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Original poster

Parent suicide

73 replies

Lonleygal · 01/04/2022 16:45

What’s worse. Having a mum who’s always depressed, ruined her own life and now ruining her kids lives . Or that mum committing suicide so her kids might have a better chance at life . Kids ages 10,13,21,22. No dads involved in there lives . Sometimes I believe someone can mess up there life so bad there’s no turning back .

OP posts:
Original poster
Lonleygal · 01/04/2022 18:40

@zippityzip

My dad killed himself when I was 10. It ruined my life. It's not something I've ever gotten over, skewed all my adult relationships and as a result I made terrible decisions. Abandonment issues, attention seeking, always known as the girl "who's dad killed him self".

His death absolutely did me no favours. He would have been better being here and being shit than doing what he did.

There's always a way back. Something to think about.

I’m so so sorry. My daughter is 10 now so your message has really got to me . Really made me think 😞
OP posts:
Branleuse · 01/04/2022 18:41

Sending you love @Lonleygal
You just have to keep going. By any means necessary. You have every right to be here in this world and I really hope brighter days are coming for you. Youve brought your beautiful children into the world so you have to see it through. Xx

Rrrob · 01/04/2022 18:41

I was you a few years ago. I knew how I would do it and genuinely believed life would be better without me in it.

Please seek help, your children would MUCH rather have you here than spend the rest of their lives without you. No matter what has happened, it’s never too late to rebuild.

WonderfulYou · 01/04/2022 18:43

Can you tell us what your life is like?

Do you work?

Do all of your children still live at home with you?

Depression is not something you can snap out of and you absolutely need to take your medication.
But some things that helped me - talking to someone like a therapist try and ask the gp for a session or two as it really does help (if not just keep coming on here), getting a PT job which meant I had a bit of purpose instead of just being a single parent, exercising and going for a walk outside everyday which definitely helps as it releases endorphins and makes you feel better about your body, writing down everything you are grateful for like your kids being healthy, having a house to live in, having nice hair etc and thinking about 1 small thing you want to change and try and work on that - it could be something small like painting your nails and exercising everyday, don’t put too much pressure on yourself and just do small things which will make you feel a tiny bit better.

Original poster
Lonleygal · 01/04/2022 19:16

@WonderfulYou

Can you tell us what your life is like?

Do you work?

Do all of your children still live at home with you?

Depression is not something you can snap out of and you absolutely need to take your medication.
But some things that helped me - talking to someone like a therapist try and ask the gp for a session or two as it really does help (if not just keep coming on here), getting a PT job which meant I had a bit of purpose instead of just being a single parent, exercising and going for a walk outside everyday which definitely helps as it releases endorphins and makes you feel better about your body, writing down everything you are grateful for like your kids being healthy, having a house to live in, having nice hair etc and thinking about 1 small thing you want to change and try and work on that - it could be something small like painting your nails and exercising everyday, don’t put too much pressure on yourself and just do small things which will make you feel a tiny bit better.

Yes of course . I haven’t worked for a while because of my health but would like to get work in a shop/supermarket. I live my 2 younger children and there fine and happy. I do struggle with the house with repairs / maintenance etc as don’t have anyone to help me. I’d say if it wasn’t for my depression life is actually better now than it has been for years . The problem is I did something really bad in my past that’s quite frankly unforgivable. Nobody else to blame - all my doing. Sometimes I get overcome with guilt and ‘wtf have I done ‘. I know everyone has regrets in there life but what I did was actually really really bad. If it wasn’t for my kids I would actually kill myself as I can’t live with what I’ve done. I’m literally just living now for my kids and like I said I’m so scared of ruining there lives to . So anyway I try and keep on top of the housework and make sure the kitchen and bathroom are always clean etc . I’m waiting for counselling from a couple of places . I try and go out two or 3 times a week for either appointments or walk to the shop and back . Like I said I have no friends so don’t go out socialising . I’ve been coming on mumsnet a lot lately looking for support . So yeah I really appreciate your message Thankyou x
OP posts:
Original poster
Lonleygal · 01/04/2022 19:19

Thankyou. I will definitely try to get through this. Your kind messages are really helping me

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nocoolnamesleft · 01/04/2022 19:29

To your children, you are their mum. The mum they know. The mum they love. The mum who is their security and stability. The mum they want. The mum they need. Don't listen to that bit of your mind saying that they would be better without you: it is a lie. It is a lie made by your illness, and your insecurity, and your guilt. You don't need to be a perfect mum. They don't want a perfect mum. They want, and need, you. Let your children be the anchor that secures you to this world. One foot in front of another, for their sake. And with time, and help, those steps will get gradually easier.

AutumnOrange · 01/04/2022 19:47

My mum killed herself when I was 16. My sister found her. Neither of us have ever properly recovered even nearly 30 years later. The repercussions of losing a parent to suicide are horrendous.
Keep going. Keep trying but do not pass that pain on to your children.
My mum’s suicide literally broke me and fucked me up.

VelvetThunder · 01/04/2022 19:48

My dad also committed suicide when I was 10. It's made such a big impact on mine and my siblings lives. It doesn't get easier, even though it was now 20 years ago. It is selfish. It passes on the pain to your children as someone else said.
I've had to have a sense of humour over the situation in order for others to feel less awkward about it too. Everyone finds it such a difficult topic. It's never the answer though.

WonderfulYou · 01/04/2022 20:39

It’s great to hear that life is better than it has been!!
That means your life is worth living and things are improving.

If you’re not ready for a job could you look into volunteering a couple hours a week?
Maybe at a rescue centre or at a local church or old people’s home.

I really think getting out and doing something worthwhile really helps take your mind off all of the stresses in life and helps to build your confidence.

It’s completely your choice but I do think it will help to get out what you did that was so terrible as often keeping it to yourself eats us up more than the actual act.
You don’t need to say on here, you can tell a therapist but it sounds like this is stopping you from being happy and I think it would be a good idea to try and move on from this.

Original poster
Lonleygal · 01/04/2022 21:08

Sorry to hear your messages of what you’ve been through. Depression is a terrible illness. Some days just getting out of bed is an achievement!

OP posts:
zippityzip · 01/04/2022 21:22

@Lonleygal The worst part - the amount of times I then contemplated it myself because it became a choice. I KNOW how you feel. But I also know the other side of it. Being a child of suicide.

I don't want to patronise you. But I also want you give you the reality check that actually - it doesn't actually get worse for your kids if you make that choice.

Whatever you're going through right now, you can bring it back. I promise you. One ounce of willing would repair a thousand sins.

DivaBeliever · 01/04/2022 21:28

I'm so sorry your pain puts you in a place to ask this question. My dear Dad took his own life ( I do not feel comfortable with the term "committed suicide" ; it harks back to a time when it was a criminal offence.)

What I would say is that I would have done ANYTHING to have kept my Dad in this world. But he didn't choose to tell me. I don't blame him because he was in a place of pain. And I am forever changed because of what he felt he needed to do.

If you can find a way to wake up tomorrow, do it. And then do it again. If you can't your babies will be forever changed.

My heart goes out to you ❤️

Branleuse · 01/04/2022 21:33

@lonleygal whatever you have done is done. Lots of us have done really bad things when we were young and stupid. The only forgiveness you need is to forgive yourself. Its easier said than done, but our mistakes are all lessons. You have suffered enough. You are a better person now. You are enough

winterchills · 01/04/2022 21:50

Please don't do this to your kids, you can get better with the right help.

Original poster
Lonleygal · 01/04/2022 22:47

[quote Branleuse]@lonleygal whatever you have done is done. Lots of us have done really bad things when we were young and stupid. The only forgiveness you need is to forgive yourself. Its easier said than done, but our mistakes are all lessons. You have suffered enough. You are a better person now. You are enough[/quote]
Thankyou . I wasn’t young I was in my 30’s 😮 I’m going to turn 40 next week so I think it’s really hit me what I did , I’d never behave like that now . I’ve really changed in the last 5 years but can’t seem to move past the guilt and depression.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lonleygal · 01/04/2022 22:48

@winterchills
Thankyou , I wouldn’t want to put them through that.

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Original poster
Lonleygal · 01/04/2022 22:51

@DivaBeliever
I’m really sorry to hear that . Your right it would break there little hearts . I just don’t want them to suffer because of my messed up life .

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colouringindoors · 01/04/2022 22:52

Suicide is worse. We've had it in our family and the fallout is horrific. Please stay 💐

NETSRIK · 01/04/2022 22:53

You won't feel it when you're in the depths of depression but you will be loved so much by people. Keep strong for them and you x

DivaBeliever · 01/04/2022 23:20

It's so kind of you to reply to me - thank you. You are anticipating a time when your babies might be relieved that you left them. You're rationalising this like you're sparing them. That's what the pain is telling you because it is sharp... and powerful...and LOUD

Don't listen

Know they will always want their Mumma here

With them

Believe me ❤️

MauvishMaude · 01/04/2022 23:35

FlowersCakeBrewFlowers

I hope you are starting to feel better for sharing how you feel? Life is tough. I bet you have done a whole lot better than you think.

Sadly lots of people are lonely, despite the campaigns etc to delay with it. Keep posting on Mumsnet. You will find your tribe of Mum's sooner or later. In the meantime, take some time to think of some positive things in your life. There are some! Four children... well done! Did you see the snow today? Or some unexpected blue sky. Clear night skies and the moon and stars?

Hold tight. Hold your kids tight. You can do this. Hopefully you will get the help you need soon, and you'll have that job etc etc. CakeBrewFlowers

saraclara · 02/04/2022 00:03

Anyone I know who has been bereaved by suicide has never really recovered from it.

That. Though I see that you've already taken in what people have said.

And to be honest, the fact that you've responded to people in the way you have, and that you've had space in your mind to empathise with the experience that other posters have had, is a REALLY good sign. It shows that you have the potential to get past this, and the self-awareness to know you can learn from others.

I really hope that you can get help, support and acceptance from the various organisations that exist to help people like you. You deserve it, as well as your children. There is light at the end of the tunnel, and your responses in this thread really show that. It's impressive that you've reacted as you have when you're in the depths.

AlexaShutUp · 02/04/2022 00:06

My mum went through periods of being extremely depressed when I was a kid. It was hard, but I am so thankful that she is still around. Suicide would have destroyed me.

Bumpsadaisie · 02/04/2022 08:55

You poor thing. You're not thinking straight if you think that your death could in any way be good for your children. You want the best for them but you're unwell right now and you are not thinking straight.

The suicide of your mum is just about the worst thing that can happen to a child.

I know people who have experienced this and they've been left with a lifetime of issues to try and deal with - the grief, deep anger, the shock but deep down a very deep shame and sense of worthlessness that they were not "enough" to keep their mum here that has taken years of working through.