Termination of pregnancy due to medical reasons

[Newdreams]

Hi I am sorry if this is in the wrong place I don't mean to offend anyone. I am 19 weeks pregnant and have been told my baby has bilateral renal agenesis, this is a fatal condition which means the baby will not survive outside the womb and currently has no amniotic fluid. I have been give the option of termination or waiting for nature to take its course (I have another thread about the build to the diagnosis) but I really wanted to know if anyone been in similar position and what did they chose to do and how did they manage to deal with the emotional side of things. My heart saying to wait bur my head is saying to opt for the termination but I feel exhausted I can't think straight and just wanted to know some other people's experiences.

Oh, and lastly, but, importantly, yes, I can see that you are trying.

I also think that you maybe aren't seeing how WELL you are doing. You aren't just trying, you are doing.

It's very early days, you have been very poorly, your DS is a bit under the weather, you are tired and you are trying very hard to manage on your own.

I wonder whether you need to do manage on your own, it sounds to me like you have lots of people who would love to hold you and help you but maybe aren't sure about what is helpful and what is intrusive.

I'm a randomer on the net, but I do wonder whether you might feel less distressed if you tell those who love you that you are feeling not so good about yourself.

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria

Oh, and lastly, but, importantly, yes, I can see that you are trying.

I also think that you maybe aren't seeing how WELL you are doing. You aren't just trying, you are doing.

It's very early days, you have been very poorly, your DS is a bit under the weather, you are tired and you are trying very hard to manage on your own.

I wonder whether you need to do manage on your own, it sounds to me like you have lots of people who would love to hold you and help you but maybe aren't sure about what is helpful and what is intrusive.

I'm a randomer on the net, but I do wonder whether you might feel less distressed if you tell those who love you that you are feeling not so good about yourself.

Omg please do not apologise to me honestly you have been so kind and helpful.

If I am brutally honest I'm scared of where I am because I have been here before not in the same circumstances but the feelings im scared of where i am but i can't tell dh or my family i cant do it to them i cant hurt them all again. I promised dh i would never allow myself to get back here but I can't hurt him and I can't look at him I have ruined everything.

I can't speak to people I was so close to I can't go beyond saying I'm fine to them. Dh has suggested a change of scenery suggested going to my mums for a few days or maybe a short break in the half term but I don't know I don't want to be around anyone I don't even know how to explain it.

I managed to do ds full nebuliser tonight but I feel shattered by the simple of tasks. Hopefully tomorrow I get some sleep.

It's 4 weeks today since I lost our daughter four weeks of unimaginable pain and emptiness. 4 weeks since our dreams were shattered but if its possible it hurts more now than then or maybe I wasn't processing it at the time but this feels scary and so out of my control.

I really am trying I really am trying i know I don't get much done but I am trying not to hurt dh and too look after ds I am trying so hard but there's nothing left I am defeated by this grief and I see no way out of this.

My mil is difficult she not a bad person but she doesn't really like me I know that much she hates dh looking after me so I know this is difficult but I am trying to make it easier for everyone.

Ds has got an eeg booked on Thursday which I will have to take him to alone because they only allow one parent and dh won't manage him in hospital. I can't rearrange it because we have had to do this 3 times already so I am trying to keep going for that but I'm scared of not managing. I feel sad for ds my poor boy didn't ask for me to be this way.

I am sorry for constantly going on. I am sorry if I have caused any offence I don't mean to at all.

I'm not offended at all. I'm a bit concerned about you.

The problem with writing is it can be tricky to be clear. So, for clarity, I think you are doing really well and I think you are putting a lot of extra pressure on yourself by trying to protect the people you love from worrying about how you are feeling.

I am still a bit concerned about how you are actually feeling. Four weeks of being bereaved of your baby is no time at all to get your head round this sadness, plus you were unwell.

Well done for getting DS's nebuliser done and for taking on the EEG. That's impressive.

Fair enough that you can't speak to your DH or other family about your feelings. Who could you speak to?

Because I think you will maybe feel a bit better if you could share this with a real person.

Hope you get some sleep tonight.

@Newdreams first op I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss, I don't think there is a harder thing to go through in this world than the loss of a child

It sounds like you are really struggling which is ok, no one can expect you to carry on like this hasn't happened BUT you do need to speak to someone ask your DH to ring the GP and book you an appointment, and try try try to speak to DH about how you are feeling! I think you will find he is feeling similar and waiting for you to reach out.

Your doing so well trying to get back into your routine with DS, I also have a child with extra needs and can't imagine how hard it must be to have to put those needs first right now.

It's ok not to be ok, but it isn't ok to think your family don't need you, they do! Speak to your gp please

I'm so sorry for your loss.you sound like an amazing Mum & woman. You've survived 4 weeks - dealing with life, trauma & illness. Be proud of that.

Can you write down how you feel to DH?

You are a wonderful Mum, @Newdreams and your family are lucky to have you. I’m so very sorry to read about the loss of your beautiful daughter, and the awful trauma you have gone through in the 4 weeks since her birth. You are amazing being able to care for your DS despite this overwhelming grief and your severe infection. You are doing amazingly to contemplate taking your DS for his EEG. Please open up to those around you and ask for the extra help you need.

Unfortunately your MIL is unable to be helpful to you. She comes from another generation when sadly, pregnancy loss and neonatal death were just swept under the carpet, and women told to get over it. We now know that this isn’t the best way to deal with the tragedy you have suffered. You need love and understanding, compassion and support, and you certainly deserve it.

With time, your hideous pain will lessen and you will begin to live again, and enjoy the love of your DH and DS. Please do not give up hope, they would be lost without you, just as you feel lost without your beautiful daughter. Please contact your GP, or ARC or SANDS, today, or ask your DH to do this if you are unable to. You do not need to feel guilty for feeling like this, this is perfectly understandable with what you are going through.

I wish I could give you a big hug. Please keep posting, we are here for you. 🌸🌻🌸🌻🌸

Thank you for showing me such kindness I honestly don't deserve it.

Dh has gone to work already. Ds not very well so won't be in school today I will have to make him a gp appointment today. He has had a really bad night his temp is so high and he is very wheezy. Dh said to let him know if I need him he will finish work early. Ds is in bed with me now his head in my arms I'm so scared I won't be able to look after him alone but I have to today. Nothing else matters. I can't be selfish I can't keep hurting everyone.

I can't speak to anyone in real life I don't feel like speaking to anyone I just want them to think I'm fine I can't bear them worrying about me I can't bear the hurt I am causing them.

Thank you for being so kind to me I know I don't deserve it but I appreciate it and I am so sorry.

Of course you deserve kindness, @Newdreams.

Of course you do.

I hear you, I can see it's all very overwhelming and difficult and you are trying to hold onto a sense of control.

If I was a bossy type I'd suggest you print this thread off, even just the last page, and hand it to your son's GP.

You don't need to feel like this. First fit your own oxygen mask, right?

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria

I hear you, I can see it's all very overwhelming and difficult and you are trying to hold onto a sense of control.

If I was a bossy type I'd suggest you print this thread off, even just the last page, and hand it to your son's GP.

You don't need to feel like this. First fit your own oxygen mask, right?

Just got back from the gp ds has got a chest infection very wheezy so given some antibiotics and steroids. His Sat's are OK for now but ds can suddenly just drop so he said to check it often through out the day and if it drops to take him to a&e. I can't believe I let him get so bad I should know better by now. Just put him back to bed now. Dh took ds for covid test yesterday but thankfully that's come back negative today so that's something at least.

Dh called said he will get back at lunchtime so I just need to get through this next hour and half till he is home. Dh said we need to talk when he gets home but its set of panic in me. I don't know what's wrong with me. I am honestly hurting him so much the poor man is stuck with me hurting him all the time.
I just want to sleep is that bad especially since ds is so ill. What's wrong with me.

I don't understand why you think you are hurting them.

Is that something DH has said?

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria

I don't understand why you think you are hurting them.

Is that something DH has said?

He just said we need to talk when he gets home. I feel so irrational just going to lie here with ds

Well, that doesn't sound like "you are hurting us" to me.

I can tell you feel irrational. Might be worth sharing that with him?

Hope DS is ok. One of mine was a frequent flyer with chest stuff, fine one minute, high drama the next. It's a tough gig.

He's fine now, by the way, my wheezy DS. Big lump of a teenager and has no lung issues at all, as long as he takes his medication. Those nebulisers do work!

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria

Well, that doesn't sound like "you are hurting us" to me.

I can tell you feel irrational. Might be worth sharing that with him?

Hope DS is ok. One of mine was a frequent flyer with chest stuff, fine one minute, high drama the next. It's a tough gig.

Dh is home but I can tell something is wrong he looks like he been crying? He isn't making eye contact with me. I'm so scared he gonna leave me his in shower now ds is dozing of to sleep.

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria

He's fine now, by the way, my wheezy DS. Big lump of a teenager and has no lung issues at all, as long as he takes his medication. Those nebulisers do work!

So glad your son is OK now gives me some hope for ds.

He has had chest and lung problems since he was 7 weeks old non stop every 2 weeks. Sometimes needing intensive care with collapsed lung. He deteriorates so fast with his chest. Not sure I can manage a hospital visit with him atm. Just hope he is OK before his eeg on Thursday.

I understand that having to go back to hospital with DS when you lost your baby so recently is very stressful. But in the unlikely event that he has to be admitted, his dad will have to stay with him.

Having a poorly child is hard at the best of times, let alone when you’ve been bereaved. Grief is so tiring.

Did DH come out the shower?

Wouldn't be surprised if he had been crying, he's also bereaved, you were proper poorly, now DS is unwell and, as I have decided that he's a smasher, then I have also decided that he'll be able to tell that you are keeping things to yourself and is probably wondering how to best help you get sleep and rest. Poor bloke is probably feeling totally wrung out.

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria

Did DH come out the shower?

Wouldn't be surprised if he had been crying, he's also bereaved, you were proper poorly, now DS is unwell and, as I have decided that he's a smasher, then I have also decided that he'll be able to tell that you are keeping things to yourself and is probably wondering how to best help you get sleep and rest. Poor bloke is probably feeling totally wrung out.

He came out of shower and told me he had contacted the midwife in charge of bereavement ward and explained he saw me hurting myself last night I am so sorry it doesn't feel real to be even saying this. He doesn't know how to help me but he doesn't want to lose me that him and ds need me.

He said he is sorry he took it out of my hands and contact the midwifes but he can't allow me to get so bad again. The midwife has arranged an appointment on the 28th February but until then to try sleeping meds and told him if I get worse to take me to a&e.

Dh is broken and I have done this to him I can't bear to see him like this I promised I wouldn't end up here again. I can't cope and don't know how to cope or see a way out of this. Dh has taken all the meds from me said he will only give me the exact dose at the time I need them. He said tonight bath tablet and bed.

He taken this week of work but said next week I can choose to either go to mums or ask mum to come stay with us but he can't leave me alone. I don't know why I am causing so much heart ache.

But all I have said was I'm fine and I am sorry to which he walked out the room. We are so close normally I am so sorry for everything I am actually just so useless at everything I am a crappy wife and equally crappy mother I don't deserve them I said before I don't deserve this kindness on the thread. I just wish it would all stop I wish I could stop hurting I wish everything qould just stop. I want to breathe again I want to feel in control again

I am sorry I am just so sorry.

How have I ended up here I should be staying strong for ds and dh yet instead once again they are having to pick the pieces I let them down everyone my daughter my son and my dh. I want to stop hurting.

Dh said I'm so engrossed in hurting myself and punishing myself that I am not seeing what it's doing to him. How can I have put him through this. I literally can't do this to him again I am so sorry.

I knew he was a smasher.

He doesn't know how to help me but he doesn't want to lose me that him and ds need me That is the important bit in your last post. There are also a lot of your thoughts which sound very hard and tiring, but look again at what your DH actually said.

He is stating that he wants you to be well and safe because he and DS need you.

You don't need to be sorry because you are not doing anything wrong. I do think it might be good to tell him even little bit more about how you have actually been feeling.

He might be able to get the appointment moved forward, the midwives have not been in touch for a whole month, it seems a bit inadequate to make you wait for other three weeks.

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria

I knew he was a smasher.

He doesn't know how to help me but he doesn't want to lose me that him and ds need me That is the important bit in your last post. There are also a lot of your thoughts which sound very hard and tiring, but look again at what your DH actually said.

He is stating that he wants you to be well and safe because he and DS need you.

You don't need to be sorry because you are not doing anything wrong. I do think it might be good to tell him even little bit more about how you have actually been feeling.

He might be able to get the appointment moved forward, the midwives have not been in touch for a whole month, it seems a bit inadequate to make you wait for other three weeks.

I can't hurt him anymore than I already have. Just a few weeks ago I was able to talk to him cry with him and suddenly I have stopped ad I can't speak to him I can't hurt him anymore. Like you said he lost our daughter to and I have been so selfish I haven't allowed him to grieve instead I have forced him to look after me I'm burdening him with all my silly stuff. I can't hurt him.

The appointment is the earliest they can see me and I'm OK with that it gives me time to sort myself out before it hopefully I can be a bit more normal for it.

I'm worried about dh how is he coping I don't know what to do to make it easier for him

Dh is truly an amazing husband and dad and I am so lucky to have him but I don't want to hurt him anymore.

My eyes are burning and I am sorry I know what I have done is disgusting I know but I'm sorry

He does sound truly amazing. He will be hurting, of course he will be, but that doesn't mean it is your fault.

You are not disgusting. I am sorry that you feel like that.

I suspect that DH sees your distress and is sad and worried about you. That is not the same as you trying to hurt him.

Would you be able to ask DH what you could do to make it easier for him?

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria

He does sound truly amazing. He will be hurting, of course he will be, but that doesn't mean it is your fault.

You are not disgusting. I am sorry that you feel like that.

I suspect that DH sees your distress and is sad and worried about you. That is not the same as you trying to hurt him.

Would you be able to ask DH what you could do to make it easier for him?

He looks broken he came up to ask if I wanted take out as he wants to order. I said no he said I have to eat something before I take the sleeping pill as haven't eaten today. There's a coldness about him today. I have ruined everything. I have totally broken him.

Ds temp has come down at least. Breathing seems a bit more settled too. Have done his nebuliser for tonight so hopefully he will be a bit more peaceful.

I miss us the us from even a few months back the strong us the unbreakable us. I miss the us with our beautiful ds and our wanted little girl I miss us I can't find my way back can I I have ruined everything.

I think you should tell him that's how you feel, you know.

I'm not convinced that you have ruined anything. It sounds like he is really trying to connect with you.

Good news about DS. Hope he has a peaceful night, you could all do with one of those.