I’m fully prepared to be told I’m a bad mum. Because it’s true. I can’t tell anyone, but I don’t want to be alive anymore.
I have a one-year-old and a partner. My partner lost his job and I stupidly set up a business in the middle of a pandemic. I was so close with my baby and I love him so much, but I kept working and working. It got to the point where I was scared to be alone with my baby and didn’t want to spend time with him. I don’t know why. It pains me to write this because he’s my world. What kind of mother feels like that? I feel like a monster.
My first six months of parenthood were filled with intrusive thoughts that got so severe I was threatened with going to a mother and baby unit. I don’t remember anything from that time, and the past three months have been spent working. From home, my baby with me and my partner all day, but they have a great bond because he’s doing it all in the day.
I see other mothers and they’re doing so much better than I am. Every time I look at my baby I feel guilt. I’m not good enough for him. I don’t deserve him
I thought about writing him a letter tonight. I feel like he doesn’t need me. I’m scared he won’t love me as much. I’m scared he doesn’t love me. I’m a crap mum and I just want to die