I can't do this anymore

[TurtleTortoise]

I was only scraping by as it is.
Every day I'm expected to carry on living with the pain of not having my own family. The pain of the things I've been through in life. I've fought to go on so many times, desperately hoping for and trying to build a better future, but this lockdown is too much. My plans for the summer all gone. Not even allowed a hug. My stupid consolation plans for being unable to live the life I'd want.
If I posted on here in normal times I'd be told to do some interesting classes, get our there and meet more people, still time to meet someone and have a family blah blah. But it's all been taken away by the lockdown.
People who have families matter when they die, I don't. I'd rather die of Corona than go through this. I'm all out of energy to carry on

And it's awful cos I do trust him but it's other people making this happen. I don't have control over anything important in my life, others get to ruin my life and cause huge pain and I can't stop them
It's not safe, nothings safe if they can do this

Op, I've been seeing my friends, just keeping the 2 metre distance. Can you not do that?

But it's not fair that done people get to have people round them
It's completely evil to force people to be isolated. I want to die of Corona, can't live like this.
They should force everyone into solitary confinement if they are going to do it to a fee of us. I'm sick of suffering for others

I have to pretend to be ok for friends. That's another reason he matters so much, only local friend who really accepts me. We don't have to pretend with each other

I was in so much pain before this all started, now lifelines are all gone
They can't make me live in this evil torture

I don't matter enough to have my own family,or to make decisions about my own life
The government can torture me like this andi can't stop them
It's not safe

Op can your friend not move in with you or you move in with them during lockdown?

Keep talking.
Can you make a cup of tea/ coffee?
Are your pets there?
Focus on surviving this minute, and then the next.
You sound so sad and broken- I’m finding this hard enough without the trauma you speak of. Call the go again. Keep calling.
You matter. The lockdown will end.

Not straightforward cos of pets, also he didn't want to (although he did originally suggest it). Doesn't make any difference to risk if I'm here though, I live alone.
I just can't understand why I'm expected to go on living in such intolerable circumstances.
Im autistic and hugs really matter to me. I felt safe in his hug and all I know is that's the only thing that could help now, because that feeling is the opposite of this

I am so sorry for you. Solitary confinement is a form of torture and nobody should have to go through it.

You have probably already thought of this, but do you have any family members or know someone else in a similar situation where you could combine households and move in together? I think this would be allowed as it is meeting up with someone, but rather combining as one household.

I actually came here this morning thinking of starting a thread very like yours. I am really struggling too and just feel like I can’t go on with this much longer.

Unlike you, I am lucky that I do have my husband, but he is working from home doing 14 hour days and all weekend as he is a key worker. I am in the extremely vulnerable shielded group and have been told we are not supposed to go out at all, but we live in a small flat with no garden.

Like you I am finding it so hard to live like this and feel very envious of all the people with gardens and families and those meeting up with friends and having socially isolated street parties etc.

It is really highlighting the things that we don’t have that others do.

I desperately want children, but can’t carry a baby to full term. I have had counselling to deal with this loss, but this situation is dragging up all the feelings. I adore children and normally I cope by spending lots of time with the kids of families and friends and doing volunteer work involving children. It feels like it is killing me that I don’t have any contact with them at the moment.

I so much want to feel grass and the sunshine and play with a child. Without these simple joys it feels like the world is over.

Sorry I can’t help you, but it thought you might like to know you aren’t the only one struggling.

Oh I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling too.

You are expected to live through these aweful times just like everybody else is expected to.

What people who are coping are doing is managing to say this is shit now but it's for the best long term

It is not the fault of the government any more than it's the fault of the british public who voted them in

It's the result of a random act of nature, the sort of random event that occurs regularly through history

Look at what you can control, not at what you can't. Look at what you can do not what you can't. Hope to the future and live for today

Remember why you are making these sacrifices, because without them many people would die, our NHS would break, grief would overwhelm so many people, and before that, terror , society could disintegrate. That would be even worse to live though.

Your actions, and the actions of people all around are making sure that the get the best possible future not the worst possible . It just takes time.

No other people are allowed people round them, and aren't suffering with huge trauma being reignited too

I can't control the pain, you are just victim blaming.

But death is in my control

I see that you are in pain. You miss your best friend.

But the mother of his child(ren) is currently pregnant. The child they share is going back and forth between them. It just shows that your friend is a good person, unwilling to risk the health of his child's future sibling. I can see why you are such good friends...he sounds lovely and caring.

However painful this is for you, you do need to understand that in some circumstances, the risk of meeting is just too much.

Can you have a zoom or facetime call in the meantime?

Many people have no one around them. About 1 in 4 of the people I know.

I wish I could help you.

@TurtleTortoise have you eaten this morning? Get some breakfast and a cup of tea

I’m here. We don’t know each other but I’m here. I’ve been in that dark awful place too. You can do this, it will be ok. Keep talking, please.

I can't live in a world where I am forced to suffer more because others are lucky enough to have children. And it's not actually her who's pregnant, I just said that to keep it simple,didn't see the need for detail when I originally mentioned it. Its her partner. If she's going to be so precious about it perhaps she should go and live alone, not force it on othera

I think everyone is scared. Even if they are putting a brave face on it. Even if they have no underlying health conditions. I’m scared I’m going to get it.
I have a best friend who lives alone. I call them regularly and message but I can’t go see them for a socially distanced walk because they are an hour away and I’d have to get public transport.
We support each other with sharing feelings, jokes, news articles.
Is there anything you want to do when restrictions are lifted OP?
Me and my friend are going to have a weekend away somewhere, do lots of walking, drink lots of wine and catch up.
We have no date in the diary or location in mind but thinking about that weekend is keeping me going.
Sorry you are feeling this way. I know words only go so far but there are people that care OP.
Can you speak to your GP this morning and get some help from them? Or do you have any support groups near you? You said you volunteer. Could you get out this morning to meet that group to keep busy?
Try and focus on the things that matter to you OP.
Your friend is unavailable right now. It might make you feel better to simply ‘park’ him in the unavailable box and focus on people who are there.

It’s ok. I know how awful it feels when all control is taken away.

I mean, it makes no sense. I've offered to completely self isolate for two weeks so we could meet. They're doing other things that are far more risky than me seeing him!! Somehow there's always a good enough reason for others to break the rules but not me

I am so sorry you’re feeling like this.
I was in the same place a few weeks ago, absolutely furious that some people are having a lovely lockdown with their families, enjoying time in their gardens, while I’ve been forced into solitary confinement in a flat with no outdoor space. So I understand that you’re raging and wishing they all had to suffer as you are (I think those in favour of lockdown continuing for months would change their tune quickly if they’d had to live entirely alone.) Please do call a helpline, or keep writing on here if it helps, just to get those feelings out.

For what it’s worth, those feelings did eventually pass for me, and I hope they do for you as well. In the meantime we’re here, thinking of you. If there is anything you can think of that would make you feel better, do it, whether it’s against “the rules” or not. Hug your other friend again, or go for a long walk or drive to someplace that makes you feel happy. I’m so sorry you’re in this awful situation. It will end, you’re very strong to have come this far. Just take it one minute at a time.

Cross posted - that must be infuriating, I’m sorry.

I just cannot put into words the deep terror at feeling so unsafe and out of control of anything that could help
The last few years I thought I'd really recovered a lot apart from the grief of no family, but now all the terror has come back
I don't know how to make it stop

It's the rule breaking that makes it so unfair. Would be easier to bear if they were being fastidious across the board. To think I was worried about his ex being alone for this! (Original situation, too outing to explain)
But come to think of it maybe they didn't say he can't see me, maybe
Thetroutofnocraic is on to something. I thought he wasn't telling me they'd dictated that because he didn't want to upset me more, but maybe they didn't and he's just choosing that. He is very kind. That would make it a little easier to bear, but still so shit that I have to miss out twice because I'm not lucky enough to have a partner and be pregnant. I miss the DC so much too. I was an honorary family member

It's so terrifying that I can fight on for years and have the government just take everything away. Ivebeen trying so hard for so long and they can just throw it all away

I tried to be positive against the odds
It's like the universe just decreed I'm worthless and will do anything to make sure I can't have anything nice