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Aibu not telling new partner about diagnosis

534 replies

Bpdqueen · 30/01/2023 11:52

Iv been seeing a new guy for about 3 months now and things have been going great and I'm worried that if I tell him I have bpd he will leave. Aibu to keep this secret from him.

OP posts:
XenoBitch · 30/01/2023 18:58

Bpdqueen · 30/01/2023 18:50

No we don't argue at all. We just get on really well

If things are going well, then why do you say you will kill yourself if he breaks things off?
That is something to think about.

Bpdqueen · 30/01/2023 18:58

DuplicateUserName · 30/01/2023 18:55

So you don't know how either of you will react when you do fall out?

This is key in all relationships and probably another reason why it's best to tell him about your BPD now, especially if it might lead to you making threats to kill yourself.

I do know I need to tell him but I just don't want to lose him I genuinely think this Is someone I could be with forever and I really want to have a baby with him I think he would be an amazing dad

OP posts:
LaLuz7 · 30/01/2023 19:03

Bpdqueen · 30/01/2023 18:58

I do know I need to tell him but I just don't want to lose him I genuinely think this Is someone I could be with forever and I really want to have a baby with him I think he would be an amazing dad

Would you make a good mom?

Bpdqueen · 30/01/2023 19:07

LaLuz7 · 30/01/2023 19:03

Would you make a good mom?

If I was with him yeah

OP posts:
007DoubleOSeven · 30/01/2023 19:08

LaLuz7 · 30/01/2023 18:17

Yes, yes you do. You said most her arrests were attempts to keep her safe, totally dismissing that her behavior was A. Violent (car smashing) and B. Dangerous to others (walking into traffic)

The disorder explains it, but in no way does it make it ok or acceptable

I didnt say the car smashing wasn't violent or suggest that that arrest wasn't to keep her safe. Hence "most". And, no, I didn't dismiss anything, let alone "totally". These are sensitive topics which illicit strong emotions in many people and I'm sorry you feel triggered by it.

LaLuz7 · 30/01/2023 19:09

Bpdqueen · 30/01/2023 19:07

If I was with him yeah

That's concerning. It’s like you can't see yourself as an individual, outside this relationship. This type of enmeshment is never good.

007DoubleOSeven · 30/01/2023 19:16

Bpdqueen · 30/01/2023 18:32

No because he makes me happy. I'm so much calmer when I'm with him. I just love everything about him and when he's not here I hate it. I can't sleep at night unless he's cuddling me

It isn't wrong to feel this way, but you need to be aware that the strength of you feelings here are part of the BPD and the reason your team are advising caution are to encourage you to find ways of coping with your feelings and the impact they have on your life and your behaviour.

Slowing down will give you opportunity to explore and put into place boundaries with yourself - and give him a chance to put them in place- and help you develop a healthy relationship rather than one which is too intense. And you must recognise that this is key to how emotionally stable you remain?

Work with your team to find ways to manage the intensity and promote independence. Can you find an online dbt therapist? A lot of highly effective therapy can be delivered online now and will ensure you're not losing out by your postcode.

You have a chance to focus on building a really healthy relationship with this man and if you're scared of how he will react to your bpd then it's more incentive to try and get this right rather than giving free reign to the intensity of your feelings.

DuplicateUserName · 30/01/2023 19:24

Bpdqueen · 30/01/2023 18:58

I do know I need to tell him but I just don't want to lose him I genuinely think this Is someone I could be with forever and I really want to have a baby with him I think he would be an amazing dad

Then be honest with him.

Reginap · 30/01/2023 20:23

Wtf

Reginap · 30/01/2023 20:25

Yeah bring a baby into the world great idea

SandraCumin · 30/01/2023 20:28

LaLuz7 · 30/01/2023 19:03

Would you make a good mom?

What a horrendous thing to say. There is no indication whatsoever that she wouldn’t make a great mum. More stigma for people like us, sooooo great 🙄

Sukisal · 30/01/2023 20:30

SandraCumin · 30/01/2023 20:28

What a horrendous thing to say. There is no indication whatsoever that she wouldn’t make a great mum. More stigma for people like us, sooooo great 🙄

Sorry, I disagree completely. Someone who will be suicidal if she loses a partner of 3 months, has been arrested and sectioned multiple times and who is currently clearly unwell is not in the ideal space to have a baby, at the moment.

XenoBitch · 30/01/2023 20:32

SandraCumin · 30/01/2023 20:28

What a horrendous thing to say. There is no indication whatsoever that she wouldn’t make a great mum. More stigma for people like us, sooooo great 🙄

I am a person like you. Been in therapy with other ladies with BPD. Some had kids, and could only see them in a contact centre.

LaLuz7 · 30/01/2023 20:34

SandraCumin · 30/01/2023 20:28

What a horrendous thing to say. There is no indication whatsoever that she wouldn’t make a great mum. More stigma for people like us, sooooo great 🙄

Having a mother who is always one crisis away from suicide is an incredibly traumatic and anxiety filled experience for a helpless child. It's living life in terror. To say otherwise is simply deluded.

007DoubleOSeven · 30/01/2023 20:37

@Bpdqueen how long ago were you diagnosed?

LaLuz7 · 30/01/2023 20:37

LaLuz7 · 30/01/2023 20:34

Having a mother who is always one crisis away from suicide is an incredibly traumatic and anxiety filled experience for a helpless child. It's living life in terror. To say otherwise is simply deluded.

So I'm not saying she couldn't be a good mother. I'm saying she would need to get her condition fully under control first, which is quite clearly not happening at the moment.

DuplicateUserName · 30/01/2023 20:55

SandraCumin · 30/01/2023 20:28

What a horrendous thing to say. There is no indication whatsoever that she wouldn’t make a great mum. More stigma for people like us, sooooo great 🙄

The OP has said she's already a mum.

Simulacra · 30/01/2023 20:57

For reference, I have CPTSD, my brother has BPD. We were both abused and neglected by chaotic, addict, middle class mother and step Dad, our father was absent.

I don’t have a criminal record, because I don’t commit that sort of behaviour, he spent most of his 20s being arrested with three brief stints in prison.

His relationships have all been intense, turbulent and short. He has remained single for a decade (after his last stint in prison when he got a place in supported living, had intensive therapy and has changed himself as much as someone with BPD can), because relationships (amongst other things) are huge triggers for behavioural changes.

I have a PhD, he has a handful of GCSEs at a Grade D.

I have children, he (thankfully/that he’s aware of!) does not.

Crucially, in my opinion, he stayed in regular contact with our parents until the third stint in prison, when he went and has remained NC. I stayed out of our home as much as possible during GCSE/A Levels, went to Uni as far away as possible, was NC by my first Christmas away and haven’t spoken to them since.

Having witnessed my brothers life, there is no chance I would date someone with BPD or anything worse than a “basic” mental health issue.

Anonymouseposter · 30/01/2023 20:59

OP, google DBT self help, it’s not really a substitute for face to face DBT but it’s something. Also look up a book “The mindful way through depression “ by Mark Williams. Mindfulness is a big part of DBT and can actually start to change pathways in the brain and increase calmness. CBT isn’t the same as DBT. Try practicing mindfulness while you’re feeling okay. I’m sorry you can’t access DBT in your area.

Bpdqueen · 30/01/2023 21:51

Anonymouseposter · 30/01/2023 20:59

OP, google DBT self help, it’s not really a substitute for face to face DBT but it’s something. Also look up a book “The mindful way through depression “ by Mark Williams. Mindfulness is a big part of DBT and can actually start to change pathways in the brain and increase calmness. CBT isn’t the same as DBT. Try practicing mindfulness while you’re feeling okay. I’m sorry you can’t access DBT in your area.

Thankyou I will

OP posts:
Bpdqueen · 30/01/2023 21:52

007DoubleOSeven · 30/01/2023 20:37

@Bpdqueen how long ago were you diagnosed?

About 5 years ago

OP posts:
Bpdqueen · 30/01/2023 21:57

XenoBitch · 30/01/2023 20:32

I am a person like you. Been in therapy with other ladies with BPD. Some had kids, and could only see them in a contact centre.

That's how it was with my first 2 this baby would be different

OP posts:
Bpdqueen · 30/01/2023 21:59

LaLuz7 · 30/01/2023 20:37

So I'm not saying she couldn't be a good mother. I'm saying she would need to get her condition fully under control first, which is quite clearly not happening at the moment.

Well I stopped taking the pill a few weeks ago so what will be will be

OP posts:
LaLuz7 · 30/01/2023 22:00

Bpdqueen · 30/01/2023 21:59

Well I stopped taking the pill a few weeks ago so what will be will be

Does he know that?

XenoBitch · 30/01/2023 22:01

Bpdqueen · 30/01/2023 21:57

That's how it was with my first 2 this baby would be different

How do you know?
You still have an extensive MH team looking after you. That is not a sign you are coping.