Aibu not telling new partner about diagnosis

[Bpdqueen]

Iv been seeing a new guy for about 3 months now and things have been going great and I'm worried that if I tell him I have bpd he will leave. Aibu to keep this secret from him.

There is no poll now but I remind you that when I last looked 210 people had votes. 90% thought you were being unreasonable. Please have this conversation with your mental health team.

They know im with him and that he spends most nights here

What have they said about it?

But why would you recommend an unhealthy relationship to anyone? I mean it might support the person with BPD to some extent but what about the effect on the other person in the relationship? To know that if they at any point for whatever reason want to leave the relationship then the person they're with will probably kill themselves or at the very least smash up their car/belongings. You seem to only be looking at this from the point of view of the person with BPD and what works for them with no consideration for the other person in the relationship or the damage all this could do to their mental health.

I don't know why anyone would recommend an unhealthy and completely dysfunctional relationship, the OP clearly needs a lot of help with regulating her emotions if this is how she feels when she considers herself 'well'. It's clear she has little self awareness as she doesn't really believe she is unwell and has little insight into her condition. What she needs is professional help and to be putting her time and effort into that. It's awful though that DBT, the 'gold standard' for BPD is not available to her.

I don't minimise, dear.

But don't judge suicidal behaviour as selfish, ok?

No I'm not a man but I'm really surprised your thought process is so tiny.

You can't imagine someone having such a violent episode that they're smashing up windows, might turn on the person who tries to stop them?

You can't imagine they might turn whatever weapon they're using to smash those windows, onto that person?

Come on, I'm sure you can if you think about it a bit.

Throughout this thread your comments have been very self aware. What I really appreciate is being able to take accountability. I've noticed that people with untreated BPD are usually in denial or always the victim, in contrast.

i.e BPD man hits girlfriend. It's the girlfriend's fault for making him angry, in his head.

Yes, yes you do. You said most her arrests were attempts to keep her safe, totally dismissing that her behavior was A. Violent (car smashing) and B. Dangerous to others (walking into traffic)

The disorder explains it, but in no way does it make it ok or acceptable

Repeat offenders can and do get prosecuted for doing things like walking onto train tracks and in front of cars.
It puts other people at risk.
There was a whole new scheme (the SIM model - Serenity Integrated Mentoring) to deal with stuff like this.

I've noticed that about @XenoBitch too and it's refreshing to witness

They told me to slow things down they don't like that he basically lives here now but obviously I wanna spend time with him

Ok, that's good. Are they aware of how deep your feelings are and of your feelings that if the relationship ends you are considering actions against yourself? The reason being is that this whole thread is premised on your worry that he will leave you if you disclose your diagnosis. Have your team made any suggestions regarding disclosing your diagnosis to new partners?

Thank you. It has taken a lot of time and work to get where I am now.
I look at my past behaviours, and I am mortified.

They know I love him and they know what has happened in the past when exs have left me. They don't know I haven't told him yet about the bpd

Can you elaborate on those past breakups? Other than the car smashing have there been other episodes?

Iv been sectioned following breakups due to suicide attempts

Him almost living with you is a huge commitment though.

So, your MH team have said to slow things down. Have you listened to them?

Can you get in touch with your team tomorrow. They are really best placed to support and guide you - they know your history, they know your current circumstances and they are trained and have the experience to know what you should be doing at the moment. This is clearly on your mind and the fact that your DP will be coming over tonight means this is all swirling around in your head.

Please do listen to your team. I know you want to spend all the time you can with your DP but maybe think about for the benefit of the longer term health of you and your relationships, the team knows that taking it slower right now will pay off for you.

No because he makes me happy. I'm so much calmer when I'm with him. I just love everything about him and when he's not here I hate it. I can't sleep at night unless he's cuddling me

You need to feel ways to feel calm without him.
Did you sleep ok before you met him?

Iv always struggled with sleeping alone I don't feel safe

I know it feels like he might fix that sleep issue now.. but he is not here for that.
That is something you need to deal with away from him.

You're already completely reliant upon a man you've only been with for 3 months, which makes you extremely vulnerable OP.

Have you two had any arguments yet?

No we don't argue at all. We just get on really well

So you don't know how either of you will react when you do fall out?

This is key in all relationships and probably another reason why it's best to tell him about your BPD now, especially if it might lead to you making threats to kill yourself.