I am failing my baby and I want to end my life

[dontwanttoanymore]

I’m fully prepared to be told I’m a bad mum. Because it’s true. I can’t tell anyone, but I don’t want to be alive anymore.

I have a one-year-old and a partner. My partner lost his job and I stupidly set up a business in the middle of a pandemic. I was so close with my baby and I love him so much, but I kept working and working. It got to the point where I was scared to be alone with my baby and didn’t want to spend time with him. I don’t know why. It pains me to write this because he’s my world. What kind of mother feels like that? I feel like a monster.

My first six months of parenthood were filled with intrusive thoughts that got so severe I was threatened with going to a mother and baby unit. I don’t remember anything from that time, and the past three months have been spent working. From home, my baby with me and my partner all day, but they have a great bond because he’s doing it all in the day.

I see other mothers and they’re doing so much better than I am. Every time I look at my baby I feel guilt. I’m not good enough for him. I don’t deserve him

I thought about writing him a letter tonight. I feel like he doesn’t need me. I’m scared he won’t love me as much. I’m scared he doesn’t love me. I’m a crap mum and I just want to die

You’ve had a baby during a global pandemic, plus it sounds like you are really poorly. Your baby needs you, you absolutely are his world because you are his Mam. There is no one else who could ever replace you, remember that. Please reach out for some support, be kind to yourself you’re only one women

Don’t be nervous about speaking to the GP. Yours is actually a problem they encounter a lot. Nobody will judge you.

So glad you reached out last night - well done!

Keep talking to us please...and enjoy the precious moments with your LO x

Great news, and well done for reaching out. Samaritans are there for everyone, any time, so keep ringing whenever you need and I hope your GP is helpful too. Keep posting here if it helps too. Sounds like watching your baby laughing at a toy mouse is great therapy too :) Remember everything always feels worse in the night.

I hope you've managed to speak to your gp now. So glad you called the Samaritans last night. Your little boy sounds wonderful, and you are a good mum by posting about your worries and reaching out for help.

Oh well done OP, proud of you.

Re. the doctors, it took 2 or 3 trips for me to get the help I needed, can someone go with you to advocate for you?

Hope you got through to your doctor.
Don't underplay how difficult it has been for you.
Best wishes.

Well done. That’s a really positive and proactive step. Keep going!

Well done! It is hard to go to a doctor - or explain to anyone.

None of this is your fault. This illness is dished out at random and no-one finds it easy to deal with.

I'm glad the Samaritans helped - the volunteers I know are all lovely and they really do listen.

Wishing you well again soon.

My darling, you are brilliant.
If it wasn’t for C19 everyone of us on here would be over to yours like a shot to help and support.
We are doing it virtually now.
You

Op, saw this today and thought of you

How are you today OP?

Glad that you were able to reach out. You are amazing, it’s hard but you did it.

I hope everything goes well with the doctor. It is a bit like a sticky plaster, it’s painful when you have that first conversation about your feelings but when you start it does get easier. I remember thinking that I couldn’t possibly tell them just how bad I felt but it’s like the floodgates opened and I couldn’t stop it.

You’ve got this.

How are you now OP? Hope you got some help.