Termination of pregnancy due to medical reasons

[Newdreams]

Hi I am sorry if this is in the wrong place I don't mean to offend anyone. I am 19 weeks pregnant and have been told my baby has bilateral renal agenesis, this is a fatal condition which means the baby will not survive outside the womb and currently has no amniotic fluid. I have been give the option of termination or waiting for nature to take its course (I have another thread about the build to the diagnosis) but I really wanted to know if anyone been in similar position and what did they chose to do and how did they manage to deal with the emotional side of things. My heart saying to wait bur my head is saying to opt for the termination but I feel exhausted I can't think straight and just wanted to know some other people's experiences.

Oh OP I've just read your thread and I'm so sorry. I had a TFMR in October 2019 and your post has brought back so many emotions of me holding my little girl after I delivered her. I promise it will get easier eventually, but for right now, you just grieve however you want to. There's no wrong way. I went and saw a private counsellor twice which I found so helpful because I could just cry and talk about everything horrible I was feeling (like hating seeing pregnant women etc) without feeling guilty that I was offloading too much onto my husband.

Sending you a big big hug xx

@fullofpips

Oh OP I've just read your thread and I'm so sorry. I had a TFMR in October 2019 and your post has brought back so many emotions of me holding my little girl after I delivered her. I promise it will get easier eventually, but for right now, you just grieve however you want to. There's no wrong way. I went and saw a private counsellor twice which I found so helpful because I could just cry and talk about everything horrible I was feeling (like hating seeing pregnant women etc) without feeling guilty that I was offloading too much onto my husband.

Sending you a big big hug xx

I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter and the memories this all must have bought back for you.

Thank you for replying I will try the counselling and see how I get on with it all feel so anxious about it all but I have to try for dh and ds.

@Newdreams.. I have sent two contact numbers to you in private message.

[quote ChateauMargaux]@Newdreams.. I have sent two contact numbers to you in private message.[/quote]
Thank you for the numbers. I will see how I get on with the bereavement midwifes first I feel bit over whelmed with it all.

I hope this isn't over stepping, but here are some resources in Birmingham:

Bereavement team run a cafe for parents bwc.nhs.uk/magnolia-cafe

Bereavement support line open today until 5pm
www.birminghamandsolihullccg.nhs.uk/your-health/bereavement-support

Birmingham baby loss support group
www.babyloss.com/support_groups.php

How are you doing @Newdreams? Have you been able to get in touch with the bereavement midwives?

I am sorry have been quite on the thread had hit a really dark place this week.

There's been no contact from the midwives or anyone really however gp has started me on a low dose of antidepressants. She also said she will contact the consultant I was under and chase up referral to the midwives.

It's nearly 4 weeks since I lost her and if anything it feels worse now I don't know how that can be possible but it's so hard and I am so sorry. I am such a terrible mother and partner and I don't know how to get out of this I don't know how to navigate all this. I promise I am trying so hard but I feel so closed off from everyone and everything even coming on this thread I don't know what to do or say but I am sorry.

I keep replaying every single moment. Keep questioning every decision I made in pregnancy to think it maybe the reason she no longer here I am trying so hard to be ok but I can't and I don't know how to be. I am so sorry

Please don't apologise. This thread is yours to do whatever you wish with. There's no pressure to come on here and update us. There are a lot of us thinking of you, but we are here when or if you need us.
Is there anyone friends/family able to chase the bereavement midwives on your behalf? Leave messages for you asking for a call back? I'm so sorry they haven't been in touch.

You're not a terrible mother or partner and this is absolutely not your fault. I think your reactions are normal. Nobody expects you to be anything close to Ok my lovely. You're doing amazingly well. Sending hugs. Xxx

@Goodluckanddontfuckitup

Please don't apologise. This thread is yours to do whatever you wish with. There's no pressure to come on here and update us. There are a lot of us thinking of you, but we are here when or if you need us. Is there anyone friends/family able to chase the bereavement midwives on your behalf? Leave messages for you asking for a call back? I'm so sorry they haven't been in touch.

You're not a terrible mother or partner and this is absolutely not your fault. I think your reactions are normal. Nobody expects you to be anything close to Ok my lovely. You're doing amazingly well. Sending hugs. Xxx

Thank you to be honest I have spent the entire week staring into blank space unable to focus on anything. I feel like I am forgetting her how she looked he fingers I am unable to sleep still I am a bad mother to my ds I am just struggling so much.

I don't feel like talking to anyone I keep telling my family I'm fine I don't want them to worry I can't mention our daughter to them I feel like I can't even say her name it's just pains me too much.

My dh was back at work this week but he was able to do the school runs and start later and finish earlier because I am struggling. I know it so hard for him but I just don't know when I will stop hurting him. I don't know why I can't function yet. I feel like I have given up on the midwives contacting me I know they are so busy and there are soo many more people out there that need help more urgently so I will just wait. I am so exhausted so tired my body is aching but I am still here awake. I am so sorry I wish I could come on here and say I am fine but at the moment I'm failing in every aspect of my life I don't know how to stop. Everything reminds me of her and pregnancy I don't know how to not make it hurt I am so sorry.

You have been through a terrible ordeal, Newdreams and what you are feeling now is natural. It's heartbreaking. Just take one day at a time and be kind to yourself.

I'm glad you've come back OP as I've been thinking of you. X

Haven't managed to get out of bed today ds has been with my sister today but his home and asleep now.

Everything is so overwhelming at the moment. Mil popped in before I could hear from bed her snipes that I should be back to normal now it's been 'so long' since the lost. She also said something like it's lucky we found out when we did because how would we have managed to children with special needs so everything happens for the best. I heard dh tell her off for being insensitive and saying it didn't matter about how we would have managed if we were in the situation and if our daughter had a chance at life we wouldn't have taken the decision we did but it's only not to cause her pain we chose this path.

I don't know why but this has hurt so much I feel like the expectation is for me to be normal but I don't even know what that looks like anymore. I randomly just think I am still pregnant like I have no appetite but sometimes I feel so weak and dizzy and I think oh no I best eat something it can't be good for baby and than it hits like a ton of bricks that I am no longer pregnant. I don't know if any of that makes sense or if like mil thinks I have totally lost it but I don't know how to just come out of it. I am trying so hard but I an drowning and I don't know how to survive. I feel totally and utterly broken.

I feel like everyone judging me thinking I can't even look after ds properly atm how would I have managed another baby but I promise before all this I did everything for ds the endless hospital stays the medications the feeds the nappy changes the hospital appointments and the non hospital appointments I have done it all. But I don't know how to go back to that I am trying I still do his meds and feeds but I don't have that urgency anymore like I keep forgetting so dh has set up alarms on phone that remind me but I am just a terrible mum.

I made a hard decision for the termination but now it feels wrong for me to be grieving if I chose this path why does it feel so hard. I miss her so much and I am forgetting her with each passing day.

I am sorry for rambling on here. I am sorry.

Op, I have just today come across this thread and read it through. I am so sorry for your loss and everything that has happened since.

Your mil sounds completely insensitive and well done for your dh for setting her straight.

My dsis went through similar after finding out her ds brain hadn't developed. She gave birth at 22 weeks and I spent the following days with her in the hospital with nephew. It was too much for her dh and other family members to deal with- they couldn't see the baby. We are extremely close and we were able to have very candid chats. She expressed similar to you about feeling guilty about grieving because in her words she 'chose' to terminate. But it wasn't really a choice. You are allowed to feel how you feel. Your dd was a part of you. You carried her. She will always be a part of you. Please be kind to yourself. There's no rule book here. You've had a horrific and traumatic time and physically you need to heal before you can mentally heal. My dsis did try immediately to get pregnant and had a dd about a year after. She no longer feels the guilt she did then (it's been 10 years). But her ds is always always remembered and she has photos of him in her bedroom.

You need to rest and let your dh and others pick up the slack. You are not a bad mother. You are a grieving and unwell mother and you need right now to look after yourself. Sending big hugs xx

@Newdreams you are not being nearly kind enough to yourself. This is grief, it is brutal.

It's not that you are a terrible mum at all - you are a mum in a terrible situation, which is quite different.

I'm sorry the MW have not been in touch. This is not ok. Your DH sounds lovely and supportive - might he be able to call the supervisor of midwives and ask for a nudge?

I am sorry for being like this. Just lying in bed hearing dh sleeping I wish I could just sleep and not think for a while but i can't stop my mind. I miss her so much if possible I feel emptier now than when I first lost her or maybe its just me realising and focusing on it more now but its literally like she has left a gap inside me that I don't know how to adjust too.
I am so scared of staying like this I don't want my ds to suffer because of me. I have no energy to try anymore I look at ds and dh I think they will be so much better without me does that sound really selfish I am so sorry.

[quote vivariumvivariumsvivaria]@Newdreams you are not being nearly kind enough to yourself. This is grief, it is brutal.

It's not that you are a terrible mum at all - you are a mum in a terrible situation, which is quite different.

I'm sorry the MW have not been in touch. This is not ok. Your DH sounds lovely and supportive - might he be able to call the supervisor of midwives and ask for a nudge?[/quote]
I don't know why but everytime I call build up so much strength to call them and leave a message etc and it's not returned or nothing is followed up I feel like it defeats me a little more. I know they are so busy and I am not angry or upset but I just don't have the energy to do it anymore.

Dh would happily call them but I feel like it's something I need to control which he is being understanding about but he did call gp for me last week.

Yes, I can see that it takes a lot of energy, which is why it's not ok that they have not been in touch.

There is probably a basic physiological thing going on too - your hormones ebb and then your body goes back to Not Pregnant and that's a bit of a thing to get your head round.

You are doing great. You feel like shit for good reason and it's early days for grief.

Some sleep would be good though. At the risk of sounding twee, some camomile tea, or some mindful deep breathing or some cosy socks or some hard core zonk you out drugs form your GP might be worth considering.

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria

Yes, I can see that it takes a lot of energy, which is why it's not ok that they have not been in touch.

There is probably a basic physiological thing going on too - your hormones ebb and then your body goes back to Not Pregnant and that's a bit of a thing to get your head round.

You are doing great. You feel like shit for good reason and it's early days for grief.

Some sleep would be good though. At the risk of sounding twee, some camomile tea, or some mindful deep breathing or some cosy socks or some hard core zonk you out drugs form your GP might be worth considering.

Thank you I am so grateful for your kindness. The gp has prescribed some stronger sleeping pills but has suggested I try warm bath hot milky drink etc before bed and take them as a last resort. I haven't managed to get the medicine yet from pharmacy to be honest I had forgotten till u mentioned it.

Yes, sleep is very important and a challenge.

It's at least a month since you had a proper night's sleep - that will make you forgetful, emotional, and feel discombobulated. It also makes pain worse.

So, when can you get to the pharmacist?

Headspace is pretty good. www.headspace.com/sleep/sleep-hygiene

[quote vivariumvivariumsvivaria]Yes, sleep is very important and a challenge.

It's at least a month since you had a proper night's sleep - that will make you forgetful, emotional, and feel discombobulated. It also makes pain worse.

So, when can you get to the pharmacist?

Headspace is pretty good. www.headspace.com/sleep/sleep-hygiene[/quote]
This morning I got the pharmacy nice and early leaving dh and ds to have a lie in. Waited and waited but they wouldn't open. Its only when a taxi driver opened his window and said they not open on Sundays did I realised how silly I had been. I feel so embarrassed. When I got home dh and ds was awake dh told me not to worry he will go and get them tomorrow after work and try and take Tuesday off work in case I feel unwell after taking them. I am so lucky to have them I know I must seem so selfish but both dh and ds are so much at peace without me.
I'm so worried about ds as well he seems like he is coming down with a Cold his nose is streaming and his coughing so much. I am so scared of him getting so unwell. I have really neglected him haven't I? I just letting him getting unwell to be honest I haven't really been doing his chest physio or using his nebuliser like i should. Dh would do it but ds is very routine driven will only tolerate me doing it but it's been so hard to keep up with it and I am so sorry I can't do anything anymore. I am sorry

There are a few times you've said things about how DH and DS would be without you. I don't agree, they weren't at peace without you, they were asleep. You got up early and did a chore which was self care, that's great! The fact the pharmacist din't open on a sunday is annoying but not the important thing - the important thing is you were doing something proactive to help yourself.

Please don't feel like you have to answer on here, but I wonder whether you should consider what is going on in your head. How low is your mood? Are you having intrusive thoughts? Have you told DH or anyone IRL that sometimes you think they'd be better off without you?

Which, by the way, is not true. It is not true that they would benefit from a life without you. Absolutely not true.

If you are having difficult thoughts like those, and/or they are increasing, and/or hard to shake off, and/or upsetting and a little bit attractive to think about, then you should follow up with your GP. You don't need to put up with them, you really don't.

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria

There are a few times you've said things about how DH and DS would be without you. I don't agree, they weren't at peace without you, they were asleep. You got up early and did a chore which was self care, that's great! The fact the pharmacist din't open on a sunday is annoying but not the important thing - the important thing is you were doing something proactive to help yourself.

Please don't feel like you have to answer on here, but I wonder whether you should consider what is going on in your head. How low is your mood? Are you having intrusive thoughts? Have you told DH or anyone IRL that sometimes you think they'd be better off without you?

Which, by the way, is not true. It is not true that they would benefit from a life without you. Absolutely not true.

If you are having difficult thoughts like those, and/or they are increasing, and/or hard to shake off, and/or upsetting and a little bit attractive to think about, then you should follow up with your GP. You don't need to put up with them, you really don't.

I am so sorry I seem so difficult. I wish I could make sense of what's going on in my head but I can't I just don't know how I feel.

I can't tell dh I can't tell him and hurt him in this way I am so disgusted with myself I do love him and our son but I am pretty much useless to them atm. I am such a burden on dh I didn't expect to feel like this again and I am so sorry.

I look in the mirror and don't recognise the reflection I wear the same clothes but they feel so uncomfortable to me I go through the motions physically but I'm not really there.

I could spend hours staring at nothing in particular but can't focus mind on any TV book or playing with ds. I know you must all think I'm a useless mother like my mil think it's happened for the best but I don't know how to carry on anymore.

I think I need to sleep

I'm sorry just reread that post I don't make sense I am sorry and am so grateful for all the support on this thread I am trying I promise I am trying

@Newdreams

I'm sorry just reread that post I don't make sense I am sorry and am so grateful for all the support on this thread I am trying I promise I am trying

You are doing great! Going to the Pharmacy is a very good thing and you are not silly. Ours is open on Sunday too!

Can you ask your DH to call the PALS? Its shocking that no one has been in touch with you.

No, you are misunderstanding me - I am sorry I was not more clear. I am not criticising you - I am a bit worried about you.

Here's why, from your last post:

You do not seem difficult.

You don't need to know how you feel, other than whether you feel on the whole less distressed than you did a fortnight ago.

I don't know your DH but he strikes me as a caring partner and unlikely to be disgusted with you or think you are useless. I suspect he would like to know that you are feeling so low, he sounds like he is trying to help but doesn't have all the information he needs to actually be helpful.

I doubt you are a burden.

You do not need to be sorry.

The feelings you have from the mirror and feeling unconnected are not unusual for a grieving person. If you do not feel "yourself" for long periods of time then you might want to wonder whether that is a symptom of something more than "just" grief.

Nobody thinks you are useless. Feeling a lack of focus is part of grief, that sounds normal to me. I certainly don't think you are a useless mother. I wouldn't mind having a wee chat with your MIL because I think she needs a swift kick in the shins.

This did not happen for the best. It is tragic and cruel and I'm very sorry for your loss. You did a very brave thing for the benefit of your daughter, I am in awe of your strength.

You not knowing how to carry on any more worries me a lot. It would be good if you could tell DH that. Or your GP. Or the pharmacist. Or a friend. Someone real, rather than randomers on the internet.

I think you are right, some sleep will help.

What can we do to help make your tomorrow less disorientating? There are lots of people happy to help here, but I would like you to consider whether that is enough. Maybe you should give your DH a chance to know how things really are?