Parents of anxious kids/teens support thread(part 2)

[Stilllivinginazoo]

Hi everyone
Our original thread filled up fairly fast so I'm offering a second one
Anyone who cares for a child/teen with anxiety can join us as a comment,or hang around
Post your worries,your tips,ask for advice,rant about your day -we understand
Also feel free to share any small victories

Firgoodnesssake assuming you know who his GP is, could you write a letter to the surgery explaining how bad things are? Do you think he would be prepared to go to the GP and get blood tests done to check whether it's as simple as under-active thyroid / vitamin deficiency?

Is everyone getting stressed about the return to school?
One minute DD is saying she’s going to give the exams a go. I feel a great sense of relief and hope. Then 5 minutes later she says she can’t do it. I feel all anxious and stressed again. It’s an up and down pattern that is constant. I’ve to email school tomorrow saying she’ll try the exam Tuesday morning at home but only if they can send a teacher she is comfortable with to invigilate. Her head of house came last week but we can’t expect him to come 4 times this week- he has kids to teach. They have offered a TA but DD doesn’t know her so isn’t happy and won’t cope. They have been good at school so far but can’t see them releasing a teacher to come to our house for 4 exams this week. That will cost them for cover. Hope they can find someone DD is ok with when her head of house can’t come. Can’t wait until a week on Tuesday which is her last timetabled exam. Then this will be over. I can go back to work ( if I still have a job- been signed off sick for 6 weeks because of the stress and needing to be at home to support DD) I miss my friends at work and need some company other than a volatile, stressed out teenager!

ABI fingers X school can accommodate things.you are not the only mum who is glad to "escape" to work- a sense of normality,routine and a break from home life when it's so stressful
Dd2 has her I media GCSE todayand she's been anxiously snapping at everyone all weekend.
ds getting steadily worse

Everything seemed to be going ok with today’s exams. School have arranged an invigilator to come round. However, having been up all night (just gone to bed) DD has now made the final decision that she cannot sit this mornings exam and maybe not this afternoon either. I don’t think I’m going to last a week of this. Just want to say f* the exams, I don’t care anymore. How can spending an hour at home writing some answers be that hard. That’s how I feel. I won’t say that to her though. I’ll keep going round in endless circles trying to convince her to try the exams. I’m incredibly stressed and she just doesn’t seem to care. Just want this to all go away. It won’t though and if she doesn’t sit these exams we will have to go through it all again next year😭😭

ABI I cannot give you answers,nor make it better but offer huge virtual hugs and hand holding.please try and find moments in every day to yourself as you are clearly exhausted

Thanks Zoo.
She has said she will try this afternoons exam and school have arranged for the one person she will accept as invigilator to come round. Hope she gives it a go. If not I give up!
Can’t praise school enough for their effort. Surprised they haven’t just told her to f* off. They have gone way beyond expectations with this.
I alternate between wanting to get back to work and see my friends/colleagues and wanting to crawl into a hole and stay there.
Hoping to go back to work next week but only if I can catch up on sleep first.

Abiamber I am so sorry - how unbelievably stressful for you. I do know only too well how difficult and exhausting it is to support a DC through exams - you have my sincere sympathies.

She sat her music exam at home in the kitchen! Seemed to go quite well and she was fairly animated afterwards. We went out for the rest of the afternoon. When we got back I cleaned the kitchen according to her instructions:
Use antibacterial spray to clean all work tops, cupboard fronts, sides, handles. Clean the table the exam paper had been on, including the legs then remove table to shed. Clean the chair she had sat on. Remove chair teacher had sat on to shed. Clean the kitchen floor- twice. Clean the kitchen door and door handles. I did this even though I know it’s ‘enabling’ her OCD.
After I had cleaned we watched tv and finally went to bed about midnight (Dd doesn’t sleep well) shortly afterwards she was crying and asked me to go to her room. She was sobbing, distraught- said the house was dirty because someone had been in it, she had walked in the kitchen ( after I had cleaned it) and know her feet were dirty and because she’d been in bed her bed was dirty. She wanted me to ‘make it better ‘ by using the carpet shampooer on the hall (we live in a bungalow) and her bedroom carpets and change all her bedding. I pointed out it was 12.45 and I had had 2 hours sleep in the last 48hours (see previous post) she got really distraught and called her dad asking him to come round (he lives 3 miles away and it was now 1am) because I was ‘being a rubbish parent and not making it better ‘ he came and sat in the kitchen (he’s not allowed anywhere else because it would make things dirty) he also said it was 1.15am and I was dead tired. She got more upset, sobbing and shouting so much the neighbours banged on the wall! I said I wasn’t shampooing carpets at 1.30am because the machine would disturb the neighbours. I changed her bedding but had to do the pillowcases a total of 4 times because I kept getting them on my nighty. You try changing a pillowcase holding the pillow in mid air. I put another clean sheet on the floor between her bedroom and bathroom so she didn’t have to walk on the dirty carpet. She walked to her room, sat on her bed and completely covered her arms and legs in hand sanitizer. Finally got to bed about 2.15 but even though I’m exhausted I’m too stressed to sleep.
Tomorrow I’m phoning school and saying she’s not doing any more exams. It’s not worth it!
She desperately needs help but won’t go to GO because it’s dirty and won’t have a home visit because that would mean someone in the house.
Anyone got any ideas of how to help her?

Morning all
Sorry, I lost you all but thank you for new thread zoo
Positive thoughts and best wishes to everybody x

Hi rage how are things?
ABI I would have cracked by now,you are so incredibly patient!tbh I would be saying very firmly about seeing gp,and not cleaning for her.you cannot keep going like this my love,it's destroying you.sending huge hugs.hope you got some sleep xx

Hi zoo
DS is nocturnal - heat not helping. Currently on a one-man mission to scratch his skin off. Not pretty.
Negatives:
Refusing to go out even for fun things like the beach.
Writing still poor to non existent, no interest in writing, learning to read, drawing or painting. Even playdo he has lost interest in.
Refusing haircut, has to be dragged into the shower.
Meltdowns when I talk of moving to England, starting school, weaning off screen time (obsessed with minecraft, numberblocks atm not playing himself just watching Pat and sodding Jen playing)
Constant squabbling with his sisters
Positives:
His vocabulary still amazes me
He went to the dentist and has good teeth
Teeth brushing no longer an issue
Looking forward to going on holiday
Showing an interest in typing letters
Lego and board games still interested in

We return in the Summer
I will be lone parent to two
DH and eldest will be staying in Germany
Scared of what future holds tbh

How the devil are you?!!!

Dd has decided that she cant have DH prepare her food and she doesnt want him to touch her. Any suggestions how to nip this in the bud quickly?

Refuse to comply Anne difficult,but the only way or you both be running in circles exhausted
Rage wow,sounds very tough!glad to see some positives in that list though.i know a few kids that use tech to learn on as writings an issue.good he loves lego not good if don't put away and you step on it like I do and board games.my D's does too.i think it's the whole rules thing,you know what to do if you follow the rules!
Have you tried wet wraps on itchy skin?doesn't work for all mind you,but my dd1 worked a charm and helps my contact dermatitis esp when it's warm
Which part of u.k are you coming to(don't have be specific- south,Midlands,Wales,east,north, etc)and remind me,do you have family here?
Same old here,D's still not in school.camhs been doing diagnostic forms which have put him in orbit.he barely sleeps and cries/whimpers when does keeping me awake as I have to be nearby,won't leave my side much.doesnt cope noise,crowds,heat,music.even laughing scares him in case we chokeone sister tolerates him mostly,other fights constant to "stop that,suck it up" etc happy daysonwards and upwards eh?

Zoo - she wont eat any food he has made though. And we are so worried about her weight. Aaargh.
I can see how people get sucked into enabling behaviours

Could she make something herself?

Yes, she is making a lot of her own food now.
She has started to flinch if he touches her as she thinks he is dirty. I have explained that is hurtful and she says she doesnt want to hurt him but she cant help how she feels.
I have suggested he wears gloves when preparing food for example and it isnt enough to combat her fear that the food would be too dirty to eat.
Poor DH is trying to be understanding about it and he understands it is her illness but I would be pretty devastated if it was aimed at me.

I can see how people get sucked into enabling behaviours
Me too. I am enabling my son I think. It will be interesting to see what changes in the UK. He cannot hide from the world forever...or can he?
I fell asleep zoo sorry love, I'd been up all night. DS had agreed to come to the bakers and I was really happy but then he changed his mind at the last moment (he does this a lot) proclaiming his socks felt funny.
My sibling dynamic is the same as yours btw.
I will be in Tameside (no secret, have been asking for advice on that LEA on other boards. A lovely poster mailed me to say she thought I'd be better off in Manchester because Tameside's ed psych services have dwindled but it is not possible for me to move so we'll see). My main worry will be not being able to work due to school refusal/exclusion/having to home educate - the latter is not working now and I have a PGCE.
anne That sounds really difficult for you and for him. My DH would take it in his stride, like yours he would understand why, but like you, I would also be gutted were it me - my DS can be like that wrt touch but can also come up to me like a puppy asking for a cuddle.
to you all.

I have gone down the enabling route and found that whatever I do it just means new situations arise that have to be accommodated. It’s so hard not to do these things because you don’t want to see your child distressed. I had NVR training because family services just thought it was a behaviour issue but the strategies don’t always work when you’re dealing with someone with MH issues. I am waiting for some specialist support but like everything else there is a waiting list.

DH is away next week so I am hoping she will forget this and move on to something else tbh.
We have dietician and psychiatrist while he is away so I think it will be a stressful week

The nvr training sounds interesting abi Can you post which tips you found most useful/still use now please?
I'm a bit confused what they mean about being present - I am present, I do capitulate too much though to avoid escalations. What do they mean by delayed reaction - often I don't react in the moment, I am just intent on getting DS home/restraining hands and feet while carrying (he is heavy, I have backache and a prolapse so crap to have to carry a 6 year old but otherwise he would be on the floor in a ball sobbing or screaming for an hour. Once he's gone, he does not/cannot come back to me for ages).
Also, with my DS he won't talk about a meltdown after the event and sometimes doesn't remember much once time has passed.
How do you resist aggressive behaviours while still being present eg walking into another room/refusing to engage isn't exactly being present is it? I do lovebombing already. I suspect reconciliation gestures would be rejected until some time after the trigger.

Omer, H. (2004/1). Nonviolent resistance. A new approach to violent and self-destructive children. Cambridge University Press

Is this book any good? It should be for nearly twenty quid

Hello

sorry I have not been here much. Things are really busy here. DH is working about 23 hrs a day, DD2 stressed out with yr 6, I'm trying to sort out loads of practical stuff at home whilst also working 3 days is quite a stressful job with a shit locus boss who doesn't care.

DD1 is actually not too bad generally but I think that certain things are just entrenched now. The 4 hour eating rule is pretty fixed. Anything uncertain or any changes to schedule are met with hysteria. Anything perceived to be a criticism is embarrassing and humiliating and results in a meltdown. However, things are immeasurably better than they were before Christmas. She even had a friend round last weekend (always said she couldn't because our house is apparently disgusting). I think I have been a bit neglectful of poor DD2 though and need to redress this asap. On a positive note, DD1 had been really nice to DD2 recently and is actually excited that she will be joining her at secondary school in September.

(Having said all that, I had to go out for some fresh air at 9pm tonight before I completely lost my shit - DH was home for once!)

At least the ancient cat is chilled!

Ooh! Ooh! I did forget that the one positive of coming back to the UK will be...we get to have a cat
I am hoping that DS will respond positively - he loves animals and is always respectful/gentle. What's your cat called bus how old is it?
How does DD2 feel about going to her sister's school?
to all. x

I finally lost it! DD still in meltdown mode after last nights mega meltdown. Me in totally sleep deprived bitch mode. Think I’ve had 5 hours in 3 days. She just kept going on about what a crap parent I am. How I always make everything about me! How I make promises I never keep. This comes from conversations that include ‘might’ and ‘maybe ‘ and ‘perhaps ‘ which she then takes as a promise. If she is ASD as suspected then maybe I should be more careful about how I say things. Anyway we have been snappy with each other all day. Then it blew up big time. I went to my bedroom to get away but she followed me -nag, nag , nag.. she then phoned her dad and told him loads of shit about me. Then phoned her older sister and did the same. They both phone me and start having a go.
I picked up my car keys and went out. Just drove around, tears streaming down my face wondering how on earth things had reached this level. Ended up parked in a nice little car park by the river. Lands and swans etc nice and peaceful. I just wanted to talk to someone who wouldn’t throw shit back at me and was impartial. I called the Samaritans! Had a nice long chat with a very understanding person who made me feel a lot better. He put things into perspective and calmed me down. It was so good to talk to someone who could listen without digging up the shit. Meanwhile getting loads of calls and texts from H saying DD was in a real state. She had told him more of my financial mismanagement like my credit card I’d maxed and I have bought stuff on credit that he thought I had bought outright. Another opportunity for him to have a go. He then said DD , who I had left on her own, had texted to say she was going out and we wouldn’t have to worry about her any more. When I got back hermoped had gone. She wouldn’t answer my calls or texts but was reading my texts. This was about 10.30 - 11.00 I said if she wasn’t home by midnight I would call the police. She arrived home at 12.02. After all the she wants me to take her to our caravan tomorrow. I’ve said no. She should have an exam in the morning (which she 99% won’t do) and another Friday morning. I said I’m not taking her away when she should be in an exam in case she changed her mind and I also don’t want to be 150 miles away from any support whilst she was in this mood. Also given that I am so sleep deprived that all my joints hurt and I can barely walk I don’t fancy the 150 mile each way journey. I also need to contact the social worker and CAMHS to update them on events of the last couple of days.
Not sure who is having a full on breakdown first -me or DD. DD 1 home from uni for the summer next week so more complications as DD 2 hates me spending any time with DD1 or H. I wonder if things will ever get better?