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Mental health

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Original poster

Parent suicide

73 replies

Lonleygal · 01/04/2022 16:45

What’s worse. Having a mum who’s always depressed, ruined her own life and now ruining her kids lives . Or that mum committing suicide so her kids might have a better chance at life . Kids ages 10,13,21,22. No dads involved in there lives . Sometimes I believe someone can mess up there life so bad there’s no turning back .

OP posts:

AgingBadly · 02/04/2022 09:09

Massive hugs OP!! If you're feeling super overwhelmed by the single parenting and think you might be better off ending it - have you thought about getting a break through social services (sorry, don't know what they're called as I don't live in the UK any more...) - to have a few weeks to yourself... to catch your breath...

Original poster

Lonleygal · 02/04/2022 10:53

Thanks for the messages today . I appreciate people taking time to reply. I try and sleep as much as possible so I don’t have to think about what I did but I usually dream about it and have nightmares. Looking after my kids now isn’t to hard as there older and more independent. Once I’ve made sure there fed and got a clean house and clean clothes they tend to just do there own thing . We’re going on holiday and I’m dreading having to put on a fake smile for 10 days while inside my heart is breaking. The holiday was booked months ago when I was in a better place mentally but I really went down hill after. Of course I don’t want to ruin for everyone else by being miserable so im going to try really hard to be fake happy. Really though I’m dreading it just want to curl up and go to sleep and not wake up .

OP posts:

roseopose · 02/04/2022 10:59

Growing up feeling like your parent couldn't be bothered to stay alive to watch you live your life is an absolutely gutting feeling. That might sound harsh but children and teenagers don't view things the same as adults. That's my experience anyway, and whilst I couldn't comment on if life would have been worse with my dad alive, it would have been nice to have had the opportunity to find out. My dad killed himself when I was 1 and I never knew him, like PP I have had horrible issues with attachment my entire life.

DropYourSword · 02/04/2022 11:06

A depressed mum can always have at least a chance of recovery.

A dead mum never ever can.

I don't think there's very much in this life that honestly absolutely can't be fixed or improved.

I don't think any mum committing suicide would ever benefit their young child, who would have to live with that for the rest of their lives.

purpleboy · 02/04/2022 11:13

My friends mum killed herself, my friend has never got over it, she feels like she wasn't enough, she has had years of therapy and has still never come to terms with it. It absolutely ruined her life. She dot married a couple of years ago and had kids and that made it even harder for her to understand what her mum had done. A couple of months ago her husband killed himself and she has now completely lost herself. I can't even being to tell you what she is feeling as it's too hard, she is trying to stay alive for her kids sake, but I don't know how much more she can take. It's absolutely heartbreaking to see.

No matter how low you feel, there is never a situation where killing your self will benefit your kids. Please remember that. You have to do everything in your power to stay here for your kids. Please don't give up.

Original poster

Lonleygal · 02/04/2022 11:55

@purpleboy

Oh gosh that has made me cry . Your poor friend and her kids 😔 I really hope she can get through that and find some kind of peace and happiness again. It’s so hard for people to understand if they have never felt suicidal I realise to other people it seems incredibly selfish . At my worst I was shaking , couldn’t eat, sleep, and when I did fall asleep was waking up and being sick , the nerves were so bad in my stomach I started to self harm to get some relief. The tablets I take now help with those physical symptoms but not the thoughts in my head . It’s like torture some days . But of course you are right I never want to hurt my kids it’s not there fault .

OP posts:

Chewbecca · 02/04/2022 11:59

We have had a family suicide too and the children have suffered terribly from it.
Your children certainly love you and need you.
Be kind to yourself and take teeny tiny steps but remember just being there for your children is a wonderful thing.

Arcadia · 02/04/2022 13:50

I've never judged or blamed my Dad for dying that way, as I know he was ill. People that say it's selfish don't understand how mental illness can distort your thinking. I now truly understand it having been to that place myself -thankfully relatively briefly - after having my child.

Fluffruff · 02/04/2022 13:55

I really hope you can find some help OP and feel better. My dearest mother in law’s father killed himself when she was a child and even now, some 70 yrs later, I still think she has moments of sadness thinking about it. It must be incredibly hard on children.

Andacherryonthetop · 02/04/2022 14:15

My dad killed himself when I was 22, my sister 13. Ruined our lives. Nothing can ever ever be better for us with him not being in our lives. He has missed so much. Weddings, grandchildren. We miss him everyday. Your children would always always choose you to be with them than without I can guarantee that x

Lovebroccoli · 02/04/2022 14:22

When you are feeling as low as you do at the moment, you're not thinking clearly. You are the only mum your children will ever have, and losing you could destroy them.
Please see your GP and tell him / her about your problems, there are medications that can help. They take time to work but stick with it and things will improve for you.

timestheyarechanging · 02/04/2022 18:04

I tried, twice and ended up in hospital then a mental unit. I honestly thought at the time that I was doing the best thing for my kids - then 18 and 12 as I thought I was screwing up their lives and would be better off gone.
I'm now better thankfully.

Original poster

Lonleygal · 02/04/2022 22:02

@timestheyarechanging
Yes that’s exactly how I felt . Like I’m ruining there lives. Can I ask did it help you going into hospital? I was hoping they would take me when I was at my worst but they didn’t . I know I need help but it’s hard to get any.

OP posts:

Notanotherusernamenow · 02/04/2022 22:15

Whatever you did, you can make up for what it was by looking after your children. Consider, perhaps, the burden of trying to live as your punishment for what you did. In other words, every time you paste a smile on and grit your teeth through (for eg) a holiday, do it in memory of whatever it was that you did and to make up for it, rather than compounding what you did by destroying your children’s lives. Don’t make one painful thing you did become the pain of each of your individual children.

Missyelliottsaysso · 02/04/2022 22:22

My mum's mum killed herself when my DM was 10 years old, she is now 80 and has never gotten over it. It effected all her relationships including those with her children.
Her mum had mental health issues at a time when it was not discussed and had tried to kill herself before. My mum, all these years later, just wishes her mum had the strength to stay alive for them and they could have taken care of her.
Please…these children love you and want you in their lives…take care of yourself and I hope you get the help and support you need.

Ilostit · 02/04/2022 22:26

Oh OP my Aunty killed herself. I can’t describe the devastation - her children - her mother - her siblings - us as her nephews and nieces. Please please it’s not the answer - I wish so very much we could turn back to time. I really just want you to reach out for support please. Suicide is not the answer I promise you.

Tainging99 · 02/04/2022 22:30

I find it hard hearing suicide described as ‘selfish’. Those suffering are not able to see things clearly.
However, keep holding on OP and getting support. I hope this period will improve for you soon . We have also been badly affected by suicide in our family

iknowthismuchis · 02/04/2022 22:51

Also know that sometimes depression can make you feel more guilty than you should about something. Sometimes we are much more willing to forgive others than we are ourselves. Sounds like you just made a mistake, we all do that, you're just human. It won't always hurt like it does now.

Original poster

Lonleygal · 03/04/2022 09:39

@Notanotherusernamenow
Thanks that’s actually really good advice . I will try and start thinking that to myself. Suicide was be an easy way out for myself but like you say pass the pain onto 4 others. If my kids are happy and do well with there lives I spose it makes up for my wrong doings abit .

OP posts:

Original poster

Lonleygal · 03/04/2022 09:46

@iknowthismuchis
Yes unfortunately the guilt causes my depression then when I’m depressed it makes it a hundred times worse . It’s not just one mistake I actually did it twice which makes it unforgivable ( to me) . I think about it all day every day . If I go a couple of minutes without thinking about it it’s good . That’s why I hate the thought it’s affecting my kids . As they say your past always comes back to haunt you. Mine certainly has .

OP posts:

oliviastwisted · 03/04/2022 09:49

Lonleygal I’ve been where you were. I genuinely reached a point where I felt I was doing so much damage to my kids that they would be better off without me. But being honest I had taken far too much responsibility for the clusterfuck that was going on around my kids that was not within my control. I’m not going to go into detail here but the clusterfuck had a lot of balls in the air that were completely beyond my control.

There is literally no way that you have complete responsibility for all of the stuff in you kids life that they are experiencing and literally all you can do is your best. Your kids lives would be absolutely decimated if they lost you. Nothing would affect them as profoundly.

Just from today on understand that you are not in control of all of the balls in the air of the clusterfuck that is your life and just do your best in the context you are living in and stop trying to fix the clusterfuck. Just do your best. I also found being really open to my kids experiences of their own lives and empowering them to deal with their own mini clusterfucks has turned things around completely.

Trippingslippingx1 · 03/04/2022 17:20

Two of my family members have committed suicide - my father has also been sectioned twice for being suicidal. The first time whilst I was driving to University.

It changes your entire life.

cha04 · 16/10/2024 19:26

How are you feeling nowadays x

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