Parents of anxious kids/teens support thread(part 2)

[Stilllivinginazoo]

Hi everyone
Our original thread filled up fairly fast so I'm offering a second one
Anyone who cares for a child/teen with anxiety can join us as a comment,or hang around
Post your worries,your tips,ask for advice,rant about your day -we understand
Also feel free to share any small victories

We came home Tuesday. We actually had a pretty good few days. Weather not great so mostly stayed in . We played monopoly and lots of other games that we have and also had a nerf gun fight in the caravan. It’s fun to be immature once in a while. Good idea about taking a friend but unfortunately she won’t have anyone else in the car or in her space. She goes out to meet friends at the park or recreation ground.
Had an email from social worker who has been in touch with CAMHS to try to move things along and also get me some support on dealing with the abusive behaviour. Feeling quite positive today but that’s because we have no exams or school to deal with. Trying to think how I can get her to do the exams next week. I’ve tried bribery, withdrawing things as well as the usual encouragement and reward. She is desperate for me and H to not get back together. Thought I might tell her that if she doesn’t sit her exams then us moving out to provide a better environment was all a waste of time and I will move back. I did make the move to leave primarily for that reason and I know H would like me to move back but would that be just too cruel to use as a threat if she doesn’t sit her exams? I feel that she could do them even if she had a meltdown after each one because then they are over with and we don’t have the issues of trying to sit them next year. She’s already accused me of ‘messing with her head’ and I think this would definitely come into that category. What does anyone think?

ABI do you miss him/actually want to go back?I wouldn't personally use that as a threat but if you have regrets about leaving your marriage I'd be talking to him and making decisions based on your and his views.ultimately this is not DD choice/decision to make
Glad you had a nice few days,and absolutely nothing wrong unleashing our inner child sometimes

Good morning. I’m glad you had a good break Abi - I agree with Zoo, I wouldn’t use the marriage as a threat - she shouldn’t have so much power over your relationship and also if she then does her exams does that mean you can never get back with DH? Is her not wanting to you to go back just about you and her or has something happened between her and DH?

Zoo I hope things have settled down next door. Are you managing to get a break at all?

We’ve had ups and downs here. On Monday DD1 got up and had breakfast (including eggs!) and then went shopping with DD2 and got a lift home with me and DS - seems she forgot about the 4 hr rule which is a massive step. She was also talking to me about out holiday last year and saying it’s the last time she could eat without thinking about it.

Last night she had a full on melt down - screaming etc - because she said she couldn’t do her homework (she could). Because I’ve got calmer and handle if better when she is screaming at me she’s now discovered that if she’s horrible to her siblings and screams at them I’ll have to react. All very horrible but then just as suddenly as it starts it’s all over and she carries on as if nothing happened!

I hope everyone else is ok - I guess all the UK people are in holiday!

bigbus it's all swings and roundabouts isn't it?great about breakfast and shopping,not so good when siblings get pulled into things!

DS is struggling,bless him his anxiety is constant.tiny things set him off to meltdown point,changes in routine throw him off balance completely.
I've stopped thinking about the future and concentrate one day at a time we are currently building an "anxiety kit" he takes everywhere with him..one if his wooden tactile crosses,inhaler,ear defenders and we have recently added cold water and are picking up a paper fan today as be hit sends him over the edge.its ment be quite hit weekend which I'm dreading...and also if the noise of a fan will make things worse

Hope everyone is having a calmer week if school is a main trigger.i can't believe the school year is almost over!I think it was September/October last year I started reach out on MN with DS issues

*hot not hit damn autocorrect!!

We are having a better week as no school and dd is eating although night away to hotel at weekend was stressful and we nearly didnt get there

Abi - has there been abuse between DH and dd? Is he her father or stepdad? I would not recommend using any link about your marriage with her exams tbh as they are separate issues.
It seems to be like there is a pattern of behaviour where she is on control and gets her way because the repercussions are so awful, and it is easier to give her what she wants. We all know what that is like, but it can actually feed the behaviour. It is hard to unpick. I would focus on trying to get her to do things for herself. Could you provide cleaning materials and tell her that you dont know the standard she needs so your happy to help but ultimately she needs to be the one to do the cleaning?

I am absolutely certain there has been no kind of abuse between DD and DH. The reader she doesn’t get on with him is because he is strict and doesn’t back down like I do. He has said some quite mean things to her when they are in an argument- like her not being normal but that’s as far as it goes. He is her real dad but he is quite old for a parent of a teenager. He’s 67 ( 10 years older than me) and it took us a long time to have a family ending with IVF. So he is quite ‘old school ‘ and expects kids to conform and be respectful. Things that DD is not. I don’t know if I want to return. Part of me is enjoying my ‘freedom’ even with DD’s controlling behaviour but financially it’s a nightmare. We had a very comfortable lifestyle with the prospect of a comfortable retirement. Now I’m struggling to manage. Should be easier if we decide the split is permanent and the family house is sold but at the moment I’m paying rent and have loads of other bills. Also, won’t go into detail, but I have massively overspent over the last few years, eating into our savings unknown to DH until now. We are talking 1000’s mostly spent on DH to try to make her happy. She now has a fairly large collection of expensive electric guitars. Probably about 25k worth! Plus loads of apple technology. A sign of my weakness over the last few years.
This is probably why she has no respect for any boundaries I try to put in place. I ALWAYS give in.
As I said previously I need help to step up and start acting like a parent

It sounds very difficult Abi.
I think you need to try and get counselling for yourself if you arent having any at the moment.

Thanks everyone.
I do regret leaving my marriage in some ways. Not just financial security. Although he annoyed the hell out of me sometimes I do miss being with him. I also feel really sorry for him and what I’ve done. He’s worked really hard all his life and I’ve spent a massive amount of money on DD which I haven’t spent on other DD. He’s still working at 67 and I’ve spent a huge chunk of our retirement money. He keeps on telling me how Ill he feels and he doesn’t want to stay in the family home because he has no family but he can’t bare the thought of moving-it’s a large 5 bed house full of stuff accumulated over 30+ years of marriage. I know it’s DD’s problems that led to me leaving but things actually seem to have got worse with her controlling behaviour and OCD. I feel I should have handled things differently. I feel bad for leaving him and I’ll feel bad for DD if I go back. I know I need to make a decision based on what I want because it’s my life and DD can make her own choices when she’s older. I guess I thought everything would be better if I moved out and DD would be happier and her state of mind improved. How deluded I was! Just like all the time going through IVF you imagine yourself with this gorgeous child, going on picnics or to the beach. You don’t imagine a stroppy 16 yr old with MH issues.
You’re right Anne I do need some counselling to help me sort out what I actually want and how to achieve it. Living alone with an abusive controlling teenager is not what I had in mind.

Sounds hard Abi. Are you definitely sure you want to be separated? Pr put another way if it werent for dds anxiety would you still be together? Of so maybe try talking again...

I have spent morning with two very upset dds. Older one very upset as younger one too anxious to go into town for older ones treat to dessert parlour. This is new and I am not happy about the escalation. It is because last time we were there, there was an alarm and she is terrified of a repeat. Older dd just thinks she cant be bothered :( dh has taken her by himself, but now I'm so worried dd is isolating herself even further.

Hi there. This is potentially very outing if any of you know me / DD in real life, but when you've been through hell and there is a small glimmer of hope, I think it's important to share in case it helps others.

DD has taken 2 overdoses and self-harmed. We've had to take her to A&E for her own safety, and most holidays have been ruined because of her throwing a fit if she's with us, or phoning us in a panic if we're away without us.

Her psychiatrist now believes that she has PANDAS. It is worth looking at for those of you with a DC who has severe mood swings, obsessive tendencies and symptoms of ADHD. In addition to this, she has vitamin and mineral deficiencies and possibly an underachieve thyroid. MH problems can have physical causes, but it's a lot of hard work to get medical professionals to consider it.

That's really interesting chocolate. I haven't heard of that. Makes me wonder when dd was getting tonsillitis repeatedly for the last 18 months. I'll mention the tonsillitis to the psychiatrist when we have our assessment as it is very soon.

Anne if you can persuade the GP to do a throat swab to check for levels of Strep bacteria, it may help.

Anne hope things are a bit calmer at yours today
Chocolate thank you for adding that in.im sure those with mood swingers will be interested.i hope things are becoming more manageable for you now you have a diagnosis/treatment plan

We've been out to local nature reserve this morning that's literally ten mins walk from home!!
DS loves nature and the wooded areas give planty shade/cool areas to explore/see insects etc as it's quite hot here today.
He doesn't cope we being warm so today could be a challenge.first day true heat since he got so unwell.he has sun pm in his room beating down so had windows open all morning,plan shut curtains soon has paper fan as not sure how he's going to fair with noise of a fan this year...
Hope everyone's having a pleasant weekend

Abi - there is a post on the teenagers board you need to read. I tried to tag you but not sure it will work.

Called 'said something awful to my teenager and feel like a shithead'.
You could have written it. It will show you that you stent alone 🤗

Morning all
DS had dreadful night panicking it's too warm,and made him feel hot.frustrated doesn't even begin to explain how I feeldd2 taking I media GCSE tomorrow and approaching stress meltdown.think today's going to be a take it a minute at a time if necessary....

Hi everyone, I’ve an 18 yr old son who I think has a personality disorder. Things have been bad he past few years, I put that down to challenging teenager but it has become more apparent that there’s more to it. I’m a single parent, his father is out of the scene and of no assistance - he would make things worse. He is an only child. I work full time. He dropped out of school a few months ago, got a job which he has since lost. Can go from being Nice to having an extreme reaction to something small. I’m frightened of him and what he could do to himself or others when in a rage. There’s no speaking to him, he shouts me down and everything is either my or someone else’s fault. Believe me that I’ve tried. It’s very very difficult to live with. I adore him, he is my child. I can’t make him go to a doctor not can indirectly broach the subject as he would kick off. All help and advice welcome

Welcome fir
Young minds?you can talk to them.
ask to speak to your gp on phone about support available for either of you?
Not sure what age camhs go up to but there must be MH services in your area
Tbh my partner works with MH and there are A LOT of teen boys in the system whose parent can no longer manage alone and they live in shared accomodation with staff support and parents just visit.you shouldn't and don't have to live in fear my love
Sending positive vibes and hugs.please feel free to come dump bad days,share good ones and be reminded we are still people in our own rights,not just parents and we have to care for ourselves in order to support our children.
Do you have any RL support?

Thank you stillsurviving. I’m in counselling and have spoken to the GP yes. I can’t access MH services for him as he’s 18, not can I make him seek help. He’s so volatile that I have to be careful what I say. I’m exhausted with it all to be honest, very hard to see any light at the end of the tunnel.
However, I had been beating myself up as to why my teenager was taking every step wrong and when would he ever grow / wise up - if he does have a disorder, which I suspect he does, that at least helps explain it

SOMEBODY has to be able to access services to support you...
Glad you have counselling
Hold on to the fact MH is in no way your fault

Thank you stillliving

for everyone having a hard time. Welcome firgoodness

DD is so changeable. It is getting me down.

OCD seems to be developing at a rate of knots here on top of everything else. Fml