Aibu not telling new partner about diagnosis

[Bpdqueen]

Iv been seeing a new guy for about 3 months now and things have been going great and I'm worried that if I tell him I have bpd he will leave. Aibu to keep this secret from him.

Op - your last statement suggests that you might be unwell at the moment.

Have you someone you can turn to for support right now?

('Someone who knows you well in real life might be able to advise you better on your relationship too.)

@Trez1510 Are you a health care professional by any chance you sound like one ?

Saying you'd kill yourself if he fell out with you, is precisely why you need to tell him, and your mental health team.

You have BPD so you know your fear of abandonment might be driving this, unless you are currently in crisis or not stable your BPD might not even present itself? Don't write yourself off OP before you both get a chance to know each other better. Do you have self harm marks that he will notice or anything?

I'm ok honestly. My partner is coming round soon to spend the night and I won't be telling him anything tonight so everything will be fine

You just told us you would kill yourself over a 3 moth relationship. Gently @Bpdqueen... this is neither normal nor healthy. You are way too fragile to navigate an intimate relationship.

Well yes, there are the odd few people that are managing well but they might only be able to work part time, claiming disability benefits, have a SW/CPN etc as well as medication. I don't think I've ever met anyone that I have a close (emotionally or contact time) where it hasn't become apparent something is different. OP has been admitted to hospital and has a criminal record. Unfortunately it seems that her condition is far from well managed, however I accept that many people love relatively 'normal' lives.

I'd kill myself

and this is why bpd and cptsd need to be kept as separate diagnoses
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Have you ever been offered DBT? Everything isn’t alright if you feel that you would kill yourself if the relationship ended. DBT has a whole section on learning to regulate intense emotions. I do think you need to start to talk to him about your mental health soon but I understand your fears about coming straight out with a diagnosis, just make a start soon

@LaLuz7 OP's response is textbook BPD and is completely normal for the diagnosis. It's not healthy, sure, but people with BPD live life with their psyche telling them constantly to die. It's like an inwards Tourette's syndrome of horrible thoughts shouting at you to kill your self and you are worthless. I don't have BPD but have worked with PD for 14 years. To tell someone they should avoid a relationship because of their diagnosis is harmful, relationships are actually really beneficial for BPD to regulate and a lot will have prolonged periods of stable mental health in a good supportive relationship

It's not available in my area unfortunately

I don't really understand this argument - Psychopaths, Sociopaths and Narcissists are also extremely likely to have had very traumatic childhoods but should we reclassify those personality disorders as complex PTSD too?

There is also a current argument that personality disorders should be classified as types of neurodiversity due to the fact that they seem to be inheritable and there are similarities between them and ND's too.

Personally I think it's a very bad idea to close down diagnoses and start lumping more and more people in together due to 'some similarities'.

But surely that only applies if her partner would know about her diagnosis and was able to support her?

No one can force you to tell your partner, OP. But please at least consider speaking to your treatment team and get their advice.

You deserve a loving relationship, but hiding this from your partner will not end well.

And for many with BPD, a relationship brings with it a whole load of triggers.

That is shit OP, DBT should be available to everyone with BPD in my opinion as it could have such a positive impact. Is CBT or anything else available to you?

I know its literally a postcode lottery when it comes to mh care. Iv had cbt 4 times but not found it helpful

Just because violent behaviour and manipulation cam be explained by a diagnosis doesn't make them not violent, manipulative or harmful to others. It's not ok to suggest that because a relationship helps regulate a condition that it is ok to lie about your past and your extreme behaviour. Childhood abuse does not excuse abuse of children even though it explains how their sexuality developed. Serial killers are not excused because their awful childhood trauma means their brains did not develop empathy. A diagnosis doesn't make the behaviour ok, it helps us find ways to help and manage those feelings so the behaviours can be controlled.

I know it's not obligatory but as you're on Mumsnet, do you have children? If so do they have input from a SW. Would they need to know if eg your boyfriend is in regular contact with them or moves in. Would you like children with him? If so he needs to know how this might affect family life etc. Pregnancy itself can heighten symptoms.

It's not for me to say what love is but have you each met friends/family? Do you go out together or do you tend to spend time just in each others company/beds? Don't make any rash decisions eg re living arrangements, work, pregnancy, engagement etc.....let things sit for a while. If he has the Full picture and is still around in a years time then trust your judgement.

My experience wasn't as extreme as physical violence, but he did cut me off abruptly multiple times, tell me he hated me and never wanted to speak again.

I was devastated the first time. Once I blocked him everywhere and started to move on, he appeared near my house one night, stopping his car next to me late at night when I was walking home from work. It was scary because I left work at random times and he knew exactly where I would be. Stopped, wound down the window, said hello, then sped off.

Then I'd check my blocked message texts folder and it would be a crisis (family death) where I'd feel obligated to help.

I ended up on diazepam for a few months since I constantly felt on edge. Spent about £2K on therapy.

He would block me all the time as a method of control, but would always unblock if he sensed I was moving on.

I lost a few friends over it, for taking him back. He threatened to beat up a man I worked with for messaging me.

It's a cycle you can end up trauma bonded to.

I have 2 older children who ss where involved with I didn't think I wanted anymore children but I would love a baby with him

Please really consider if you can give a baby the stability and emotional availability they need in order to thrive

OP, you need to speak to your clinical support team about this relationship and disclosure as soon as possible. Are your support team aware of this relationship?

I’m sorry OP but you don’t sound well at all with your subsequent updates. I don’t think this thread is helping. You seem to only be concentrating on the posts that tell you not to tell him, but largely ignoring the rest.

Could I ask what constitutes a bad episode? I mean what is he likely to witness when you have one?

I agree with this.