Anxiety about Sharing hotel room with partners adult son

[Mslouisajellytots]

I have suffered with my mental health for sometime, I have had support and have learnt ways to help me when it rears it’s ugly head, im not great with being confined to small spaces or in groups of people, I’ve had my moments, hate it when it gets the better of me. My partner knows all about it and I find he’s hit and miss with the understanding of it, if I’m around his family and I am feeling anxious due to a situation I find myself in, I have to keep it contained as my partners parents don’t understand mental health. I can’t say anything to explain as my partner says his mother doesn’t want to know and just wants me to get on and let them all enjoy they time together. I have found myself in some very uncomfortable situations and my anxiety has been through the roof, and my MIL is frosty with me, telling my partner she’s not happy I’m not involving myself more or I’m too quiet and I’m not talking to her enough and tells him she doesn’t want me spoiling her time away. My partner then tells me off and goes in a mood with me, and I feel so alone, willing for the anxiety of the situation plus the extra worry that I am now more obvious to people I’m struggling, although it’s more of a hindrance to his family.
Then recently she asked us and other family members to come along for a couple of days on a midweek break, she wanted to organise it and refused to let us pay, we don’t need her to pay but she’s insisting and my partner agreed. Then i hear my partners adult son is home from university and wants to come along, and I over hear my MIL telling my partner his son (21) will be staying in our room, I wait for my partner to say something but he doesn’t, afterwards I say to my partner I am uncomfortable with his son staying in the same room as well as I don’t feel it’s appropriate either, I say could we get another room and we pay, my partner refuses and says it should be ok, his son is not a stranger to me, i reiterate how uncomfortable I am having to share a room with him, he says he doesn’t want to mess his mother about, I said that I could sort it out, I message my MIL the following day, thanking her for the offer and explained how awkward it is for me sharing a room with my partners son, she ignores me and gets in touch with my partner and says I need to get over myself and sleep together in the room with my partners adult son or I am no longer welcome. She tells him I’ve upset her and she’s choked at my suggestion of getting another room. Now I feel I should have gone along with it and not said anything. People might say it’s ok not to go, but my partner wants me to still go and wants me to grovel and apologise to her for upsetting her, but that still means if I am allowed to go I will still be in the uncomfortable position. I would rather not go as due to my previous experience with his family, but I like to try. How can I repair this and still hold my head together, as if I have a bad spell I will get them mad because it will be deemed as spoiling there holiday, his parents are retired and go on 3-4 of these holidays a year.

Seriously, get all the paperwork together for the house and bank accounts etc and plan your leaving. He doesn’t respect you, he doesn’t support you and he isn’t going to change.

This man does not respect your boundaries - probably because his mother doesn't respect his and therefore he thinks this is normal.

All families have certain behaviour patterns that they fall in to and can't see them anymore. But as you have come from the 'outside' you can see this is not ok.

Your DP goes along with being suffocated and controlled by his mother. He clearly has had a turbulent relationship with his ex too.

I think your partner needs black and white from action from you now. No to the room share. No to asking his mum what her opinion is of who sleeps where. No to caring about the hotel booking system! Time to decide if you want to work on this relationship or call time as there is so much wrong with it. The room issues has only highlighted the massive lack of respect and boundaries here - it is this that would be the deal breaker for me. Good luck OP

He's trying to bully you op. Do not let him railroad you. Stay firm, don't get into a debate. Just keep repeating extra room or you don't go.

Can a relationship survive still if I'm not apart of his parents lives?

As it feels like things are going to be very awkward! I had a similar thing last year MIL was upset as I didn't give her enough attention when we visited, this was when I was badly suffered with my back, she said to my partner last year she didn't want to see me again, I was too quiet and on my own at times, she didn't like it, I had to grovel to get back into her good books, I felt I had nothing left in me and was completely destroyed by the whole situation. This was when I got help for my MH.

Why do you want this relationship to survive?
He’s horrible

OP your partners sounds cruel and manipulative. Cruel because as much as his mother he dismisses and minimised your mental health difficulties. Manipulative because 1) he hides behind his mother to do so and 2) he uses loads of different forms of coercion to ignore your boundaries aka friends tell him it is ok to ignore your boundaries, his children are ok with him ignoring your boundaries.

He is not the man for you. He is part of making your mental health issues worse.

@Hoppinggreen

Why do you want this relationship to survive? He’s horrible

He can be kind and sweet and loving and we have created a life together, although I know it's far from perfect.

I am afraid of leaving and what comes with that too, turning my life upside down scares the hell out of me. I wish I had it in me to walk away, growing up without my dad, he didn't want to know, mother married another two times, she was not a loving mother, her priorities all mixed up, didn't have what we needed, shoes, clothes got from neighbours and friends, but she smoked 40 cigarettes a day!

He can be kind and sweet and loving and we have created a life together, although I know it's far from perfect.

If there is something there to work with and he is willing to grow with you then maybe therapy might work for you both as a couple. But he does have changes to make and only he can make them and there has to be a willingness to allow you to have an inner world which currently seems to be missing.

Being kind and sweet sometimes does not make up for his blatant abuse of you OP.

His mum sounds very needy. I think it is possible to rub along with needy people if you have strong boundaries - and crucially - if your partner agrees with you.

As a team, you assert your boundaries. It would have been simple for your DP to say 'don't worry about hotel rooms mum, we'll sort DS, you've done enough.'

That's it. Shut it down.

MILs response is hers to deal with (as logically anyone can see that booking a room is not offensive/hurtful/spiteful/murderous! behaviour), but your DP made it his business to handle and placate and run around trying to make everything ok. Sounds quite exhausting for him too. He then takes out his crap on you. And he probably did on his ex.

Just saw your update.

It strikes me that you felt your needs were low priority as a child, and now you're in a relationship where your needs are low priority.

I would encourage you to talk to someone, eg women's aid. They will know how control and abuse can be subtle and therefore confusing.

Hour DP sounds like only woman he wants to please is his Mum. He is a big Mummy's boy. Book your own room and stop asking for their permission for everything. You are an adult and can make your own choices. It is no wonder you have MH problems. They are likely causing them to get worse.

I don't want to share a room with my own 21 year old son! 3 in a room is going to be very cramped for 3 adults, you will be in very close quarters, and I'm not surprised you feel uncomfortable.

Either book your own room ( you don't actually need to have a discussion with anyone about that) or don't go. I think if I were you I wouldn't go, it doesn't sound as if it will be fun at all.
Just bear in mind you don't need anyone's permission to decide whether to go and where to sleep. You are an adult, you are not answerable to any of them. No one has to agree with you, you just do what you want. If they don't like it, then so be it. If you think you won't enjoy the trip, then just don't go. Life's too short to waste your time trying to please people (who won't be pleased whatever you do).

@Mslouisajellytots

Can a relationship survive still if I'm not apart of his parents lives?

As it feels like things are going to be very awkward! I had a similar thing last year MIL was upset as I didn't give her enough attention when we visited, this was when I was badly suffered with my back, she said to my partner last year she didn't want to see me again, I was too quiet and on my own at times, she didn't like it, I had to grovel to get back into her good books, I felt I had nothing left in me and was completely destroyed by the whole situation. This was when I got help for my MH.

Do you not see the link between them and your mental health?

I think you have a long way to go before you realise that actually they are the ones dragging you down and learning to live on your own, is probably the best thing you could do for yourself.

@Mslouisajellytots
I have tbh here and say that I really don't get your issue with sharing a room, there will presumably be an ensuite, so really not that different a setup to having lived in the same house for years! But you have an issue with this and by the sounds of it many other things too. And as much as it's not PC I to say so, I imagine this is hard work for everyone else as well.
I get there are obviously perceived issues with the inlaws and your oh, and tbh this just sounds so negative for everyone, tbh, that regardless of your being afraid of leaving, surely leaving is the only possible positive action to be taken?
Your relationship with your oh is poor. You cannot bear to spend the night in a family room with your sc. You dislike his family and they are quite obviously important to your oh. How will this situation ever be anything but toxic?
You need to get serious support with your MH, probably counselling as well as support regarding healthy relationships.
This really is about so much more than a room.

Oh dear, I wrote my post without having read the whole thread, now I've seen your updates and realise the whole situation is much worse than it sounded originally.
MiL sounds nuts, DP is an enabler, and no wonder you've had health mental health issues whilst trying to negotiate life with that bunch, you are very clearly in a no-win situation.
DP puts his ex and his mother before you, quite openly. He's strung you along for years. My advice would be get out now, it's not going to get any better.

You and your partner and his family all appear to have lumped your mental health in with you being quiet. Fuck that OP. Try and put any mental health labels aside for a moment and consider the idea that just being around people who are judgemental and mean would make anyone feel on edge. I think that sounds like a healthy emotional response to a stressful situation. Please try and reassess what is happening for you here.

Op this thread is awful to read. It does really come across that your DP and family are quite abusive to you. You're DP should be respectful all of the time, not just some of the time. You deserve so much more. The whole room booking thing is just ridiculous and mil is being very controlling, but it's just a symptom of the wider toxic relationships surrounding you. I agree with others suggesting counseling x

[quote ChoiceMummy]@Mslouisajellytots
I have tbh here and say that I really don't get your issue with sharing a room, there will presumably be an ensuite, so really not that different a setup to having lived in the same house for years! But you have an issue with this and by the sounds of it many other things too. And as much as it's not PC I to say so, I imagine this is hard work for everyone else as well.
I get there are obviously perceived issues with the inlaws and your oh, and tbh this just sounds so negative for everyone, tbh, that regardless of your being afraid of leaving, surely leaving is the only possible positive action to be taken?
Your relationship with your oh is poor. You cannot bear to spend the night in a family room with your sc. You dislike his family and they are quite obviously important to your oh. How will this situation ever be anything but toxic?
You need to get serious support with your MH, probably counselling as well as support regarding healthy relationships.
This really is about so much more than a room.[/quote]
My partner is the non resident parent, so his son would come for 1-2 nights at weekends, then holidays, he has his own room - we don't share bathrooms as we have an en-suite, we have never slept together in the same room ever, and am so not comfortable about starting now he is 21 going on 22.

@Mslouisajellytots
As I said there are obviously lots of things going on that need addressing. But I still don't see sharing the same sleeping roomwith family that big a deal. And it does feel like you and your inlaws have now made this into even a bigger issue!

You do not like the inlaws. They think your issues are ott and impact others. Your oh agrees. So like I said far bigger issues on the go....

[quote ChoiceMummy]@Mslouisajellytots
As I said there are obviously lots of things going on that need addressing. But I still don't see sharing the same sleeping roomwith family that big a deal. And it does feel like you and your inlaws have now made this into even a bigger issue!

You do not like the inlaws. They think your issues are ott and impact others. Your oh agrees. So like I said far bigger issues on the go....[/quote]
That’s your personal opinion.

OP is not unreasonable or wrong or having issues because she does not wish to share close sleeping quarters with an unrelated adult male.

[quote ChoiceMummy]@Mslouisajellytots
As I said there are obviously lots of things going on that need addressing. But I still don't see sharing the same sleeping roomwith family that big a deal. And it does feel like you and your inlaws have now made this into even a bigger issue!

You do not like the inlaws. They think your issues are ott and impact others. Your oh agrees. So like I said far bigger issues on the go....[/quote]
But whether or not you would feel uncomfortable, if it were your DIL, would you object to her booking a separate room if SHE felt uncomfortable?

[quote ChoiceMummy]@Mslouisajellytots
As I said there are obviously lots of things going on that need addressing. But I still don't see sharing the same sleeping roomwith family that big a deal. And it does feel like you and your inlaws have now made this into even a bigger issue!

You do not like the inlaws. They think your issues are ott and impact others. Your oh agrees. So like I said far bigger issues on the go....[/quote]
It really does not matter whether YOU think it is a big deal.

Why does he and his family get to call all of the shots? Why do they get to make you unhappy?

he said I am not worth marrying until I accept things like this with his family, he even said he might have to leave me as his mother was so upset with my suggestion of another room

He’s a nasty manipulative little man.

Do you have any friends or family of your own op?

They are all mad , why does she care what you spend your money on and who sleeps where ... absolute madness ! Tell her you will do what you want to do and sleep where you want!
I would not tolerate this crazy behaviour from Mil