I really hope I'm not alone so I can get some advice and give some hopefully

[SunshineCake]

I keep having episodes of not being able to speak. Just had my fourth one but it's different from others. Has anyone else had this?

I hope the revenge was sweet!

The pig caught me about to leave with the dog! It was ok as we talked and we did have a good evening in the end. We are shattered from so many early starts and late nights so looking forward to the weekend. Therapy tomorrow then shopping. It's nearly our wedding anniversary so need to get some stuff for the husband.

Hope it goes well today! I'm off to see my sister later which I'm looking forward to.

It was really hard today. Got tearful. Was confirmed breakthrough of something I think I've always known but doesn't stop it being hard to go through plus deal with going forward. Hate that phrase but saying in the future doesn't seem right as it is right now not in the future.

Stressing as want dh home but also know if I tell him stuff it will really hurt him.

Shopping wasn't successful. Argh.

Hope you have had a nice time with your sister.

Will it hurt him because it’s about him?

For me, the sessions I cry in are difficult, otherwise I wouldn’t be crying, but they also tend to be the best because if I get as far as crying it means I’ve let the therapist look after me and my feelings for a bit, I’ve let go. When that happens I go away feeling ok, like something has happened but I’ve been helped.

The worst ones for me are the ones where I can’t cry or it’s like I’ve switched my feelings off. I might be more OK in the session, no tears, but I’m worse later because I haven’t managed to get the help I need.

You sound like you’re doing so well, even if it is hard. I spent ages at the beginning being too scared to get on with anything!

It will hurt him because it's about the guy I loved before him and who he thinks I've loved the whole time dh and I have been together.

I do avoidance really well and I don't full on cry. Not sure why but I do get tearful and partly dare not let it happen. Scared I wouldn't stop.

Won't have an appointment for ten days now .

Oh no, another long gap, not what you need. Give the crying a try if you can, somehow you do stop and it feels better afterwards. I often find myself stopping myself though. I rme we asking my therapist why we cried once and he said it’s because it’s what you do when you’re a baby to get help. So in a way I think of you cry with a good therapist you kind of go through the cycle of crying for help and getting help and it works in a way.

Past loves is a tricky one. Do you still love him? I think it’s normal for there to be some not-quite-finished business with people from the past but I’m not sure it means you can’t commit to the person you’re with.

Right now I'm feeling okay about the gap but I know that could change. I'll try the crying thing. There's miss feelings. Don't want t feel embarrassed, waste time, dies it really help. But all this therapy is changing how I feel so maybe it would be good to try?

Tbh I can't explain my feelings. We've seen each other but not for 2 years and we don't talk.

Finally told dh about my appointment last night. Had weird dream that has no relevance to my therapy as far as I can see but has left me feeling like I've missed something, also feeling after affects of telling dh. I'm so tired.

How did it go, telling him?

Sometimes when I write a dream down I notice something about it. Or if I talk about it in therapy the therapist spots something I’ve missed. But sometimes they are a mystery.

I’m tired too, although in my case it’s because I stayed up too late last night not getting things done but intending too and now I’m annoyed and stressed about it. My own worst enemy!

I'm not sure how it went. I felt quite defensive. Felt he didn't want to hear some stuff but he says he was fine. Some he didn't like but he's trying to understand and not let it go the wrong way.

I've had over a week of early mornings and late nights due to the kids needing lifts. Everyone is in today so we can get an earlier night.

This morning I told dh I needed either a day off or to get some jobs done so I felt less stressed out. I didn't want to go out but when he said he was talking my dog for a walk I got very tearful. I ended up going with them and after a difficult start when I felt very shaky and like my legs were going to give way, I did enjoy the walk.

I feel I'm changing but I can't explain why or how. I've just said things to dd and have said stuff to dh I wouldn't normally. Just telling her reality and not letting things go with him. Unsettled me.

And now I'm watching long lost family which is not what I should be watching.

How are you doing? Make sure you're not up too late!

I am making myself go to bed now, so I’ll reply tomorrow!!

Dh and I properly fell out an hour or so ago and haven't said a word since. Now in bed. I suspect we won't say goodnight and I'll hardly sleep then wake up still upset. I'm pissed off, angry, frustrated, sad and fucked off. Did I say I wasn't happy? Fucking twat. I just feel so shit. I hate it when we fall out. We hardly ever row but this has really hurt me. I'm sick of being the one to always give in but am I cutting my nose off to spite my face if I don't make the first move

As soon as he woke up dh apologises. Were 8/10 okay.

I'm emotionally and physically exhausted. Nearly three weeks late so hormones, maybe ?

Got too much to do this next two days plus trying to fit in seeing a friend.

Just feel like I need a cry but can't, dare not.

Do you ever cry just by yourself? I’m not sure it’s the same (as with someone there), but I just wondered.

Hope you fit the friend in, as long as they are a good one!

I’m alright thanks, I had a nice day yesterday with my parents was still a bit stressed about not having done stuff but I add some progress this morning and then had a good chat with a friend which is what I should have done on Saturday because I know it helps, but it’s like when I get to the point of needing help I withdraw. She’s exactly the same and is having a hard time at the moment so we had a laugh about our stupid personalities!

I never cry about anything to do with myself. Full stop.

Probably seeing my friend tomorrow then out for dinner at an event my son has organised.

Still very tired.

Glad you've had a good day. Hope that continues.

I never cry about anything to do with myself. Full stop.

No wonder it’s so daunting! Honestly, it always stops eventually. It won’t be like an unstoppable river. It’s more like one of those rain storms where it hammers down for a while, then dwindles to light rain, then maybe starts coming down harder again, and then just eases off. And you almost always feel slightly better afterwards, like kind of emptied out but like something has shifted.

I know when I need to do some crying about myself because I start crying about everything else instead. It was happening yesterday actually now I think about it.

I watched a dvd a few moths ago and really sobbed as it was sad about a dog. I did wonder if I was sobbing about me. I felt like if I thought I was crying for me it would help let some go .

I think it has to find a way out somehow! No need to be

Since I've been having my therapy I find I tear up whereas before I'd literally only cry at sad stuff on the telly and one thing about me. It happened the other day when dh was going to walk ddog without me. My dog means the absolute world to me and I'm not sure what I'd do if anything happened to her. She's totally my world.

I sometimes have moments of dread about anything happening to my cat!

Interesting that therapy is having that effect, like it's opening up the possibility of being helped, so crying has a point.

I still don't understand what she's doing but does that matter when she's helping. Something I do feel is validation that things were horrific for me and I am allowed to feel sad, upset, etc with lasting consequences.

Nope, doesn't matter that you don't understand!

I can feel that I might panic if I think too much I have to wait until Wednesday but dh and I have had a night away and I'm feeling bonded with him more than I have in a long time.