I don't have ADHD, so what the hell wrong with me?

[Darkdarkdeeds]

I will try to keep this short. I am 41 and pretty much a walking disaster area. Chronically disorganised, messy, always end up stressed and overworked in jobs owing to being disorganised and not being able to manage my time, always end up having to spend extra money on postage etc because I haven't allowed enough time for mailing a present for example, got a 2:2 in my degree despite being very academically able because I just couldn't get my shit together. The list goes on.

I have some traits of inattentive ADHD, and I'll admit, I was hoping that would give me some answers as to why I am so useless. My gut feeling though is that I don't have it. Some aspects definitely don't fit me, I am very rarely late to appointments or forget them as long as they are in my diary. I am more likely to be early as I overestimate the time it will take to get somewhere and feel incredibly anxious about being late. I don't think I struggle with following instructions either. In a way I can be organised, I have set up a thousand different systems, each time thinking this will be the one which keeps me on track, only for it to fall by the wayside within days or weeks. I am very detail oriented and if anything get overly bogged down in details to the point of inaction.

I feel so ashamed that I am so useless as a human being that I would almost wish to have a disorder/condition many people struggle with. Does anyone out there feel the same? Have you found any strategies which have helped?

I am in the incredibly fortunate position that I fell in love with someone who has his shit together. He has a tendency towards mess which isn't ideal but he doesn't really care, whereas my inability to keep things tidy is a source of anxiety and shame to me. We have a lovely house thanks to DH's job, financially I have contributed very little, even less since I was made redundant. I have somehow managed to avoid being fired ever despite really struggling work wise. I have tended to compensate by working ridiculous hours/weekends etc to try to keep my head above water.

I don't really know why I am posting, maybe in the hope that someone will tell me I'm not just a failure. I have 2 children and I am terrified that they will grow up like me or not fulfill their potential because of my inability to be organised. My mum and dad are both incredibly together as are my sisters so I'm this weird black sheep of the family.

Anyway thank you if you somehow waded through that brain dump and still more if you have any suggestions or even just reply.

It sounds like you struggle with executive function OP, I'm the same. The minute i put something down it's lost. I have to write a list of reminders if I want to have a chance of remembering something, my house is always untidy not matter what and I have a long history of leaving the keys in the door.
ADHD, ASD, dyspraxia and dyslexia are all linked and I think poor executive function could probably be part of all/any of them.

Ive booked a telephone appt with my GP to ask for a referral to psychiatry UK under the right to choose scheme. Does anyone know how long it takes to get an appointment with them via this route?

I messaged yesterday and have an appointment for the 5th May, Adiron.

I could have had an appointment sooner, but, I wanted a female psychiatrist.

I am impressed with how many psychiatrists and appointments they have. And, the admin seems efficient. unlike me

OMG Mrs YES totally. A pinball machine, that’s exactly it. And the overload from it makes me want to curl up in a ball and hide under my weighted blanket.

Sometimes my brain goes so fast (I do NOT mean that in a “look I’m so clever” way) that I have to suddenly try and backtrack to understand why different feelings have come up. It’s like I’m in a car speeding along, then realising I’ve seen something important, screeching to a halt and reversing.

Although to overdo the analogy a bit, it also feels like the road isn’t just a normal road but more like spaghetti junction with a gazillion different options as to where to reverse 😬

I love the junction analogy! Yes!
I feel my brain is a toddler trying to run when it can barely walk.
To be fair very occasionally the fast thinking works to my advantage but mostly it’s just overwhelming. A duvet may have been involved today...

I have a long history of leaving the keys in the door.

I thought this was just me! I also have left my car unlocked outside more often than I would like to admit to DP

My analogy would be that it is like when you’re on a ride at a theme park and you try to focus on the faces of the people on the ground. It’s just a blur

I am interested if anyone can answer a question about the science behind adhd and if there is a link to post pregnancy.

I have discussed this with many people but no one has ever found theirselves in the same situation.

After I gave birth to ds for about 2 years my mind just couldn’t think. I forgot even simple things that I do everyday like making a cup of coffee or how to drive a car or how to pay a bill or write out a cheque.

I didn’t feel depressed I actually felt very happy but I couldn’t focus on anything. I could look after ds and dd but anything else was just not happening. But then my brain would panic that I was so absent minded I would leave dc in a shop or walk out of a shop without paying or do something really bad by mistake.
I spent those 2 years being ecstatic to panic stricken and then back to ecstatic.

I have read that if you have adhd you have less dopamine in your system. Does it drop after pregnancy

And could it affect someone to that extent.

@Bythemillpond I think I've read that it can surge after a stressful life event so on that basis it would make sensd

I have never met anyone that this has happened to. I think my friend was thinking I was joking when I rang her to ask how you make a cup of coffee. It doesn’t say anything on the label.

ADHD is definitely affected by hormones. Here's a good article by Additude magazine
which explains in more detail www.additudemag.com/women-hormones-and-adhd/ but estrogen promotes the release of dopamine and serotonin. After childbirth hormone levels which had been rising in pregnancy drop, so it makes sense that ADHD symptoms would worsen.

Yep any hormone changes send me “extra adhd” for a bit - periods, breastfeeding changes etc

Plus when you have a new baby it’s a massive step up in responsibility, more to manage - puts our already limited ability to cope under much more pressure! For women especially that seems to be the tipping point from getting by to “whoa what the hell is wrong with me, why can’t I Adult?”

OP listen! Just because you don't have every sign of ADHD, or have some traits that seem un-ADHD-like, does NOT mean that you don't have it.

There are four quite distinct types of ADHD - and some symptoms within each type actively contradict symptoms in other types.

Perfectionism/detail-obsession, for example, goes completely against the 'chaotic' tendencies more often associated with ADHD. One can even be perfectionist in some areas (perhaps things you care about or have been socialised to care about) and wildly chaotic in others.

I was diagnosed at the age of 50 and your description matches mine almost exactly - especially these bits (which you think are un-ADHD-like):
"Some aspects definitely don't fit me, I am very rarely late to appointments or forget them as long as they are in my diary. I am more likely to be early as I overestimate the time it will take to get somewhere and feel incredibly anxious about being late. I don't think I struggle with following instructions either. In a way I can be organised, I have set up a thousand different systems, each time thinking this will be the one which keeps me on track, only for it to fall by the wayside within days or weeks. I am very detail oriented and if anything get overly bogged down in details to the point of inaction."

Women present very differently, and that is partly because female socialisation is so strong that they will move heaven and earth to compensate for their 'shameful' failings.

PLEASE get yourself assessed - I would bet my house on you having ADHD. If you are like me you will go through a period of real sadness - literally, feeling sorry for your self, and all the blaming and judgement from self and others, that you've experienced. After that, self-judgment will start to dissipate and it is LIBERATING.

Best of luck - feel free to DM if you wish.
@Darkdarkdeeds

And now I see that I have missed a page and you are already with the programme ;-)

Thanks for taking the time to add your perspective Litcrit. It is appreciated. Now just have to overcome the crappy executive function enough to book an appointment!

to me this sounds like possible dyspraxia may be something to look into

@Darkdarkdeeds

ADHD is definitely affected by hormones. Here's a good article by Additude magazine which explains in more detail www.additudemag.com/women-hormones-and-adhd/ but estrogen promotes the release of dopamine and serotonin. After childbirth hormone levels which had been rising in pregnancy drop, so it makes sense that ADHD symptoms would worsen.

This would make sense as my “issues” have got progressively worse in life - post natal “depression” - although never sad - just wired and tired, frantic and numb - and then peri menopause and now post menopause if my hormones are gone for good it would explain how I have almost checked out / burnt out. Might try HRT - never considered ADHD just thought I had intractable low mood / swinging moods / demotivation and depression - seriously now wondering if I have mild cognitive impairment that could lead to dementia. Will have a look at ADHD - interestingly many of my male cousins / brother / uncles have ADHD (not diagnosed but all of the behaviours in school and adulthood).

Sssloou dementia was what it felt like. Not remembering how to do simple tasks I have been doing all my life.
One half of my brain was happy and forgetful
The other half was in blind panic that I was so happy and forgetful and where that might lead

Dd was supposed to have her assessment today. The letter said it was going to be a phone appointment instead of a face to face meeting

After waiting 3 months for the appointment they told her this morning that they had made a mistake and it was supposed to be a face to face meeting. She now has to wait another 6 months for another appointment.

I knew it was too good to be true that the NHS could actually get something right.

Feeling pissed off for her.

That really is shocking. I would not wait for 6 months. Tell them your DD is hugely distressed already and THEIR mistake has negatively impacted her MH. Insist that they reschedule F2F sooner.

I have just rung to see when my appointment is and had they received my forms as I hadn’t heard anything.

Apparently the fact they have received my form will only get put on my records when I have my face to face assessment so they don’t know where my form is until then. I might never get a face to face assessment because they have lost my form.

Really really pissed off

This isn’t about lack of money going into the NHS. This is just incompetence and stupid systems that are in place.

I have never had anything from the NHS that didn’t involve a battle and a lot of wasted time

That’s so awful 🤬
My psychiatrist has made many mistakes, even writing prescriptions wrong so they couldn’t be issued, the admin there is rubbish too

www.verywellmind.com/add-symptoms-in-women-20394
ADHD presents differently in women