Why am I this way?

[Myownworstenemy12]

I’ve lost my marriage because I’m argumentative and during an argument I go to worst case things I can say. I’m vile at times and because of this my wife has had enough and left me.
Ive been in and out of therapy over the years, got better and then it would set off again. I’m in therapy this now but only been three or fours times so far. Wife left last week and has stated this is it this time.
I know I do it and hate myself for it, why can’t I be a better version of myself. Why do I have to be so angry and horrible all the time?

I’ve looked up that book and think I’ll give it a try, some people saying it was quite graphic in terms of trauma but would be a good read I think.

I didn't find it too graphic, what it did for me was to take away the guilt that it was my fault that I couldn't sort out my emotional regulation just by thinking about it - the emotional bit of your brain isn't well-connected to the conscious thought bit - it's a matter of physiology. Being able to forgive myself for being "damaged" and not being able to sort it out, even with the help of well-meaning therapists, was then a stepping stone to being able to change. I think this is the cornerstone of dialectical behaviour therapy, which you may also want to investigate. I tried EMDR, but because my experience of trauma was basically my whole childhood I didn't find it really worked, I think to tends to work better for more distinct maybe one off incidents, though of course that doesn't mean that it doesn't work for everyone and won't work for you.

@Eyesopenwideawake
Are you my guardian Angel? You really made me feel better at a very dark moment there. Thank you.

If guardian angels have muddy faces and horse shit under their nails then, yeah, I could be! 😉

Happy to have a chat if you think it would be helpful.

I would be seething with anger and nasty when I lost it but it was being brought with an alcoholic who, if you said anything, would be scarily angry with you. So you learn to suppress anger, hatred, fear etc. Nothing growing up was ever discussed or explained.
Upshot is if I lose it I really lose it. The answer is not to suppress but to air grievances, ask to talk about x or y taking turns to speak before you need to start suppressing anything.

@Eyesopenwideawake Any chat right now would help. That’s very kind.

Have sent you a PM.

Yes - CPTSD. OP, I recommend ‘Complex PTSD, From Surviving to Thriving’ by Pete Walker and ‘Running on Empty’ by Jonice Webb,

I would also recommend reading this book.

I feel your pain. I am the same with my loving partner. I’m pushing him to the brink and I don’t mean too. 90% of the time I feel fine then the other 10% is a paranoid evil horrible person. I’m lost and don’t know how to stop it

Maybe you need a diagnosis OP so give you a better understanding of why you are feeling this way. Some of those symptoms are a sign of bpd