I really hope I'm not alone so I can get some advice and give some hopefully

[SunshineCake]

I keep having episodes of not being able to speak. Just had my fourth one but it's different from others. Has anyone else had this?

At one point I had the dog across my body and the kitten on my legs!!

Dh got home and made me dinner as he had ordered food to be delivered for him and the kids. I'm intolerant so couldn't have it and what dh made for me was really nice. We then went to our room to talk. I told him I felt this morning that it was the beginning of the end, that I didn't feel like the kids were a reason not to divorce anymore and that what had happened at the weekend to upset me couldn't ever happen again. I told him what would have been a better way to deal with it. He was very sad, acknowledged he had really upset me and said I looked cute. He was glad I told him.

At times I have missed having my pen pal, especially as I've made far more note cards then I'll ever use, but I've realised it was just me being needy.

I feel like dh is being very kind and gentle to me. He's in the shower then making me some breakfast before my therapy. He's also going to come home and take dc to school for their exam then back to feed the dog as otherwise I have to come straight home from therapy. I think I'd be a bit later then dc would want me to be but I like to go shopping after the appointment to break the feeling and with it being their first exam this year I want to be able to give full attention not still thinking therapy stuff.

That makes sense, I hate having to do things immediately after therapy. How was it? And how did their exams go?

Her exam was good. Another one tomorrow. Three weeks of GCSEs, AS levels and A levels.

Therapy was okay I think. I am used to it knowing what we'll be talking about. I can't really verbalise what is going on but I just trust her and feel it is working. She seems to understand me. I've just told dh all about it and how I have been feeling about stuff related to what he's done that hurt me. He took it very well.

I took the test this afternoon and then fuck there was a very strong line and a faint one. I decided I wasn't having it and went to see the dog. Went back at the time stated and checked eleventy billion times twice and it was negative. Phew.

Thanks for coming back to talk to me. I was worried I'd bored you off.

Not at all! I use an app to lock me out of mumsnet and other distracting websites when I need to get stuff done because I’m a terrible procrastinator and I’d stay on here for hours!

Well I’m glad you’re not pregnant because that really sounds like a complication you could do without right now!

I could never verbalise what was going on with therapy when I started either. It sounds like you’ve got a good relationship which, according to the the research, is what makes it work.

Exam central in your house then. I was listening to some kids chatting about their exams on the bus earlier. I feel for them, I remember being really nervous.

I meanwhile, have a head cold and I’m at that annoying stage where I have to breathe out of my mouth all the time. No doubt I will survive. Think I’ll opt for an early night.

I'm used to NOT knowing what we'll talk about.

We were planning an early night too but doggy had other plans so we thought we'd watch Victoria only to see it hadn't recorded.

Busy day tomorrow. Panicky a bit.

I’ve got the cat lying on my legs, need to eject him shortly so I can get under the covers!

Anything particular you’re anxious about tomorrow?

Sorry, I forgot to come back to this. I was feeling anxious as I had a lot to do and some was time pressured due to dd exam. So far the day hasn't been to bad as I have been able to get the shopping I needed after walking my dog, the washing is all done, dd has gone into school early so she's fine and I just need to iron later and remember to eat and drink some water.

That sounds very productive. I got up and tidied so the cleaner can actually clean when she comes later, went to therapy, and I’m going to spend the afternoon doing some work and reading for the course that I’m doing. Have found a very sunny cafe that I’ve not been to before but I think it might actually be too sunny! Plus I’ve got my own lunch in my bag that I can’t eat here. I’ve got a head cold so I don’t suppose it will taste of anything!

I can hear two mums at another table talking about their kids’ exams!

How did your work and reading go? Hope your lunch was nice. How did therapy go ?

I was feeling anxious and couldn't work out why. Only suggestion I could make was over the fact that the cats have been given biscuits for tea when they normally have sachets and they've left 1/3-1/2 each. Realising this is a ridiculous thing to be stressing about has made me realise I can make things seem more catastrophic than it really is. I suspect this comes from my childhood and how dramatic things happened with no warning very very often. In therapy yesterday we discussed anger and how it manifests itself to me and in my behaviour. The answers were very telling and make me feel less weird.

You sound very human and and not at all weird! Do you ever listen to Woman’s Hour on radio 4? I caught a really interesting item yesterday and today, I’m going to check the podcast to see if it’s an all week thing. It was women talking about their mental health issues - today was someone diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and yesterday was someone with dissociative identity disorder. It was fascinating.

Lunch was functional, it filled a gap! Made some progress on the work which was good, less on the reading but I’m going to focus on that tomorrow. Therapy was good. I think we talked about how hard I find it to get stuff done and also how hard I find it to believe she’ll be interested in what I say. At one point I was crying but had no idea why - that happens sometimes.

Your cats sound like they’d just had enough food. Mines a rescue cat and he will now leave food if he’s had enough but it’s taken about 3 years to get to that point! To begin with he acted as though he was starving all the time. I guess they get traumatised in a way too.

I haven't listened to radio 4 in years properly but occasionally flip to it if I don't like what I am listening to on another station.

All of cats are rescues too. We've changed to biscuits on the advice of the vet. Two out of three aren't happy.

I'm all over the place tonight with regards to dh. Don't like it .

hang in there. Are you arguing?

No. Just went from feeling cared for to being invisible. We're okay now after watching a program together but I'm stressing about tomorrow now. Ridiculous really as Thursday is my favourite day, I've plenty of things planned and it will be okay.

Happy Thursday!

And to you. Just dashing to get dd to school then food shop before walking the dog. I'm really cold today

Hope you’ve warmed up, it’s been sunny here (London) but cold as soon as you’re in the shade!

The patio door ended up being open quite a lot of the afternoon so doggy so could get out when she wanted without me having to constantly open it. This meant I got cold again so I've got a thin jumper and a cardigan on now.

Emotionally I feel things are changing and I'm not sure I like the uncertainty.

Uncertainty is always hard

What seems to be shifting?

I’ve got a cat hot water bottle at the moment, positioned on my chest!

I think I feel listened too. Mainly by the therapist who is making me feel like I am perfectly normal for reacting and feeling the way I do about things. DH is also listening and hearing me better. I'm also being more demanding but in a reasonable emotional way.

That sounds good. I was single by the time I started therapy and I am slightly curious as to whether I could have started being different within an existing relationship, I've always imagined it would be hard. I haven't felt tempted to seek a new relationship out either. Although thinking about it, my friendships have changed. They've either got better and deeper or they've needed completely like the one I think I mentioned upthread.

Would you like a new relationship?

I thought of something today where I'd given dh credit for being thoughtful when actually he was also behaving dreadfully but I didn't know it. I told him. He apologised. But now I can't talk again. I feel tired and I can't be bothered to try and talk. He's trying to get my input with choosing new trees for our garden and I can't be bothered.

No. I mean, not enough to go and seek one out. I love living by myself and if I was in a relationship again I’m not sure I’d want to live together. I think if I happened to meet someone now I’d maybe be open to a relationship developing, which is a change from the last, but I have no desire to actually seek one out. I’m never aware of being lonely.

Maybe leave the trees until tomorrow and see if anything changes overnight. Does it kind of feel like trying to communicate is futile?

That's good that you don't feel desperate for a relationship. I certainly felt that as a younger person and while I know why, it makes me feel very sad now as it cost me the LOML and has given me a lot of pain.

Dh and I have painted half the fences in the garden today and will paint the rest tomorrow. I can hear dh in the garden now hammering in my mini fences I use for edging. We need to order top soil and trees and it is starting to come together.

Have been up and down today but have been talking to dh and when he has not done what I needed I've not been shy to tell him. It really is all about communication.

Hope you are okay and have had a good day.