I am failing my baby and I want to end my life

[dontwanttoanymore]

I’m fully prepared to be told I’m a bad mum. Because it’s true. I can’t tell anyone, but I don’t want to be alive anymore.

I have a one-year-old and a partner. My partner lost his job and I stupidly set up a business in the middle of a pandemic. I was so close with my baby and I love him so much, but I kept working and working. It got to the point where I was scared to be alone with my baby and didn’t want to spend time with him. I don’t know why. It pains me to write this because he’s my world. What kind of mother feels like that? I feel like a monster.

My first six months of parenthood were filled with intrusive thoughts that got so severe I was threatened with going to a mother and baby unit. I don’t remember anything from that time, and the past three months have been spent working. From home, my baby with me and my partner all day, but they have a great bond because he’s doing it all in the day.

I see other mothers and they’re doing so much better than I am. Every time I look at my baby I feel guilt. I’m not good enough for him. I don’t deserve him

I thought about writing him a letter tonight. I feel like he doesn’t need me. I’m scared he won’t love me as much. I’m scared he doesn’t love me. I’m a crap mum and I just want to die

Who threatened you with a mother and baby unit? They should not be used as threats. I went to one after and during both my pregnancies and they saved my life.

Is it still an option?

Wake up your partner. Tell him how you are feeling. It will be hard, maybe show him what you have written here.

You are being so hard on yourself. Having a baby is hard (no one tells you that bit!) but in a pandemic! I can’t even imagine!

How old is your son? Tell me about him.

What is motivating you to work a lot? Is it to keep money coming in? Do you need your partner to share this responsibility so you have time to relax and just ‘be’ with your baby? Good for you reaching out for help. Keep going - tell partner, a friend, GP. Take time away from work tomorrow and maybe take a walk with your baby

You’re not a crap mum op, I can see just from this paragraph how hard you’ve worked to look after him. He would miss you forever, and you deserve to see how much better it can get.
Why didn’t you want to go into that mother and baby unit can I ask?

Please reach out wether that’s to samaritans or your local crisis mental health phone line I’m under community mental health team but found out anyone can ring the crisis line when my cousin was struggling,
You need support your a good mummy as you can see that things aren’t quite right
Please try and confide in your partner I know thats a scary thought but honestly it was the best thing I did

I felt similar when mine were tiny, I felt such a failure. They are now teens/adults and it’s hard but not as hard as that first year.

I couldnt scroll past and not say anything. Its hard, parenthood it hard, life is hard and its okay to struggle. Ive been on that cliff edge youre currently on debating that jump and i chose to step back. You can message me if you want but i PROMISE you, you are that babies world and not doing the shitty job you think you are. Writing it down is the 1st step, say it outloud to someone and ask for that help x

You are strong and clearly an absolutely brilliant mum. Please talk to someone, the world wants you here.

My mum told me if a mother and baby unit got involved I’d have social services involved and he would be at risk of being taken away from me.

My baby is beautiful. He is so funny and loves Chip and Potato on Netflix. He’s nearly walking

Call the gp in the morning and make an URGENT and face to face appointment. Cancel everything else . Nothing else is more important than your mental health right now

Your brain is sending you the wrong messages and distorted information . Your thoughts are NOT the truth ok ? They are out of kilter and confused . Let’s help you get back on track and your emotions and thought patterns back in their rightful order and measure .
Gp is a priority first thing ok . And lease share this with your partner you need to open up and get support - this is the best thing you can do for your baby for yourself and your future . It WILL BE OK but you will need to unravel this with support and help . The magic key is letting it out of your brain and into the world - when your thoughts are stuck inside they gather momentum in a downward spiral .
Day one of getting better is today . You have opened up . We are here for you . You won’t feel this bad again it’s going to get better now ok ? Partner , doctor . Then take it from there . It’s going to be ok

He won’t be taken away from you for seeking help. I used to work with a perinatal mental health team. Making you well and keeping you and your son safe is priority.
Does your mum know how you are feeling now?

He sounds adorable! That almost walking stage is tough!

OP, social services do not take babies away just because the mum has been in a mother and baby unit, your mum is wrong. I've had a friend in a m&b unit and one of my best friends is a social worker. Social services are there to ensure the baby is in a safe environment and to give support to the parents.

@dontwanttoanymore : Your Mum is not helping with those sort of remarks.
Please don't let her misinformation stop you from seeking the help you need.
I appreciate it doesn't feel like it just now, but this is very fixable if you can just reach out for help from those in the best position to help you.
As others have said, the Samaritans, your GP, your Health Visitor, the on call GP service tonight, your partner - would all want to help you.
Please don't suffer in silence.
You deserve to be well and happy.

My mum told me if a mother and baby unit got involved I’d have social services involved and he would be at risk of being taken away from me.
I don't think he would be. The bar for removing a child is pretty high. Your son sounds like he is well cared for and developing. And if the split has been mostly Dad doing day to day baby care and you earning there is nothing wrong in that. It's not neglectful. I can tell you too that that baby loves you. This is your brain having a faulty moment. So many women have been here before you. You can be helped and you will be so glad once you are through this.

You are definitely enough for your baby. You can tell how much you care by what you've written. Please try talking to your partner, or if you don't think he'll be supportive talk to your GP. You can get help for this, things will be better. I wish I could give you a big hug ❤

Please reach out to someone tonight.

Your are your son's whole world and he needs you.

Just the fact that you've written on here means you care so much and that you know you need support of some kind. And doing that and getting help is an act of love in itself - for you and your baby.

Your sentence 'I see other mothers and they're doing so much better than I am' - you are seeing just a tiny fraction of their lives and please remember that 'comparison is the thief of joy.'

There is help out there and support for what you are feeling right now.

Lockdown, working from home AND a baby compounds all the stresses of modern day life, no wonder you are feeling like this.

Please reach out to an organisation that can help you, there are qualified people who just want the best for you and can help you turn your thoughts around.

Your baby won't be taken away if a mother and baby unit are involved. I promise. I have been there. I have been where you are and the support from GPs and health visitors and my mental health nurse was so supportive and non judgemental.

Every word you said reminded me of me 6 years ago. I promise you there are sunny days ahead. I promise.

OP you are so strong and brave to have started a business to support your baby during the pandemic! PND makes us feel bad about ourselves so we can’t see the truth. And did you know that late at night, our brains start getting worn out and shutting down ready for sleep, and we stop being able to think rationally some time before we actually go to sleep? That’s why things seem so much worse at night. Call the Samaritans and have a chat with the lovely people there.

You're sick @dontwanttoanymore. You need help, just like you would if you had a dodgy heart or bad back. Every interaction you have with your son is through the dark lens of your illness, and yet your love for him shines through. He does need you. It's your illness telling you otherwise, not him.

My DH is our 1yo DD's carer during the day whilst I work FT; sometimes I worry the same as you, about how they're closer. But when she's blowing kisses at me as I go back to my desk or running towards me when I come down for lunch, I don't honestly think it's the case.

You're a good mum. Stop beating yourself up for trying to provide for your family and for being ill. Neither of those things are any reflection on you as your ability or worth as a mother.

OP - there was a thread on here with a mother feeling the same as you only I think her thoughts about her child were much worse than yours. She came back a few weeks ago to post an update and it was like a 360 degrees turnaround because she went to get help and was honest with the professionals who helped her get through her PND. She said that posting her desperate thread on Mumsnet saved her life back then and she will always help mothers who feel the same way. I am hoping someone can find this thread

OP you are not failing your baby - you are in crisis at the moment and as other posters have said, you should reach out and get help. You are suffering just now but that is temporary and can be fixed. Please don't harm yourself - you need proper care and support. Your baby needs his mum. No one will take your child away. They will support you. I am so sorry for you but this feeling you have just now will get better and you will see your son grow up. Please reach out for help and know that harming yourself is not the answer. It would ruin your son's life and he deserves his mum. You will get better, you just need the right help. Please take care of yourself and know that there is always hope and change - things will improve from the way you are feeling just now. You deserve to be happy like everyone else and the feelings you have just now are temporary, believe me.

Please talk to someone in real life OP and get some help. You are not a bad mum, you are a depressed and struggling mum. You need to get help, and there is help out there. You’ve taken the first step by telling us how you feel. Now take another one please

OP, I'm glad you've reached out to us on here💛
Your lovely beautiful baby does need you, it's very important that you stay around for as long as you can to see the person that he becomes, he needs you
you're having some problems because your thoughts are 'misfiring' the wrong messages are getting through, you need proper help, you will get better
Please believe us 🙏💛
you can get through this and you can get better

I just want to reassure you, OP, that M&B units are not the ONLY option for mums with intrusive thoughts.

I had really really severe intrusive thoughts, which were linked to “pure O” OCD and complex PTSD from childhood trauma after I had my son. They started when he was about 3 or 4 months old and quickly spiralled. I think a less skilled GP and therapist would possibly have misdiagnosed me as having postpartum psychosis. I was very unwell though.

Anyway- I wasn’t sent to an M&B unit. Instead I was in weekly psychotherapy for 3 years- the intrusive thoughts lessened over time and resolved totally about 18 months in. The other 18 months we’re dealing with deeper layers of trauma.

I’ve also never been medicated for my illness.

I promise you- you can, and it does, get better.

And your baby loves you. You love your baby. Don’t doubt that.