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Original poster

I can't do this anymore

147 replies

TurtleTortoise · 07/05/2020 07:28

I was only scraping by as it is.
Every day I'm expected to carry on living with the pain of not having my own family. The pain of the things I've been through in life. I've fought to go on so many times, desperately hoping for and trying to build a better future, but this lockdown is too much. My plans for the summer all gone. Not even allowed a hug. My stupid consolation plans for being unable to live the life I'd want.
If I posted on here in normal times I'd be told to do some interesting classes, get our there and meet more people, still time to meet someone and have a family blah blah. But it's all been taken away by the lockdown.
People who have families matter when they die, I don't. I'd rather die of Corona than go through this. I'm all out of energy to carry on

OP posts:
BaconandWaffles · 10/05/2020 22:03

I am so sorry. If I were you I’d say fuck the rules. Tell your friends how much you’re struggling, maybe you can meet in the park or someone’s garden. Nobody with sense would judge you for that.

BaconandWaffles · 10/05/2020 22:06

Also someone pointed out on another thread that the govt is never going to tell us “great go see your friends and families!” They care about the economy, they couldn’t care less about people suffering. I would go ahead and meet people, at a 2 meter distance if necessary.

Lokikitty · 10/05/2020 22:46

I am so sorry that things have not improved. There's no real changes for most people.
You are definitely not worthless because you haven't got a family yet.
I hope you can meet up with someone for the sake of your mental health.
Thinking of you and hoping things get better soon.

ISawATiger · 10/05/2020 23:06

Op, it's devastating isn't it, to have pinned our hopes on some positive news this evening, and then it's all shattered. I'd give anything just to see my mom, not even necessarily to hug her, just to see her and talk to her. Was really hoping that would become a reality after today's announcement, but no joy.
Anyway, can you tell me about your pets? I'm an animal lover and have dogs, cats, and froglets currently. Froglets need to be released tomorrow and I will miss them terribly. They've given me a job to do when I've been bored and feeling useless.

Rhica · 10/05/2020 23:16

Maybe you could become a volunteer. My neighbour does the shopping for those in our village that are elderly or vulnerable - something like that might help you socialise and give you a purpose.

It feels like forever but it is only temporary please please remember that.

koffeetoast · 10/05/2020 23:18

Sorry that you're feeling this way OP. As another poster said earlier, this season will definitely pass. You definitely do matter, there is always hope. Perhaps you can start planning for all the things you would like to do next year. Please don't give up on life. The fact people are responding to you on here shows that your feelings do matter and you matter, even virtually.

ilikeitupthebum · 10/05/2020 23:18

Op, can totally relate to what your saying, although I knew tonight's announcement wasn't going to change anything for me as I'm in the shielded group just hearing it laid out that this is going to continue for some time as finished me.
I'm lucky I can still work from home and speak to my family's online etc, but I am totally done with the new routine, exercising at home because I can't go out, finding things to do to keep me entertained. I'm just done so completely done.

Coffeeandbeans · 10/05/2020 23:25

My son volunteers in a local community shop. Not ideal but could you volunteer somewhere. Means you get out. If I was you I would arrange to meet a friend for a walk.

Original poster
TurtleTortoise · 10/05/2020 23:35

I'm in the local volunteer group.

I just need people around me I actually know and really need hugs.

I can't really explain to anyone who lives nearby how much I'm struggling - these are friendships I maintain by not wearing my heart on my sleeve. Those who would understand/agree to meet for mental health reasons/could move in with are all too far away.

There is one person who if I could see them and only them it would make a huge difference, but they are religiously sticking to lockdown rules so I can't. I'm finding this pretty upsetting too, as we are (were?) very close so their apparent apathy to meeting is quite painful in itself. They do tend to withdraw in times of stress but yeh basically I also feel I've lost the closest person in my life.

OP posts:
Original poster
TurtleTortoise · 10/05/2020 23:46

My life was painful and difficult enough already without this. Every possible thing that gave me any satisfaction or was something to look forward to has gone.

It was bad enough already trying to cope with the grief of not having my own family, not even a partner. And now we're in this hellish situation where the only worthwhile thing left is spending time with your family, and I don't have one. I knew the freedoms of being childless were a very poor subsititute for that, I don't need it rubbed in my face like this.

OP posts:
TotorosFurryBehind · 11/05/2020 21:40

I'm sorry you are still feeling so down Turtle. How frustrating and painful it must be that your close friend nearby is a stickler for 'the rules'.

Original poster
TurtleTortoise · 12/05/2020 00:45

Well someone naughty came and gave me a hug today...

OP posts:
BaconandWaffles · 12/05/2020 06:27

I’m so glad you got a hug @TurtleTortoise! I’m sure it helped a lot Smile

Mascotte · 12/05/2020 06:29

Yay, @TurtleTortoise 😊

StealthPolarBear · 12/05/2020 06:47

" they considered children going between households right at the start, how the fuck can we be 7 weeks in and they still haven't considered people living alone?"
Excellent point. Glad you got your hug. I'm afraid I don't know what the answer is either but hold on, this can't go on forever.

Disposableplates · 12/05/2020 07:47

OP I'm very glad you got a hug. You are definitely right, people that live alone have been totally forgotten about. I'm struggling badly with the lack of human contact and my own company 24/7. Yes video chats are great but then they end and I'm left wondering what next to do.
I am hoping lockdown is eased at the end of this 3 weeks, as I cannot face 12 weeks without a hug. My support network are all sticking to the rules so wont be able to get one till it's all over.

Biscuit0110 · 12/05/2020 07:49

Fabulous! I hope they come back and repeat!

Original poster
TurtleTortoise · 12/05/2020 13:01

Yes, it was amazing. They said it was good for them too!

I also spoke to the person I most want a hug from and we actually had a proper chat about it. Less that he's apathetic, more just scared and unable to think about meeting again as it's so upsetting not knowing when. We're being more supportive to each other now.

Sadly, and I'm writing it here because I need to get it out, I think his hand is being forced due to sharing childcare with now pregnant ex. I suspect he feels that due to "vulnerable group" he can't see anyone else even if it's allowed by the rules. So, because someone else is lucky enough to be pregnant/have children, I have to miss out once again. Double whammy of shit. And he won't be saying it because he knows how upsetting it is for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
TurtleTortoise · 12/05/2020 13:15

Disposableplates I am hoping lockdown is eased at the end of this 3 weeks, as I cannot face 12 weeks without a hug. My support network are all sticking to the rules so wont be able to get one till it's all over.

It's frustrating not having a partner in crime to hug, isn't it? And beyond bonkers that it's a "partner in crime" to do so...
(Obviously I mean still being sensible, joining one household type thing. I won't go near anyone for a couple of weeks now.)

According to the government document, in stage two (not the same as "level two"...) where they are thinking about schools going back, they are considering some specific rule for the "most isolated" eg. people who live alone (p. 30 iirc). It's suggested this may be to join one household or something like that.

Fingers crossed it's something sensible and you won't have to wait for much longer.

Flowers or Gin if you prefer...

OP posts:
Original poster
TurtleTortoise · 13/05/2020 05:57

Please please is anybody there?

OP posts:
Lianarose · 13/05/2020 06:08

Hi Turtle, I’m here. I’m sorry you’re feeling bad. Do you want to talk about it. You’re not alone Flowers

Original poster
TurtleTortoise · 13/05/2020 06:10

I need to see my best friend so much. It's not fair that stupid selfish ex gets to ruin this.

OP posts:
Original poster
TurtleTortoise · 13/05/2020 06:11

I'm in so much pain, feel like the world sees me as not human and expects me to go through so much more pain without flinching yet others matter

OP posts:
Original poster
TurtleTortoise · 13/05/2020 06:12

Waking up in a panic every night, physically sick with anxiety
I can't do this
I just want the pain tobstop

OP posts:
Original poster
TurtleTortoise · 13/05/2020 06:14

I'm treated like I don't matter because in not lucky enough to have a family.
Stupid selfish woman who's lucky enough to be pregnant is allowed to control my life by stopping my best friend seeing me. If she's gonna be so fucking precious maybe she should isolate, not inflict it on others

OP posts: