I am failing my baby and I want to end my life

[dontwanttoanymore]

I’m fully prepared to be told I’m a bad mum. Because it’s true. I can’t tell anyone, but I don’t want to be alive anymore.

I have a one-year-old and a partner. My partner lost his job and I stupidly set up a business in the middle of a pandemic. I was so close with my baby and I love him so much, but I kept working and working. It got to the point where I was scared to be alone with my baby and didn’t want to spend time with him. I don’t know why. It pains me to write this because he’s my world. What kind of mother feels like that? I feel like a monster.

My first six months of parenthood were filled with intrusive thoughts that got so severe I was threatened with going to a mother and baby unit. I don’t remember anything from that time, and the past three months have been spent working. From home, my baby with me and my partner all day, but they have a great bond because he’s doing it all in the day.

I see other mothers and they’re doing so much better than I am. Every time I look at my baby I feel guilt. I’m not good enough for him. I don’t deserve him

I thought about writing him a letter tonight. I feel like he doesn’t need me. I’m scared he won’t love me as much. I’m scared he doesn’t love me. I’m a crap mum and I just want to die

I know exactly how you feel. Exactly. It's very painful

I hope that you are sleeping (or even feeling a little better with the love and support of your DP) but do keep posting if not.

The Samaritans will listen if you need to talk. They are lovely and you won't feel judged - whatever you tell them.

Mums here won't judge either. Too many of us have seen very dark times in the small hours when our babies were young.

This is such early stages, OP, and your baby won't remember any of it. You've still got plenty of good things ahead but I think you do need to seek some professional help. There's no shame in it.

Not much to add to the advice op, but know that you are being thought of. I am absolutely sure that that little boy loves you to pieces- you’re his Mum! You wouldn’t be having these horrible doubts if you didn’t love him right back. He needs you. Your partner as well, but you. 💐

Your son wouldn’t be taken away from you. You live with a partner who looks after him so why would they do that? They just want you to get the help you need. It’s really important that you speak to someone. Not your mum! You are more than enough. Is running the business too much? Could you stop?

I had absolutely horrendous post natal depression including intrusive thoughts and I wanted to kill myself. I was so unwell but I was too scared to express how bad I felt. I think by not seeking help early enough I prolonged the agony. Wasn't helped by my exh minimising everything whenever I did reach out for help.
I haven't read the full thread but please speak to professional, gp, health visitor, anyone. You are not failing your baby you just need some support.

hey op, I'm sat in the dark with my 12 month old who won't sleep, I know the mum guilt well, though I am lucky enough to have not had pnd. You are a good mum, you are enough. When you're better, you'll see it, this is just a blip, you just need some help, and there's no shame in asking for it. Sometimes.everyone does! xx

You need to phone 111 now so you can access help. Do it now.

Please, please PM me. I've been through something similar.

You’re not alone OP. I find being alone with my DD 13 months very tough too; DP wanted to do some work after work last week and said he wouldn’t be home until 10pm - which subsequently resulted in me crying and telling him I wasn’t going to turn up at nursery to pick up DD because I was genuinely scared about being left alone with her for so long.
I’ve started taking every day as it comes, if DD is being difficult I try to remind myself that it’s just today, one day. Tomorrow she will be happier and we’ll cope. They’re leaps, teething, tantrums and tears don’t last forever as much as it might feel like it.

Motherhood is so so tough; we will get through it. You will get through it.

I’ve only read the first page but please get in touch with the GP r.e mental health. I’ve had therapy for post natal anxiety and depression.

Sorry just read your other posts; your mother is wrong.

To make it clear:

nobody will take your baby away for seeking help

You are a loving mother doing your best in very difficult conditions, OP. Please get help, as advised in this thread. These bad times will come to an end.

Please get in contact with your GP in the morning OP

You are not a bad mum - there is more than one way to be a mum. You are providing for him. He’s attached to your partner but he will to you too. Take whatever help you can. You can do this. Xxxx

Hello OP. You are me 9 years ago. Please keep posting here we’re here for you. Ring your GP first thing, what you’re going through happens to many women and you won’t be judged just helped. There is a way back from this believe me!
Your baby loves you and very much needs you but it’s hard to see while in the jaws of PND. You’re a wonderful hard working mother who is unwell, not a bad person! Please ring the doctor. This won’t go away on it’s own. I honestly could have written your post after my daughter was born and I let it get bad. But it was fixable. I got better with help and you will too!
Please keep talking here. Many of us have been where you are it’s a natural if very scary unpleasant illness. We’re here for you and rooting for you. Let us know how you get on with the doctor.

How are you feeling today op

Your partner may be his world right now, but that's ok. It doesn't mean that things won't change. I can't imagine growing up without a mum, whether we are close or not. He needs you.

OP, please, please, ring your GP this morning, talk to your partner (when he is properly awake - mine's like a zombie in the night too) . Your baby needs you. No question about that. You in the grips of this terrible despair but you will find a way back, there are people out there who can help turn things around for you, please let them. Take cake of yourself and sending an enormous virtual hug. Xx

Hello OP. We just wanted to say that we're really sorry to hear that you're feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.

You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected].

OP, we've moved your thread to our Mental Health topic and we hope you continue to get useful advice and support here. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Take care OP and best of luck.

Hello (hug) you are not failing your baby, it feels like that because you are depressed, Post Natal Depression is really well recognised, call your GP, they will take this very seriously and offer you help.

Well done for writing how you feel, that is the first step to getting help x

Hi OP, how are you this morning? 🌸

I could have written this post about me. I also have a son who is one and I've felt exactly as you have described and also had offers to a mother and baby unit (but now my son is one it would be an adult ward, as perinatal mental health services sadly only work until the baby is one on my area), but I declined them and I guess I will never know if that was the right decision or not. I was never concerned about social services, it was always made clear that was not the case.
Have you had any help before? Or been diagnosed with a mental health condition?

We are here for you. Please keep talking. 🌸

🌸

Hi all,

So sorry for not replying sooner. I called Samaritans last night and they helped me a bit. I am going to book a GP appointment today but I’m very nervous.

Thank you for all the amazing support you showed me. I needed it more than ever and it has helped to put things in perspective.

Currently watching my 1yo crawl everywhere laughing at his toy mouse.

Great update. The doctor was nothing but kind to me with pnd. Best thing I did.
It's okay to feel low and it isn't your fault or the baby's, it just is. And belive me it will get better.
Good luck x

That's brilliant, op, I understand your nerves - you're being so strong.

I hope you got some rest,how are things with your OH today?

The fact that you feel guilty and care so much shows that you are not a terrible mum. You love your baby and want the best for him.

I hope you've taken the advice of others and either spoken to your partner or called the Samaritans.

Also talk to your HV and your GP.

You can get through this x