Anxiety about Sharing hotel room with partners adult son

[Mslouisajellytots]

I have suffered with my mental health for sometime, I have had support and have learnt ways to help me when it rears it’s ugly head, im not great with being confined to small spaces or in groups of people, I’ve had my moments, hate it when it gets the better of me. My partner knows all about it and I find he’s hit and miss with the understanding of it, if I’m around his family and I am feeling anxious due to a situation I find myself in, I have to keep it contained as my partners parents don’t understand mental health. I can’t say anything to explain as my partner says his mother doesn’t want to know and just wants me to get on and let them all enjoy they time together. I have found myself in some very uncomfortable situations and my anxiety has been through the roof, and my MIL is frosty with me, telling my partner she’s not happy I’m not involving myself more or I’m too quiet and I’m not talking to her enough and tells him she doesn’t want me spoiling her time away. My partner then tells me off and goes in a mood with me, and I feel so alone, willing for the anxiety of the situation plus the extra worry that I am now more obvious to people I’m struggling, although it’s more of a hindrance to his family.
Then recently she asked us and other family members to come along for a couple of days on a midweek break, she wanted to organise it and refused to let us pay, we don’t need her to pay but she’s insisting and my partner agreed. Then i hear my partners adult son is home from university and wants to come along, and I over hear my MIL telling my partner his son (21) will be staying in our room, I wait for my partner to say something but he doesn’t, afterwards I say to my partner I am uncomfortable with his son staying in the same room as well as I don’t feel it’s appropriate either, I say could we get another room and we pay, my partner refuses and says it should be ok, his son is not a stranger to me, i reiterate how uncomfortable I am having to share a room with him, he says he doesn’t want to mess his mother about, I said that I could sort it out, I message my MIL the following day, thanking her for the offer and explained how awkward it is for me sharing a room with my partners son, she ignores me and gets in touch with my partner and says I need to get over myself and sleep together in the room with my partners adult son or I am no longer welcome. She tells him I’ve upset her and she’s choked at my suggestion of getting another room. Now I feel I should have gone along with it and not said anything. People might say it’s ok not to go, but my partner wants me to still go and wants me to grovel and apologise to her for upsetting her, but that still means if I am allowed to go I will still be in the uncomfortable position. I would rather not go as due to my previous experience with his family, but I like to try. How can I repair this and still hold my head together, as if I have a bad spell I will get them mad because it will be deemed as spoiling there holiday, his parents are retired and go on 3-4 of these holidays a year.

I'm surprised the 21yr old hasn't booked his own room. I would just book another room to myself and let them share I'd that's what they really want to do.

@TabithaTittlemouse

Why does he and his family get to call all of the shots? Why do they get to make you unhappy?

he said I am not worth marrying until I accept things like this with his family, he even said he might have to leave me as his mother was so upset with my suggestion of another room

He’s a nasty manipulative little man.

Do you have any friends or family of your own op?

Quite. If someone ever used the words 'not worth marrying' on me, I'd be gone.

If your partner does not put YOU first he is not worth being with.
Does his son have disabilities? He is 21, an adult, has anyone asked him if he wants to share a room with you two?
I am sorry but the whole setup sounds awful.
You are wasting your life with someone who simply railroads you into things you simply dont want to do.
I know its scary, contemplating being on your own. But you will flourish away from this poisonous family. You are much braver than you can even imagine.
And you deserve better, respect, choice and freedom to be you.

I have a brother and sister, my sister my DP always speaks negative of her as she's always been there for me if I need her, he hates that! My DP says I'm jealous of his family closeness as I never had a loving family growing up, It would suffocate me to be the way he is with his family!

I adore my sibling, we are a family who are not in each other's pockets, but always there if we need one another.

My DP is one of those who rings you till you answer and when you do answer he has a go at you for not answering sooner, spends more time kicking off at you than for the reason why he rang, which would be something like, have you seen my coat ???

@Bonbon21

If your partner does not put YOU first he is not worth being with. Does his son have disabilities? He is 21, an adult, has anyone asked him if he wants to share a room with you two? I am sorry but the whole setup sounds awful. You are wasting your life with someone who simply railroads you into things you simply dont want to do. I know its scary, contemplating being on your own. But you will flourish away from this poisonous family. You are much braver than you can even imagine. And you deserve better, respect, choice and freedom to be you.

His son is very clever, no disabilities, in his last year at university, and I doubt it if anyone has asked him.

There is more than one type of loving family unit. I'd rather have one of your sister than a dozen of his mothers! It just sounds like another stick he uses to beat and diminish you with. You don't even sound like you like him much yourself...

[quote ChoiceMummy]@Mslouisajellytots
As I said there are obviously lots of things going on that need addressing. But I still don't see sharing the same sleeping roomwith family that big a deal. And it does feel like you and your inlaws have now made this into even a bigger issue!

You do not like the inlaws. They think your issues are ott and impact others. Your oh agrees. So like I said far bigger issues on the go....[/quote]
Not wanting to share a small sleeping space with an adult male who is not your sexual partner is not odd, stepson or not. Nothing to do with liking them or being a decent stepmother. I have lived with my 20 year old stepson full time since he was a toddler and neither of us would want to share a bedroom if there were any other option. It’s meant to be a holiday not some emergency housing situation.

Your DP does not sound very nice.

At times I don't like him, I know he takes his frustrations out on me and I try to be supportive of his reasons why he's so cross, it's exhausting, I just don't know what the next thing he's going to get at me for, so when I'm constantly apprehensive, it's hard to relax, and having this situation with his mother has just added further stress.
Thank you for all your advice, I feel better having heard others opinions x

Your DPs family sounds codependent and not healthy at all and the more your write the more abusive your DP sounds.

It is not ok to take our your daily frustrations on the people who love you.

You don't have to live like this you know.

@Mslouisajellytots

At times I don't like him, I know he takes his frustrations out on me and I try to be supportive of his reasons why he's so cross, it's exhausting, I just don't know what the next thing he's going to get at me for, so when I'm constantly apprehensive, it's hard to relax, and having this situation with his mother has just added further stress. Thank you for all your advice, I feel better having heard others opinions x

At the end of the day, oh and his family are quite happy with their circumstances. You're not.

So you only have 2 choices. Put up and shut up or get out.

There's value in posting etc, but o ly you have the ability to change the status quo.

No no no no no no and no
Adult son needs his space and I doubt he wants to share with you 2 either
Speak up

I am having a nightmare with DP, all week he's being cold again, saying we need to talk but then when we talk ( he talks at me) hes back on I should be going along and not making a fuss over the sleeping arrangements, even though I say every time now that Im not sharing with his son.
He says there will be no repercussions if I don't go...but it will mean he won't be making an effort to include me with his kids or family things going forward!

We can be talking for ages about the same thing, it's exhausting, but as I am not changing my mind he keeps on at me, talks disrespectful about my family as we don't live in each other's pockets he says I've not got a loving family.

He said his chest was hurting one night so I said let just relax but he wants to go over it again and again, at one point I was driving back from somewhere and he was screaming at me in the car, I feel like my heart was going to burst and my head blow up, I had to stop the car and tell him to get out, I couldn't take it, I feel like my nerves are on the edge, he got home an hour later and of course was furious at what I had done and said how heartless I am, and I should have been thinking about him and his chest hurting, i should have but I just couldn't take him screaming at me anymore, I've seen him like this and have been on the end of a slap in the face or punch in the head, so I'm always wary of his temper.

Hes still planning his time without me, his son is home and he's staying at ours the full weekend, he called me to tell me his plans with his son and daughter all weekend, saying there's no room in the car for me as his daughter is bringing her bf.

I'm tiptoeing with him as I can't stand another argument, I was hoping he would eventually drop it, but it seems he's adamant him and his mother are right in their view that it's fine for me to be in the room with his son.

He reiterated I'm not normal and tell me again it's not our holiday, it's his parents and we should be glad they offered to pay

Abuse while driving is very dangerous op
.
Time to call it a day imo.
My exh used to wait until I was trapped in his car and get abusive. Once got out whilst it was moving and refused ever to get back in.
Then I made plans to leave.
Leave op. Before he kills you. And makes it your fault.

Why are you still with him?
Haven’t you had enough yet?

@Mslouisajellytots

I am having a nightmare with DP, all week he's being cold again, saying we need to talk but then when we talk ( he talks at me) hes back on I should be going along and not making a fuss over the sleeping arrangements, even though I say every time now that Im not sharing with his son. He says there will be no repercussions if I don't go...but it will mean he won't be making an effort to include me with his kids or family things going forward!

We can be talking for ages about the same thing, it's exhausting, but as I am not changing my mind he keeps on at me, talks disrespectful about my family as we don't live in each other's pockets he says I've not got a loving family.

He said his chest was hurting one night so I said let just relax but he wants to go over it again and again, at one point I was driving back from somewhere and he was screaming at me in the car, I feel like my heart was going to burst and my head blow up, I had to stop the car and tell him to get out, I couldn't take it, I feel like my nerves are on the edge, he got home an hour later and of course was furious at what I had done and said how heartless I am, and I should have been thinking about him and his chest hurting, i should have but I just couldn't take him screaming at me anymore, I've seen him like this and have been on the end of a slap in the face or punch in the head, so I'm always wary of his temper.

Hes still planning his time without me, his son is home and he's staying at ours the full weekend, he called me to tell me his plans with his son and daughter all weekend, saying there's no room in the car for me as his daughter is bringing her bf.

I'm tiptoeing with him as I can't stand another argument, I was hoping he would eventually drop it, but it seems he's adamant him and his mother are right in their view that it's fine for me to be in the room with his son.

He reiterated I'm not normal and tell me again it's not our holiday, it's his parents and we should be glad they offered to pay

He is truly dreadful in so many ways. Even the sleeping arrangements aside, he's physically assaulting you and abusing you in so many other ways.

Please save yourself and try to leave. You deserve so much more than this arsehole.

The family sound quite bullying, and your DP isn't supporting you.

There's no way you should be expected to share a bedroom with an adult male who isn't your partner. No-one can ensure that's safe for you never mind how bloody awkward and anxiety-inducing that would be.

It sounds like your DP is afraid of standing up to his mum and unwilling to put you first.

Does he have any nice qualities? He’s physically and emotionally abusive towards you.

What do you need to leave your abuser?

Just read all of your updates. I'm so sorry - he and his mum sound truly horrible.

You should start planning to leave... you can be happier

@TabithaTittlemouse

Does he have any nice qualities? He’s physically and emotionally abusive towards you.

He is very charming if you was to meet him, would go out his way for people, doing favours, he drops everything for his kids, has always been there for them, financially looks after them, still his son too whose in the last year of university at 21, I do get to see the nice side of him, he can buy me chocolate etc sometimes, he said he's going to help pay my operation off with me, which was £8500, he's given me £300 so far, so he can be generous too, he can love bomb me at times.

I don't know what it will take, I feel so deflated, where the spirt comes from to stand up for myself has always been a struggle for myself

So he buys affection?

@TabithaTittlemouse

So he buys affection?

That's how his parents are too, pay for things when I've certainly not asked, and it feels uncomfortable when they do it as it can be for everyone there, like 10 people, and I can buy my own food and drinks, I'm not hard up, it's like we are a class full of 5 year olds! And his mother is the teacher looking after us all, it's very odd at times.