Wtf is wrong with me?

[AnonyMouseStrikesAgain]

I find functioning in life impossible. I can't maintain friendships, hobbies, goals, a tidy house, jobs commitments I can't do it. I've never really been able to do it. I've just hopped along my whole life. I would say I have depression which rises and falls but it is always there and I'm pessimistic about life in general. I'm at home today and I should be at work but I've slept for the the majority of the day (since school drop off) and I feel guilty for missing work but I couldn't face it. My stomach is in knots I'm exhausted and I struggled to get dressed. I don't feel guilty enough to do anything about it and I worry that my mood is so dark that I'm doing things against my nature, if that even makes sense? I don't want to harm myself but I feel like I'm spiralling down and I can't stop myself. I feel sick, dizzy, tired, anxious, wobbly, angry, tearful all at once. I know that doesn't make sense but that's how I feel. I don't know how to stop this. Yes, I can go to gp but I'll get a prescription for a pill I won't remember to take or will take then stop - I go up and down you see. The downs are getting longer and the ups are very short. Not really sure what I'm looking for but I have had help on these boards years ago and I can't talk to anyone in real life as everyone is so busy and successful and functional that they probably wouldn't get it at all.

Oh no that sounds so confusing and miserable for you. Have you considered getting some tests done? A sort of general health check to maybe find the cause rather than just popping pills and treating the symptoms?

Thanks for replying @witheycat - what sort of tests? I've had my thyroid checked, bloods done etc all fine so it's definitely mental rather than physical I think. It's also long term and flairs up and down. I wish I could take a pill and function - even just to be able to hold down a job would be life-changing for me.

Hmm I'm not sure, maybe vitamins? Iron deficiency? Have you had a well woman test? I had a letter about one a few days ago, think it might be a good idea, might be worth checking what's around in your area?

I had my bloods done a few weeks ago and all clear there. Doctor thought I might be iron-deficient due to heavy prolonged bleeding and my meatless diet but no, I'm ok for iron. I'll ask about well-woman test though see if it happens in my area, thank you.

Read up on ADHD OP

I've asked about this but my doctor said I don't have enough symptoms to meet the criteria. It would explain my jobs, hobbies and interests changing and my difficulty in focusing. GP won't refer me though. I don't have the strength to fight him as I'm too busy just trying not to drown.

Have you seen a therapist? You may have been through something traumatic, and not even realise how much it affected you. Talking about it with a therapist can help you process the blocked emotions - this can help with subsequent emotional dysregulation you describe.

Did they also check your B12? Veggies and vegans are prone to deficiency of that too and just “normal, within range” is still sometimes very low.

I know you may not even want suggestions. Just to offload how you feel, but if there are some simple steps you can take to feel better then please do try them one at a time and see how you get on. I’ve felt like you often in my life. I have thyroid issues and B12 deficiency and when these are low it can affect everything, but most of all depression and anxiety. GPs aren’t the most clued up on things like this so I’ve had to join patient groups for the most useful advice. ‘Normal’ ranges for many things are woefully low in the UK.

What does your doctor say about the depression?
Have you tried anti depressants? Therapy?

I’m very much like you described,I’ve tried just about every anti depressant there is ,nothing worked..so I’m being assessed for autism and adhd ..I actually think I’ve got BPD as well ..
so you need a list of why you think you have autism ,adhd or whatever and go armed to a doctors appointment to fight for referral.
i appreciate you saying your far gone to fight I totally get that ..
Samantha Croft ,does a checklist for autism in women that is worth looking at ,if only to rule it out and say no I’ve not got that .
bipolar disorder ,borderline personality disorder, autism and adhd all present very similarly in women ,..some women end up with the wrong diagnosis because they present so similar,and it’s very possible to have more than one .
i spent a lot of time reading up on what I felt was wrong with me ,and what I struggled with ,and from there made notes for a chat with my doctor.
it’s very hard ,I do understand x

Sorry Samantha craft ,not Croft

I do think women are not taken seriously when presenting at the doctors as you described,for me ,I spent 30 years trying one medication after another ,and the only thing that made my doctor suggest assessment,was when he realised I had 2 children with diagnosis of autism ..even up to that point he referred me saying ,that’s it’s probably ocd .
so for me that’s 30 years being fobbed off and living half a life drowning in depression and anxiety.

I am exactly the same.

I have diagnosed BPD, depression and anxiety which is under control with meds and I'm still exactly like how you are describing. It's horrible.

I hope you get some answers ♥️

When people say BPD I don't know if that means bipolar disorder or borderline personal disorder - I'm not sure of the correct terms nowadays. I am quite bright in the sense that I was always top in every class and college course I was in and I find it utterly heartbreaking that I'm in the position now where I can barely function despite being of average/above average intelligence. I have contacted the doctor this afternoon but I'm expecting long delays and not holding out much hope I will truly be heard. I don't really have any faith in GP's any more. I just feel broken inside.

Sounds like ADHD to me. I'm similar and was diagnosed last year late 50s. Fuck me, the relief ... I'm not mad, lazy, broken ... I feel better with a good diet and zinc, magnesium and fish oil supplements but am waiting for hard core medication too.

If you can afford it - about £600 - get a private assessment.

Have a look on line TicTic YouTube, about adhd. Do some self assessment quiz things. The menopause is known to absolutely ramp up all symptoms so maybe there's that too?

psychiatry-uk.com/adhd-in-girls-and-women/

I've tried every single antidepressant there is. They do not work. And sometimes I'll forget to take them anyway. Off the top of my head I have had fluoxetine, escitolopram, lithium, amitriptyline - so many I could write a list. I think I've tried most of them in most varieties and none of them have ever made a single scrap of difference. I will go and remind myself of the ones I've had.

@SunshinePie very traumatic childhood lots of different therapy given both in childhood and adulthood. Nothing has actually helped unfortunately.

I cannot afford a private diagnosis due to my inability to hold a job - ironic.

Have you tried DBT?

All your symptoms are classic ADHD. Especially the one you mentioned just above.

I can completely relate to all of your symptoms. When I realised ADHD at 40 was probably my issue I went to see my Dr as well. I explained to her my symptoms and she said, well you don't sound like you've got ADHD but if you want me to refer you I will.

I wish I could make a complaint about her and tell her a big fu

I'm very grateful for all the suggestions here and I'm not being deliberately obtuse about any ideas.

I did have a very traumatic childhood but I don't think this is the root cause of my current problems at all as I'm NC with all people who caused pain and I surround myself with loving, caring and positive people nowadays. Also had lots of counseling as stated.

I have acknowledged the traumas I went through and I've not dwelled on them.

I don't mean to be blinkered about this but I do not think this is fallout from my childhood at all.

I feel like I cannot be stable for long and I do not have any addictions, any self harm history, any dependencies or anything. I just cannot consistently cope with every day.

@adhd

Sorry it glitched there.

I did go to gp regarding ADHD as I do think it's a concentration issue but as I could not get anyone to comment on my childhood presentation I think they put other symptoms down to depression etc. I have a very poor short term and long term memory and have a very long history of not seeing things through but again this was put down to mental health.

I am in the exact same situation and have consulted my doctor who has gave me an appointment to discuss adult autism. I feel like trying to pick yourself back up becomes harder each time. I'm sleepy constantly and down, and it's all an emotional roller coaster. I hope you seek out the help you need and please know you are not alone many of us are in the same position. Xxx