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Original poster

OH has left hand hold please.. police just left

162 replies

Xmasiscomingg · 29/12/2022 11:09

He completely flipped this morning I asked him for more help with the baby in the night and it just escalated and he pretty much attacked me and pushed the kids over whilst they was trying to help me. Slapped me round the face and pushed me down on the floor.

I asked him to go he took forever packing his things so I rang the police.

He’s gone now and I feel lost I don’t know what to do. I need to clean the house sort out getting my own car. DD is crying because she wants to go with her dad she is a daddy’s girl.

Im embarrassed to even go out the house because all the neighbours were watching.

OP posts:
Yetanothername99 · 29/12/2022 16:05

Well done for kicking him out, now do not let him back in! This was me 5 years ago and other than a cursory call from social services (standard procedure when police go to a domestic with children present) we had no further involvement and life improved significantly without him in it!

I hope you have lots of real life support to lean on. Life is only going to get better from now on.

oakleaffy · 29/12/2022 16:10

@Xmasiscomingg That myst have been so scary, upsetting and awful.

Christmas ( When people are thrown together all day long) and a new baby is a huge stress for lots of people, but hitting and violence is unforgivable.

My Ex left between Christmas and New Year many yrs ago ( Infidelity) and the upset to son ( 4 ) at time was immense.

I’m so sorry this has happened.
Once someone has hit, they tend to again, as the Rubicon has been crossed.

It really won’t be easy.
Take it an hour at a time.

DC tend to play up massively due to stress- It all adds to the sense of exhaustion and shock.

And terrible fatigue- Hope you have some support. Lucky that your Mum lives nearby!

WeepingSomnambulist · 29/12/2022 16:21

The police just let him leave after you told them what he did and it involved children?
That is unusual.

In the UK, you dont "press charges," that's an American term.
In the UK, the police decide whether or not there is evidence to arrest and then they send the information to the crown prosecution service/procurator fiscal. It is those bodies who decide whether or not to prosecute.
You dont really get a choice. If you call the police and they come and see a violent man to a woman and children, then they'll arrest and remove.

Pressing charges is not an individual choice in the UK. You can refuse to cooperate or ask them not to, and they can take that into consideration and they might need evidence from you to continue. But with children being involved in a physical altercation... the police wouldn't have simply left it to you. Have social services at least been involved?

Angiemum24 · 29/12/2022 16:21

You have done the right thing. Uou must put yourself and your children first.
Call your mum.
Don't worry about a car, just think of yourself and kids.
Get locks changed.
Spend time with your children, don't worry about cleaning up today

Bywayofanupdate · 29/12/2022 16:24

So sorry to hear this OP. You've done the right thing. Don't be embarrassed, it's him who should be embarrassed. Big hugs ❤️

LakieLady · 29/12/2022 16:29

SweetSakura · 29/12/2022 13:27

Not sure if they have already been linked too but this charity was brilliant and helped me get a court order so my husband wasn't allowed in the house etc.

www.ncdv.org.uk/

They are excellent, I've referred clients to them in the past and been really impressed by the way they work.

Yellowcakestand · 29/12/2022 16:37

I contacted police to say I wanted no further action on 2 separate occasions previously and nothing happened.

I was asked if I wanted to 'press charges' and proceed to court the last time, which I said yes I did. Police then said if I didn't want to because it met the threshold for DA it would be put to CPS anyway to go ahead.

SS were informed in my case but it was just a phone call and then a follow up a week or so later. I was advised by them that if I got back with him the case would remain open, I would have a visit and possibly a child protection plan discussion. They also advised me not to let ex see DS and that he had to apply through court for access due to DS being involved in the assault.

A few weeks later I received a further call from SS as ex has made a malicious referral to them but as we were working with a family worker due to the affect it has on DS (2 years old at the time) it was closed the same day.

HappyNewYear2023 · 29/12/2022 16:40

You have done the right thing. Now you need some rl support. Tell your mum. She would he deverstated if she knew you were going through this without her support.

Soothsayer1 · 29/12/2022 17:16

OP, can you try and tell your mum? If you were my daughter I would hope that you could confide in me, I would want to help & support you all I could.
When something this shocking & traumatic happens it can be hard to even get the words out, give yourself time to heal.
Please dont ever take him back, imo he's crossed a line and cant ever be trusted now

Forestcantrun · 29/12/2022 17:22

Don’t be embarrassed. What your neighbours have witnessed is a mum protecting her kids. That’s not shameful. Please ring your mum, it sounds as though you’ve a good relationship, she might be able to help you with the car and also help provide a normal routine for the kids this evening.
You're amazing. Well done on making a speedy selfless decision to help maintain a safe environment for you and the kids x

FabFitFifties · 29/12/2022 18:17

Well done OP - however, you're not sounding like someone intending to see this through. You are spending too much time imagining how he will feel, and referring to his behaviour as like that of another person. It was him. He is capable of doing this again. Consider speaking to your local domestic abuse team - they may help you recognise other abusive behaviours, which you have been accepting /minimising.

Whiskeypowers · 30/12/2022 10:36

@Xmasiscomingg how are you?

Original poster
Xmasiscomingg · 30/12/2022 10:57

Morning I’m ok just feeling a bit down really. He’s coming to get the kids and I have no choice but to borrow the car to get to the dentist as it’s 45 minutes away and I’m in pain.

I managed to get a car sorted and it’s being delivered Tuesday so that’s a bit of my independence back.

Ive told mum now and she shocked that it’s happened she said we can stay at hers but I don’t want to be just sat round moping need to keep myself busy.

baby has been up most of the night crying his top teeth are coming through. So that’s taking it’s toll on me. I feel like I could run away and never come back

OP posts:
JustAnotherManicMomday · 30/12/2022 11:06

First step, you press charges for assault, if not for you for your children. He physically assaulted them to. Then you give yourself a bit of down time, the house can wait a couple of days. Sure, if a car is urgent, then look online. Just most importantly, take time for you and the kids, keep them occupied, play board games or watch movies, bake cookies and eat crap. After all, it's still christmas week. Start afresh in the new year.

FanniesFlaps · 30/12/2022 13:13

I’m trying not to kick you whilst you’re down, but why is he coming to get the kids when he physically assaulted them yesterday?

whynotwhatknot · 30/12/2022 13:22

he pushed his kids yeste4rday and youre letting him have access? sorry but you need to press charges so he cant just have any access he wants

HiDeDi · 30/12/2022 13:24

Well done OP for showing you have boundaries and showing DD you are a strong woman.

Do not take him back (if you are thinking about doing this) until you have had some couples counselling.

You’ve got this!

Whiskeypowers · 30/12/2022 13:32

You shouldn’t be seeing him at all
you shouldn’t be letting him take the children out and taking his car to drive to the dentist though I appreciate you’re in pain.

these developments will be of concern to social services who will be contacting you as what happened will set off a referral to them.

right now you need to keep him away from you
please reconsider the legal options available to you

Original poster
Xmasiscomingg · 30/12/2022 14:17

I just can’t cope at the moment I don’t think I’m going to be look after them. He’s took the 2 oldest and I have baby DS. I can’t manage with 3 kids on my own. Maybe they will be better if without me.

OP posts:
Soothsayer1 · 30/12/2022 14:20

The problem with letting him access the children is that allows him to build a case against you that he is a good father and you are a bad mother when the opposite is true
This is a violent manipulative abuser

Soothsayer1 · 30/12/2022 14:21

This man is a Predator he is trying to crush and dominate you, that's what all his behaviour is about

Original poster
Xmasiscomingg · 30/12/2022 14:38

I have no friends all I have is my mum. I’ve been so close with his family so I feel like I am now loosing everything I have known for then past 7 years.

I can’t stop crying how on earth am I going to do this all alone.

OP posts:
ArabellaScott · 30/12/2022 14:42

Oh, OP. I'm so sorry. Very often isolating someone is part of the pattern of an abusive relationship.

That's part of why it feels so desperately hard to leave. We think we'll lose everything. In fact, the opposite is true.

You are far stronger than you think you are. xxx

mynamesnotMa · 30/12/2022 14:44

Have you contacted social services?

oakleaffy · 30/12/2022 14:52

@Xmasiscomingg
I mentioned you to a friend of mine ( Mum of four) and said that your partner had not had form for this beforehand.

She said that was very unusual that a man would suddenly just snap like that after so long .

A friend was hit by her partner ( blacked eye) and they split, but the partner was horrified at his actions and sought anger management and therapy and realised it was completely inexcusable.

That couple DID get back together, but only because the man admitted he was out of order, ashamed and shocked at his appalling behaviour that one time.

His partner said if he ever laid a finger on her again, it would be over.

They only had one young child. That too was Christmas time.
I realise not every man would take himself off for anger management on his own volition.

Only mentioning this as you said your partner had not acted like this in 7 yrs you had known him.

The other chap admitted to everyone what he had done, so it was all out in the open.

No denial and no excuses .

They were able to come back from it.

Maybe that’s rare.