Talk about it.... but don't overshare

[Fritilleries]

What the actual eff am I meant to do with my feelings when people are clearly disinterested? My OH knows I struggle with depression/anxiety which has been exacerbated by my child. I am finding it tough these days so yes, I'll post on family WhatsApp that I'm fed up of potty training or whatever yet I get nothing back. No empathy. No solidarity. Nothing. I have no friends. I literally don't understand how I'm meant to function when people don't want to hear about how shitty I feel? The whole talk about mental health is a pile of shite isn't it, cos actually people don't wanna know, do they?

You’re right, I think really talking is only useful when you’ve got an empathic listener to talk to, otherwise it can be more damaging than helpful. Have you tried journalling or talking to a counsellor?

Yes, the whole talk about mental health is a pile of shite!

When people greet me they say: "Hi, how are you?"
then I tell them the truth, and they look uncomfortable and walk away.

I don't care. I'm not going to lie for their comfort.

On and off journaling. But not a counsellor. It's a bit sad that a counsellor is needed when nobody wants to listen in real life. 😔

hi
So I’m trying to say this in the kindest way possible and I promise I don’t mean to be unkind
It’s that often times it is very difficult to constantly be a sounding board for other peoples’ MH needs. And from experience of ppl close to me with mental health needs - there is a distinct lack of understanding that actually a lot of us are really struggling. With money, work, time, childcare, relationships fucking everything. And then it’s like, you’re obligated to listen to someone else speak about difficult they find stuff when you’re struggling to.
And I’m not trying to attack you
More trying to say that it’s not often about people not wanting to listen but it that that tunnel vision to only discuss your MH can be really difficult for the people who you’ve tasked with listening to it

Do you post on the group what a nice day you have as well??? I get the MH part but when all you do is talking about doom and gloom and bad and sad etc people don’t necessarily want to hear it all the time, it brings them down as well and will start to avoid you

So put up and shut up.

Not put up and shut up, but you need a balance. Most people cannot cope with other people's endless issues when often they have their own to deal with too.

The Facebook wankers fuck me off too.

'If any of my friends need to talk, my door is always open.'

No, the fuck its not! That's utter shite. They just want to look good, the couldn't give a damn how I feel. I outright told a friend once that I wished I was dead and she said I don't want to hear that.

Yet if you keep to yourself you get the party line about it being OK not to be ok.

No, the fuck it isn't!

You can't win!

I've got no friends, and nobody to talk to either! Solidarity. I just bought myself a notebook for £1, and I use it to literally have conversations with myself. I just write whatever I'd say to someone, if I had someone really understanding and caring in my life. So kinda like journal writing, but more of a general brain dump than anything organised. I've only been doing it for about a week, maybe less, and I feel so much better for it. If I have a moment at nap time, or in the evenings, or if the babies are playing quietly, I just scrawl out whatever I'd say to a friend in that moment. It feels like it's not all stuck inside me then.

I'm just feeling crap. Hopefully a good sleep will shake it off.

You're absolutely right people don't want to hear about it all the time and most people who ask how you are are doing so because of social etiquette not a genuine interest. Most people have their own shite to deal with and not everyone wants the same things from a friendship or conversation. Some people don't want to talk about heavy/deep things at all, other people are happy to talk about real issues but aren't happy to be a sounding board. If you are negative a lot, there are people who will not want to socialise with you out of self preservation, also, as although they two suffer from mental health issues they manage these by 'faking it until you make it' or something else, and are working hard at being more positive themselves. Ultimately friendships and conversations should never be a one way street, and if it is becoming that way it can be the death knell for any relationship. If you do want somebody to just listen to all your problems for you then it does sound like you need a therapist not a friend. A friendship should be between equals. Yes there will be times when one is more in need than the other but it should balance out over time. Otherwise that friendship is at a cost to the other party and that's not ok or sustainable.

Do you ask other people how they are? What do you do for them? Depression thrives on self centred and self pity thinking. Getting out of your own struggles and helping others and caring for others could be what really helps you even if you think you just need somebody to vent to.

I've had depression and anxiety for all my adult life - I'm 62 - and have been on antidepressants for many years. People who haven't actually had any mental health problems don't understand. They can't empathise, because they don't know what it feels like to have a mental illness.

It pisses me off massively when certain friends say they're "depressed" when they've had a crap day at work or something.

Fritilleries I'm listening, if you want to message me x

Use the mighty, an American forum, free and good

I mean this kindly... do you make yourself available to listen to the people you're reaching out to? Are you a good listener when required or do you expect them to listen to your anxieties without knowing what might be happening in their life?

I would seem totally together to 99% of those that know me, but I'm often struggling silently. I find asking for help impossible. I would be able to listen to a friend like you sometimes but if it was frequently negative I'd find it difficult to know how to respond.

The problem with 'talk about it' is that its not that simple. You cant just talk about it. Because, for a variety of reasons, that persi may not be able to deal with it or help very much.

Just talking about forces people into a position where if they don't do the right thing, then they are seen as unsupportive or not caring.

And also, if its a long term thing, it can be draining for people.

Unfortunately, it's a case of find a fee or even one person that's willing and able to provide the support you need. And then you also reciprocating for them.

I'm on the other side of this. DS 19 has had a decade of mental health problems.
I think mental health organisations trot out the advice "Talk to someone" without understanding what it's like to be that someone.
My son has depression anxiety and a personality disorder. He tells me frequently about everything he hates in his life and that he wants to die. He sees it, at some level, as my job to fix this.
I don't know how to fix him. What can I do, an ordinary (widowed) mum, that the might of CAMHS, an NHS psychiatrist, an NHS psychologist and the entire NHS medicine cabinet have been unable to resolve.
"Talk to someone." Day after day. Year after year. What the fuck are we supposed to do or say? Nothing makes them better. Frequently you are just dragged down into the hell with them.

@Fritilleries How old is your DC? Do you work?

I found an app called 7 cups which offers listeners (by messaging) for free, as well as counsellors who may charge. I hope that helps you as it helped me. Good luck

Really feeling this recently, pregnant and moving house with a toddler. Because so overwhelmed. I usually hold everything in and listen to everyone else's issues. I confided in my sister how bad I was feeling. I felt really let down by her as I have been the only person there for her through so much and when I needed her she couldn't be there for me. So disappointing.

Other people are also probably feeling the same. People are too stressed dealing with their own stress to take on yours too.

And potty training is hardly a bereavement (people don't care about that either)

Imo your expectations are too high.

You are born alone and die alone.

Don't ever expect anything from anyone else and you'll never be disappointed.

@MyQuietPlace

I've had depression and anxiety for all my adult life - I'm 62 - and have been on antidepressants for many years. People who haven't actually had any mental health problems don't understand. They can't empathise, because they don't know what it feels like to have a mental illness.

It pisses me off massively when certain friends say they're "depressed" when they've had a crap day at work or something.

Fritilleries I'm listening, if you want to message me x

You sound like a really kind and lovely person.

I am sorry that you have suffered and hope that you are feeling in a better place now.

I too have horrible mental health issues and this thread was making me feel very sad, even sadder, until I read this.

Hugs to you 💕

Pwrsonally the "talk to someone thing" is so services and organisations dont have any responsibility to provide much needed services.
Its crap.
At work there are posters telling us to talk to/ support colleagues and yet we are burnt out and have zero capacity to do this.
Its shocking.
No one else can solve the issues of others and negativity in the form of " I hate potty training" dont we all isnt really what the talk to someone means.
I àgree that journalling is a very good option

Look at how you are phrasing things. "I'm fed up of potty training" is a statement. So is every parent in the world. It will end at some point.

Try phrasing it as a question such as "this potty training lark is hard isn't it, some days it gets me really down as we don't seem to be progressing, anyone got any good ideas or tips I can try ditto to help me not get so wound up about it?"

Hi OP, I don’t necessarily feel it’s ‘put up and shut up’, more finding the right outlet for you to vent. Friends and family are often left just not knowing how to respond. Besides how would you know what stresses they have going on in their life also.

I have very few friends, not much family so keep a lot in the majority of the time. I’m not alone and neither are you. We are all in it together.

Sorry some people on this board aren't being very kind to you at all, OP.
("In the kindest possible way" my arse... Try harder guys, your low standards are showing!)

A lot of people are terrible listeners. They don't want to hear about other people's issues, no matter how big or small. Small issues are systematically dismissed (someone, somewhere, is always having it harder than you, so just put up and shut up), big issues are "too much" (people just vanish).

You can be a wonderful listener yourself, always available to help when others struggle, and still find yourself essentially alone when you're the one facing problems. If you put on a brave face, people assume you're coping well, if you complain about your lot, "it's really not that bad", and "you need to grow a thicker skin".

I know from first hand experience. It's a bitter realisation that most people really are shit friends. Not all are, though. Cherish the bond with those who really care. And if there's no one like that around you at that time... You need to work real hard on being your own best friend. Focus on that. Everything else can wait. Be that friend to yourself, that others are failing to be.