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Mental health

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Original poster

I am failing my baby and I want to end my life

114 replies

dontwanttoanymore · 15/03/2021 23:33

I’m fully prepared to be told I’m a bad mum. Because it’s true. I can’t tell anyone, but I don’t want to be alive anymore.

I have a one-year-old and a partner. My partner lost his job and I stupidly set up a business in the middle of a pandemic. I was so close with my baby and I love him so much, but I kept working and working. It got to the point where I was scared to be alone with my baby and didn’t want to spend time with him. I don’t know why. It pains me to write this because he’s my world. What kind of mother feels like that? I feel like a monster.

My first six months of parenthood were filled with intrusive thoughts that got so severe I was threatened with going to a mother and baby unit. I don’t remember anything from that time, and the past three months have been spent working. From home, my baby with me and my partner all day, but they have a great bond because he’s doing it all in the day.

I see other mothers and they’re doing so much better than I am. Every time I look at my baby I feel guilt. I’m not good enough for him. I don’t deserve him

I thought about writing him a letter tonight. I feel like he doesn’t need me. I’m scared he won’t love me as much. I’m scared he doesn’t love me. I’m a crap mum and I just want to die

OP posts:

XXSex · 15/03/2021 23:37

Nobody is doing any better or worse. They’re all on their own journey.

Is there anyone with you right now?

XXSex · 15/03/2021 23:38

You are good enough. You are his mother.

DilemmaADay · 15/03/2021 23:39

I'm so sorry OP, you sound like a wonderful, caring mum. Hopefully someone with much better knowledge and advice will be along soon, but I'm sending you my love please reach out to someone for some real life support as well

CherryDocsInYrBalls · 15/03/2021 23:39

Please reach out to the Samaratans tonight. You are your son's world. He needs you. What you are thinking and feeling isn't true, it's how you feel now, but please reach out and get people trained in this to listen to you, and if there is anyone in real life who can help you make an appointment in real life to get some help by the professionals. You're a good mum

Original poster

dontwanttoanymore · 15/03/2021 23:39

My partner is with me but he’s asleep. I don’t want to tell him because I haven’t told anybody.

OP posts:

Original poster

dontwanttoanymore · 15/03/2021 23:40

My partner is his world, not me

OP posts:

XXSex · 15/03/2021 23:40

You need support. If you’re not ready to talk to him then call Samaritans.

Star81 · 15/03/2021 23:41

Sorry to hear your feeling this way. From what you’ve said above about being threatened by a mother and baby unit, does this mean you had involvement with a mental health team due to PND ? If so you need to contact them again. Many mothers work and babies still love them. In the nicest way possible your not well and need help to see that what your feeling isn’t true and it’s you mental health making you think this and it’s not reality. Take care. If you need someone to call now have you tried the Samaritans ?

XXSex · 15/03/2021 23:42

www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/

116123 for free

longtompot · 15/03/2021 23:42

You are not a rubbish mum and your ds loves you so very much. Have you spoken to your partner about how you are feeling?
You are not alone, there are people here for you to talk to tonight, and try and get to see your gp in the morning. They can and will help, but it will take time

blindmansbluff · 15/03/2021 23:42

Please tell your partner how you're feeling. He will want to help you, I promise.

Your baby loves you more than anything else in the world. You are not a bad Mum, bad parents don't care about their kids and every sentence you've written screams out love for your child. He would not be better off without you.

OverTheRubicon · 15/03/2021 23:42

You poor thing. You clearly love your son very much. It may not feel it right now, but the best thing for him is you getting better - which might mean working, or stopping work, or it might mean going to a mother and baby unit where you can both get support and importantly the time you need to feel the bond that you already have.

My sister ended up in a mother and baby unit, and she is my parenting role model. She's an amazing mum, she was just a bit unwell for a while, and I'm sure you're the same. Your baby needs you here SO much. Your partner needs you too, and I bet that someone with your capacity for love and care and hard work has others who love you as well and their lives would be so much worse without you there.

Please tell someone in real life how you feel. If you get help, one day you will be looking back at this, snuggling up with your little boy and your partner, happy and content and today will be like a horrible dream. But you must talk to people about it first, please do. Many women have been where you are, they've come around and so can you.

Tired1980 · 15/03/2021 23:43

He needs you very very much! You are everything he needs.
No parent feels they are good enough and we are all critical of ourselves. Sleep deprivation and the general exhaustion from a baby doesn't help with these thoughts.

Please wake your husband and tell him how you are feeling, or telephone someone you trust.

This is a temporary feeling.

You've got this. You are enough x

XXSex · 15/03/2021 23:43

116 123 if you need to talk to someone. Is your partner supportive? Would he want you to feel like this on your own?

SleepingStandingUp · 15/03/2021 23:44

You really REALLY need to speak to your GO or HV. PND/ depression is an illness and illnesses can be treated. It isn't our fault if we get ill, but we do need help to get better.

Right now you are keeping a roof over your child's head, and food in its belly. There's nothing more fundamentally necessary than food and shelter. And love, which you have in abundance.

Acornacorn · 15/03/2021 23:44

Perhaps talk to your HV or GP if you’re not ready to talk to your DP? Sorry you’re feeling this way.

elscar · 15/03/2021 23:44

You are not a terrible mother- you wouldn't care this much if you were

Thank you for speaking out- please reach out for help- motherhood can be shite at times but it does get easier , I promise x

TimeForTeaAndG · 15/03/2021 23:45

OP, is your partner with you just now?

I honestly felt no bond with DD until she was about 18 months old. I just felt like I was going through the motions of being a mum and I rarely took her out by myself, I was so anxious about "something" if I went out with her. I eventually told DH that I didn't feel like I loved DD properly and it all stemmed from her birth where I had planned a lovely gentle time and instead ended up in an emergency C-section bawling my eyes out.

You need to speak to a professional and if you are in immediate danger please call 999 (assuming UK, whatever your emergency number is).

Take some time off work, even just a few days, everything else can wait because your baby needs you. Those thoughts you are having are not the truth. Brains are dickheads for being able to mess up so you need to get help to fix it.

ChippyTea16 · 15/03/2021 23:45

OP please seek help from your GP, nothing you have written in your post makes you seem like a bad mum at all. I’m sorry I don’t have any experience but it sounds like you could have post natal depression, is this something you could speak to your doctor about?

You’ve said it yourself your baby is your world and I absolutely guarantee you are his!

Please don’t punish yourself for working during the pandemic, it’s been a totally shit time for everyone but for some like yourself it’s been so much worse. For your partner to lose their job and have a new baby sounds so stressful and there’s no manual on what to do in this situation! It sounds like you’ve been amazing working through it all and looking after your baby with your partner too, you should feel proud of yourself!

I’ve also known plenty of people who are worried to be around their own children when they are not the ‘default’ parent - it’s natural to be nervous and I promise you are not a monster.

Please please seek help for how you are feeling, can you speak to your partner or a family member or friend while you wait for an appointment? I’m sorry you are feeling like this but it will get better

Tired1980 · 15/03/2021 23:45

The Samaritans are wonderful people to talk to.. if you can be brave and dial the number, you would feel so much better speaking to them xx

Gremlinsateit · 15/03/2021 23:46

Please call the Samaritans. PND is a disease, you can be treated (in a way that is comfortable for you) and feel so much better.

TwittleBee · 15/03/2021 23:46

I am so sorry you are feeling this way OP

Those thoughts can feel so crippling, so suffocating that it can feel impossible to see them ever leaving you and things improving. But well done for realising you are struggling and for telling us on here.

I wish I had some wisdom to share, some magic words to tell you, something to help you see through this smog.

But do recognise how different everyone's experience of motherhood is, how some may "shine" in some aspects whilst others "glow" in elsewhere.

It sounds like your MH certainly hasn't made this time easy for you at all. But look, you've set up a business in a pandemic! That's a huge achievement and you've done this to provide for your family, that sounds like something to shine about.

Those difficult thoughts, they are certainly something you can't just ignore. I'm not saying that at all, do seek help but do give yourself credit too

moanieleminx · 15/03/2021 23:47

Please please please pick up the phone and call Samaritans.

You are the best Mum for your child, even if you don't feel it. Their life will always be better for having you in it. Promise.

poottoot · 15/03/2021 23:47

You sound like a really good mum, and that you love and care about your baby a lot, you're working hard and providing for him - he needs you, and you are his world.

Intrusive thoughts are really awful, I had them after I had my baby, I'm sorry you're going through it. Please call Samaritans tonight. And try to speak to your GP or health visitor tomorrow. I had a couple of 'episodes' in the first year post partum, and I eventually got help, I'm so glad I did. Your baby needs you

Yesitsbess · 15/03/2021 23:48

You are not crap, you may be poorly though. You'd call a Dr if you broke your leg, please call someone now.

You've had some lovely and gentle advice here, but what is invading your mind is a permanent end to a temporary problem. I have been where you are, my children are 21 and 12 and I have loved being alive with them every difficult bastard step of the way.

Reach out to someone now please. I won't be able to sleep until you do.

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