Please help me not want to kill myself

[Mi888]

Name changed. I don't know how to go on. There is something wrong with me for sure, I think probably autism or aspergers. I can't get my life together, no matter how hard I try. I adore my daughter so much and that only compounds the issue because I can't create a good life for her. She can live with her father and my parents. This is an emotional thing in that things are very tough right now, but also systemic - things have been difficult my whole life. I am too strange to function properly. I have no relationships where I can be honest about what's happening to me. I don't want to burden anybody.

Please don’t, you are so much more loved than you can ever imagine. A close friend took their own life this year, this person was so loveable and worthy even though they just couldn’t see it. It’s heartbreaking. Your daughter needs you, there are much worse parenting crimes than the odd fag. Some people are vile and insecure and project their judge shit online just to make themselves feel better. Do email the Samaritans if you can. 💐

I’m so sorry you’re struggling OP .

You love your daughter and she loves you. That is the most important thing in the world. Please don’t give up.

Sending lots of love. You are so worth everyone’s time and energy on here. You will do it, you will get better and you are your daughter will look back on this dark time. Everyone is a bit weird, we’re all just on a spectrum of weirdness!

Have you heard of "autistic burnout", OP? It's much more common than previously thought among women with ASD, especially those who are undiagnosed and would previously have been termed "high-functioning". Essentially we "mask" our difficulties while growing up, which is hugely, constantly stressful - and we reach a point in adult life when we are so exhausted and so demoralised (because masking doesn't actually remove the ASD or stop it from fucking up our relationships) that we just can't do it any more.

This happened to me when I was about 21 - full-on systemic collapse. I couldn't function. I wanted to end it all. I may be projecting, and I hope I'm not, but I hear in your posts a lot of the sadness, frustration and hopelessness that I and other women who have experienced autistic burnout have been through.

Your daughter needs you. YOU, not sompebody else. You are probably going to be the only person who knows her as well as she knows herself. However useless you feel right now, to her you are everything. If you can't look after yourself for yourself right now, do it for her. I recommend in the New Year, if you can, find a therapist who knows about neurodivergence/autism, and try to get to the bottom of what is happening to you. Whatever it is, it is not your fault, it doesn't make you a bad mother, and it CAN get better xx

@Mi888

I'm not in the UK so can't call the Samaritans unfortunately.

Thank you for all your wonderful messages.

Just one thing I struggle with, when you're saying my daughter needs me and wouldn't be better off without me, how do I balance that against people's judgment (direct and indirect), and my own?

Like, I smoked and breastfed for instance (only had 4 a day and always washed and brushed my teeth after). That makes me feel horrifically guilty but I felt it was the only thing that was keeping me sane. On a thread about that someone said, "these people don't deserve to have children" and that really deeply affected me.

I am in a volatile relationship (not violent) that I protect her from as much as I can but doesn't that mean I am emotionally damaging her? I'm finding it really hard to get out of it because I have been so confused working out if it is my fault, or his, or what the hell is going on. I feel scared to leave as I've never lived on my own.

I can't keep a house clean but can pay for a cleaner. I can cook and manage the house, just about. I think I can do most stuff practically except I am not very good with money. But any time i have been single (only short periods) i have been erratic and seeking a lot of stimulation and end up being impulsive and a bit unstable. I always seem to need to find a romantic partner to attach to, but when I'm in a relationship I don't particularly like them or enjoy their company - I just want to be on my own, but with them 'there', if that makes sense. Maybe I'm just looking for a feeling of stability, I don't know.

I have moved house 6 times in 3 years, always to do with my relationship situation.

I have these dreams of my daughter and I in a little house, living a nice, normal life, and giving her a happy, stable childhood, but I don't know if I'm up to it.

This is why I want to kill myself. What does it matter that I love my daughter so much and would do anything to protect her? I myself am the problem so my love is probably just going to hurt her.

Maybe I just need support?

I don't know what is appropriate to ask for and what isn't.

I'm just crying here wishing I could 'do life' because regardless of how much I adore my daughter and treat her with love and care, she is going to be affected by my shit-show of a life. I feel powerless, every time I try to do it right again I fail.

I am in therapy but it all feels a bit cyclical. I had therapy before and it didn't even touch the sides.

From the earliest time I remember I have been so different. I have seen people who have gone through things much worse than I have (to be fair I have been through a lot) and come out normal and stronger. I have done about 15 years of work on my self and my self esteem and I feel like I have not improved at all.

I know you said you're not in the UK so can't phone the Samaritans but you can email and I would urge you to.

The email address [email protected]

I am a Samaritan and have emailed people from all over the world. Please reach out if you feel it would be helpful x

My mum smoked most of my childhood, she breastfed and smoked. She was in a violent (extremely violent) relationshjp. We lived in a refuge for a while. We moved house several times when I was young. She's neurodiverse.

I'm in 40s now with my own child. My mum is my absolute hero. I adore her. I look back at our life and I'm stunned by her bravery. She's told me more recently there were times when she thought about killing herself but somehow got through. And I'm so glad she did. I wouldn't have been ok with her. And I am ok, I'm happy and successful and loved. And she's been happy for many years now. It can get better, I promise you.

Dammit - I meant I wouldn't have been ok without her. I really wouldn't.

Please don't give up. Your are everything to your daughter. No-ones life is perfect but there is help out there as others have said. Please use it to get support. You are worth it.

She can live with her father and my parents

OP I was your daughter, my mother followed through. I was a toddler.
My dad remarried.
Believe me, my grandparents were fabulously kind to us and my step mother coped as best she could.

BUT nothing and no one replaces a mother and all through my life I have wanted to have known my mum. Please get help and please know you are the best mum for your daughter. Believe me.

If you kill yourself it will have a massive, negative effect on your daughter. Even if she went to live with wonderful people and somehow forgot about you. One day she'd find out how you died and it would cause her terrible pain.

I too have a young daughter and I too think about suicide every day and have for months. I keep going for her. I don't even enjoy her lately. I know she's wonderful and I love her but I get no pleasure from anything. I force myself to keep living because I brought her into this world and she is the most important thing in my world. I refuse to hurt her. I am trying my very best to get well for her, and hopefully I will get better one day and want to live for myself too.

OP, how are you doing?

for you and anyone else feeling so terribly low.

Thank you so much to everyone who replied. I read them over the last few days and cried with relief.

@sadpapercourtesan I hadn't heard of that at all, but it does feel like that's what I'm going through. For the last 16 years I felt that every time I got it wrong, if I just tried a bit harder, did something differently, it would all work out and I would suddenly make it 'alright'. But this latest time hasn't worked out and I've lost hope completely.

However, if I can see it through the lens of autism, I can offer myself a lot more care, compassion and understanding. I find most things confusing and difficult, but I have a lot of great strengths as well. I will find a way for myself, and find a way for my daughter. I can. I must.

@Hollyhead I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. Thank you so much.

@Poppins22 thank you. I don't know what to say about your mother, I just can't imagine it.

@talkalarm I am so so heartened by this, your love for your mother sounds so strong, and I know that must be because of her love for you. You give me hope, truly.

@Notgettingbetter solidarity, we will get there one day

Just read this op, everyone has given such great advice - get help, everyone at times needs some sort of help in their lives on lots of different levels. You can do this! Deep down you know you can.

Sending love x

@ArabellaScott thank you so much for asking, it's been very up and down (as usual). I've had moments where I felt I've figured this all out and everything is right with the world, and moments where I feel I can't find a way to make this right at all and my daughter would be better without me. So it's been hard. But I will perservere. I'm going to see if I can get an autism diagnosis and learn how to take care of myself better. I definitely feel a shift, like I'm getting to understand things better and things are not so 100% confusing. So that is a light for me.

That's great to hear Mi888. Keep holding onto that. Wishing you peace and joy, and to your daughter whom you clearly love very much.