Please help me not want to kill myself

[Mi888]

Name changed. I don't know how to go on. There is something wrong with me for sure, I think probably autism or aspergers. I can't get my life together, no matter how hard I try. I adore my daughter so much and that only compounds the issue because I can't create a good life for her. She can live with her father and my parents. This is an emotional thing in that things are very tough right now, but also systemic - things have been difficult my whole life. I am too strange to function properly. I have no relationships where I can be honest about what's happening to me. I don't want to burden anybody.

Please call the Samaritans. 116 123 x

Your little girl, the one you adore, she needs her mum. She may love her dad and grandparents, but believe me, she needs her mum more than anything else in the whole wide world.

Please reach out to someone, your GP, the Samaritans, a friend and talk to them. For the sake of that little girl if not yourself.

Your daughter's life will not be improved by you killing yourself, it honestly won't.

Call the Samaritans on the number given by the pp.

You are important, hang on in there.

I'm here OP.

You are worthy of living and being with your daughter. Please get some help in real life. Keep talking here x

You can do it. Our children need to learn bravery from us too

I was you just over a year ago. You are worth it and your life is worth it trust me. Its hard to see that right now but its true. Your daughter does need you and its not the same living with her dad or your parents. She loves you and you are a good mum. You have already create a good life for her.

I'm autistic and I know the functioning difficulties can be over come. Its not easy accessing the right support but it is out there I promise. Start by going to the GP in the new year. A short course of anti depressants and a referral to counseling is a start. It may seem unhelpful right now but it will make a difference. Also ask for the referral for the relevant assessments. In the immediate join some Facebook groups for adults on the spectrum. They can give you tailored advice and can be a great support. They live and have lived through some of what your experiencing. If I can give any advice feel free to message me.

You are loved and life really is worth living, you'll see that soon.

Oh love

Your daughter loves you more than anyone else in the whole world.

Please pick up the phone and call someone.

All you need to do for your little girl is stay alive, don't worry about the rest of it, that's all she needs. Call the samaritans or a doctor.

Text shout immediately on 85258... there may be a delay in answering currently but they can bring you out of this and help you feel a little calmer. They really can help.

Please call Samaritans - this feeling will pass, even though it may feel like it never will. Don't do something that can't be undone.

Look for help getting a diagnosis to help understand yourself and you will find a support network and some relief knowing you're not 'wrong', it's just a different way of being that can make things hard but you can have a good life with.

Hello op,
Sorry to hear you are struggling. Many people have undiagnosed MH conditions which make their lives really tough. Please contact your GP . You will be put in touch with your local MH support team who will be able to assess your needs and this will really help you. There is no need to suffer in silence. If you are desperate, please phone the Samaritans. Please remember, you are not alone . There is help out there. Sending you hugs.

Hello @Mi888 - we are so sorry to hear you're feeling so low. This can be a really tough time of year for lots of people for many reasons, but we want you to know that support is out there & you sound like a very loving mum to your DD.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek real-life help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Some further support links:

NHS: Where to get urgent help for mental health
NHS: Looking after your mental health
MIND: Coping with mental health problems during coronavirus

CALM: The Campaign Against Living Miserably
NHS: Help for suicidal thoughts

We're going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

Very best wishes from MNHQ.

OP, your daughter won't be ok without you. She loves you best in the whole world. Please don't do anything drastic. You are a good person, you have value. Please talk to someone in real life- the Samaritans, anyone.

Am here too. Sending love and hope. I do understand what it feels like not to want top be alive xx

Nothing ever replaces your mum.

Keep going OP

You are so precious and the world needs you, please don’t go.

I’m not neuro typical either and it’s taken me til now to begin to understand what makes me tick. There are lots of adults who have always felt like weirdos but are now finding each other online. There are techniques to cope and a community of people who understand.

Please get yourself to a place of safety. Do not be afraid to call 999 if you have suicidal thoughts.

Echo of what previous posters have said, the Samaritans really can help.

Your daughter loves you and there are so many people in the world who desperately miss their mothers. Don't let your daughter be one of them.

There is something wrong with me for sure, I think probably autism or aspergers

Perhaps this is something you could seek support for, find others who have similar difficulties functioning?

Call the Samaritans, I know if you have never done it the thought can be scary but I called for the first time this year and they were truly excellent. You don’t want to burden friends but you can be honest with the Samaritans and they won’t be shocked.

Not just your daughter, the world needs articulate, perceptive, loving women like you. Please get help. Sending love.

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Well done for posting and putting your feelings down in writing - you will get lots of support.

Please do call the number posted above. It will help even more to talk.

Your little girl needs you and loves you and her life will be so much worse without you in it.

You will not always feel like this. You don’t have to do this alone. There is help out there.

Unmumsnetty hugs to you xx

Lovie, no one ever said "yeah, my parent killed themselves but I didn't mind."

Loving her and being there for her is the best way to create a good life for her, anything else is just window dressing.

Call the Samaritans now.

I'm not in the UK so can't call the Samaritans unfortunately.

Thank you for all your wonderful messages.

Just one thing I struggle with, when you're saying my daughter needs me and wouldn't be better off without me, how do I balance that against people's judgment (direct and indirect), and my own?

Like, I smoked and breastfed for instance (only had 4 a day and always washed and brushed my teeth after). That makes me feel horrifically guilty but I felt it was the only thing that was keeping me sane. On a thread about that someone said, "these people don't deserve to have children" and that really deeply affected me.

I am in a volatile relationship (not violent) that I protect her from as much as I can but doesn't that mean I am emotionally damaging her? I'm finding it really hard to get out of it because I have been so confused working out if it is my fault, or his, or what the hell is going on. I feel scared to leave as I've never lived on my own.

I can't keep a house clean but can pay for a cleaner. I can cook and manage the house, just about. I think I can do most stuff practically except I am not very good with money. But any time i have been single (only short periods) i have been erratic and seeking a lot of stimulation and end up being impulsive and a bit unstable. I always seem to need to find a romantic partner to attach to, but when I'm in a relationship I don't particularly like them or enjoy their company - I just want to be on my own, but with them 'there', if that makes sense. Maybe I'm just looking for a feeling of stability, I don't know.

I have moved house 6 times in 3 years, always to do with my relationship situation.

I have these dreams of my daughter and I in a little house, living a nice, normal life, and giving her a happy, stable childhood, but I don't know if I'm up to it.

This is why I want to kill myself. What does it matter that I love my daughter so much and would do anything to protect her? I myself am the problem so my love is probably just going to hurt her.

Maybe I just need support?

I don't know what is appropriate to ask for and what isn't.

I'm just crying here wishing I could 'do life' because regardless of how much I adore my daughter and treat her with love and care, she is going to be affected by my shit-show of a life. I feel powerless, every time I try to do it right again I fail.

I am in therapy but it all feels a bit cyclical. I had therapy before and it didn't even touch the sides.

From the earliest time I remember I have been so different. I have seen people who have gone through things much worse than I have (to be fair I have been through a lot) and come out normal and stronger. I have done about 15 years of work on my self and my self esteem and I feel like I have not improved at all.

Hi OP. I volunteer for the Samaritans, I am very glad people have mentioned us on here. Being outside of the UK does stop you calling us BUT you can email, if you think you would find that helpful. We have plenty who do email us from outside of the UK. The email is [email protected]

What does it matter that I love my daughter so much and would do anything to protect her? I myself am the problem so my love is probably just going to hurt her.

Killing yourself is going to damage your daughter permanently - it will overshadow every single day of her life. You can not do that to her.