I don't have ADHD, so what the hell wrong with me?

[Darkdarkdeeds]

I will try to keep this short. I am 41 and pretty much a walking disaster area. Chronically disorganised, messy, always end up stressed and overworked in jobs owing to being disorganised and not being able to manage my time, always end up having to spend extra money on postage etc because I haven't allowed enough time for mailing a present for example, got a 2:2 in my degree despite being very academically able because I just couldn't get my shit together. The list goes on.

I have some traits of inattentive ADHD, and I'll admit, I was hoping that would give me some answers as to why I am so useless. My gut feeling though is that I don't have it. Some aspects definitely don't fit me, I am very rarely late to appointments or forget them as long as they are in my diary. I am more likely to be early as I overestimate the time it will take to get somewhere and feel incredibly anxious about being late. I don't think I struggle with following instructions either. In a way I can be organised, I have set up a thousand different systems, each time thinking this will be the one which keeps me on track, only for it to fall by the wayside within days or weeks. I am very detail oriented and if anything get overly bogged down in details to the point of inaction.

I feel so ashamed that I am so useless as a human being that I would almost wish to have a disorder/condition many people struggle with. Does anyone out there feel the same? Have you found any strategies which have helped?

I am in the incredibly fortunate position that I fell in love with someone who has his shit together. He has a tendency towards mess which isn't ideal but he doesn't really care, whereas my inability to keep things tidy is a source of anxiety and shame to me. We have a lovely house thanks to DH's job, financially I have contributed very little, even less since I was made redundant. I have somehow managed to avoid being fired ever despite really struggling work wise. I have tended to compensate by working ridiculous hours/weekends etc to try to keep my head above water.

I don't really know why I am posting, maybe in the hope that someone will tell me I'm not just a failure. I have 2 children and I am terrified that they will grow up like me or not fulfill their potential because of my inability to be organised. My mum and dad are both incredibly together as are my sisters so I'm this weird black sheep of the family.

Anyway thank you if you somehow waded through that brain dump and still more if you have any suggestions or even just reply.

Sing, forgive me but I can't remember what you said about getting diagnosed, someone upthread mentioned needing to present evidence that this is not something which is recent. Did you have to do that?

I was writing this reply and DH came in and asked me what I was doing so I kind of told him everything. He was really understanding about it even though I suspect internally he might have had this face . It does feel better to have told him anyway.

You have a lot of stuff going on , perhaps it’s all too much. Pick one thing to do a set it fine then move on, this will lesson your worries . Work through the test if the stuff one at a time. Remind yourself that you’re being proactive

I don’t have any old school reports. Everything was destroyed in a fire and I am NC with my family

I think my depression because of my jobs and other things will be on my medical records
I did have a stomach ulcer when I was 11 (diagnosed at 14) I think through stress of trying to be a normal school pupil who stayed sitting in class and listened and looked like they were focussing and doing homework that seemed to take me hours per subject (3 subjects each night).
My overall feeling looking back was I was really really stressed and just wanted to run away

I didn’t submit any evidence for my assessment but requirements really seem to vary by area. When I had my autism assessment she spoke to my parents.

With the ADHD I just had two appts, we talked about life now and my childhood. Between the two, I filled in a questionnaire that had a lot of space for details and examples, as opposed to just a tick box thing. That was an NHS psychiatrist, she isn’t an adhd specialist (I wanted to see one but there isn’t locally)

@SingToTheSky

Thanks cyw that’s really helpful 💐

I know what you mean bythe - it’s one of those things people tell you to do when you’re disorganised. Just set an alarm, they say. It’s easy, they say.

It’s really only since being medicated that I’m capable of using things like alarms and lists more effectively, because I have the improved EF skills to cope with them.

Years ago I used to have medication to take in the evenings. I obviously set an alarm but it wasn’t enough. In the time between the alarm going off, and going to the medicine cupboard, I would usually forget 😳 and then DH at some point would say, you took your meds right? “SHIIIIT not again” 😳

Have you heard of the "alarmy" app?

You set it up so that you have to scan a barcode or QR code (can be one you cut off a cereal pack) to disable the alarm. Then you stick the barcode somewhere like the medicine cabinet or by the kettle for the morning alarm if you struggle to get up and keep hitting snooze.

I downloaded it the other day but haven't set it up yet, but I think it could be quite good for me.

Oh wow, that is genius! I’ll have a look now, thank you.

May well download the app and then get distracted and forget about it for a while, but I will try, promise :o

These threads come up periodically and I always resonate with so much. I haven't RTFT, just OPs posts, so apologies if Right to Choose has been mentioned, but if you have trouble waiting for an assessment in England you can ask for Right to Choose and use Psychiatry UK for an assessment.

I was dx w.Inattentive ADHD. I scored very low in some areas and higher in others. Did well at school (although my early school reports weren't great). Unravelled in my degree. Was not at a good point when I got diagnosed.

I don't take medication every day but it is a god send when I need it. I have learned more strategies, which are basically simplifying, simplifying, simplifying, having reminders at the point of use, making reminders manual. I have a long list of strategies I've tried and practised for my main issues which are managing workload, managing emotions and PMT/post period fatigue.

Don't try and fix yourself, just try and get rid of the obstacles, come up with bespoke but simple strategies, aim for good enough not perfection.

Alarmy is great! You can make it so you have to take a photo of the sink, kettle etc. to turn it off.

I also use Alexa a LOT.

Op,my parents don't really believe I have it, and DM thinks I was looking for something to blame. Adhd just doesn't make things easier, thats all.

I’ve not even wasted my time telling my parents. Or anyone else for that matter other than my husband.

I’ve seen it go wrong for far too many people. Would advise people not to.

I can imagine my parents being initially quite defensive about the fact that they never picked it up. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it though.

The thing about whoever is doing the diagnosis wanting historic evidence is to help them see that you've had difficulties with the traits of that condition since childhood.

Some adults looking for a diagnosis cannot provide that, some peoples' parents are no longer alive or they are estranged, or they would cause an almighty fuss and deny the condition's existence in their family, but their diagnosis can still go ahead and it's left to the clinician to decide.

Very interested to read this thread as I have always suspected DD1 has ADHD having been diagnosed with OCD age 10. We managed to address it with a therapist so it wasn't so intrusive for her and after a year she seemed to be OCD-free. She is now 16 and it does still govern her behaviour in some ways (yesterday she asked I didn't take her laundry out of the washing machine so it wasn't mixed with the air/cooking smells from the kitchen) but not so she can't function well and if anything she seems to have a very high EQ which helps her manage her anxiety. I haven't taken her for an official dx of ADHD as she has always coped well but having been suggested she may not thrive in the sixth form at the very academic school she is at, it has got me thinking about whether it may be helpful. I have long suspected DH has ADD but his response to her dx of OCD tells me he would never contemplate finding out because of the perceived stigma. He is also less keen on me investigating whether she has ADHD but reading your thread does suggest there is some merit to being aware so thank you for asking the Q.

As for parents overlooking the signs, I often think of Tony Atwood whose son was in prison for drugs offences before he realised (with his daughter who works with autistic children) that he had overlooked his son's Aspergers. It is so difficult to see these things objectively which is why threads like this are so helpful.

Wishing the OP all the best going forwards.

For those who are hesitating about seeking diagnosis because they are worried about being dismissed or that there is 'nothing wrong' with them, I found this mini adhd coach post on instagram helpful. Hopefully that link will work but it basically says 'A negative ADHD diagnosis can also be helpful, it can help you to understand yourself better (your struggles are still valid) And you can continue to investigate why you are struggling'. The key bit for me is your struggles are still valid.

www.instagram.com/p/CKHjnI8q49r/?igshid=14gvysoykssud

I think I have inattentive adhd. Always feel like other people are more organised than me and when I try and go at their pace it feels like my brain is in a washing machine

I had my secondary school reports for when I got my autism diagnosis.

Unfortunately my mum died a few years ago so couldn't provide any evidence. Though she claimed my late brother was just a naughty boy when I think it's pretty obvious he had adhd. So I'm not sure she would have been supportive, despite never judging my kids on their diagnoses.

My school reports were all about how quiet I was and unorganised and I never did any homework.

I'm not sure about medication. I have a probably irrational fear of drugs, so don't like taking them (even painkillers, I try not to unless I really have to) I worry I'll be the one to drop dead from side effects. At least it meant I was never tempted to try illegal drugs.

Aaaaaargh forgot to call the GP at 8. Will have to try again tomorrow. Unless you call at 8 on the dot there's basically no point. Setting alarm for tomorrow now!

My parents are coming to visit tomorrow which has triggered some major anxiety. We're going for a walk as we have builders in the garden but they will no doubt have to come in to use the loo and the house is a tip. Need to start cleaning and tidying the bits they will see but currently paralysed into inaction.

Oh no dark! Is it definitely not worth trying to phone? It has been similar with our surgery at times but it seems to have become easier lately as they have the option of phone appointments etc. Cancellations too (at ours you can phone after 2pm for those). Still, if you don’t feel able to try today that’s really ok too 💐

Sorry you are worrying about your parents seeing the house. I am lucky in a way that my parents were always messy too so I don’t worry about judgment from them about it, but I totally get the fear of visitors etc. Is the loo upstairs? I’d just shove things behind closed doors for now if you need to - at least covid means they can’t come in for a house tour or something. Cleaning in and round the toilet/basin and making sure there’s a clean towel is probably the most important thing they’ll notice 💐

Read the book 'neurodivergent' by Jenara Ginsberg...it will help you understand yourself...you may have both adhd and autism but will see the strengths and feel less like failure

Hi op, there is no way I would remember to call my GP on the dot, defo set multiple alarms. I would set one for 7.45am and one for 7.58am, and label them call doctor. As you set the alarm make sure the doctors surgery number is saved in your phone so you do not have to google it.

At 7.58am get your phone and enter the doctors number ready to press call as soon as the time on your phone turns to 8am.

I have adhd so speak from experience, its amazing what you can find to do in a few minutes that isn't the thing you were planning to do!

Tomorrow is probably better anyway as they will be less busy after bank hol.

Read the book 'neurodivergent' by Jenara Ginsberg...

I looked for this. Do you mean the book Divergent Mind by Jenara Nerenberg?

Yes thats the one..sorry my memory is terrible but it really helped me as I am a disorganised perfectionist and now realise I am likely HSP with ADHD and autistic traits..high functioning but feel less like an alien! Its an amazing book whether you read or have read to you as an audio book

Thank you for the recommendation cocodomingo. Fortunately reading is one of the few things I do well!

I was diagnosed with adhd and you sound like you have adhd. You don't have to have ALL the symptoms, like everything it's a spectrum. Book a consultation with psychiatry uk, I was diagnosed after a one hour online discussion. Good luck

Coming back to this thread to ask; does anyone sometimes feel like a dog that wants to put its paws on its ears and whimper because your brain is so busy??
I've been off work and while I was in theory looking forward to downtime my mind is a pinball machine of need to do this, should do this, planning to do this. End result not much getting done and then of course I hate myself.

I almost want to be back at work because, structure!

I have booked an assessment online.

They sent through the forms...I am procrastinating over them. Naturally.