Anxiety about Sharing hotel room with partners adult son

[Mslouisajellytots]

I have suffered with my mental health for sometime, I have had support and have learnt ways to help me when it rears it’s ugly head, im not great with being confined to small spaces or in groups of people, I’ve had my moments, hate it when it gets the better of me. My partner knows all about it and I find he’s hit and miss with the understanding of it, if I’m around his family and I am feeling anxious due to a situation I find myself in, I have to keep it contained as my partners parents don’t understand mental health. I can’t say anything to explain as my partner says his mother doesn’t want to know and just wants me to get on and let them all enjoy they time together. I have found myself in some very uncomfortable situations and my anxiety has been through the roof, and my MIL is frosty with me, telling my partner she’s not happy I’m not involving myself more or I’m too quiet and I’m not talking to her enough and tells him she doesn’t want me spoiling her time away. My partner then tells me off and goes in a mood with me, and I feel so alone, willing for the anxiety of the situation plus the extra worry that I am now more obvious to people I’m struggling, although it’s more of a hindrance to his family.
Then recently she asked us and other family members to come along for a couple of days on a midweek break, she wanted to organise it and refused to let us pay, we don’t need her to pay but she’s insisting and my partner agreed. Then i hear my partners adult son is home from university and wants to come along, and I over hear my MIL telling my partner his son (21) will be staying in our room, I wait for my partner to say something but he doesn’t, afterwards I say to my partner I am uncomfortable with his son staying in the same room as well as I don’t feel it’s appropriate either, I say could we get another room and we pay, my partner refuses and says it should be ok, his son is not a stranger to me, i reiterate how uncomfortable I am having to share a room with him, he says he doesn’t want to mess his mother about, I said that I could sort it out, I message my MIL the following day, thanking her for the offer and explained how awkward it is for me sharing a room with my partners son, she ignores me and gets in touch with my partner and says I need to get over myself and sleep together in the room with my partners adult son or I am no longer welcome. She tells him I’ve upset her and she’s choked at my suggestion of getting another room. Now I feel I should have gone along with it and not said anything. People might say it’s ok not to go, but my partner wants me to still go and wants me to grovel and apologise to her for upsetting her, but that still means if I am allowed to go I will still be in the uncomfortable position. I would rather not go as due to my previous experience with his family, but I like to try. How can I repair this and still hold my head together, as if I have a bad spell I will get them mad because it will be deemed as spoiling there holiday, his parents are retired and go on 3-4 of these holidays a year.

@Guiltypleasures001

Your mental health may improve considerably if you just walk away from the lot of them

Exactly this. They'll improve even faster if you run.

They're all batshit.
No way on gods green earth would I be sharing a room with an adult stepson. That's so weird.

Just book your own room or it they say you can't go, they fine don't go. You can relax and have a lovely weekend without those dreadful people around you.

I don't think they are helping your anxiety, in fact they are going some way to contributing towards it. You need to be assertive here. Stop letting them dictate to you.

Your partner sounds totally vile. I'd leave him at the first opportunity.

Just a query OP - how long have you had mental health issues, and how long have you been with this man?

What the hell did I just read
Get the heck away from these people. Your partner is letting everyone abuse you and he's a shit too.

You don't have to live like this. Run away fast

We have no children together.
We have a joint mortgage, equal partners.

I have not grovelled to her or made any steps to apologise to her for saying I am uncomfortable with the plans on the room sharing.
My partner since has been cold towards me, saying he's not planning anything with me anymore as I don't join in the spirit of things!he's arranged to do things this weekend without me. I don't have any issues with doing our own thing, but know my partner doesn't like it if I was to arrange things at the weekend without him.

My brain is frazzled at trying to keep up, but feel he is being like this with me because it's still up in the air, trip away with his parents is not for a couple of months, I know he will be worried about how's it going to work now with his mother not being happy with me, he won't upset his mother as he has always pacified her, they talk everyday on FaceTime, multiple times about anything and everything, and he would tell me she's the most loveliest genuine kindest person he knows, my experience, if you don't do as you are told she will make you pay for it!

This is crazy, I love my son unconditionally, he's currently snuggled up to me snoring because the cat ran riot and woke us all up at 4:30, and this was the quickest way to get him back to sleep, he's 3. I wouldn't expect nor want to share a room with him on holiday at 21 and having been 21 wouldn't expect him to feel comfortable sharing with his parents at that age, let alone a parent and their partner (no offence to you, you might get on brilliantly but it's still another layer to it). In an emergency situation where necessary of course it would be fine, but that's not a holiday!
MIL bullies your partner and he bullies you, I'd be looking to get out tbh.

What do you get out of this relationship?

You appear to be official whipping boy for your ‘partner’ and his mother.

LTB.

Start extricating yourself from this horrible relationship, refuse to go on this holiday and make plans to leave this dickhead.

He sounds horrible, and his family sound awful. And I cannot imagine anyone wanting to room share with their boyfriend and adult offspring!

It's a stupid idea and your not you being awkward at all and It seems as if one of the adult kids had requested a separate room for same reasons it wouldn't have caused an issue, but is just another stick to beat you with.

I'm not surprised your struggling with MH and anxiety having to walk on eggshells constantly to avoid upsetting anyone and worrying if you don't fall in line or behave how they wish you'll be punished, just as your DP is giving you the cold shoulder now.
He seems a terrible partner, it's not even just him being weak to a overbearing parent as he doesn't seem to care about your feelings at all, everybody else even the ex is more important. I hope you find the strength to move on from this relationship as you deserve to be treated so much better.

They are all being so disrespectful of your very normal boundary of not wanting to share a hotel room with your adult SS. I have shared a hotel room with my own parents as a mid-twenties adult and I found that awkward enough!
Having your feelings invalidated like that constantly must be very wearing.
I think they are being totally ridiculous and I don’t understand why sharing a room with your adult SC is considered an essential part of this family holiday. Some people are weird. It’s not fair to except you to conform to their weirdness when it makes you uncomfortable and you’re willing to sort out a simple solution yourself (book an extra room).

You poor thing
I think a lot of people's anxiety's would vanish (me included) if stronger boundaries were in place.
Some people - extroverts like crowds and thrive in them.
Other people like quiet time - reading, gardening , alone time and thrive doing that.
Ambivert are in the middle (that's me)
But I pick and choose when I want company and when I want solitude
It's my choice - otherwise i burnout and then I'm no good to anyone.
It's self preservation.
Op you deserve to feel good you're worth it.
Your dp is being disrespectful

Just echoing what everyone else is saying. The problem is your partner and his family, not you. It sounds like you bend over backwards to be accommodating yet no one makes any allowances or has any consideration for you.

How old are you, OP? Hope that's not a rude question. I just wondered if you'd ever wanted children of your own, or if you've had to compromise your wishes on account of your husband having had a vasectomy.

@Thewheelsfalloffthebus

They are all being so disrespectful of your very normal boundary of not wanting to share a hotel room with your adult SS. I have shared a hotel room with my own parents as a mid-twenties adult and I found that awkward enough! Having your feelings invalidated like that constantly must be very wearing. I think they are being totally ridiculous and I don’t understand why sharing a room with your adult SC is considered an essential part of this family holiday. Some people are weird. It’s not fair to except you to conform to their weirdness when it makes you uncomfortable and you’re willing to sort out a simple solution yourself (book an extra room).

I also think that if the adult son suggested this, it wouldn't have been an issue, as they pander around him already, both his dad and his Nanna!

Absolutely do not go nada no way. Nobody should be expected to do something they are not comfortable with. You tell your dp you are not going and hopefully you will not be asked again.

@3leafclover

Just echoing what everyone else is saying. The problem is your partner and his family, not you. It sounds like you bend over backwards to be accommodating yet no one makes any allowances or has any consideration for you.

How old are you, OP? Hope that's not a rude question. I just wondered if you'd ever wanted children of your own, or if you've had to compromise your wishes on account of your husband having had a vasectomy.

Mid 40's - I did want to have children, and initially when I met my partner he said never say never, so I invested my life and it's never happened, his ex did get upset at him when I was with him after a couple of years as she heard he got someone pregnant, she called up in the middle of the night really upset about it, inconsolable that he could do this to her! She was crying and screaming down the phone asking to speak to me too, he was trying to calm her down and denying it, then he visited her the next day to smooth it over! Found that whole situation bizarre as I was the one with him, so if he had got someone pregnant (had the snip though whilst with his ex) that means he's cheated on me and I should be the one devastated! I wasn't even thought about! Never forget that!

Oh I'm sorry to hear that. It sounds like you've given a lot of good years to this man (and his family) and yet you haven't been cherished.

I really think it's time to rethink your whole future, scary though that sounds.

He doesn't sound like the right fit for you at all. And his mother is not a lovely, kind, genuine person, whatever he says.

Good luck

OMG please help, I don't know what to say to him, partner has brought it up again this morning, saying he's worried about where our relationship is going because I am not accepting his family WTF - I said its holiday situation nothing to do with accepting his family, the sharing of the room with his adult son I am not comfortable, he's confusing me saying I should just be accepting the free stay at the hotel that his parents are giving and I shouldn't be making a fuss about sleeping in a room with his son as I've known him a long time. I said that's not the point, I repeat how uncomfortable I am with sharing with him and asked him to not invalidate my feelings, he said he understands my feelings and he knows I have "problems" and "issues" and I am just thinking of myself and not the fact his parents are paying for the hotel out of the goodness of their heart.
I said why can't we just pay for another room for his son, it's wouldn't be expensive, he said that his mother doesn't want to put the hotel out, taking another room for two nights midweek would stop them from getting people in it the other days in the week! - I said but we have a family room and another 2 double rooms for other members of the family for 2 nights midweek, so we are doing that already, and why is she more concerned with how the hotel booking schedule is then about how uncomfortable it is for me to share a room with his son! He couldn't answer this just kept saying I am thinking about myself and not about what his family are doing for us! - I am loosing my mind with this

I would be black and white about with him. Give him a clear choice that he either books the extra room or you won’t be going. If he can’t accept that then that is his issue and you are not going to get into debate with him about it.

If someone can’t respect you over something so easy to resolve then you deserve better.

I think you know what people will say, OP. He's an awful, abusive man, and people can't in good conscience try to advise you on how to bring him around. He won't see sense, because his logic is warped and he is obsessed with his horrible mother.

You should get far away from him.

And yes that's right we have jumped back a step as you may recall I agreed to put myself through it, as he was going to leave me, but then his mother said she doesn't want me there anymore then, he has now forgotten that bit and he's talking about it all over again, this will because I have not made effort to apologise to his mother for upsetting her for not accepting her lovely gesture!

It’s up to the hotel whether they take the booking. Not for people to be ‘considerate’ of them. But you know that. That’s not the issue.

I really do know it’s far easier said than done, but someone with so little respect for your boundaries is not someone you should stay in a relationship with, lovely.

erm
she said you're not welcome if you don't share the room
problem solved - don't go!

@Sirzy

I would be black and white about with him. Give him a clear choice that he either books the extra room or you won’t be going. If he can’t accept that then that is his issue and you are not going to get into debate with him about it.

If someone can’t respect you over something so easy to resolve then you deserve better.

I always thought it was easily resolved too, book another room and pay, sorted, I don't get why it's paramount we share to avoid upsetting his mother.

I will try to hold myself together, I have been so grateful of Mumsnet these last couple of days as Its helped me feel like I am normal.