Samaritans are engaged

[colouringindoors]

can someone please talk to me. all their volubteers are on the phone

Just checking in with you Glad you've managed to have a good chat with a friend today. Offloading is good - no matter how crazy you think you sound!
Takeaway sounds such a good idea! It's really hot here too. I've been working in the garden all day, cutting bloody great hedges and feel shattered. I've bought a bottle of wine to sit in the garden with. The kids are both doing their own thing.

Ah wow well done I have a lot of hedges so know what that's like! Thanks for checking in. Wine sounds really good - enjoy

Thank you 😊 What are you going to do tonight?

I fancy some cold wine now! But that would mean getting off garden chair! Can't get excited about food tho I know I need to eat

Just read your thread and wanted to say I really hope you manage to get some more support soon.

Also if you ever find yourself unable to get through to the Samaritans, the SHOUT text helpline is brilliant...I've used them a few times.

giveusashout.org/

85258

🤣 it's worth it though! I always drink red and then today I bought a bottle of rosè... it's been lovely sat in the garden with it! I don't often buy myself wine to have at home as I can totally see how easy it would be to slip into having a few, every night! I bought a new book, after seeing it discussed on here about Covid. It's too heavy for me to focus on right now though!
But, I'm sat here with my wine, in the sunshine, listening to the birds. And also to a family that are having the most lovely time together - the grandparents have had a bbq for their adult kids and their children. They're all playing party games and sound like they're having such a laugh! It's lovely to hear but at the same time it's so poignant. It makes that lonely part of my heart yearn for the family times, even through rose tinted glasses.
I might watch a bit of tv later. I started a film on Netflix last night, was all a bit odd but I tried to stay with it - then about 15 minutes towards the end it took a total twist and I was too scared to finish it 🤣 Called 'Strange but true.' Not sure I'd recommend it! So then I started a BBC drama called 'The Pact,' was a bit more bearable 🤣

Thanks happyinheels I smiled picturing your scene 😊 I now have cold wine, crisps and sm in the garden. Sun's behind the rooftops but its a beautiful evening. Lots of birdsong. Tryimg out a Spotify Strong Women playlist! Was trying to work out why some of my friends and family can't see/don't believe me about my ex, whereas others are more open. I messaged a friend saying things had been tough recently, listing a few things inc ex, she respobded to other things, but not that. People don't believe me/think I'm being a drama queen. Maybw I am, it's not like a big donestic sbuse situation. But it feels like gaslighting. Friend I saw today asked why didn't I ask him (about fact he's not helping ds at all with schoolwork). I can't face raising stuff with him. It gets me nowhere except more distressed. I emailed my siblings earlier in the week re same issue. One of my brothers said oh well you do have very high standards (ie I was the issue) really upset me.

Ooo crisps you say... 😬 ponders moving from the garden to the shop...
I'm not sure how to switch between replying and rereading your message to make sure I respond to your points so I apologise if I miss things!
Your comment about not getting excited about food, some people stress eat and some totally lose their appetite. I was like you, I couldn't eat. I just had a knot in my tummy permanently and felt sick at the thought of food. I lost so much weight. Just eat what you fancy, when you fancy. Tough as that is. I could go without food for so long. It's not good but it is what it is. My appetite is always the first thing to go in times of stress.

I hear what you're saying about your ex... I learnt early on that I sounded unhinged, the bitter ex wife when I tried to explain to people how my ex really was. Some people already saw it and others couldn't, and wouldn't ever see it. I know how it is to have those feelings eating away at you, of unfairness, anger, bitterness, hurt, exhaustion, injustice. I could go on. It's hard to let it go isn't it? But somehow you will. Somehow you will let it go. The anger and pain will lessen over time. It won't go away for a very long time but it will gradually lessen as you become stronger xx

And! I love music! Great idea about strong women song list! Who knows, you may get on your feet in the garden and shake your stuff while shouting singing karaoke-esque style to ' I will survive!' And please, point with vigour at the 'so now go' part!! And if you could somehow imbue Bonnie Langford kind of theatricals to when you get to the 'I will survive' bit please?!

Also - there's nothing wrong with high standards 😬 Maybe yours are, in comparison to your brothers but it's irrelevant. Your ex is a knob who isn't being a Dad to his kids right now and you're carrying way more than anyone should have to!

I finished last Episode of ER last night which I love and had kept me company for several months. Don't know what to watch now.

Some people already saw it and others couldn't, and wouldn't ever see it. I know how it is to have those feelings eating away at you, of unfairness, anger, bitterness, hurt, exhaustion, injustice. I could go on. It's hard to let it go isn't it? But somehow you will. Somehow you will let it go. The anger and pain will lessen over time. It won't go away for a very long time but it will gradually lessen as you become stronger xx

thank you so much, that really helps. Just had these messages from my dd who's at his...

@colouringindoors

I finished last Episode of ER last night which I love and had kept me company for several months. Don't know what to watch now.

I binge watched Grays Anatomy when I was at my worst. Have your ever watched it? It's so good!

@colouringindoors

Some people already saw it and others couldn't, and wouldn't ever see it. I know how it is to have those feelings eating away at you, of unfairness, anger, bitterness, hurt, exhaustion, injustice. I could go on. It's hard to let it go isn't it? But somehow you will. Somehow you will let it go. The anger and pain will lessen over time. It won't go away for a very long time but it will gradually lessen as you become stronger xx

thank you so much, that really helps. Just had these messages from my dd who's at his...

So uncanny - my own DD could have written that! Straight away it ignites the anger inside you. So much manipulation in those actions. There's nothing that you can do about it either. You could get on the phone to him and have a go but why give him that satisfaction and what would it achieve? All you can do is respond appropriately to your dd, as much as you want to call him a waste of space and more! Instances like these just mess with you even further and it's important that you send a measured response back rather than an infuriated one. Hard as that is!

I would def be dancing and jumping (tho prob indoors) if it wasn't for my f$%king back...

yes exactly!!!!

I've asked her to try and talk to him and if i have to come and get her it has to be soon.

because i want another glass of wine (bad parent but this is my only night my dcs aren't here)

i don't want to talk to him. if i never had to talk to him again that would be great.

waving hello because I've been in dark places too.
but sounds like you're having a nice night, with crisps and vino in the garden. just try to hold on to memories like that, to remind yourself life isn't always black.
x

thank you x I really, really appreciate people's comments x

Hi OP hope your doing OK!
What's your dosage of sertraline now? It took me a good while to feel good on it and was up to 200mg at Xmas but Dr brought it back down to 150mg and its really helped. So hopefully the upage will start to help you a bit more.
I wasn't really into music until I found Baillie Eilish... Some say it's depressing but I find it quite comforting knowing its not just "me" who feels shitty.... I am far too old to be a Billie Eilish die hard fan but its happened

Can your DD get a bus home maybe?

She's cool! Dd is a young ASD dd16 so will need a driver. But she's decided she will talk her dad soon and if she still wants to come home he'll have to take her! He's such a dickhead.

I'm on 100mg at the mo, going up to 150 tomorrow...

He does sound like an utter cock stain!

Am sure your DD will be fine, she is starting to see his true colours by the sounds of it.

Go listen to lost cause new song by billie eilish you can dedicate it to your knobhead ex.

ha! thank you. Yes she is, poor thing x

dd is home

@colouringindoors hope you’re having a better day x Good series to binge watch are some of the bbc or itv drama. Innocent and unforgotton are both brilliant 👍