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Original poster

I can't do this anymore

147 replies

TurtleTortoise · 07/05/2020 07:28

I was only scraping by as it is.
Every day I'm expected to carry on living with the pain of not having my own family. The pain of the things I've been through in life. I've fought to go on so many times, desperately hoping for and trying to build a better future, but this lockdown is too much. My plans for the summer all gone. Not even allowed a hug. My stupid consolation plans for being unable to live the life I'd want.
If I posted on here in normal times I'd be told to do some interesting classes, get our there and meet more people, still time to meet someone and have a family blah blah. But it's all been taken away by the lockdown.
People who have families matter when they die, I don't. I'd rather die of Corona than go through this. I'm all out of energy to carry on

OP posts:
Biscuit0110 · 07/05/2020 07:34

You won't need to for much longer, you have two days left until the announcement and then hopefully things will start to improve for you, and for everyone.

Most of us feel like we have reached the end of the road too, in various ways and different reasons.

Coronavirus will not always be here, at some point, like all things it will pass. Flowers

bellinisurge · 07/05/2020 07:34

Oh bloody hell , I'm sorry you feel so shit and are really enduring some tough stuff.
Please call the Samaritans-116123.

Original poster
TurtleTortoise · 07/05/2020 07:36

But the announcement is just going to be about going back to work and things. I'm not going to suddenly be allowed a hug in two days

OP posts:
Original poster
TurtleTortoise · 07/05/2020 07:41

And even if I was, what's the point? The lockdown just demonstrates how pointless my existence is. So painful, every day, and for nothing.

Even the distractions of summer festivals and other plans are all gone

OP posts:
bellinisurge · 07/05/2020 07:52

You've obviously been through some shit. And it sounds like you were taking some great steps to kind of get yourself back up again. Having whatever fragile systems you built up to help you knocked down again is terrible for you.
I strongly suspect more people will be hugging each other as soon as they can. I know a very standoff ish person who has recently said to people(not even particularly friends) "I am looking forward to giving people a hug".
It sounds pathetic to say it but hugs will come.

bellinisurge · 07/05/2020 07:55

There seem to be some lovely people on this thread. Please take a look

The positive mental health thread part 6 www.mumsnet.com/Talk/coronavirus/3885764-The-positive-mental-health-thread-part-6

cheninblanc · 07/05/2020 08:03

Cab you start to plan your social bubble now? For me it won't work, it'll cause so much anxiety but for people on their own it's great

Noooblerooble · 07/05/2020 08:09

I'm in the same boat op so I can understand your feelings more than many. There have been times in the last few weeks that I've felt I can't get through it and it's been excruciatingly painful but I'm glad I hung on.

Can you please pick up the phone and ask for help. There is some NHS support right now, some charities offering help for free and lots of private psychologists and counsellors who can hold your hand through the next few weeks. It does make a surprising difference if you find someone good.

There are also ways you can volunteer and help others so you're not so on your own and for some reason it does help you feel better, connecting with others that way.

This is a temporary problem. A very drawn out, horribly painful temporary, yes. But we will come out the other side and there will are lots of good things to hang on for including lots of hugs and connection with others. It's helped me to sit and write down exactly what I am hanging on for. This week I've just been thinking about swimming in the warm sea in Greece and eating some really lovely fresh food there. And going for a long hike somewhere beautiful like Germany. It's little things too like I want to stick around and hear a lot more birdsong and eat chocolate and maybe get to kiss a really gorgeous man again (anything is possible if you're still alive. Well many things are!)

Just find a way to get through each bad day. I do a bit if knitting each day and I find creating something I'm proud of which grows each day helps me. It means this time isn't all aboit the virus.

And better days really are on the horizon. No it isn't going to be instant but it will ease. I found a new shop to go in the other day to buy fiod and the shopkeepee was so friendly we stood and talked for just a few minutes and it made all the difference in the world to talk in real life to a nice human so try to find yourself little connections like that.

Mascotte · 07/05/2020 08:11

@TurtleTortoise have a virtual hug. I understand how you feel, it's the feeling there's nothing to look forward to as well. But the news seems slightly more positive today. Do you have a friend in a similar position at all that you could meet with? It's allowed for mental health reasons? Things will get better - I keep telling myself too!

Original poster
TurtleTortoise · 07/05/2020 08:16

Social bubble thing is terrifying me.
I just know they're going to word it in a way that doesn't help my situation. People will want others in their bubble not me. Another reminder I'm not worth much. There'd one person who's hugs can penetrate this pain but until lockdown is properly lifted I can't see them. They said they're not bothered about missing people anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
TurtleTortoise · 07/05/2020 08:20

I know I could meet with a friend for mental health reasons but it just shows I don't have enough close friends as no one would. I have seen a couple of people in a distanced way and also seen gp. But it doesn't compare to being hugged, loved, or having a family.

OP posts:
Mascotte · 07/05/2020 08:37

What do you normally do when free to do it?

Original poster
TurtleTortoise · 07/05/2020 09:09

Have a hug from my best friend.
I messaged two hours ago and have been ignored.
I don't matter

OP posts:
Mascotte · 07/05/2020 09:12

Can you telephone? Sometimes easier if old school. If not then ring/email the Samaritans just now.

Daffodil101 · 07/05/2020 09:14

Are you plugged into mental health services, turtle?

AmeliaTaylor · 07/05/2020 09:23

Two hours is nothing. The fact that you’ve taken it as further evidence you don’t matter indicates that your mental state is causing you to see everything as a slight/evidence that confirms you don’t matter. When in reality from an outsider’s perspective it’s probably just that they’re busy or having a nap or don’t fancy talking to anyone right now.

You sound so depressed. Your local IAPT are still carrying out therapy via telephone, or you can ring your GP to enquire about antidepressants (or both). Or I can share some stuff here if you like, self help materials to improve depression.

You have a choice here: allow the way you feel to consume you without any resistance. Or at least give it a shot at trying to make some changes to improve your frame of mind so that when lockdown is lifted you’re not a wreck with a huge uphill battle still to fight. It’s your choice Flowers

Original poster
TurtleTortoise · 07/05/2020 09:42

It's not my choice. I've been fighting it all the way, for years. I've run out of energy and hope

OP posts:
Original poster
TurtleTortoise · 07/05/2020 09:44

Mental health services won't help me. Never would. I've had to make my own way, and now it's all gone

OP posts:
ravensoaponarope · 07/05/2020 09:56

Hi @TurtleTortoise, can I send you a virtual hug? I know it's a very poor substitute for the real thing.
My mum came last week, we had had long enough apart. And we hugged.
I hope your friend replies soon and that you are able to meet up (as you say it's both permitted and vital for mental health.
i have had lots of support from a mental health charity and my therapist or i would feel exactly the same as you (have still had times of feeling like it).
Please know that you are not alone and that things will change.
At my loneliest in this, I made friends with a neighbourhood cat. I also decided some sheep were my friends and took photos of them daily. Are there any animals nearby you could bond with? We just need one thing however small to give meaning to our day.

Mascotte · 07/05/2020 09:59

@TurtleTortoise I understand what you're saying. It's really hard. Please ring the Samaritans and have a chat.

Then pop back in here and tell us what your usual coping mechanisms are. Do you do exercise, or groups? I'm struggling without structure and my usual things too. Not that I'm good at things but they keep me sane. Well, sane ish.

Ring them?

Original poster
TurtleTortoise · 07/05/2020 10:09

Friend says it's too much can't be there for me
This is hell, I can't be good enough, I can't do what people want, I can't be fine

OP posts:
Original poster
TurtleTortoise · 07/05/2020 10:11

I do various things, I'm not bored. Might be easier if I was I could just hide a bit and watch films or something
I just need people but I'm alone and unloved

OP posts:
Mascotte · 07/05/2020 10:29

I am very bored and unmotivated 😳 I hate my own company and being stuck

So, what things do you do? Inspire me

Mascotte · 07/05/2020 10:29

And ring the Samaritans

AmeliaTaylor · 07/05/2020 10:32

People are trying to help, but it seems you’ve already decided nothing can or will help and that’s that.

What is it you’d like from us? If it’s just a place to vent or a handhold that’s okay. Might be worth having a think about what support you’d like and letting us know so that people aren’t giving advice or ideas if you don’t want that Flowers