Everyone thinks I have PND, I think I just hate being a Mum

[someonecallthethoughtpolice]

Have name changed for obvious reasons. This will be long, sorry. But I think I need to get it out.

I have 2 DC, a 5 year old and a 7 month old baby. I was diagnosed with PND when baby was a couple of weeks old and have recently started seeing a Psychologist having been on a waiting list for a few months.

I love my children and there is nothing I wouldn't do for them. Everything I do is for them. I am entirely motivated to make sure they are happy and very well cared for. But I shouldn't have had them.

If I could go back in time and warn my pre-child self I would. I would tell her that if she has a baby it will be a relentless, thankless slog. Then just as it starts to get easier and she starts to get some semblance of a life back she will end up giving into societal pressure and her DC's constant begging for a sibling and start the whole nightmare all over again, later kicking herself for adding years onto what feels like a self-imposed prison sentence.

I really do love my children. But I don't enjoy parenting them. I find it stressful and boring in equal measure. The relentlessness. The repetition. The lack of freedom and spontaneity. The sleepless nights. The awkwardness of trying to force friendships with women I have nothing in common with because our DC's happen to play together at breaktime. Weekends lost to homework projects, swimming lessons and children's birthday parties. Sitting in a circle with a group of strangers singing "Wind the Bobbin Up" to largely oblivious babies and pretending we don't all feel completely fucking ridiculous. The illness, the mess, the tears and tantrums, the guilt and the worry that however much you do with them and for them it's never quite enough. I hate it all.

I want to be able to eat, shower and shit when I want without interruptions. To leave the house when I want. To sleep all night. To have the time to pursue interests and hobbies. To have the energy to have sex with my DH. To be able to consider career options based on what I actually want, not what will "work around the kids".
I want to be free. I often fantasise about running away and starting a new life in a place where no one knows me. Of course I knew it would be hard, I knew there would be sacrifice. But everyone always tells you "it's worth it". And I believed them.

Of course there are things, moments really, that I like about being a Mum. DD is so clever, she makes me laugh and I love how kind she is to her baby brother and her inquisitive mind. I love the smell of my baby's head, I enjoy making him chuckle and reading him stories. But it's not enough to balance out all the drudgery, sacrifice and above all, the loss of freedom. It doesn't feel worth it. I know it should, but it doesn't.

I feel like I've lost myself completely. I feel like I've taken a wrong turn somewhere and wandered into the 'wrong' life. But I have no right to feel that way because apparently it's the life I chose. So now I'm exhausted, not just from having a baby who won't sleep, but from having to enthusiastically play a character 24/7.

Before everyone piles in to tell me what a terrible person I am and that my DC deserve better, I know. I know I'm lucky and I should just be grateful to have two beautiful, healthy DC. I have a loving, supportive DH. I like my job. I have family close by. I know I have it easier than lots of Mums do. I know that it's not natural or acceptable to feel the way that I do.

I'm deeply ashamed of these thoughts and will spend my life doing everything in my power to make sure that my DC's don't suspect I have them. That's why I've never voiced any of this to anyone IRL, until today when I finally cracked and confessed all to my Psychologist. I told her that I feel guilty taking up her time, taking away a space from someone who is genuinely ill. Because I disagree with my GP, my Health Visitor who referred me to her, and those questionaires they make you do. I'm not depressed. I feel depressed but that's because I don't like my life.

Her response was "I think we should consider antidepressants". I felt like she wasn't hearing me. Or she didn't want to.

I desperately wanted to be a Mum but now that I am, it turns out I don't like it. How is that a mental illness? It's regret, not depression, surely? Yes, I do feel distressed, but so much of that is guilt because I know I'm not supposed to feel this way. And yes, I feel hopeless but that's because I have to live everyday in the knowledge that I've gotten myself into a mess that there is literally no getting out of. But apparently it's not possible to think that, on balance, having your children was probably a mistake unless you're suffering from a mental illness that requires medication.

So am I right in thinking there's no point in carrying on with these therapy sessions when my therapist and I disagree about the situation and from my point of view, there is nothing that can actually be done to change it?

If you actually managed to get through all that, thank you.

Wow, I commend you for writing a very eloquent and honest account of your experiences of motherhood. Your feelings are unusual but of course they are valid and you deserve to be heard. It must be frustrating to feel like your “true” feelings are being dismissed.

It’s very difficult for strangers over the internet to judge whether your feelings will change; whether it is actually PND or whether you just don’t like motherhood, full stop. I urge you to keep seeing a councillor and if you don’t like your current one, find a different one!

One thing I do think is: Why not try ADs? They may help you even if it’s not PND.

Hopefully someone else will come along soon...

Much love to you op and well done for being honest.

I can't answer your wider post. But at least ditch the baby groups if you don't get anything from them. Your baby won't care. Perhaps this mindset might work in other areas of your life?

So brave and honest of you to open up like that. I agree with the sentiment of parenting being a slog, being relentless and feeing thankless.
Are you back at work or considering going back to work OP? I only ask as I had a friend who loved her children dearly but found staying at home just really wasn’t for her. The thing about wind the bobbin up, she said that almost exactly! She found that going back to work gave her time to feel like her old self and time to actually be herself.
For now, try the things that the professionals suggest. If they don’t help, it’s back to the drawing board but you could just find some relief

Very very interesting post.

I know you have a 5 year old. Did you start to feel differently as they got older? And it isn't just the utter shit of parenting an under 1 year old talking now?

I have one child, 2 in a few weeks. Felt absolutely categorically the same as you. You've expressed my thoughts and feelings about it all perfectly. But at 18 months things started to change. Now at nearly 2 I do think on balance it is worth it, but I still frequently have days where I think oh my God, REALLY?!

I don't have anything valuable or interesting to say as I wonder the same thing all the time...was that depression, or is having a baby/being a mother just a total nightmare for some people? I agree that people minimize all the time. Health care professionals, family, friends... despite all the bitching people do about motherhood, tell someone you think it's all a bit shit and no, not actually totally worth it, and they look at you as though you're a monster...

That said. Have you ever tried anti-depressants? Do you have anything against them? It might be worth a go...

Oh yes, and - do you work? I only felt psychologically normal once back at work. Going on maternity leave again in a month and am dreading it.

OP

Did you feel like this when you had your first baby?

I have felt this way, and for it was definitely depression talking. My life is infinitely harder now (my boys are 2.5, both autistic, one has other disabilities too) but I don’t feel this way any more.

Yes. Firstly stop going to baby groups.
Go for coffee, go to a gallery, do anything else.
There’s no massive benefit to baby groups.
Don’t say yes to every party invitation. Don’t say yes to any if you don’t want to.
A breezy hello is all that’s required on the school run. Talk about the weather for two seconds, then go and get on with your day.
Everything gets easier . Believe me here!
Totally I get where you’re coming from.
It’s really hard to talk about the stuff without people suggesting you have pnd.
But yeah, often it’s circumstantial depression.

In all honesty I agree with a lot of what you've said, and I've shared a lot of those moments.

But my youngest is now two, and I do feel like we've turned a corner- as a previous poster said, do you think there is light at the end of the tunnel?

Do you enjoy your 5 year old more than your baby? I do find parenting more enjoyable the older they get 🙏🏻.

Surely the value of seeing the therapist is that you’ve written this post, admitted to yourself how you feel and that it’s a session for you to talk openly?

Sleep deprivation is a form of torture for a reason! With 7 months of interrupted sleep you’re exhausted, it’s awful, I remember it well. Sleep is around the corner and things will get better.

I agree ditch the baby groups. It’s okay to not like all that stuff. Have you read the unmumsy Mum? If not I suggest reading it, that book for me through my first year of mat leave.

It’s okay to miss your old life and it’s actually a positive thing that you can be honest about how you feel. Having a baby is very difficult and especially so when you left the baby stage over 5 years ago.

My first thought would be to sort out the sleep issues with the baby? As being sleep deprived really does make everything 100 times worse.

I admit I am a maternal person- I love the baby groups and wish I could be a SAHM. BUT not everyone can hack that- what kind of Mum are you? Would you be better going back to work full time? What’s going to work best for your family and give you the mental/ physical space from your kids to allow you to ‘enjoy’ it all a bit more?

The kids are here, there’s no going back and nothing you can do. So you have to embrace it and learn to do things your way.

I think you’d be surprised at the amount of women that feel like you do but are too scared or ashamed to admit it. I also commend you for opening up to us and your psychologist. I don’t think your feelings are unusual, it more about whether you can carve a path to a place that does give you more joy.

I think you need more support - more adult time- more time for you and DH, and more time just for you. If you could identify some physical alterations to your lifestyle, would this help?

I’m personally not a fan of anti depressants as they don’t cure the cause but rather make the problem feels less bad. The only way they may help you is to restore hope and positivity that what you feel now is not likely forever, and create motivation and focus on changes that make life better.

Literally Everyone I know with 2 kids has said it nearly broke them or their marriage in the early years. You’re not alone, but you have done it so you need to find ways to make it more enjoyable most of the time so you hold less regret.

Do you have a job? It sounds like you love your kids but hate parenting, which I believe is pretty common and there’s no shame in that. Most of it is boring and thankless and stressful. I reckon if I was totally honest I probably hate about 50% of it and after dc2 I’ve had dreams about being able to go off to work and enjoy my kids in the evenings. I can only say as they get older I’m enjoying it more and it’s much more rewarding. I believe it’s considered unacceptable for a woman to say she finds daily childcare boring, where as men would think nothing of admitting it, because it is. I’ve also been happier since going back to my job, even though it’s only 1 day per week atm.

I agree with what everyone else has said. I found going from 1 to 2 to be the hardest year of my life. It was relentless and I regretted it, a lot and often. But my youngest is 3 now and it’s a hundred times easier.

I think people underestimate and forget how it feels to be in the thick of the early years.

Honestly when I look back over nearly twenty years of parenting , my main thought is that I wish I’d kept more of my own identity, and skipped all
The baby groups/ birthday parties/ extra curricular activities. They served zero purpose in my (or my children’s lives). It all cost a fortune. I can think of exactly ZERO friendships that were formed from all the toddler groups / messy play.
I found my people doing what I loved, not by sliding around a church floor covered in jelly.
Same for my children.
All the parties , the competitive parties, the birthday presents for children we didn’t really know. It just wasn’t beneficial , none of it.
The valuable times were the days spent together chatting on the sofa, cooking together, engaged in meaningful ‘work’ , painting our home, sweeping snow etc. Nurturing real, slow blossoming relationships, through the rough and the smooth. There’s so much pointlessness in being a parent today.

I felt like you until my ds hit 3 then I started enjoying parenting a bit more.I will always prefer adult settings to child friendly ones,I'm just that type of person but I do get joy from seeing ds happy and enjoying himself.We decided to just have one due to how much I loathed the baby/toddler stage.I totally understand how you feel

That was supposed to be flowers

Your post really resonated with me. I was in the depths of despair for a long time after baby 2. I loved them but didn’t love being a parent for the reasons you described.

I was unhappy for a long time. I considered running away, suicide, anything but the awfulness that I felt. I did go on anti d’s and tried a few before settling on one that eventually helped. I also started some hrt which has had a huge and positive affect.

Now....cautiously, life is good. It has taken a long time, but I enjoy parenting now and I adore the kids. Life is easier. The kids are in Ys 1 and 3. We don’t go to many parties, I’ve trained them to like what I like! We hang out together. My older one makes me laugh and the little one improves daily! 😂 I don’t think I do small children well. And I’m pretty selfish. But i like them now as well as love them. And I have time for me again.

Please hang on in there. Don’t feel guilty. Take all the help you can. Try to believe it will get easier. It will, I am sure.

Unmumsnetty hugs.

I think a lot of people feel the way you do OP.
I had my kids young, I was 17 when I fell pregnant with my first. I hadn't lived life at all really and sometime deeply regret my choices. I adore my children and I would be lost without them but I always pine for the life that could have been.
The baby years are the worst, I would actually like to have another child but I honestly think I would have a breakdown of I had to go through what I did with the second baby again.
Don't bother with baby groups, I didn't, it didn't do my kids any harm, they are both at school now with plenty of friends. I wasn't interested in making friends with new people either. I had a few ose friends and as bad as this sounds, I cba maintaining friendships with anymore people.
Did you feel like this before you had your second baby?

Hi Op do you manage to get any time for yourself?

I love my dd (aged 1) so much but am definitely enjoying being a mum more now I’m back at work, I didn’t like maternity leave, I didn’t make “mum” friends and I didn’t really want to make friends with others I had nothing in common with except babies! I was so lonely and felt so useless. Like you I don’t think I was depressed, just didn’t enjoy the situation.

One thing that massively helped me is doing a hobby twice per week. It’s made me feel like I’m not just a mum & given me a real sense of freedom. Could you do something like that?

Thank you for your post. It’s very honest and very well written. I think that modern motherhood is a significant contributing factor to PND.
As for advice- do what you want to do, within the confines of motherhood. That might mean no more singing baby groups, or drop to one a month. It might mean hiring a babysitter and going out in the daytime. It might mean leaving your partner so you get 50/50. But you can still be a Mum and be you. It’s so hard to be selfish but there is a grey area between slave to them and running away- you just have to find your own balance. And be tactfully honest with your children as they grow up and consider starting families.

Her response was "I think we should consider antidepressants". I felt like she wasn't hearing me. Or she didn't want to

She is ridiculous. If you are in a situation you are unhappy with pills aren’t the answer. You need real solutions. OP could you afford to put your kids in daycare for a few hours a day? Do you have any parents nearby who can help?

Stop feeling so guilty, your feelings are legitimate. Are you working?, if not I think work would be good for you and it doesn't have to be school hours term time. Even if you barely cover the childcare, it may do wonders for you. I think many woman feel like you and sometimes I wonder why some don't!

Thank you all so much. I honestly expected to be told I was a terrible person and didn't deserve to have children. Maybe part of me almost wanted that to happen, like I feel I should be punished for having those thoughts about my own children.

Will try to answer some of the questions and points people have raised.

Yes, I do WOH. I'm on maternity leave but due to go back in a few weeks. Perhaps that will make a difference to how I'm feeling? I like my job and have some good friends at work. Is it awful to say I'm looking forward to going back? Everyone keeps saying "I bet you're dreading leaving the baby" but I'm not, which makes me feel terribly guilty.

I don't know if I felt like this with my first. It seems so long ago and itsy all a bit of a blur really but I do remember feeling exhausted, finding it very hard at times and having moments of thinking "what have I done??" I'm not sure if it was this intense though. I do know that it all seemed to get much easier from about 3 yo. The more independent she became, the more I was able to relax, to stop worrying and just enjoy her. I started to get a bit more confidence and thought "look how amazing she is, I must be doing something right". I think I would enjoy her much more now if I wasn't sleep deprived, feeling pulled in different directions and constantly having to say "in a minute" then feeling guilty for it. She's such a good kid and and she's realky very good company. It's just the relentless 24/7 responsibility of being a Mum that gets me down. I suppose the ideal fantasy scenario would be if someone else could be responsible for them but I could still see her everyday...I know that sounds ridiculous.

You're all right about the baby groups. I've been feeling that I should do them with DS because I did them with DD. But I fucking hated them then and I still hate them now. I don't really know why I do it. I've always been someone who puts a lot of pressure on myself. People often tell me I'm a perfectionist and I think that has influenced my feelings about parenthood, I expect a lot of myself and then beat myself up if something doesn't live up to the image in my head.

Someone suggested I "sort out the baby's sleep". God, I'd love to. I really would. I'm so fucking tired, I feel about 100. I can't think about anything else some days, just "fuck I'm tired". I think it does affect my ability to enjoy the kids. But I don't know what to do. We've tried black out blinds, white noise, he has a good bedtime routine. He slept really well at first, started to sleep through the night at about 6 weeks old and then all of a sudden he just stopped. Now he wakes up every hour some nights. My DM insists it's due to teething and it'll pass. I honestly don't know.

Thank you all again.

Maybe you just don't like being a SAHM? Millions of parents work and would go mad stuck at home with the kids 24/7. Give it a go! (Not that it will solve the tiredness 😆)

To be honest, it sounds to me like you need to go back to work and that being a SAHM isn't for you. And I don't see why only your career needs to "work around"the kids. You and your DH need to make it work together.

I was on maternity leave with DS for 6 months and I knew staying at home long term just wasn't for me so I've worked full time ever since. I do sometimes miss DS when I'm working but I don't think we would have the same level of quality time if we spent all our time together.