Parents of anxious kids/teen support thread(part 4)

[Stilllivinginazoo]

Hi everyone
I cannot believe we are moving onto a fourth thread!
This is open to anyone looking for support or advice with a child or teen who suffers from anxiety
This is a long running thread and we have some popping in and out,some long term and some who just dip in for advice- all of these are just fine!
We understand the challenges of raising anxious children and how small wins matter(to others they're nothing special,and many are rude enough to say so!)and the sheer exhausting all consuming efforts that parenting very anxious children can entail
Only thing we ask is that others are respectful and kind.all situations are unique ,and there's no judgement allowed

Hello Tis.
I am really sorry things have been so awful for you.
It sounds like your DS desperately needs help but its a difficult , in between, age and as you say you cant make him engage.
Please be kind to yourself, unfortunately you can't solve everything -I wish we all had magic wands!
All you can do is just be there for him and let him know you love him.
Will CAMHS keep him on their books until he can engage?
Have they suggested any medication? That could really help him feel better enough to engage with therapy and is definitely worth investigating.
Also can school refer him to any services like early help? ( Its never early!)
There are some lovely posters on here who can probably give you some good practical advice.
I just wanted to reach out with a virtual hug, its fine to rant on here💐

Thanks runner for offering tis some good advice/words of comfort
My dd2 is same age,she's depressed and highly anxious.im trying convince her to medicate currently.i do think if she (and he) felt a big better in them selves with anxiety/low mood it would make enormous difference
It's not easy-and it does feel very much like a mum job to make it better, but once in later teen years we are best served to be there to signpost and support independent care for themselves(where safe to do so).this is much easier said than done of course when you have an anxious child,so it's ultra baby steps.i still find myself nudging DD to get up and try and have a routine as she's not fit for schoolwork
Is there any one at school or friends he may talk to? As much as I hate to admit it at this age telling him isn't always a first choice and peers/slightly older siblings etc can be a much easier to relate to option as they are trying to find themselves and be separate from us
I too would be distraught one of mine was emigrating,I have no advice there only support and comfort in fact she's secure enough to spread her wings

Thank you for your messages, it really helps to know I'm not alone I all this. CAHMS have said that there is nothing they can do if he won't speak to them. Just sent some leaflets with coping strategies on. He seems to be ok with going to school and does have friends. I was really pleased when a few weeks ago he started playing in 5 a side football league with school friends and rejoined the gym. Now he seems to have taken backward step and I think it has thrown me because I thought things were improving. No one has suggested any medication for him - hospital discharged him and said they were happy he won't do it again and didn't even refer him to cahms.

Didn't want to read and not post. Sounds incredibly tough Tis. Accepting you need help is the first stage and sounds like your boy isn't there yet. You have to keep reminding him you are there and will continue to be there. Sometimes they try and push you away because they don't feel worthy of love or support

Thanks Anne. I think you're right about not loving himself and consequently pushing us away. This isn't what I expected from the teenage years. Will just keep trying.

It's very hard. My dd has dipped this week and hasn't managed school the last couple of days. Frustrating when I am paying for both school and a TA.

I have looked into a solicitor and may contact them about the EHCP appeal. I am not sure I have the energy to do it myself.

Hope everyone goes into the weekend with some positivity

Welcome Tis. Would DS partake in indirect therapy? Such as art, music or animal therapy. Even if DS is resistant and won't talk don't underestimate the positive effects of a routine, getting up/going to bed at reasonable times, eating and getting fresh air daily. Not sleeping, eating and laying in bed all day, awake all night exacerbate mental health difficulties, and you get in to a viscous circle.

Anne would the TA come to you on the days DD can't make it in to school? If you use a solicitor ensure they are experienced with EHCPs, not all educational specialists are. A bad, or even mediocre, solicitor can do more harm than good. SENDIST give a certain amount of lee way to self representing parents which lawyers don't get. Have you tried SOSSEN?

jump post consult time how long do I wait for LA to get back to me?15 days was up 2wekks ago?(impatient)

Zoo I would have lost my patience with your LA a long time ago! They are stringing this out. There is no statutory timescale other than the finalised amended EHCP must be sent within 8 weeks of sending you the draft. If they haven't stuck to this IPSEA have a model letter you can use to complain.

Chase them up, push them to finalise whether you are happy with it or not. If you aren't satisfied appeal and just get the mediation certificate don't actively partake in mediation.

Zoo To clarify, the school have 15 days to respond to the LA's consultation, but there's no statutory timescale for the LA to send you the finalised amended EHCP other than the final has to be sent within 8 weeks of the draft.

With things opening up it highlights again just how socially isolated DS1 is.

I’ve been thinking about social isolation quite a bit lately jump (and I know zoo with DS has also spoken about this). I had an unfortunate trigger a couple of days ago which sent my own MH on a bit of a tailspin. I know many of you feel the same - how the stress of managing our DCs issues affect our own. I’m feeling very isolated, despite being in a large city. As a family we don’t live typically like our neighbours do, randomly inviting people over for bbqs for example. Autism has over the years made that difficult/stressful/unsuccessful. DCs mh continues this pattern.
Apologies for this reflective, depressing post. I can barely manage my DC needs yet think I need to seek help for my own. I’ve been managing on ADs thus far but think I have PTSD from DS1 and should ask for help with this. Curious if anyone knows what type of therapy might help?
Thank you

Viking it's a strong woman who accepts and reaches out got help lovely
You are not alone,we are always here

Da has no contact peers since his "school" changed academy 1st may and he is no longer talking online to anyone(tech issues,and now we are told they are being encouraged "work independently on projects" mostly.thus works fine for DC that are about to enter the school of are doing a mix initially if part time online part in placement.)ds feels abandoned.its making huge impact on his mood

Thank you my lovely zoo. Your description of DS’ situation and how it has impacted his mood exactly mirrors my own DC, especially DS2. Sending you hugs and and and .

Vikingthanks for the treats!
You know you can always PM me if needed.we have been talking for so long now I have moments of forgetting we on different continents and it's like chat away to my friend "just down the road"

Viking EMDR and trauma focused CBT are considered the gold standard therapies for PTSD. I find ordinary counselling helpful for coping with DC's additional needs. It helps to be able to speak freely without the worry of anyone judging, running in the opposite direction or becoming upset.

Do you have anything similar to our EHCPs and medical needs tuition?

Social isolation is always at the back of my mind, but some days, like yesterday, bring it to the fore. DS2&3 had a full day with a sports club, parties and seeing friends, whereas DS1 struggles leaving the house. I can't remember the last time DS1 played with, or even alongside, another child other than DS2&3.

Hi all.

Things calmer here on the surface. DD1 preparing to go back into school for 3 days this week. She saw psychiatrist on Friday and has been to two scheduled activities and went shopping with DH yesterday. DD2 and I joined them for dinner. She's restarted her bullet journal on mood and sleep. She's talking to me again.

I am feeling quite battered TBH. During last weekend's dramas we had some long waits and were seen by medical/surgical rather than MH staff, and were transferred from one A&E to another by ambulance and then admitted at 7.30 am. It was DD's fifth attendance at A&E in 14 months with MH related issues. There was a distinct vibe off the nursing staff on the ward that DD1 wasn't a 'real' patient and at times it was noticeable that they were treating her differently from the other patients. I'm kind of despairing because it's not like there's another track for us to go down.

tee is she under camhs/any other mental health support bar psychiatry?(forgive me,I'm not sleeping more than 2-3 hours a night currently and can't remember anything).it makes me so cross hearing those falling through the cracks/getting poor care for MH by professionals

Bit tough one here.ds us revving ahead schoolwork Tom(not that it's hard,just hates doing it) lilzoo totally on one this weekend.raging at everyone.dd2 is bag nerves as has marsipan Tom at g.p surgery 3monyhs before app with ED team so they can guage any difference in that time frame.shes fretting about her weightand having lat still for an ECGshe's still not calmed from try return to school.im at wits end that to do next.camhs are like we'll can take a month or more afterca big episode to recover...model calmness.

@Stilllivinginazoo thanks for checking in. She's seen psychiatrist but her main therapist is a psychologist she sees fortnightly. She's half way through a course of DBT which she's said she finds helpful. All of the above are arranged privately as community CAHMS support has been intermittent and unreliable though they have weighed back in after ignoring us for months.

Plodding on like you say.

Tee how has DD coped with school? If you feel up to it I would either complain or informally raise the staff's treatment of DD. Obviously sometimes patients need treating differently, especially with MH conditions, but not as inferior. If it was noticeable to you DD and others probably noticed too, which isn't acceptable.

Zoo I hope DD2's appointment went as well as it could have. Have you thought about trying something to help you sleep?

I'm exhausted after a busy week with several appointments and meetings. I also took DS' to a soft play SEN session. It was really quiet and they were the oldest there (many would say too old) but didn't care, even DS1 played after a meltdown about going, although he constantly moved away any time someone else played near him.

jumpwas nightmare.iur surgery bought up another just before lockdown last year and is now over two sites.we waited near hour before receptionist spot we were at wrong site.i specific said which o e at point booking and was assured that's right.was 4th mistake if the day apparently.by this point dd2 was nervous wreck.receptionist spoke nurse who agreed squeeze in bloods at leaston hearing DD tale of woe she kindly did weight and b.p too.we abandon idea ECG,although they could book for Thursday.dd2 gets such state doubtful it would work as heartbeat so fast.lul zoo fails get ECG working for same reason,cept she says don't feel anxious!
Yesterday had letter addressed ms zoo,no initial claiming meds prescribed.has ring them to ascertain whom we are taking about.second time in a month had letter with no initial pulled them up over that.turns our dd2 aneamic and lacks bit d too.shes been vegetarian 8years,and past 18 months eating less variety with anxiety whilst periods become classic zoo family horrors so not surprised...
Dd1 ofderedtake us small zoo sunday.dd2 instantly orbit sun, refuse go say too much and I'm not allowed leave her either so be da and lil zoo go.ds now get stressed he's agreed go without me.he lives animals and there's baby lemursand baby camel so lots fun things to see
I'm tired dd2 dictating my every move.ahes always been highly dominant and we all suffr if she's not happy.im be yelled at loadscurrently for falling asleep 10/11 pm when shes at most anxious.i literally have a window 11-2 sleep and that's it.im beyond exhausted..can't take anything as D's wakes in night randomly,and she's been knownrun in screaming if panic attacks are too bad

Zoo I was thinking something like melatonin could help you sleep but still allow you to get up when necessary.

The need for control is the anxiety but it isn't acceptable (neither is taking it out on you!), and in my experience the more control you give DD2 over you the more she will demand. Here the options would be DD2 can go to the zoo with you or stay at home but you will be going. Hopefully supplements help, low vitD won't be helping my her MH. Have DDs tried anything to help with their periods?

We have a provisional date for DS1's operation. They are going to try to do the 3 procedures DS needs in one go, it has been difficult to organise the different specialities.

Hope procedure can go ahead as a 3 in 1 jump as imagine will bemuch less stressful than 3seperate attempts

The tickets had be pre booked so I can't go

We have pistols at dawn situation with mealtimes now
Dd2 eats with me as she gets very anxious I agreed over a year ago we would eat after D's/lil zoo(and she eats different things,but that's a whole other story) anyway Thursday night she was very anxious as we ate and was tap her foot.it was late,I was tired and asked her to stop as was irritating.she ate her food then flounce upstairs claiming j made her much worse now as couldn't let out her anxiety tapping.declared go "scotll 5mins upstairs" I reminded her if left too long in evening I will nod off so we won't watch her David show together.i was dozing when she returned 45 mins laterand that created a row.she declared from.niw on j feed D's/lil zoo,then me,then her.i refused discuss as was tired and went sleep.she storm upstairs
Friday I decide we all eat yog as eat separate isn't working better and I'm refuse do 3meal sittings..
Lunch was fraught,she left half(norm eats twice as much if just two if us to what I'd given her) causing lil zoo to trigger and only eat half her sandwich...
Dinner she was having panic again.we put music on and chat.sje continue sit small table near us.row over melon.im not f*eat it.she norm has 4slices of the 10 pk.ds/lil zoo have 3each
She took 2 after I said don't eat we all sit here til it's done.lil zoo refused extra slice

*scroll 5mins upstairs
Fave show
Sorry for typos

This is the thread I've been looking for. DD17 us massive anxiety issues, some sort of perfectionism complex(can't remember the name the counsellor gave it) and I suspect Aspergers as well.
We've been on a roller coaster 5 years of self harm, 2 overdoses, the last of which was ten days ago.
She has a pet time timetable and 28% attendance the last 2 years at school and has managed her first year of art college - almost - project deadline is next Friday.
She's recently got herself a part time job which I'm so proud of her for doing and so far sticking with. She's had a couple of meltdowns at work but they've been really supportive.
I am exhausted tho. The constant worry. The effect it's had on DS who has now moved in with his dad. Will she ever manage independently? I've looked at PIP, don't think she'd get it.
she's so bright and beautiful and has such shite self esteem.

Milly the fact she's able to manage a job and school are positive signs she's at least able to function with her anxiety.im hopefuljump will spot this.shes our resident claiming expert
It is very stressful caring for an anxious child and the fallout on other family members can be very full on.
Do you still see lots of D's?
Who do you go to to offload?it's really important not to bottle it in,plus I say it often you wouldn't let you phone battery run down don't let your emotional one either.time out looks different to us all and over the past few years has been from painting toenails to hide in a cupboard eat bar ofchocolate!if it eases your load and allows you to plod on that's all that matters