Anxiety about Sharing hotel room with partners adult son

[Mslouisajellytots]

I have suffered with my mental health for sometime, I have had support and have learnt ways to help me when it rears it’s ugly head, im not great with being confined to small spaces or in groups of people, I’ve had my moments, hate it when it gets the better of me. My partner knows all about it and I find he’s hit and miss with the understanding of it, if I’m around his family and I am feeling anxious due to a situation I find myself in, I have to keep it contained as my partners parents don’t understand mental health. I can’t say anything to explain as my partner says his mother doesn’t want to know and just wants me to get on and let them all enjoy they time together. I have found myself in some very uncomfortable situations and my anxiety has been through the roof, and my MIL is frosty with me, telling my partner she’s not happy I’m not involving myself more or I’m too quiet and I’m not talking to her enough and tells him she doesn’t want me spoiling her time away. My partner then tells me off and goes in a mood with me, and I feel so alone, willing for the anxiety of the situation plus the extra worry that I am now more obvious to people I’m struggling, although it’s more of a hindrance to his family.
Then recently she asked us and other family members to come along for a couple of days on a midweek break, she wanted to organise it and refused to let us pay, we don’t need her to pay but she’s insisting and my partner agreed. Then i hear my partners adult son is home from university and wants to come along, and I over hear my MIL telling my partner his son (21) will be staying in our room, I wait for my partner to say something but he doesn’t, afterwards I say to my partner I am uncomfortable with his son staying in the same room as well as I don’t feel it’s appropriate either, I say could we get another room and we pay, my partner refuses and says it should be ok, his son is not a stranger to me, i reiterate how uncomfortable I am having to share a room with him, he says he doesn’t want to mess his mother about, I said that I could sort it out, I message my MIL the following day, thanking her for the offer and explained how awkward it is for me sharing a room with my partners son, she ignores me and gets in touch with my partner and says I need to get over myself and sleep together in the room with my partners adult son or I am no longer welcome. She tells him I’ve upset her and she’s choked at my suggestion of getting another room. Now I feel I should have gone along with it and not said anything. People might say it’s ok not to go, but my partner wants me to still go and wants me to grovel and apologise to her for upsetting her, but that still means if I am allowed to go I will still be in the uncomfortable position. I would rather not go as due to my previous experience with his family, but I like to try. How can I repair this and still hold my head together, as if I have a bad spell I will get them mad because it will be deemed as spoiling there holiday, his parents are retired and go on 3-4 of these holidays a year.

You have attempted to put a boundary in place (booking your own room) and they are trampling all over it! Your 'd'p is minimising your obvious distress. His mum is suggesting the problem is with you. It is not!

Do not go away with these people as they don't have your interests at heart; and have a serious think about whether your partner is able to give you the support and respect you deserve.

And

Walk away from all of them. They don't give a damn about you.

They sound awful. How long have you been with your partner? I really can’t imagine being with someone so unsupportive is helping your mental health at all. Please talk to someone in real life about all this who knows him and get their take?

You've got to start standing up for yourself op. I say this gently, but you do have to take some responsibility for how you allow other people to treat you. I'd be telling each and every one of them, including your "partner", to fuck off. Your mental health will improve immensely if you get rid of this useless man.

You are a grown woman and do need the dictator, that is your mother in law, to tell you what you can and can’t do. How dare she and how dare your husband treat you in this awful way. I personally wouldn’t go - how can enjoy your self with people who behave this way.

Tell his mother outright that it is your holiday too and your stepson sharing your room is interfering with your plans to fuck your husband through the mattress.

She should have a fit of the vapours and pass out, leaving her bed free and you in peace and quiet.

Honestly though, I don't know why you are putting up with this shit. Maybe look into some counselling as I have become much more assertive since starting it. I won't take anywhere near the amount of bullshit I used to.

YANBU
Do you really want to go away for a few days with people that treat you like this? Spending just the day with MIL being rude to, and about you, seems beyond the call of duty to me. Your 'partner' seems too complicit in it as well.
You need to stand firm and remember at all times that their views and their wants and needs do not trump yours. Yours are equally valid, and you shouldn't be coerced into doing anything you don't want to do. Just say No. Loudly and firmly.
Having said that, sometimes a bit of compromise is necessary, but not to the extent that it causes you huge anxiety.

I agree with most
Pay for the room yourself and see if the son would prefer a room alone!

What 21yr old would wanna share a room with their dad and missus? Just a very odd situation

I mean. I’ve shared with my teenage nephews many times, but we’ve known them since they were babies so it’s not weird at all.

The bottom line is if you’re not comfortable then don’t do it, and your mother in law in particular sounds hellish.

I agree with the others, the biggest issue here is that your DH does not support you, allows his mother to bully you and then expects you to grovel to her. It's not on at all.

Your MIL needs to learn a thing or two about etticate because what she is expecting of you is out of order, and she needs to stop controlling the situation because she is causing it to curdle into a monster which would cause soneone with out MH issues a MH issue.

Your partner needs to grow a spine and support you with this.

They're being bloody ridiculous and very cruel. Anxiety or not, I don't know many women who would want to share a room with their adult stepson . I think she's done this on purpose to be nasty and your husband is just as bad.

That is the best suggestion yet @Notanotherwindow

She insists on paying so that she has some control over you all.

It is well-timed that your new counsellor indicated you would benefit from time alone to think through matters that are currently concerning you. He did say that, didn't he? Best say "he", there is a certain type of dingbat that only respects what men say. Anyways, you can't go and you won't go to share a room to please this worrying-sounding woman. Why the hell should you.

You are being seriously messed about here. Horrible for you.

I reckon if you book another room it will still be unpleasant for you as they sound like arseholes.
I’d fake a covid test, easily done

@Hallmark1234

You felt the need to go into a long, long explanation of your MH struggles, anxiety etc and the background to the relationship with your partner's family, but if you'd just asked the question whether it's appropriate to share with his adult son, I don't think anyone would agree it was.

I'm not critising you at all, just trying to point out you felt the need to add in the background to justify how you feel. You don't need to. You are perfectly justified to refuse. I certainly wouldn't do this and MIL is being unreasonable. As hard as it might be for you, you need to refuse to share and either not go (if that's what you'd prefer), or book your own room. Sometimes you just have to take a deep breath and either say, or do things that might make you feel awkward, but need doing to stop those who are dominant from overriding your feelings. If you do this, they will realise they can't bully you into doing something you don't want to do. If you don't there will be more to come.

Agree totally. These people think very little of you. If you don't tell them NO directly, it will continue. But it sounds like you are still trying to convince yourself.

There is no way I would be accepting this or staying quiet about it. They all need to know what your boundaries are. If they don't respect them, then you need to decide what your next move is.

People who value you do not behave like this.

Thank you all for helping me here, I felt like I was some uptight person as my partner said he's asked peoples opinion and they think I am being selfish, which is why I wrote on here, I did book a single room and told my partner as said his mother would not know as we are all going off to our own rooms, so she doesn't need to know, he sternly told me to cancel it immediately and said if his mother knew she would flip out and loose her head! His 16yo daughter is also going, so it would be the 4 of us with a double bed and 2 put me up beds in the room! I'm not close to his son, so dare not ask him how he feels in case I get jumped on further, he usually does as he's told by my partners parents, I am told I am the awkward one not going with the flow, and said if I got another room nobody would talk to me. We have lived together for 10 years, have children together as my partner had the snip, he's actually still married to the children mother, he said I am not worth marrying until I accept things like this with his family, he even said he might have to leave me as his mother was so upset with my suggestion of another room.

No children together

Oh love he sounds really awful and so does his mother.
I think your MH would improve an awful lot if you managed to escape them.
Do you feel you could?

He is abusive and vile and so are his family. You need to get out of this relationship asap.

@FlowerArranger

I’m sorry I haven’t read the entire post, but there is NO WAY on god’s earth that you should be expected to share ANY sleeping accommodation with ANY adult male who is not your significant other.

The whole idea is preposterous!!

This, I wouldn’t even share with my own adult sons - stopped that when they got to puberty. It’s hugely inappropriate Have you asked the son

1. Does his adult son want to share a room with you- I’d be a bit surprised by a yes
2. Would the biological mother of the son be ok in sharing a room with her own son

If answer to either is no, then they are bullying and gaslighting you.

@Mslouisajellytots

Thank you all for helping me here, I felt like I was some uptight person as my partner said he's asked peoples opinion and they think I am being selfish, which is why I wrote on here, I did book a single room and told my partner as said his mother would not know as we are all going off to our own rooms, so she doesn't need to know, he sternly told me to cancel it immediately and said if his mother knew she would flip out and loose her head! His 16yo daughter is also going, so it would be the 4 of us with a double bed and 2 put me up beds in the room! I'm not close to his son, so dare not ask him how he feels in case I get jumped on further, he usually does as he's told by my partners parents, I am told I am the awkward one not going with the flow, and said if I got another room nobody would talk to me. We have lived together for 10 years, have children together as my partner had the snip, he's actually still married to the children mother, he said I am not worth marrying until I accept things like this with his family, he even said he might have to leave me as his mother was so upset with my suggestion of another room.

Leave him first. Don't wait for him to leave you, or threaten to whilst staying with you and treating you Luke shit. He's a prick and so is his mother.

My partners says his children are fine with it, but I've not ask them, he was so upset with me that he told his daughter not to bother getting me anything for Mother's Day, she does as she's told by her dad, needless to say I got no card from his son either, not even a message, for years I've helped put a roof over they head, they have they own rooms at ours. I would have loved to have had a good relationship with his ex, but she took years to move on, she had relationships but she would still get cross if she saw me, one time she punched me in the face whilst I was sat in a car whilst my partner dropped something off, they had been over for 5 years at this point, my partner said he would never forgive me if I got her arrested for assault. So I doubt she would help my situation.

She has used his children against him previously, so he was concerned she would stop them seeing him if I reported her to the police, he said it would be my fault if that happened.

She punched you in the face !!! Op please get yourself out of this situation and into therapy to find out why you accept this treatment.