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Mental health

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Original poster

Anxiety about Sharing hotel room with partners adult son

159 replies

Mslouisajellytots · 01/04/2022 12:14

I have suffered with my mental health for sometime, I have had support and have learnt ways to help me when it rears it’s ugly head, im not great with being confined to small spaces or in groups of people, I’ve had my moments, hate it when it gets the better of me. My partner knows all about it and I find he’s hit and miss with the understanding of it, if I’m around his family and I am feeling anxious due to a situation I find myself in, I have to keep it contained as my partners parents don’t understand mental health. I can’t say anything to explain as my partner says his mother doesn’t want to know and just wants me to get on and let them all enjoy they time together. I have found myself in some very uncomfortable situations and my anxiety has been through the roof, and my MIL is frosty with me, telling my partner she’s not happy I’m not involving myself more or I’m too quiet and I’m not talking to her enough and tells him she doesn’t want me spoiling her time away. My partner then tells me off and goes in a mood with me, and I feel so alone, willing for the anxiety of the situation plus the extra worry that I am now more obvious to people I’m struggling, although it’s more of a hindrance to his family.
Then recently she asked us and other family members to come along for a couple of days on a midweek break, she wanted to organise it and refused to let us pay, we don’t need her to pay but she’s insisting and my partner agreed. Then i hear my partners adult son is home from university and wants to come along, and I over hear my MIL telling my partner his son (21) will be staying in our room, I wait for my partner to say something but he doesn’t, afterwards I say to my partner I am uncomfortable with his son staying in the same room as well as I don’t feel it’s appropriate either, I say could we get another room and we pay, my partner refuses and says it should be ok, his son is not a stranger to me, i reiterate how uncomfortable I am having to share a room with him, he says he doesn’t want to mess his mother about, I said that I could sort it out, I message my MIL the following day, thanking her for the offer and explained how awkward it is for me sharing a room with my partners son, she ignores me and gets in touch with my partner and says I need to get over myself and sleep together in the room with my partners adult son or I am no longer welcome. She tells him I’ve upset her and she’s choked at my suggestion of getting another room. Now I feel I should have gone along with it and not said anything. People might say it’s ok not to go, but my partner wants me to still go and wants me to grovel and apologise to her for upsetting her, but that still means if I am allowed to go I will still be in the uncomfortable position. I would rather not go as due to my previous experience with his family, but I like to try. How can I repair this and still hold my head together, as if I have a bad spell I will get them mad because it will be deemed as spoiling there holiday, his parents are retired and go on 3-4 of these holidays a year.

OP posts:

Laptopsandmouses · 01/04/2022 12:17

I don’t understand why didn’t you jist book your own room and say to your husband him and his son could share?

beastlyslumber · 01/04/2022 12:20

Definitely do not go. Your partner and his family sound very abusive. No wonder you are struggling. It is very weird to share a room with an adult male you're not related to and both your partner and his son are weird to accept it too.

Let them go together, you stay home and start working out how you can get more support. Do you need to split from your partner? It sounds like it.

AnotherDelphinium · 01/04/2022 12:24

Nope, not weird at all.

I find sharing a family room with my partners young daughters a bit weird (they’re 4 & 6). No way on hell would I share with another man. Maybe my own brother or dad… but literally. No.

I’d think about going NC with his parents/mum. It’s obviously causing you great discomfort and to no real benefits?

NoSquirrels · 01/04/2022 12:25

People might say it’s ok not to go, but my partner wants me to still go and wants me to grovel and apologise to her for upsetting her, but that still means if I am allowed to go I will still be in the uncomfortable position. I would rather not go

You do not have to go.

You do not have to grovel or even apologise.

You can book your own room if you do want to go.

Your DP doesn’t sound understanding and your IL’s sound bloody awful.

Leah2005 · 01/04/2022 12:26

If you feel you still want to go, I would just book a single room for yourself and not say anything to any of them in advance. I would think your partner's son would find it weird himself. Or just not go and tell your partner his mum has upset you for not understanding that it's weird for you to be sharing a room with 2 blokes one of whom you are not currently sleeping with.

WeDontTalkAboutBrunoNoNoNo · 01/04/2022 12:27

Your partner and his family are compounding your mental health challenges

You would be far better off without this horrid bunch of people in your life full stop.

FlowerArranger · 01/04/2022 12:29

I’m sorry I haven’t read the entire post, but there is NO WAY on god’s earth that you should be expected to share ANY sleeping accommodation with ANY adult male who is not your significant other.

The whole idea is preposterous!!

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 01/04/2022 12:31

As with most of these threads, you have a DP problem. Ditch him (he doesn't sound like he cares for you anyways), and you get rid of the whole lot

RoundGlass · 01/04/2022 12:34

Your DP is an arsehole and doesn't support you.

Hallmark1234 · 01/04/2022 12:37

You felt the need to go into a long, long explanation of your MH struggles, anxiety etc and the background to the relationship with your partner's family, but if you'd just asked the question whether it's appropriate to share with his adult son, I don't think anyone would agree it was.

I'm not critising you at all, just trying to point out you felt the need to add in the background to justify how you feel. You don't need to. You are perfectly justified to refuse. I certainly wouldn't do this and MIL is being unreasonable. As hard as it might be for you, you need to refuse to share and either not go (if that's what you'd prefer), or book your own room. Sometimes you just have to take a deep breath and either say, or do things that might make you feel awkward, but need doing to stop those who are dominant from overriding your feelings. If you do this, they will realise they can't bully you into doing something you don't want to do. If you don't there will be more to come.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 01/04/2022 12:38

Your dp isn't dear. And he isn't your partner if he hasn't got your back op. I would seriously reconsider the relationship altogether.. Is this a family you can see yourself really being part of?

CurlyToStraight · 01/04/2022 12:40

Just book a room but don't say anything. It's not MIL's business where you stay if you are paying for it yourself! Does the son know he is supposed to be sharing with you? What does he think? If he says it is awkward too, surely MIL would realise what a silly idea it is. Your mental health issues are actually kind of irrelevant in this case, most women wouldn't want to share a bedroom with another man!

Hallmark1234 · 01/04/2022 12:45

Tbh I don't think MIL will care if you don't go, but partner will.

Please stick to your guns and have a nice relaxing time while they're away.

Sirzy · 01/04/2022 12:47

No way would I be going.

Has anyone asked the son if he is happy with the idea? I doubt many 21 year olds would be

Guiltypleasures001 · 01/04/2022 12:48

Your mental health may improve considerably if you just walk away from the lot of them

konasana · 01/04/2022 12:50

Just book yourself another room in the hotel and do not mention it to anyone. How is she even going to know where you sleep? You could even wait and tell your DP when you arrive, but ask him not to mention it to his mum as you know it would upset her. Do not ask anyone. Just tell your DP when you arrive.

Soontobe60 · 01/04/2022 12:51

They’re gaslighting you!
Not only would i refuse to share a room, id also refuse to go.

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 01/04/2022 12:53

I reckon your mental health will improve massively if you ditch this entire toxic family. None of them, inlcuding your 'D'P respects you.

AlisonDonut · 01/04/2022 12:53

I think your mental health might start to get alot better if you ditch this bloke to be honest. What is the relationship actually bringing you that is good?

MrsVeryTired · 01/04/2022 12:54

Definitely don't go, if you go with the current arrangement you will feel uncomfortable, if you book an extra room it sounds like they are going to be difficult about it.
Enjoy not going.
If you don't feel up to being honest and saying you can't go can you get sick on the day before? and oh what a shame! You don't and shouldn't have to do this but if it helps your anxiety.

Happy to send you some positive covid tests to use as "evidence"

pippinsleftleg · 01/04/2022 12:58

@BringBackCoffeeCreams

I reckon your mental health will improve massively if you ditch this entire toxic family. None of them, inlcuding your 'D'P respects you.

Totally agree with this and other similar comments.

Do you live together? Have children together?

roxisolerenshaw · 01/04/2022 13:08

When I go away with my son, who's in his early 20's, I book two hotel rooms as personal space is important. I should think your partners adult son will feel equally as uncomfortable at the thought of room sharing.

WhenDovesFly · 01/04/2022 13:15

@WeDontTalkAboutBrunoNoNoNo

Your partner and his family are compounding your mental health challenges

You would be far better off without this horrid bunch of people in your life full stop.

This!

What are the sleeping arrangements in the room? Is there space for a separate bed for an adult?

What are you getting from this relationship OP? Your DP doesn't care enough about you and put's his mother's feelings first. She's controlling and sounds awful. I think you'd find your MH would improve considerably if you weren't spending time with such insensitive and non-empathetic people.

Polly99 · 01/04/2022 13:18

OP, quite apart from any mental health issues you may have, you are entitled to have boundaries and any degree of privacy that you want. Your partner should understand that and support you. You should book your own room, not discuss that you are doing so with anyone or ask permission. Leave them to their sleepover and you do what works for you. If MIL is upset that you aren't sharing a room with your partner's son, really the question is why she is so keen for you to do something you are not comfortable with, and also why she thinks it is any of her business.

ThatsNotItAtAll · 01/04/2022 13:21

If you want to go book yourself a separate room now - just book it now, no need to involve anyone else. Your "partner" can choose whether to share with you or his adult son... Tbh he doesn't sound like much of a partner. Definitely a "partner" in inverted commas.

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