Talk about it.... but don't overshare

[Fritilleries]

What the actual eff am I meant to do with my feelings when people are clearly disinterested? My OH knows I struggle with depression/anxiety which has been exacerbated by my child. I am finding it tough these days so yes, I'll post on family WhatsApp that I'm fed up of potty training or whatever yet I get nothing back. No empathy. No solidarity. Nothing. I have no friends. I literally don't understand how I'm meant to function when people don't want to hear about how shitty I feel? The whole talk about mental health is a pile of shite isn't it, cos actually people don't wanna know, do they?

Do you see a counsellor? They way you can get things off your chest and deal with them in a constructive manner. It's hard being a sounding board especially if you're feeling off yourself.

@MrsColinRobinson

I mean this kindly... do you make yourself available to listen to the people you're reaching out to? Are you a good listener when required or do you expect them to listen to your anxieties without knowing what might be happening in their life?

I would seem totally together to 99% of those that know me, but I'm often struggling silently. I find asking for help impossible. I would be able to listen to a friend like you sometimes but if it was frequently negative I'd find it difficult to know how to respond.

I was going to post something similar. Throughout my life my sibling and parents have had serious mental health problems and used me as a wailing wall. I have sat through many, many hours of their difficulties, been woken up at night to listen to them, tried to talk them down from suicidal thoughts and worse. It was exhausting and never, ever reciprocal. It took me to the edge too. I was depressed throughout my teens and struggled throughout my twenties with a major anxiety disorder and frequent panic attacks, often debilitating. It took immense will to fight my way through the stage when I was fearful that my panic disorder would render me housebound. If you asked these family members they’d say “oh Beige has a charmed life, everything goes her way.” They don’t know how ill I was because they never asked and I didn’t bother telling them. Any misfortune in my life was met with variations of “well I have it worse”. I appreciate you are struggling yourself, but you cannot assume that others are not also fighting their own battles. Many of us have to manage the demand of others and set boundaries out of self-preservation. There were points when I had to limit my interaction with family members for my own sanity. I wasn’t being unkind or uncaring. I just had nothing left to give.

OP sort out a counsellor. As another poster said, people who have not experienced depression cannot understand.

I talk to anyone who asks about mental health or seems to have that look in their eye. I'm well now but have been there so know how horrendous it is. So many people have nobody who can talk to them properly about it. That's why counsellors are valuable.

It can be very hard listening to someone with chronic mental health problems though as things don't change. So my depressed and anxious friend is always depressed and anxious. I love her and care about her, and spend a lot of time listening and emphasising, which is not without some cost to my own wellbeing. Intense support and active listening require a lot of energy. Many of us are at a stage in life (kids, work, finances, pandemic shit) where we don't have tons of spare energy. I give all that I can to my friend who is struggling with her mental health, but it can deplete me. And then the next time I see her it is the same. This can be tiring for people. It doesn't mean they don't love you, but it can be hard work. I think counselling can fill that gap.

Hi all. I feel better today. I woke yesterday feeling brighter. It's no coincidence that my moods lift when the skies are brighter and the sky is bluer. I appreciate people taking time to get back to me. I realise that what I'm doing is whining, essentially. Which is irritating as I well know, with a toddler. I fully take responsibility for my own behaviour BUT it still sucks to get zero response or even no "hope today is better or hope the potty training is more successful today" message. Maybe my expectations are too high. I've struggled with parenthood. It feels like it isn't the done thing to be negative about parenthood at all. I find myself talking in the car between nursery and work, that helps get it off my chest.

Imagine for a moment, indulge me here, that you know a Quantum Physicist... Called Absolom.

Absolom has huge blackboard with loads of numbers and letters and symbols on it. He's stood in front of it scratching his head. He then asks you to help him solve it.
You're not a quantum physicist.. you look at the black board, you recognise some symbols like the Plus sign or the Minus sign, but you've no idea how it all fits into one mathematical equation. So you shrug, scratch your bum and go for tacos.

This is your mental health for other people. They can often see the problem. They can see small details and recognise them, but they don't know how they all fit into a big picture. So, just like someone being faced with a complex mathematical equation, they don't know how to answer and they stay silent. That's been my experience anyway.

(And of course all this fall's down if you reply that you are actually a quantum physicist.....)

Yes, everyone has things to deal with in life.

But the day-to-day stresses of normal life are nothing like suffering from a mental illness.

Literally waking up every day wanting to die, believing it's the only way out from the pain. Being haunted by inescapable nightmarish scenarios repeating in your head. Believing this will never end.

Being seriously in need of medical treatment, but expected by people with average or good mental health to 'pull yourself together' as if severe clinical depression was laziness and self-indulgence.

Feeling that you are trapped in a terrifying horror film and that whatever you do today doesn't matter - because you'll be dead next week anyway.

Even after a lot of treatment, depression can be recurrent. Medication can stop working and it takes time to find a different one which suits the person.

I think “talk about your mental health” means not hiding that you’re struggling, finding a close friend or professional to confide in, etc. It doesn’t mean post statuses about what’s pissing you off and expecting group therapy.

@FabriqueBelgique

I think “talk about your mental health” means not hiding that you’re struggling, finding a close friend or professional to confide in, etc. It doesn’t mean post statuses about what’s pissing you off and expecting group therapy.

Quite. However, surely it's not much to ask for a dialogue if such an issue is expressed? I'm not asking for an indepth solution, just the feeling that somebody gives a toss.

You're looking at it all wrong. You do need a counsellor because they are trained and skilled to try to help you address all the issues that are making your anxiety bad. it's totally unfair of you to expect your friends to do this job for you - they're not trained or skilled and that's not their role in life.

I don't mind listening to anybody's problems and I am extremely empathetic and can be a very good listener but I'm also a fixer and my general advice is to try and sort things out, put things put things in place phone debt recovery if that's needed, phone the GP, book a counsellor, take antidepressants, investigate the physical to see if anything can be done.

And if you're not doing all of those things eventually people get tired of someone who is not prepared to make any effort.

Also, Journal it. Phone yourself. WhatsApp yourself. Often just verbalising it helps.

Get on a mums WhatsApp group to discuss potty training issues. Or better still mn threads.

Ok. So what are friends for? Like literally, if you have a problem you're meant to outsource to a counsellor?? That makes no sense at all. I'm on antidepressants.

That's not what I said.

@Fritilleries

Ok. So what are friends for? Like literally, if you have a problem you're meant to outsource to a counsellor?? That makes no sense at all. I'm on antidepressants.

All relationships are built on reciprocity and mutual trust and nurturing. This balance is especially important in friendships where you don’t share a kinship bond. My friend’s mother recently passed away after a long illness. At the end of a long walk she apologised for talking so much about her grief and the aftermath of her mother’s death. I said it was absolutely fine, that I’m in a good place and that it was good for me to be able to return her care for me. She supported me as a sounding board and empathetic friend while I was subjected to several years of awful workplace bullying. Do you ask your friends how they are feeling? Are your relationships, broadly and over a reasonable time frame, equal in giving support and being supported? Perhaps because of my own family experiences I am careful not to overburden my friends. I sought out professional help for my overwhelming needs when I was really unwell. As others have said, my friends are not trained mental health professionals. There’s a limit to what it is fair to ask other people to take on and how long you can draw on them without giving back.

In the kindest way, you need therapy. A professional who will listen and advise you. And, most importantly, help you to manage what life throws at you. Get some help, as sadly, most people have a lot going on in their lives right now and just maybe, can't cope with hearing about your problems too.

Sorry some people on this board aren't being very kind to you at all, OP.
("In the kindest possible way" my arse... Try harder guys, your low standards are showing!)

Totally disagree with this.
You dont get to decide that other people arent being kind.
They were being honest.
Its unfair to load all your issues and problems on to others.
They might not have capacity to sit and listen to an hour long vent about how shit life is, then again, again and again.
Many people are struggling at the moment.
You dont get to top trump other peoples feelings and Op needs to adjust expectations of others.
Possibly Op needs a different outlet if she/ he is finding parenting difficult -forums such as this are ideal.

I think people missed where the OP said she has no friends. I think you could really benefit from some mum friends with same age kids. They are the ones who will be most empathetic to the potty training is shit conversations. You need people who are in the same stage of life. It's very easy to repress how hard it really is with young children. I'd focus on joining some toddler groups and meeting some mums you can start a friendship with. Your family are a dead end and nothing will change that.

@Fritilleries

Ok. So what are friends for? Like literally, if you have a problem you're meant to outsource to a counsellor?? That makes no sense at all. I'm on antidepressants.

They aren't there to treat mental health problems or only listen to, what you call, whinging.

Friendships aren't just for one thing. Different friendships and different family relationships provide different things.

I had something awful happen recently, I would nor have been great support for someone whining that they hate potty training. Does that mean I can not have friends? Because I am not, currently, providing support for everyone else's moans?

Some friends won't be able to provide support, but you might enjoy their company anyway. Some friends may provide good support, but at times feel they can't.

Would you cut both off?

"ok so what are friends for"

They're not there to be a place for you to whine and bitch about how hard potty training is. I'd have no friends either if that's all I used them for.

Unfortunately, if someone is constantly complaining about stuff then it can be pretty hard to deal with that if you have your own problems to deal with.

I have a cousin that I used to be really close to, always there for them when they had problems, drunk phone calls crying down the phone at 2am etc... in the end I had to stop answering the phone, stop replying to messages, as it was affecting my mental health which was quite precarious at the time. I had said at one point, sorry but I can't deal with this at the moment as I'm struggling too, but that was ignored and it was all "me, me, me". After a major thing happened and they knew and they didn't support me, I basically cut them out. Life has been much easier since.

The thing is, yes talking is good. But it's not good when its all one sided. And most people don't know what to do or say when others are struggling. That's why counselling is so important, it's an impartial person who is trained to listen and respond correctly.

You should seek outside help, and medication if you're not already taking some. It can make a world of difference, believe me.

Im really sorry you're not getting much support. Would it be worth seeing if theres a mum&baby group in your area, or there are even facebook groups that you can join to share how you're feeling with others in the same boat. I know that doesnt fix any disappointment you are feeling at your immediate support network but at least you'd have a place where you can talk?

I do just want to say - poor mental health is a medical condition that needs to be treated by a professional. I understand why the 'you need to talk' messaging is confusing because the 'you need to talk' campaign is a way to distract people from the fact that our mental health services have been in underfunded crisis for years, and by implying its friends/families responsibility it gets us arguing between ourselves rather than pointing the finger at those responsible for stripping services to the bone. Yes, its good to let your support network know you are struggling and i get that you just want a place to offload really, but it really makes me sad seeing poats like this because people are being conned into thinking its the people around them who are the issue, not the fact its a 2 year wait for CBT which most likely isnt the type of therapy you need. Not your fault OP obviously, just a bit of a rubbish state of affairs.

@Gwegowygwiggs

"ok so what are friends for"

They're not there to be a place for you to whine and bitch about how hard potty training is. I'd have no friends either if that's all I used them for.

Too harsh.

Friends empathise, make you see the funny side, reassure you it is normal, share their trials and tribulations.

Not many people with a lot of friends walk around endlessly moaning but we all vent to our friends (well, I do, and I have plenty, thanks very much!)

There’s a difference between non stop negativity and a moan.

@Ceramide

Yes, everyone has things to deal with in life.

But the day-to-day stresses of normal life are nothing like suffering from a mental illness.

Literally waking up every day wanting to die, believing it's the only way out from the pain. Being haunted by inescapable nightmarish scenarios repeating in your head. Believing this will never end.

Being seriously in need of medical treatment, but expected by people with average or good mental health to 'pull yourself together' as if severe clinical depression was laziness and self-indulgence.

Feeling that you are trapped in a terrifying horror film and that whatever you do today doesn't matter - because you'll be dead next week anyway.

Even after a lot of treatment, depression can be recurrent. Medication can stop working and it takes time to find a different one which suits the person.

What's day to day stress? How is that entirely separate from mental health.

I, quite frankly, sometimes would prefer not to wake up. I am not depressed. I am grieving. People die everyday. People grieve everyday. Its not mental health issue. It's not depression. It's early stages of grief.

And day to day stresses can quickly become a mental health issue. So where's the cut off, where people can try and protect their own mental health?

I have suffered with Depression before. I was diagnosed with PTSD. Its not about pulling yourself together. It's about understanding that not everyone can always be your support and do exactly what's needed in each situation.

I think that the last two years have been really hard for almost everyone (though certainly some more than others). Someone like myself, who was previously completely available for midnight crises, long understanding chats and just generally a sounding board, probably appears on the outside to still be the same, but the reality is, I am only just about keeping my own head and family above water. I am there for friends, but not as much as before, and as PP's have said, it does have to work both ways, as someone who seems to be fine, no one ever asks how I am. I just don't have the capacity to take on others' problems in any great volume just now, and suspect many others are the same. Talking to a counsellor may be your best bet for now.