Everyone thinks I have PND, I think I just hate being a Mum

[someonecallthethoughtpolice]

Have name changed for obvious reasons. This will be long, sorry. But I think I need to get it out.

I have 2 DC, a 5 year old and a 7 month old baby. I was diagnosed with PND when baby was a couple of weeks old and have recently started seeing a Psychologist having been on a waiting list for a few months.

I love my children and there is nothing I wouldn't do for them. Everything I do is for them. I am entirely motivated to make sure they are happy and very well cared for. But I shouldn't have had them.

If I could go back in time and warn my pre-child self I would. I would tell her that if she has a baby it will be a relentless, thankless slog. Then just as it starts to get easier and she starts to get some semblance of a life back she will end up giving into societal pressure and her DC's constant begging for a sibling and start the whole nightmare all over again, later kicking herself for adding years onto what feels like a self-imposed prison sentence.

I really do love my children. But I don't enjoy parenting them. I find it stressful and boring in equal measure. The relentlessness. The repetition. The lack of freedom and spontaneity. The sleepless nights. The awkwardness of trying to force friendships with women I have nothing in common with because our DC's happen to play together at breaktime. Weekends lost to homework projects, swimming lessons and children's birthday parties. Sitting in a circle with a group of strangers singing "Wind the Bobbin Up" to largely oblivious babies and pretending we don't all feel completely fucking ridiculous. The illness, the mess, the tears and tantrums, the guilt and the worry that however much you do with them and for them it's never quite enough. I hate it all.

I want to be able to eat, shower and shit when I want without interruptions. To leave the house when I want. To sleep all night. To have the time to pursue interests and hobbies. To have the energy to have sex with my DH. To be able to consider career options based on what I actually want, not what will "work around the kids".
I want to be free. I often fantasise about running away and starting a new life in a place where no one knows me. Of course I knew it would be hard, I knew there would be sacrifice. But everyone always tells you "it's worth it". And I believed them.

Of course there are things, moments really, that I like about being a Mum. DD is so clever, she makes me laugh and I love how kind she is to her baby brother and her inquisitive mind. I love the smell of my baby's head, I enjoy making him chuckle and reading him stories. But it's not enough to balance out all the drudgery, sacrifice and above all, the loss of freedom. It doesn't feel worth it. I know it should, but it doesn't.

I feel like I've lost myself completely. I feel like I've taken a wrong turn somewhere and wandered into the 'wrong' life. But I have no right to feel that way because apparently it's the life I chose. So now I'm exhausted, not just from having a baby who won't sleep, but from having to enthusiastically play a character 24/7.

Before everyone piles in to tell me what a terrible person I am and that my DC deserve better, I know. I know I'm lucky and I should just be grateful to have two beautiful, healthy DC. I have a loving, supportive DH. I like my job. I have family close by. I know I have it easier than lots of Mums do. I know that it's not natural or acceptable to feel the way that I do.

I'm deeply ashamed of these thoughts and will spend my life doing everything in my power to make sure that my DC's don't suspect I have them. That's why I've never voiced any of this to anyone IRL, until today when I finally cracked and confessed all to my Psychologist. I told her that I feel guilty taking up her time, taking away a space from someone who is genuinely ill. Because I disagree with my GP, my Health Visitor who referred me to her, and those questionaires they make you do. I'm not depressed. I feel depressed but that's because I don't like my life.

Her response was "I think we should consider antidepressants". I felt like she wasn't hearing me. Or she didn't want to.

I desperately wanted to be a Mum but now that I am, it turns out I don't like it. How is that a mental illness? It's regret, not depression, surely? Yes, I do feel distressed, but so much of that is guilt because I know I'm not supposed to feel this way. And yes, I feel hopeless but that's because I have to live everyday in the knowledge that I've gotten myself into a mess that there is literally no getting out of. But apparently it's not possible to think that, on balance, having your children was probably a mistake unless you're suffering from a mental illness that requires medication.

So am I right in thinking there's no point in carrying on with these therapy sessions when my therapist and I disagree about the situation and from my point of view, there is nothing that can actually be done to change it?

If you actually managed to get through all that, thank you.

OP I'm with you. I don't regret having my kids one iota but I totally feel all the things you described.

Op your so brave. I honestly feel. Exactly the same. Ds is 11mths and I cried after having him for 10 days alone as I just wanted a shower, that's it, on my own and a glass of wine.
I miss my life and choices pre baby. I adore him but its often a thankless slog.
I'm back at work and turned down a promotion as I just can't do it with the childcare, it isn't possible.
I ahve 3 older step kids added to the mix and I genuinely want to leave some days.

If it helps there are probably mothers everywhere that feel like you do. Have you tried a walking group with bbay or somthi g like that or baby exercise class? Not 100% bbay focused and you might meet someone who feels like you.

I feel exactly the same way. My DC are 9 and 6. They’re great: they drive me mad with their constant bickering and fighting but they’re intelligent and quite good fun. Just normal kids. I love them but I’m not ever having any more. I wouldn’t choose to be without them now they’re here and in that way I suppose that makes everything ‘worth it’. Like you, I work very hard to make sure they are happy, feel loved and liked and adored.

I had PND and am still on medication for it. It didn’t help me to like parenting any more but it did help me to enjoy other things again. I was also in an abusive relationship and getting a divorce helped most of all. I now have 4 days a month that are (nearly) child-free and I don’t need a hobby to get me out of the house, so can just do what I want, even if that’s cleaning or reading or even just having a nap. Total sanity-saver.

It’s become much easier now they’re older. Less relentless, less mind-numbingly boring. I enjoy being with them and doing things with them more. We go travelling and do things that I want to do.

It’s not easy to admit you just don’t like parenting. It’s not something that you can know about yourself beforehand. There’s no ‘try before you buy’, no divorce from your kids. All you can do is make the very best of it. Take regular time for yourself, even if it’s booking a £30 room at the nearest premier inn for a night and handing the DC over to your DH from 2pm Saturday to 12 noon Sunday. Take a breath. It will get better.

It so nice to realise its normal. My best mate says she loves her kids and wnats what's best but the are like anything good, too much makes you sick. We're adults not just parents.
I think I'm struggling to fit the mom lable with the I'm still me label.

Hi OP. You are incredibly insightful about your own emotions and reactions and I think this will help you a lot in therapy.

I think you should tell your therapist that you felt her response was dismissive. She will probably respond well.

I feel that you are viewing the PND diagnosis as somehow invalidating your very real and justifiable feelings about motherhood and that the offer of medication is an attempt to "fix" your experience. I would urge you to realise that this is not an either/or situation. You can really not enjoy looking after babies and small children (an experience shared by many many women) AND be suffering from depression. Your therapist likely saw many clear indications of depression such as a flat affect, feelings of hopelessness, lack of enjoyment in things that used to give you pleasure, and felt you needed a fast intervention to relieve some of these symptoms.

I had horrific PND and anti depressants (an a sympathetic therapist) saved me. I still hated my situation and the isolation I felt but I was able to view it as temporary and had the strength to take steps to ameliorate it. This included accepting offers of help from others and making sure I had some time every week to myself.

Best of luck OP. Hope you feel better soon.

Honestly the one thing that has kept me sane through having a baby (now 1 yr old) is taking time out to do my hobby (sport).

I started doing it now and then when baby was 6 weeks old and now baby is one I regularly do my sport twice per week (at weekends when DH looks after baby, and once during the week while baby at nursery).

I do totally feel guilty, not so much at weekends when baby with DH, but I feel massively guilty midweek putting my baby in nursery so I can do my sport. But I remind myself that looking after my physical and mental health is important and benefits my dd as well as me. Plus I want dd to grow up seeing mummy doing her sport and hope that inspires dd to pursue her own sports or other hobbies.

Also returning to work has really helped me. I’m only in the office 2 days per week but I make a point of wearing something nice and smart, doing my make up, eating something nice for lunch, and occasionally having a lunchtime walk round a couple of shops. Makes me feel good about myself again.

Wow. You write so eloquently and our situations are so similar I could have wrote it ALL myself. Will spend some time reading everyone's replies now to try to get some insight for myself. It's nice to know I'm not alone in my thoughts.

You're all amazing. The next time someone refers to MN as a "nest of vipers" I'm going to direct them to this thread. The relief that I'm not the only who has felt like this...it's indescribable. But what I love most is that even the posters who haven't felt the same way have still been extremely kind.

Every single response has been helpful but what's really been brought home to me is that my situation isn't hopeless. There are a lot of things I could do to make it more tolerable, but guilt has been preventing me from doing them. I always come up with lots of practical and logistical reasons why I can't do things just for 'me' but really it's the guilt. Which is one of the reasons I need to keep going with the therapy.

This thread has helped me to see that I need to make some changes. So first things first, I spoke to my DM and she is having the baby tonight so I can sleep. I'm already feeling guilty about it but I know I desperately need the break. And I'm going to spend some time this evening (before I collapse at about 8pm probably!) thinking about steps I need to take to start rebuilding a life for myself that is about more than just work and looking after small children.

Wow OP, what a refreshing thread to read...thank you for your brutal honesty and self-awareness. From my completely unqualified stance, you don't need anti-depressants, especially if that isn't your choice. I found it quite liberating that you just acknowledged that you feel shit and that's ok... (sorry I am paraphrasing). Also, I would thoroughly recommend therapy, and I would also say that there are many therapists that will leave you to make your own decisions medication wise so if this becomes a problem (which it may not do, that might have just been a standard required response) then it might be worth investigating someone else and being clear about what you are looking for from the get go. Good luck and thank you.

I just wanted to add, I have nothing against antidepressants. I would never judge anyone else for taking them and it's not something I've completely ruled out for myself.

I think if my therapist had brought it up at any other time, instead of at that exact moment, I would have just said "ok, I'll give it some thought" and it would've been fine. But the timing made it seem like she was making a judgement. I told her that I'm not enjoying being a Mum and her immediate response was 'this woman needs to be medicated'.

Having thought it over though, I'm almost certain that she wouldn't have meant for it to come out that way and it's entirely possible that because I was anticipating judgement (and judging myself) for having those thoughts, I read too much into her response.

Anyway, I have read with interest the posts from those who've had positive experience with AD's and while my instinct is that it's not the way forward for me right now, I am definitely keeping it in mind as an option if things don't improve.

Perhaps it’s because we are a nest of vipers we can discuss this honestly.
We’re not burdened by the need for approval which is what prevents mothers being candid about how shite much of it can be.
Give me an honest viper over a dishonest fluffy bunny rabbit any day.

Give me an honest viper over a dishonest fluffy bunny rabbit any day

Amen to that!

Op, I remember being absolutely fucking white hot FURIOUS at everyone who told me 'it's so worth it though' - it didn't fucking feel like it. Or 'bet you can't imagine your life without her!' Yes I fucking can. Or 'you wouldn't change a thing though would you?' Yes I fucking would.

My dd is 2 in a month or so and I'm starting to feel less stabby about everything. I definitely did have pnd though. I still think I do some days.

Glad your mum is having the baby though - that's a brilliant help. I have to scrape around anytime I need some babysitting and it's honestly more exhausting than actually going out. It doesn't feel worth it sometimes.

Enjoy your evening and sleep OP! You deserve it x

I am hoping that this might help you to "lose the guilt":

If you start doing some things for yourself, regularly, then it could make you feel happier, which would make you a better mother and a better wife. So it's a win-win-win. You cannot care for others very well if you don't also care for yourself.

Speaking in generalisations, I think that women are socialised to feel like they have to put others first, while men are socialised to feel that they are entitled to their hobbies, mates, etc. That may be the fundamental problem here.

So if you take some time regularly to have a lie-in, engage in a hobby you enjoy, spend time with people you enjoy, etc. while your DH or someone else whom you trust looks after your DC, that's part of recharging your batteries so you can be more present for them, part of giving your DH and DC time to spend together, part of living your own life to which you are also entitled, and part of setting a good example for everyone in your family.

It sounds from your previous posts as though your DH would be supportive of this, which would make him smarter than I was when my own children were small... but that is another story.

OP I also have always been reluctant to take ADs and only took them for one very short period in my life. For me sport & being outdoors acts like a natural AD. If I can do my sport regularly & get loads of fresh air I feel so much better.

I Don’t mean this to be in any way patronising towards those who do need medication, just that I knew I didn’t need medication, I needed to change my circumstances, which in my case was entirely possible. Like you I have a supportive DH and family willing and able to help with childcare which is a massive, massive bonus that not every mum has, sadly. So I made some changes to make time for myself and feel so much better about life.

Sorry, I haven't read the whole thread but just wanted to say, you seem to have incredibly high standards imposed on yourself. I couldn't help wondering if the guilt and distress might be lessened if you lowered your expectations of yourself. I, like you, love my children beyond anything but both times I skipped happily back to working life after maternity leave! Nothing to be ashamed of. And yes, baby groups suck and won't make any difference to your child's wellbeing.

The early years are incredibly hard and you articulated so much of that so well in your post. But that doesn't mean motherhood will feel like that forever. It better not anyway

Hope you had a good nights sleep OP. Thank you for your brave and honest thread. I was desperate to go back to work by about 3 months in with dc2 though stuck it out until 6 months. DP was worried I wouldn’t cope with a second but with lots of strategies in place - dc1 at nursery 3 days a week, home start, a regular routine of getting out in the mornings to park etc to tire children out so could have a peaceful afternoon I actually enjoyed my second mat leave. But going back to work was still great, the sense of people asking my opinions on stuff and being so much more than just mum.

I already feel so much better for having had a baby-free night last night. It was nice to pick DD up from school without having to faff around with pushchairs and car seats etc and to properly listen to her when she told me about her day, instead of always dividing my attention. Once DD was in bed and I actually had some time to myself I found it hard to ignore the pressure to "relax" and enjoy it that makes sense? It was like 'this is your chance to relax, you MUST relax NOW!!' which is obviously not how it works. But it was so nice to eat dinner knowing it wasn't going to be interrupted, to go to bed early with a book (a book that I started months ago and have barely picked up since) and just sleep.

DM is dropping DS back anytime now. Part of me will be happy to see him and give him a big cuddle but part of me is also a bit on edge listening for the door thinking 'oh god, it's about to start all over again'. I'm going to try not to beat myself up about that.

Omg OP you could be me only I have one DC so even less on my plate than you. DH has flexibility and cooks/cleans.

I love DD but sometimes hate being a parent. It's stifling, boring, repetitive, exhausting. I don't understand how to play, I don't want to be climbed on, sat on, pawed at, you name it. DH is much more natural than me.

I was so unhappy I went to my DM when DD was about 18m and said I was leaving DH. I hated my life and just felt like I'd lost me. She said I needed to find something to do for myself and that I was passionate about. We agreed I'd start riding lessons again (did it until 13 and again mid 20s). She would have DD on a Monday and I would go and have a riding lesson. It literally started a process that saved my sanity and my marriage.

4 years later I have my own horse. DH has DD while I am with him and sometimes she comes with me. Not only does the time away restore me but having a project for me has fulfilled me and made me happy in a way raising children never could. DD is amazing, funny, clever and lovely so I couldn't be without her but she needs me present, sane and happy to be the best I can be for her.

I'm not saying this is remotely viable for everyone and I'll don my tin hat for being a twat or a princess or spoilt or whatever else. I know I'm lucky. But I think the crucial thing is what @Yukka said earlier: find things for you and things you're passionate about. Going back to work will help too I'm sure. Don't beat yourself up and don't forget yourself in all the parenting

I don't understand how to play, I don't want to be climbed on, sat on, pawed at, you name it. DH is much more natural than me

Oh my god, so much this. I always thought I was a very affectionate person. I'm from quite a huggy sort of family and don't get me wrong, I love cuddles with my babies most of the time. But sometimes (especially at the end of a long day when I'm exhausted) when DD climbs onto my lap for a cuddle I find myself thinking "ugh I just want some space" and then I instantly feel ashamed because she's wonderful and what kind of monster doesn't want to cuddle their beautiful DD? Then there are times when I look at her and I get this rush of love and I feel like if I don't give her a hug right now I'll burst. I think what I've realised since having DC is that yes, I'm an affectionate person but when it's on my terms. But when you're a Mum it's never on your own terms is it?

I'll don my tin hat for being a twat or a princess or spoilt or whatever else.

I think it's great that you've found something that makes you feel fulfilled and happy. Anyone who would call you a twat for that can absolutely fuck off. Of course it's not an option for everyone but you clearly appreciate what you have so you have nothing to feel bad about.

Quite a few on the thread have mentioned anti-depressants - would any of you care to share which ones worked for you? I'm in a similar boat to OP and would like to try some. Bad experience with Sertraline. Thanks!

I can relate to parts of your post. I don't have PND definitely DoNot! But I agree with many (not all) of your points. I find it very boring and monotonous. I went back to work that made a massive difference to have some adult company.

Mine are 3 and almost 6 now and it is has become much easier although I still feel overwhelmed at times.

I love hugging and kissing them but I'm also someone who craves solitude and your comment about being affectionate on your own terms really resonated. I can do the happy, clappy fun mum stuff but only if I know I have time to myself coming up and so there is 'light at the end of the tunnel' as it were.

I am fortunate (if that is the right word) in that DP has no hobbies, few friends and is happy to spend all his spare time with the kids so I get time to pursue my interests and take time out from them when needed.

I also hated the mum groups. After enduring sensory classes, baby yoga and all the other nonsense I wasted time on when I had DD I didn't go to a single group with DS and he was fine. As they get older I take them to places and activities that actually interest me so DD goes with me once a month so I can see my art exhibitions and she gets a hot chocolate as a treat afterwards for good behaviour in the gallery.

I think my lowest point with DD when she was tiny was having to carry her with me from room to room throughout the day as she screamed relentlessly if I was out of her sight. This meant carrying her into the bathroom while I showered, into the bedroom while I got dressed, into the kitchen to make a cup of tea...She then developed extreme stranger anxiety very early which meant she screamed and cried if people smiled at her or if friends/relatives attempted to hold her. I posted on here numerous times in despair as this behaviour continued way past the age I considered to be normal.

DS arrived when she was 2.4 and was a very easy baby but the stress and tiredness looking after 2 small DC nearly sent me over the edge.