I can't do this anymore

[TurtleTortoise]

I was only scraping by as it is.
Every day I'm expected to carry on living with the pain of not having my own family. The pain of the things I've been through in life. I've fought to go on so many times, desperately hoping for and trying to build a better future, but this lockdown is too much. My plans for the summer all gone. Not even allowed a hug. My stupid consolation plans for being unable to live the life I'd want.
If I posted on here in normal times I'd be told to do some interesting classes, get our there and meet more people, still time to meet someone and have a family blah blah. But it's all been taken away by the lockdown.
People who have families matter when they die, I don't. I'd rather die of Corona than go through this. I'm all out of energy to carry on

Sorry you are feeling crap OP.

Hadjab it is her fault. If she hadn't chosen to be pregnant she wouldn't be being so controlling over him seeing me (,she's not pregnant by him btw new partner)

But blaming someone for being pregnant is not going to help.

I haven't left the house in nearly 3 months. It's very tough. Lots are struggling.
Please call the samaritans.
For me, grounding myself with reading and watching things where people are going through worse helps me to see the light. May not work for you but equally I think it's important you remember that it's not just you.

Try not to be so negative about his ex, the government, other people etc negativity breeds negativity. Maybe try turn it into a positive that your friend is a lovely man to follow guidelines and protect his children. But please phone your GP now and ask for help, you need to be seen by the crisis team ASAP

They don't give proper mental health help when you need it, you spend years finding your own way and recovering on your own, then they take that away too.
The being positive and focus on what you can control stuff only goes so far. And it only works cos it helps you build your life up so it is genuinely positive. Trying to be positive, fruitlessly, against the odds is just soul destroying.
I tried for so long, I've been so fucking strong for so long, can't the universe cut me some slack?

Have you called samaritans?
Or you can self-refer to the crisis team

I spoke to the crisis team the other day, they were not helpful. I was struggling to talk, felt so weighed down I could hardly move. They phoned back later "to confirm you're not willing to engage with us".
When people speak in this coercive way, trying to force you to accept their weird framing of the situation, it totally overwhelmes me.
They do not account for trauma, or autism.

I really have nothing useful to add, but I wanted to say you aren't worthless, your friends and family care about you but this situation is beyond anyone's control.
I'm sorry your going through this it's truly shit, I know many people who are struggling being on their own. Have you looked online for any support groups in your local area? I know in ours there is an online group where people are going for support and company? Maybe something like that could help?

There are countless people in the same situation as you at the moment. it's difficult, but try to look on the positive side and take strength from the fact they are getting through it, and so are you! It's truly an unprecedented time and hard enough for those who have family they can contact, so don't discount how far you've come.

Now is not the time to give up, we're emerging from the cave now; just starting to see the light, now is the time to keep going. It will make freedom all the more sweet.

Seek help where it is needed and accept any that is offered to you.

Hi Turtle, I am moved to tears reading your post. Emotional pain is torture and feels like it will never end. It will end though. You have to hang in there. I was in a similar complicated situation as you and it just makes something that is really hard unbearable. I just kept reminding myself that people are making these decisions because they are terrified.
Please take care of yourself. I'm hoping you will start to cope better with this soon. Sending you hugs.

Hi again Turtle,

We're really sorry to hear things haven't improved for you yet. We know we posted some links to support for you before but here they are again in case they're of any use.

We're going to move your thread over to our Mental Health board for you because we think there might be even more people over there who will have an understanding of your situation and might be able to offer help and support.

Just wanted to say I am following your thread Turtle and I hope you feel better soon. I don't know how to comfort you apart from to say you will not feel this way forever, nothing is forever. Give the lovely people at Samaritans, they will help you.

Already the crisis is past the worst now, it really is. You have already been through the worst of this, and soon we will all be out of this dark place.
You are not alone, and no matter how hard things might seem right now, at some point you will turn the corner Turtle. Stick with it, keep going. The summer is coming, as each week passes it will get easier

Hey @TurtleTortoise virtual hug and good vibes from me

I can't explain the sickening pain of trusting someone for the first time and them leaving

You dont need to. My friend who I trusted said he cant support me any more. It's too much. Not personal etc I miss his hugs too, he was the only person I trusted enough to hug.

Aside from the autism, I'm in the exact same situation. And if one more well meaning person tells me to call the samaritans I will string them up with the fucking phone wire. It's the least helpful thing they can say and just shuts you down.

Do you have a counsellor or therapist? It's not helping me much as I cant convince myself to reach out to him because I cant take a rejection.

But we cant give up, we're past the peak. If we quit now then all that struggle was for nothing.

So many people in here do care about you @turtletortoise and also sadly so many in the same place. I am not alone but I am very anxious and depressed (and autistic). The not knowing when we can get to see people and the lack of control are driving me crazy. Most of what you are saying is so tainted by the depression that you can't see the light at the end. There is always an end and this too will end. I have mantras I repeat to myself "this will pass", "I can do this", and so on and I think they do help. I did an online CBT course which helped more than I thought it would and finding people here who are also struggling is helpful in that we know we are not alone (and as someone pointed out earlier - for once we are "normal" as everyone is feeling like this to some extent). Virtual hugs to you all

I can't control the pain, you are just victim blaming

With the greatest of respect OP, that's utter bollocks. You have the power to change your circumstances, or at the very least ease them, you possibly haven't realised that yet, or you're not at a point where you feel you can, but it is possible. Rather than focusing on his pregnant ex and how evil/selfish/whatever she is, push for access to mental health services. If you're as alone as you say you are, then you need to learn to advocate for yourself. I guess the end goal is whether or not you want to be around to get hugs from your friend - you say they are the only thing that can help you, then they must be worth pushing on for?

Hadjab
I pushed for access to mental health services for years. And had to keep going back and pushing again. For well over a decade.
It got me labelled as demanding and the more I asked the more they treated it as unreasonable. I have a copy of a letter to my doctor from therapy services saying they decided to take a united front and refuse to treat me, so please stop referring.
The most painful times of my life are bound up with their cold indifference when I needed them most. The hours in police cells when the crisis team refused to see me and the police didn't know what to do, or in A&E flanked by cops, waiting all night just to be told to go home and have a cup of tea. This nightmare world I was in from late teens where I tried so hard but no one would help me. The pain inside that once again takes my breath away that I thought was long gone. The fucked up place my brain ended up where being manhandled by police was almost comforting because it was the only touch I knew in the most terrifying times.

They wouldn't help me. At some point I realised it was like repeatedly going back to an abuser, begging them to treat me right. I had to find my own way.
And I fought on, for so many years, through so much. And eventually was lucky enough to learn what it felt like to feel safe in a loving hug.

So please don't patronise me with the positive thinking bollox. It only leads to darker places where I feel worse for failing to be happy. Don't pretend my pain can just be cast aside if I choose, because that only intensifies it. If you knew me and my history you would know how much I've pushed on, long past when others would have given up.

My friend who understood this stuff killed herself a few months ago. I'm glad she doesn't have to suffer any more.
Living on for hugs from my best friend isn't worth it, no. I don't do it for me, I do if for him. I can't leave him permanently, because what if he needs a hug?

nothingcanhurtme

I totally understand. I'm so sorry you're going through the same thing.
I don't know about you but I find it really frustrating when I am willing to give as good (if not more) than I get. I don't want to be needy and "too much" to support, I want a mutually supportive thing! Which we were doing nicely until lockdown happened, and he emotionally shuts off and goes distant so it's incredibly hard to offer support (and can't give practical support obvs) so the dynamic becomes me being needy and completely unable to comfort him in return.

I seem to be a serial thread killer ... are you ok @turtle?

Doing a lot better, thank you. Meeting people at 2m distance...

That's good .... I am too after meeting a pal who means a lot to me

I want a mutually supportive thing! Which we were doing nicely until lockdown happened, and he emotionally shuts off and goes distant so it's incredibly hard to offer support (and can't give practical support obvs) so the dynamic becomes me being needy and completely unable to comfort him in return.

I do wonder if some of your vitriol towards his ex and her pregnant partner and other people with kids (which includes him, right?) is coming across to him. You’re very fortunate to have a friend who cares for you, to be treated like an honorary family member. Many people don’t have anyone even when lockdown comes to an end. But you are at grave danger of pushing these people away if any of the rage you display towards them on this thread comes across to them. Hopefully you are just using this as a place to vent when you’re feeling particularly enraged or upset so that you don’t throw it at your friend as it’d be a shame for that friendship to tank.

Sometimes people do end up going distant and needing a little space and you have to allow them that and find alternative ways to cope: being someone’s ‘everything’ to help them function isn’t fun or sustainable, you are friends but nobody likes to feel suffocated or grasped onto like that. If your friend needs some space for a while I hope you love and respect him enough to allow that without making him feel guilty or trying to cling on more.

AmeliaTaylor You’re very fortunate to have a friend who cares for you, to be treated like an honorary family member.

What I meant by cutting off was that he seems like he doesn't want this anymore.

Many people don’t have anyone even when lockdown comes to an end.

Yes, I know. I've been extremely isolated at points in my life and it's taken ages to remedy, and lockdown threatens other fledgling friendships. It's why my relationship with him is so precious, I've never really had a trusted other in my life before.

Hopefully you are just using this as a place to vent

Yup. But my lack of children whilst othes get to have them does make me despair at the unfairness of the world. It's not just me, try speaking to anyone dealing with infertility for eg.

being someone’s ‘everything’ to help them function isn’t fun or sustainable, you are friends but nobody likes to feel suffocated or grasped onto like that.

I'm not asking to be each other's "everything". Just frustrated that we had a nice mutually supportive thing and because I can no longer easily help him it ends up being just me needing support, whereas when I can help him too that also gives me strength.

Actually he has started to open up a bit this last few days and we are now back in balance. Not huge things, just quiet encouragement, mainly by working out "together" again.