Samaritans are engaged

[colouringindoors]

can someone please talk to me. all their volubteers are on the phone

Hi
I've been in the system for over a year, been having therapy on and off and I still feel low a lot of the time.
Please keep reaching out to people. I always feel embarrassed and like I'm letting the side down but my family wanted to know.
I'm here to talk.

I’m here too and happy to talk to you. Sending love also x

I can talk the hind legs off a donkey. Let me know when you'd like me to shut up 🤪

How old are you?

I'm 52 it sucks. I don't know what age I'd be given the choice, and I don't want to not have done anything Ive done and I'd do most if it again if I could but I'd cram more in!

What have you done today? I went to the lake it was nice but my knees are fucked and I was too embarsssed to rent a kayak & not be able to get in it🙄🙄

@colouringindoors

how long can a person survive feeling this utterly awful.

As long as it takes until they don't 🍫

Do you like to cook?

Oh thank you ❤
I've felt so alone today, up til just now. I'm very nearly 50. My ex talks the talk with ds' school and hospital team. But he doesn't walk the walk. He's a shit parent but I am burnt out from trying to do all the parenting inc lot of homeschooling due to ds' FND. i asked ex today to help ds revise. He tried to weasel out of it. I don't reckon he helped ds. This is just one tiny aspect of this toxic man whos Bipolar gave ds and I ptsd and whose general emotional dysfunction and ASD traits feel like I'm being constantly gaslighted. And I can't say what I want to say to him as I freeze. So I am full of RAGE. I am gerally a very kind, caring oerson. But I HATE him. He's smugky decorating and furnishing his new house, doing almost no parenting, not working. While I'm trying to hang on to my job and been in constantvpain for year from back injury incurred lifting ds wheelchair. His legs stop working sometimes from the PTSD - FND. I blame my ex for this too. I feel broken mentally and physically.

@colouringindoors my partner is using meditation among other things to manage very poor mental health and avoid suicidal feelings. I don't know if this is any help but alongside medication and therapy its helping him to live a more normal life. Doing creative things also helps him cope. This is some of what's been helping.

thanks, glad it's helping your partner. I use music a lot. I can do a bit of meditation when it's guided and no big quiet spaces - lots of trauma memories resurface . I use Calm app sleep stories at night.

That sounds really tough x I find walking with a podcast really helps me when I’m feeling bad. I literally pound out my feelings on the pavement, sometimes I jog but mostly just a lovely long walk. Easier said than done but hating him is using up too much of your energy. When things get on top of me I do a list with not much on it but including something nice and I just tick it off and that’s the day out of the way until I get to a day when I feel a bit more on top of things. You sound like you’re doing a great job with your ds. I don’t know what FND is but homeschooling is tough at the best of times .. can you get some support with that? X

thanks yes I would have gone for a stomp in the past but my back injury currently rules that out. Which is not good esp re the rage.

FND Functional Neurological Disorder- like a software problem, malfunction of nervous system. Sometimes his legs don't work, sometimes he has severe nerve pain in a part of his body. In his case, arising from ptsd. Basically his brain got fried by multiple trauma.

You must be exhausted which doesn’t help your mental state at all. Do you get any respite at all? Any family that can help you out on a regular basis?

i emailed my siblings this evening saying please help re the situation with ex and ds' schooling. One of my brothers replied saying it sounded frustrating, maybe my standards were too high re ds revision. I keep reaching out but I dont kniw if I'm not being clear how bad i am, i thought i sounded pretty unhinged. i don't know, I've had troubles for years now due to ex's bipolar. maybe they're just all tired of me. cant say I'd blame them, I'm tired of me.

i work mon-wed. currently on reduced hoyrs due to pain. Ex has ds tue wed but doesn't help with his education.

I’m sorry you’re not getting so much support. How old is your DS? I would say at the moment your mental health needs to have the priority over revision and school work although I appreciate that’s your worry x could you afford a tutor or could grandparents help with that? Just a thought… x

I'm sorry you're struggling so much OP. Have you been on sertraline long?

yeah my therapist said same yesterday re my mental health over ds education. i find it so hard not to help him. He's yr8. Has missed 2/3 lessons in 7 and 8. His dad today has not helped him at all .

tutor is option, but so many subjects...

been on anti ds for quite a few years now, due to stress of ex's then undiagnosed bipolar inc almist successful suicide attempt (he went missing one morning, i called 999) and massive psychotic breakdown 3 years (called 999 at 10am as thought he was going to garm me). Sectioned both times. Switched to Sertraline a year ago. Has helped but ex newly living his "best life" not parenting even though he's not working, encapsulated by him.moving into his new house last month has totally fried my brain

I bet he isn’t really living his best life at all and is probably just trying to rub it in. I once read a quote that said ‘holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die’. In terms of you ex I guess not expecting anything of him at all may be your best option and then any thing he does is a bonus. Don’t give him that power over you. You are obviously a brilliant mum to care so much but when you are feeling so low you really need to just congratulate yourself on getting through a day with doing the basics. Is everyone fed then tick that’s your list for the day. Tomorrow maybe add something else but don’t let pressure on yourself. You will get there. Listen to a song by Sia called flames … the lyrics are brilliant x

Oh god that sounds incredibly stressful.

I'm sorry your friends & siblings don't really seem to be actually listening to you 😠

Your ex is clearly a frustrating element. I think maybe accepting that his basic use is respite care -rather than any schooling/parenting. ?!

Ex living his 'best life'. ...yeah sure. If your saying it, you're not doing it!!

terrible sleep. but nice email from my SIL.

Just seen this thread, I'm so sorry you're going through this. It might help to increase your sertraline, I'm also on this and it's made a huge difference. Keep reaching out. What did your SIL say? It sounds like she cares about you a lot.

thank you x I'm due to speak with GP tomorrow re Sertraline. On the phone which I'm not happy about but that's another story...

SIL She was sympathetic re how i am feeling and the very difficult situation I have with my ds, his education and my awful ex. She had some suggestions but my brain is so fried I can't take in what she wrote. I want to tell the world what a fake my ex is but i fear i won't be believed (wasnt in past re sharing concerns about his mental health) and don't want to make things harder for myself. The urge to do something is strong as part if an attempt to try and inprove the nightmare that I'm living in. I really feel like I'm loosing my mind.

Hi, I didn't want to read and run. I'm so sorry that everything feels so overwhelming right now.
I know that it is difficult re your ex. As hard as it is, somehow you have to shut yourself off to what he is doing and how he is behaving. Clearly you can't rely on him to parent or support you so take him out of the equation otherwise it's going to continue to eat you up and destroy you. Just focus on you and your son.
Is there any way that you could get a bit of time off work on the sick?
Can school offer any more support?
Single parenting is tough enough without everything else you're having to cope with.
You can get through this. I promise you. It doesn't feel like it right now I know. I am 5 years on and never thought I'd make it this far. Sending a massive hug. Keep reaching out. X

I'm sorry colouring, that sounds so tough. Is there anyone who can be with you? Or something that might distract you a bit for a while, even something silly like a jigsaw puzzle?

thanks happyinheels I'm trying to get more suppirt from school. They've really failed him and that makes me angry too. I work mon - wed and actually its better for me to have a bit of distraction and some adult company. I'm on reduced hours cos of my back. When i go home i don't know what to do with myself.