagnosis have had hair trigger tempers, and the ability to switch from charming to terrifying in a second - so I am not minimising your experience with your ex but it doesn’t change the statistics on women vs men diagnosed, or the amount of those women who have a history of childhood abuse.

For those saying OPs boyfriend has no right to know about her diagnosis, there's another side to this situation.

I watched one of my brothers in a relationship with someone with BPD. It was really difficult to grasp just how 'in' to him she was very, very quickly. That's not to say my brother isn't lovely/lovable, he very much is. Rather, it was the rapidity of him being, in her mind, basically the best man to have ever walked the earth.

The control/need for his constant presence/attention came first. The control of his whereabouts, even visiting our parents became a reason to believe he had abandoned her in favour of others. If he wasn't home by a particular time, she'd start calling my parents literally one minute after he was 'due' home, out of control sobbing and screaming that he didn't care for her.

We watched on as that idealisation turned, seemingly overnight, to devaluation of our beloved brother. She'd tell anyone who'd listen he was mean, selfish, bullying, heartless etc. etc. None of this squared with the man we know.

Then the threats of suicide began if he didn't do this, or if he did do that.
Because he is so nice, he became her emotional prisoner and punchbag, scared he would be the cause of her killing herself or, at best, harming herself. For context, our other brothers would not have tolerated her behaviour, and would have walked away a damned sight sooner.

When he did eventually gather the courage to leave the relationship, with a lot of support from our parents, our other brothers and me, the violence and threats were added to the suicide threats.

As he was gathering his belongings she started assaulting him, hitting him with anything she could lay her hands on and screaming she would tell everyone he'd raped her.

The brother, with whom my brother was staying until he got himself organised, had his wife's car vandalised with 'SLUT' 'CUNT' etc. sprayed all over it.

The police told us she'd intended damaging my brother's car, for 'abandoning' her, and because it wasn't there she just damaged my SILs car instead to 'relieve' her trauma at my brother having 'abandoned' her.

So, yeah, this man deserves to know the history of the OPs behaviour towards her exes.

The only thing that would give me pause tbh is the smashing of an ex's car (although I sympathise!)

These are things you can share when the timing is right. I wouldn't, personally ,broadcast them 3 months in and I would wait til he had an understanding of the condition first.

I say this gently but how can he love you when he doesn't know you?

This is good advice. "Start the conversation" is what I was getting at but nicely put. You don't need to do a huge info dump all at once. Bitesize.

Also, make sure you're getting extra support from the professionals around you and others you remain close to, both to advise you on how to handle but also to support you should he baulk or should the relationship not last for other reasons.

And while I completely understand posts from the other side of the fence, you are deserving of love and a relationship op and you're not a bad person for suffering with this condition.

When you do talk to him, make sure he knows the steps you take to manage your condition and the support you have.

Thankyou

I think you have two choices:

1. You don't tell him and he finds out when the wheels inevitably fall off again and you exhibit some of the behaviours you've described that reveals it in its worst light.

1. You take advantage of being "well" right now to explain to him what it is, how it affects you and how it can cause you to behave, how he can support you etc.

I say this as someone with a serious MH diagnosis myself. It's much easier to deal with the difficult times when you've got a support network that knows it might happen. It's hard to trust people with that knowledge but, as I have found out just last week, it makes the journey easier when you have and things go wrong.

Of course it's relevant. Her genitals have nothing to do with how dangerous and violent her behaviour is.

I was in a FB group for people with BPD. A man joined, and asked if being abusive was a trait as his girlfriend was being absolutely awful to him and blaming it on BPD. She was physically and emotionally abusing him, and insisting he had to put up with it as she "could not help it" and that "it is a BPD thing". Her family said she was vulnerable and it would be bad for him to leave her.
She would hurt him, and go with him to the hospital and excuse it away on things like him falling over etc. She would send him vile messages about his child, and photos of her own self harm.
He was begging us, not knowing what to do. He didn't want to make her worse and leave her. They had a row, and she shut him out of their flat. He posted pics of himself eating chips in a duvet on the landing.
We all said call the police, stay with a friend etc. He was so scared that she was tracking his phone. He deleted his FB profile and vanished from the group.
A few months later, I read about a man in the area he lived in who was killed by in a DV situation by his girlfriend. I have always wondered if it was him in the end.

I'm neither dangerous or violent

At the moment.

You've already shown you can be volatile when unwell.

I think these sorts of judgements are really unhelpful. The op is looked after by a team of skilled professionals- they're the ones qualified to assess whether she's dangerous or violent, not armchair psychologists.

I told someone on a first date. We've now been married 14 years. If you fit, you fit.

Unfortunately it has been proven in this thread that people will unfairly stigmatise you as violent, narcissistic, controlling and abusive just because you said you had bpd.

This is what awaits you if you tell him now, instead of waiting until a couple of years when he actually gets to know and love the real you.

I agree, however she asked for our input

I didn't say you were, I said your behaviour was.

Smashing up someone's car is aggressive and violent. I appreciate that's part of your illness but that doesn't change the impact your behaviour has on other people.

Smashing car windows is violent. You've been arrested 4 times.

You are at best volatile.

He deserves to know.

No, people are calling her violent because she's described violent behaviour.

Can I ask how long it has been since your last ‘episode’ OP? If you have been stable for a while then that’s a good sign that you are doing well.

From my professional experience, a stabilising job or relationship or positive life event etc can be the turning point for someone with EUPD. Not everyone who has EUPD and a history of risk to themselves is unstable forever more.

Who knows, this relationship could spell the start of stability for you, OP. But I do think some open chats are needed jver the coming months. Gentle disclosure over time.

I have BPD, and have been arrested and sectioned on account of being aggressive and violent.
At the time, I didn't think I was at all.

Exactly! No one called her violent before she mentioned the car smashing. It's not prejudice to call a behaviour by its name.

She's been arrested largely for her own safety.

Not quite the same as repeat criminal behaviour. And she isn't saying he doesn't deserve to know.

As pp said -waht is important here is how long she's been stable for, as well as how she is managing her condition, what tends to effect it and what her clinical team say.

More good advice:)