Why am I this way?

[Myownworstenemy12]

I’ve lost my marriage because I’m argumentative and during an argument I go to worst case things I can say. I’m vile at times and because of this my wife has had enough and left me.
Ive been in and out of therapy over the years, got better and then it would set off again. I’m in therapy this now but only been three or fours times so far. Wife left last week and has stated this is it this time.
I know I do it and hate myself for it, why can’t I be a better version of myself. Why do I have to be so angry and horrible all the time?

Probably because that's what you learnt growing up. Did your parents fight? Did you have to defend yourself against a sibling who used the tactics you use now to hurt you?

It always starts in childhood.

Have you ever gotten anywhere with therapy?

Yes my parents did so exactly the same and the same to me. So it was learned to protect myself against them.

Therapy is great - but change is bloody hard work over years. Build up your self-awareness by identifying why, when and how you react negatively. Mindfulness or Mindful Self-compassion are good tools to assist in developing awareness and self-control. Find a physical practice to enjoy (walking, yoga, pilates, tai chi). Look at the ways you treat yourself unkindly - and change them. You'll get there.

Mysteries - thanks for your words. I was at therapy for years ten years ago but because at the time I hadn’t been in a relationship I never knew I was really like this.
I got married 4 years ago and my partner has put up with quite a lot from me. To be fair they at times can be just as bad with me, but I know what my faults are. I think it’s really only hit me in the last 4 months how bad I am and how my mental health has dipped. I started therapy again 3 months ago to purely tackle this issues as I didn’t want to lose my partner. First therapist didn’t work out but the second one I totally love but have only been to her 3 times so we haven’t really had the chance to get to the nitty gritty.
But my partner gave me a chance 4 months ago to get myself into a better frame of mind but for some reason I’ve got worse. With that they have left and have said it’s over. Having a baby last year didn’t really help my mental health either, lack of sleep, no time together has really pushed me to the brink.

And their parents probably did it to them too.

If you are determined to change, this type of subconscious behaviour responses well to hypnosis. Why? At the moment your mind is doing what it believes to be the right thing to protect you (which it was, when you were young). Rewriting those outdated and unhelpful responses at a subconscious level is far quicker and effective than trying to do it at a conscious level.

@Myownworstenemy12 Inadequate parenting not only leaves us with emotional and psychological wounds, but also with compromised and often destructive self-management strategies. External stresses frequently become beyond our ability to cope. So l believe that the most effective approach is to combine therapy (which addresses the roots) with learning better tools of self-management. Good luck!

You guys completely get it. Yes both my parents, parents wee emotionally and physically abusive with them. So it’s a case of it going down the generations.
I’ve tried discussing it with my mother but she genuinely believes she is nothing like me and doesn’t understand why I act the way I do? It’s very frustrating to have a mother who can’t accept some accountability for how I’ve turned out.

@Myownworstenemy12 - your mother will never understand and therefore will never accept responsibility. The sooner you accept that and start looking forward, not backwards, the sooner you will start the change process. Remember that it's not her fault - she knows no other way.

The pain is absolutely unbearable trying to navigate all this. Why couldn’t I have recognised this so long ago and took proper steps to making sure the people I love most didn’t suffer.
can’t eat or sleep and not a good combination with a small child to look after.

Instead of berating yourself - which does absolutely no good - try thanking yourself for taking the steps that you are to sort this out. Your parents didn't, their parents didn't but you have the insight and the courage to break the chain. Hating yourself will achieve nothing but more sadness and strife. Try being as kind to yourself as you would to your child when s/he makes a mistake.

Imagine you're on a boat. You can choose to stand at the back, looking at the black clouds and churned up water of your past or you can stand at the front and see the calm sea and brightness ahead of you.

Eyes - thank you so much for your kind words. I’m sitting here in tears because it’s nice for someone to give that kind of insight.
I’ve never liked myself because I wasn’t given any self-esteem growing up. My partner over the years was the one person who has come into my life and brightened it up and gave me all the stuff I was looking for, but I didn’t know how to handle it or how to have a normal relationship. I know that’s on me and regardless of our marriage being over I need to make my life better. Would just have been nice to have them in it but I know that can’t be.

You were traumatised by your childhood. EMDR, life changing.

Nobody chooses to become damaged. Our parents were, in their turn, victims of trauma or inadequate parenting - just the same as us. And so on back down the generations. Our anger at what was done to us is justified. But there is also a bigger picture: it is not only me who has suffered.

EMDR, I’ve looked into that today and it looks very what I could do with, expensive though!

This is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through in my life.

Sometimes I think that although I don’t want to die, I just want to cease to exist to take away the pain of it all.

@Myownworstenemy12 - have a look at my AMA on hypnosis. Happy to put you in touch with a local colleague if you're interested. Most do free initial sessions.

@Eyesopenwideawake Sorry if this sounds silly but what’s AMA?
And yes I would be interested.

OP, I recommend ‘Complex PTSD, From Surviving to Thriving’ by Pete Walker and ‘Running on Empty’ by Jonice Webb, who also does a weekly newsletter. I know I carried a lot of anger due growing up in a volatile home and being parentified, expected to put my own needs aside. Along with therapy, in my case CBT I found these books incredibly useful and validating.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/AMA/4559328-im-a-hypnotist-remedial-not-stage-ama

You might find Growing Up Again by Jean Illsley Clarke and Connie Dawson interesting. It focuses on how your childhood affects the way you parent. It's a very painful read (at least, I found) but might be helpful.

Getting therapy and addressing your mental health is great, means you're addressing your problems and moving forward. It takes a long time and lots of healing to get there. Are antidepressants an option for you? (Apologies if this has already been mentioned up thread; just wanted to check as I believe therapy and prozac saved my marriage from collapse)

@Eyesopenwideawake thank you, I’ve been reading this with great interest.

@Kindofcrunchy I will give that book a look up thank you for suggesting. I wish Prozac and therapy had saved my marriage, you had the good sense to seek help when it was needed. I’ve left it too late.

The Body Keeps The Score is a brilliant book for understanding physiologically what's happening to you when the emotions take over. Understanding this helped me put in a pause between the trigger and the reaction. Also helped me to feel it wasn't my fault that I hadn't been able to change easily, these reactions are wired into our bodies.

@Woofie7 It’s nice to know I’m not the only one. I feel so deeply ashamed that my partner has given me chance after chance and I’ve pushed them away probably for the very last time. Is it something deep ingrained in me as to why I don’t stop to think of what will happen?

@SierraSapphire
I’ve looked up that book and think I’ll give it a try, some people saying it was quite graphic in terms of trauma but would be a good read I think.

The pain of what I’ve done is just to hard to cope with. Vile, I’m absolutely vile to the person I love the most.

Vile, I’m absolutely vile to the person I love the most.

"I was vile to the person I love the most but I am going to change and become the person I want to be."

Fixed it for you. 😊