Parents of anxious kids/teens support thread(part 2)

[Stilllivinginazoo]

Hi everyone
Our original thread filled up fairly fast so I'm offering a second one
Anyone who cares for a child/teen with anxiety can join us as a comment,or hang around
Post your worries,your tips,ask for advice,rant about your day -we understand
Also feel free to share any small victories

I’m waiting for her to come back from her music lesson and I’m actually scared! I’ve made arrangements to send something back that she ordered and I can’t afford. The email had to go to her account so she will soon know. I shouldn’t be scared of my own child but she is going to go batshit when she realises but I just can’t afford it.

I have to keep my phone, car keys and house keys on me at all times because she has past history for locking me out when she’s off on one.

Abi - the way you are feeling is very concerning. The balance of power seems all wrong here and it feels like you are really suffering.
Have you heard of youngminds? They have a website. Worth calling them for advise on how to support your dd and how to help yourself. I havent used them myself yet but I have heard good things.

Thanks Anne I’ll give that a try. The balance of power is all wrong. I’m treated like a naughty child and made to feel rubbish about myself. Constantly told how stupid I am and everything is my fault. If I got things right there wouldn’t be a problem! The social worker says our relationship is one of domestic emotional abuse like you may find between a person and their adult partner. I need help to change this. Social worker on leave for another week then I’m going to meet her and try to see a way forward. I need to do this for my daughters sake as well as my own.

ABI accepting and acknowledging this is a HUGE step into healing things.i cannot even begin to tell you that you really aren't a rubbish person,and you have every right to be treated respectfully and not live in fear.if she were to become violent you MUST call the police as you cannot let her feel you will lay down and accept such behaviour or that will add into the cycle and you are already under more than your fair share of pressure.plus taking responsibility for her own actions..
You are doing the right thingsending back something you cannot afford.even young children have to learn and accept you can't have everything you want if the funds aren't available for it.
Will be thinking of you tonight

Thanks everyone. I need to start acting like a parent and not allow her to get away with treating me this way. She may have MH issues but I don’t deserve to be treated like this. I hope I can find the strength and willpower and support to get through this and change things for the better. Depending on what school say I may just have to accept that she isn’t going to sit her GCSEs this year. I need to look at the longer term picture. Both of our mental health and well-being are more important. GCSE’s can be reset next year. Who knows, if she is in a better place mentally she may even get grades that reflect her ability.

Yes Abi. I am glad you can see that, although it must be awfully painful to admit. It jumps off the page when I read it that you are in an an abusive relationship. I have no doubt that your daughters mental health is behind it, and that lots of behaviours have evolved because we all do the best we can to get through every f*ing day.
BUT....
You do not deserve to be treated badly however your daughter is feeling. It is not your fault. And you are not directly responsible for how she feels. Sure, you can help... but if she feels happy or sad - that is not down to you. And any expectation that you will clean up after her, run around after her etc when she is old enough to do it for herself or would not consider doing it if the shoe were on the other foot needs to be looked at.
Please dont listen to your mum and ex. They are criticising because they can and it will make them feel less guilty themselves for doing a rubbish job.
You are doing great. But you need support. Please reach out to your social worker as soon as they are back. And do try young minds.

Last day before half-term here,we keep D's doing small amounts schoolwork during hols or its major struggle get him re engage in term time.

Hope everyone is doing as best as can and has relatively manageable day today

Thanks Zoo - last exam here today! Woohoo! Things are sort of ok (whispered so no one can hear end everything doesn’t get extra crappy again!). I’ve accepted that the demented eating patterns are here to stay. The result of all the wailing and screaming about revision has been some pretty awesome exam marks so DD1 feels less anxious about it now going forward. Just liven things up though she is refusing to countenance the idea that she will ever get her periods or need a bra - physically she looks like she will get her periods very soon and already easily wear a bra. I thought maybe it’s to do with the whole growing up thing but it seems it’s more that she’s convinced that she will be unlucky and be the only girl in her class not to get her periods. I assume her BFF (main rival!) has them already. Fortunately the anxiety about wetting herself seems to have gone!

I hope all you guys are getting through. Lol after yourselves as much as you can too

Look after yourselves!

bigbus my dd1 was 17 before hers started and she got quite down about being the last one.dd2 started last summer,I'd say putting her at averageyoungest is 11 and they are imminent.she has 30c bra etcway too little emotionally and boy are her mood swings a problem!!

Just here to follow for advice. Ds2 is really suffering with anxiety. I'm really struggling with anxiety too. School are making his anxiety worse and won't listen to us.

lemon welcome.how old is D's?

Thank you. He's 12.

lemon school are making his anxiety worse want to talk about how they are?quite a few on here have had success chatting with school and working for solutions

Please can I ask some advice? DD1 is much better but she controls things by eating breakfast between 4 and 5 am then not eating or drinking again until she is out of school. However she does now often get food with friends after school so this is progress because she then has to get the tube or bus back with food in her tummy. She loves dancing and wants to do lots more classes after summer - some of which won’t end until 8pm. She had told me she would drink something after school to get through the after school activities. Anyway she’s pretty much told me this evening that she has no intention of doing this. So she’ll be eating at 4 am then consuming nothing except polos until after 8pm. What should I do? Make her eat sugary polos? ATM they are sugar free to save her teeth! Seriously though I don’t know whether to ban her from after school activities until she can reliably hydrate herself or just let her get in with it. Any advice/experience will be gratefully received. Thank you.

Bigbus
My Dd , when she was going to school, would eat nothing at all until she got home. She would leave for school with nothing to eat or drink, buy a bottle of Diet Coke on the way to school . She wouldn’t get herself anything when she got home so when I got in from work at 4.30 the first thing I had to do was make food. She would ‘snack’ at 4.30. - probably pasta or toasted bagel- then a meal about 6pm then supper at 10.00 with snacks in between. This pattern has led to her being very overweight. Your DD does eat breakfast even if it is early.

bigbus I would be careful of sugar free polos as they can be laxative if eats many/not much else with them!!

Big bus - I would suggest lucozade to drink rather than water as that will at least give energy for the dance lessons, but tbh I think you will find she doesnt have the energy to do exercise without food for 14 hours.

Actually she won’t drink water - something to do with having some the last time she was sick (when she was 7). She drinks orange juice, iced tea, Fanta, hot tea, herbal tea. I try her with lucazade, that’s a good idea.

She’s maintaining a healthy weight so I guess she’s got the balance right even if the timings are demented!

Thanks for the perspective guys, it really helps.

Hope we are all going to have a quieter week- half term so no school or exams to stress about. I have researched what happens if a candidate misses an exam and it seems that if it’s an ‘acceptable ‘ reason a grade can be awarded from the exams that have been completed as long as 25% of exam has been sat. I’m going to see if the school will support an application for this on the grounds of (mental) illness. If they do DD has completed 1maths paper out of 3 so that’s 33% and she has completed all coursework for music and that’s 60%. If I can manage to get her to sit one English paper that’s 50% so she could get some grades! Maybe I’m just clutching at straws but has to be worth a try. If the school have witnessed the illness you don’t have to provide medical evidence. I really hope they feel able to support an application then we might not have to spend next year worrying about how to resit exams. The problem will be that Dd appears ‘normal ‘ most of the time and there are still people who think she is just putting all of this on to avoid having to go to school and do her work. I know it’s not that because I see the meltdowns but many people are still sceptical about mental health issues and think ‘just pull yourself together ‘ but we all know it’s not as easy as that. If only it was!

ABI not clutching at straws at all,I would definitely give that a try.
The classic "pull yourself together" up there with "what have you got to be depressed/worried about" as most unhelpful sentences out there!!

Not a great sleep here.started redecorate D's roomand he's unsettled by the change....I hope once it's finished it will offer him a calming space....

Meanwhile,fingers X you all have calmer week.canr believe we are roaring towards end of school year!!

Zoo hope your decorating goes well!
I am currently at our static caravan withDD. We have had caravans on this site for over 20 years but will need to sell this year due to the family break up ☹️ DD is usually ok here because it’s very quiet and has nice views across fields to the sea. We drove up on Thursday-140 miles- when we got here DD went into the caravan and said ‘you’ve put the throws back on the sofa so now the sofas are dirty ‘ background- we drove up a week ago she decided van was dirty because her dad had been up the week before. At 10pm I cleaned and anti bac sprayed the whole van. She then said the fumes were too bad and so I drove home again . 280 miles, 6 hours driving, £50 fuel and got home 2am.
2nd trip when sofas were dirty due to throws also ended in return home. We returned on Saturday with new throws to completely cover the sofas . The throws will be taken home and washed and brought back each time we come.
Thought we were ok. Then she asked for a drink but refused to use any of the glasses or plates because her dad and sister used them when they were here a couple of weeks previously. This has never been an issue before! Got round it by unpacking some picnic ware that had never been used. She uses that and plastic cutlery. Just wondering what’s next. Each time I try to accommodate her ‘problems’ new ones seem to develop. Is this MH or controlling behaviour or a mixture of both. Social worker back tomorrow so will contact her for more advice. DD can’t stand me meeting my H because she doesn’t want any chance of us getting back together. She has said this! She wants me all to herself to continue to manipulate and abuse me. I know I have to get help to break this cycle for both our sakes.

Oh Abi I’m sorry it’s such a difficult situation. What would happen if you refused to drive back do you think? Would she eventually agree to sit on the sofas and use the crockery? Could you perhaps bring a friend of hers with you? You’ve said before she behaves differently around her friends.

I hope you manage to enjoy the break

Good ideas frombigbus ABI
I hope you get a break and enjoy change scenery

Tough evening with D's.next door has grandchildren tonight and they're in room next his play,laugh and shouting plus run up n downstairs.usually quiet so noise setting him off