I am failing my baby and I want to end my life

[dontwanttoanymore]

I’m fully prepared to be told I’m a bad mum. Because it’s true. I can’t tell anyone, but I don’t want to be alive anymore.

I have a one-year-old and a partner. My partner lost his job and I stupidly set up a business in the middle of a pandemic. I was so close with my baby and I love him so much, but I kept working and working. It got to the point where I was scared to be alone with my baby and didn’t want to spend time with him. I don’t know why. It pains me to write this because he’s my world. What kind of mother feels like that? I feel like a monster.

My first six months of parenthood were filled with intrusive thoughts that got so severe I was threatened with going to a mother and baby unit. I don’t remember anything from that time, and the past three months have been spent working. From home, my baby with me and my partner all day, but they have a great bond because he’s doing it all in the day.

I see other mothers and they’re doing so much better than I am. Every time I look at my baby I feel guilt. I’m not good enough for him. I don’t deserve him

I thought about writing him a letter tonight. I feel like he doesn’t need me. I’m scared he won’t love me as much. I’m scared he doesn’t love me. I’m a crap mum and I just want to die

Op, depression is a liar. It lies to you that you are not good enough. It lies to you that people will be better off without you. I can guarantee that your lo loves you so much. I can guarantee that if you listened to the lies that your depression is telling you, that it would leave a hole in your los life.
Please seek help, I know lots of mums that have seeked help for their mental health and they have not had their babies taken away by ss. Ss only take children away when they are at serious risk of harm. It's obvious to anyone reading your post that you love your lo more than anything and there is no risk to him. Please tell your partner how you are feeling. There is no shame in asking for help or admitting the depth of your depression. You will not recieve any judgement from professionals, only support. Being open is the first step to getting better. And you will get better if you reach out and confide in people how you are feeling.

I just woke him up and tried to talk. He fell asleep as I was talking. He’s now sat next to me trying not to fall asleep again. I feel really distressed

OP, you may feel alone, but you are not alone. I felt like this 7 1/2 years ago. With the help of my husband, GP and Healthy Minds, I came through a very, very hideous time.

You must open up and speak to someone about this. Because you need the support - and there is nothing wrong with needing support! Being pregnant / having a baby wrecks havoc on our bodies. It’s hard! So very hard.

Please keep checking in here, so we know you are ok.

Your baby needs you. You are his world!

Sending you the biggest hug 💜

You need to tell your GP. You’re depressed and it’s hardly surprising, considering a new baby, a new business and the pandemic lockdowns you’ve experienced in the last year.

Talk to your OH & get medical help.

I am a child protection social worker.
Your dm is wrong, social services won't take your baby into care because you have asked for help with intrusive thoughts.
It is a surprisingly common issue although at varying levels.
What social services are looking for is that you are open to getting the help you need.

I know it is easier to say than do but don't worry about social services, focus on getting the medical help you need.

Your baby is safe and happy. Social Services do not take safe, happy babies into care.
You are not safe or happy so you need to get help for you. I know you think that rationally he doesn't need you but that really is the illness convincing you. He absolutely does need you.

Can you give us some idea of where you are OP so we can try to find a local service for you?
Keep talking.

You need professional help. I'm not being rude. I'm being serious. You sound depressed and in danger of doing something silly. Go and see your doctor

OP I commented before and have just seen your update - please phone the Samaritans

Hi OP

I've been where you are, only a few months ago. Intrusive thoughts, uncontrollable sobbing when I was alone with DD, daren't take her out anywhere by myself etc. I spoke to my HV before talking to my partner, and she gave me advice on how to approach it with my partner. She also got an immediate prescription for citalopram and an assessment with the perinatal mental health team. once I had spoken to the team about everything properly a couple weeks later, they actually thought the citalopram was taking the edge off things, and didn't want to pressure me into visiting their mother and baby outpatient clinic. After a few chats with them on the phone, they thought I was on the mend, and actually it felt good just to talk to them honestly, as its so isolating, especially in the midst of a pandemic and we can't see people we would perhaps reach out to for support. Just chat to them, they make you do anything you don't want to do unless you are at serious serious risk, and your little one will be absolutely fine, you are doing an amazing job, and it takes a lot to admit how you're feeling, so good on you for taking that step. You will get there, you are good enough, and your little boy loves you.

That was suppose to say "they won't make you do anything" 😬 sorry!

Hey I know how it is, when my son was 7 months old I packed his bag and his older sisters because I was convinced that social services were coming to take them away. This wasn't real, social services had never heard of my kids it was delusions in my head but it felt so real.

The voice and the feelings are so strong but it isn't real, I promise you. You've been so strong and brave to battle your feelings this long, but this is bigger than a single person.

You're doing a good job, it's been a shit year to be a parent. People's mental health is very low, let alone a mum to a small child. Honestly you're doing so well, you are the glue that holds your family together.

Here's what id like you to do if you can:

• go get a notepad and write down every thing you're feeling. Just get it out of you. I have a book filled with midnight ramblings, it stopped my brain from racing and just felt like it got all the poison thoughts out of me.

• wake your partner, assuming he's supportive? If he is, tell him that you are in danger of hurting yourself. You need to ask him to seek help for you. He might need to book a doctor's appointment on your behalf, register you for talking therapies, whatever it is that you can access. I got put on sertraline and it was a wonder drug.

• ask him to call the PANDAs helpline. They're the postnatal depression charity and they were a lifeline for me.

It's so hard, just keep going hour by hour if you need to- life always feels darkest at night. You are not alone though. So much love to you, check in with us in the morning if you can X x

www.pandasfoundation.org.uk should link to organisation that Meatshake recommended.
0808 1961 766 is the helpline number which is manned daily from 11am - 10.00pm.

@dontwanttoanymore
You are not a bad mum, you're a wonderful mum and when he's older your son is going to be so incredibly proud of you for starting a business with a newborn and keeping your family afloat while unwell - you're amazing.

I understand you're frightened and feel alone but the previous posters are right, in reaching out for help you will not lose your baby and you will get better.

There is so much support there for you and every mum i know with infants is struggling at the moment, some of them have been every bit as ill as you currently are and no-one has condemned them or taken away their children.

I'm sorry your OH isn't wakeful enough to listen right now, please do contact Samaritans tonight and your GP urgently tomorrow.

They will help you and you will come through this and be well again.

It's natural to feel scared about being alone with a young baby and all the more so when you consider everything you've been contending with - it doesn't reflect badly on you, it just shows that your mind is exhausted and you need looking after.

Everything is going to be ok, op, please keep in touch and don't do anything silly. Contact your GP first thing and don't be fobbed off by reception.

Everything will be OK, and you will get better

Your baby loves you so much. Hold on, get help, 999 if you can’t wait till morning. They understand. And you will get better. And just for now ignore what your mum said.

You are so important!

Your baby wants and needs you more than anything in the world.

That is just one of many reasons that you are important.

Please do call Samaritans.

Hi Op- if you don’t want to call anyone you can text shout to 85258 and someone will text you and not stop until they feel like you are in a more stable place.. hopefully you’re getting some sleep now. I really hope so.. !
I’ve been in a really difficult place with intrusive thoughts and strange ideas about my family.. everything you are experiencing is illness and all your true feelings are still there underneath don’t worry. You won’t always feel this way..
In the morning I would contact your local crisis team - sounds scary - but they are wonderful people who can help you get through this.. you’re doing so well to keep going and after all this horrible part has passed (and it will!!!) you will be a brave, courageous and strong mother who can show your little baby when he or she is older that you have understanding and can provide support and strength if he/she is suffering. What an amazing position you will be in. For the here and now.. taking care of yourself so you can get to a point of stability is your main goal. You can do this. I promise - I’ve been there xxxxx

You are a good and courageous woman. It is so difficult to ask for help at a time like this and when you are feeling so afraid. You must love your baby very much.

I agree - you have an illness and you do need treatment/help as soon as possible.

This is not all there is; you can get better.

Soon he’ll be walking and running to you for cuddles. Then he’ll be speaking and telling you he loves you. It will gradually get better.
You HAVE to take credit for raising your baby. You grew him for 9 months, you’ve fed and nurtured and comforted him. The good comes from you and your partner, don’t tell yourself you’ve done nothing for your baby.
You are his world and he needs you. Please don’t give up. I was saying a lot of the things you’re saying only a few weeks ago.
When I feel bad I look at my beautiful baby’s face and imagine all the good times we have ahead. I can’t wait to climb trees with him, teach him to read, go swimming. My baby has a cheeky little face and personality, I can just tell he’s going to be a joker and I can’t wait to have a good laugh with him!

Please op, wake your partner and tell him how you feel.

I remember feeling like this and feeling really down. Like my baby preferred everyone else but me. The kids are all teens now and we are all very close.

Op ring your GP tomorrow or the Samaritans tonight. If you feel close to hurting yourself ring 999

Start talking, get medication and counselling

If it’s easier write an email to DH explaining how you feel at the moment and ask him to help you access professional support

sm your number-i can talk,listen.x

HI OP are you still here. Please phone someone you are worth it and you are a fantastic Mum.

Even posting on here is a great first step OP. Call Samaritans and talk it through. I promise you things will get better.